bippal Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I guess the best thing to do is start from the beginning. My wife and I met while I was working at a rental company in the town we are from. She came in as a customer, and we immediately began to flirt. After a few months of renting she was late, and it was my job to go by her address to see if she intended to come in and pay. She and I talked for a while about normal stuff and she gave me her phone number. We kept in contact, and a few weeks later, she came in and put in an application to work there. She got hired, and after a few weeks, we began seeing each other. We both had recently been through breakups, and while we had plenty of choices as to new people to see, we immediatly hit it off. She was like the female version of me in many ways, and was the first woman who i did not have to initiate all of the attempts at starting a meaningful relationship. After a few months, things were going great. She had three kids from her previous marriage, whom I adored, and we moved in together. After a brief time, she and I fell into a trap of spending less and less time together, and another man began doing his best to get her to leave me for him. These were trying times, and after a few months, we smoothed things over, and got married. Things were great for a while, but every time something would happen to us as a family, we would lose ourselves and take it out on each other. Money, kids, school, everything added up. After a year or so, I began to notice that my wife had severe attention addiction issues. She was abused physically and mentally by her step dad when she was young, and had gained sever self worth issues, attention, and confidence problems. I mostly ignored them, thinking that she would fix herself over time. 4 years into our marriage, by this time, the kids all consider me their father, and my family considers them as blood. We began to argue about one of my friends whom I knew, having a relationship. They were "just friends" and talked, as he lived more than 10 hours away. I was always telling her that I did not approve of the relationship. On new years eve, things finally hit a breaking point. We agreed that maybe we should separate, even though I did not have a place to live, as i had just recently left my job to be a full time student, and she was also a full time student. In the first two months of our "separation" she slept with 5 people that we now, constantly told them that she was into them, even though she would admit that she wasn't, and was doing her best to keep me out of "her business". I began to worry so much, that I finally convinced her to seek therapy for her issues. She starts april 19th. however, in the mean time, she has began to date someone we know. She says that even though she doesn't want me out of her life, and will do anything for me, and she always wants to be best friends, that she cant see herself loving me again. She doesn't understand how I can not be mad at her for the mistakes she has admitted. I have told her repeatedly that I understand, and only want her to be happy and get better. She refuses to stop talking to a few of the guys whom have shown her interest, even though they all have done nothing emotionally for her, and use her. She says she doesn't see how she can love me again after falling out of love with me. Its especially difficult, because I would love to give her the "mental space" she keeps asking for, but as I refuse to let the kids suffer and not be in there lives, I often have to be around. She also knows that I cannot stay around, knowing what she does to herself mentally with these relationships, and not say something about it. I do not know what to do. Do i leave her alone, avoid speaking to her, and hope that one day she realizes that I did more for her than she ever will understand? She constantly pulls the " i just want to be me, and feel alive again" card. I always tell her, that as grownups, we have responsibilities, and I feel that she uses the fact that I will not give up on her, to just go out and have fun, and not have to deal with "real grown up life" She often cries when we talk about this stuff, and says "im sorry I cant love you". What should I do?
mimidarlin Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Wow...it's hard enough when our SO has relationships (or relations) but worse when it's with people we know. Who knows why she is doing these things. You're correct that you can't fix her and that she has to fix herself. This isn't your responsibility. I hope she goes to counseling. I think your marriage/relationship is damaged beyond repair. She says she doesn't love you but wants you in her life. Yet she doesn't treat you with any empathy or respect. Work on accepting that she can't love you. Hell it's obvious from her behavior that she can't love herself or treat herself with respect. You will never be able to love her the same way because of her treatment of you. I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. You care for those kids but legally have no right to visitation or obligation for financial support. If you want to be in their lives and provide support then you should provide it to the kids directly. Buy them school clothes, supplies...pay for lessons. Don't give money to her.
Author bippal Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Last night, she texted me a few things at about 2am. She said that while she loves me, and she misses me being there, deep down she doesn't think we are right for each other, but that might change with time. Ive done my best not to even bring up the emotional stuff in our conversation, so it was a huge change for her to message me out of the blue. She says shes sorry shes messed up, and wishes she weren't. I don't know what to do. Its hard knowing someone you care so much about has something wrong, and I can't just abandon her because its convenient for me. Thats what love is all about, when someone cares more for another than they do themselves. While I realize she doesn't do that for me right now, wouldn't it make me a hypocrite to not be there for her when she needs me?
You Go Girl Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 No, you don't care for another more than yourself. You do have to come first. If you don't take care of you first, you can't take care of anybody else, period, end of story. Although you didnt' say it, it sounds like your wife was sexually abused, and views sexuality as intimacy, because she's messed up that way. She also has committment issues. Saying that she deep down doesn't think you are right for each other is the same as saying--I like having you around because you help me survive, but I really wish I could do it all by myself. So make her do it by herself. Don't help her. Only keep up a good relationship with those kids. She needs a good dose of reality. Time to quit doormat mode.
Author bippal Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Im starting to see what you guys are saying. Today she brought the kids by so myself and parents could see the kids on Easter. She was dressed fantastic, and I mentioned to her that I knew she didnt just dress that way for the hell of it. She said she had dinner with her new date buddies parents. I asked when he was going to meet the kids, since if he was the new man, he should get to know them. She was shocked and mentioned that it was too soon. Im starting to realize it is all about her, and the only way she is going to learn is to see it for her own eyes what shes doing to her life and the kids. Thanks for all the advice.
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