LK30 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Dear all, I've been single for about 3 months now. We were dating about 14 months and I had a few doubts along the way bu there were good times too. She had self harmed in her past due to family issues, and I had an argument with my brother as he noticed she often didnt pay her way and would happily come over and eat all our food (me and bro have place together). She never really moaned at me, nor was possessive, high maintenance or nasty. I wouldnt say we totally clicked, but I always felt she never fitted in with my family and friends. She was 7 years younger than me too, and I was a bit conscious about the age gap. Over Xmas we stayed over together looking after someone's house and I found myself picking at her a bit and broaching the subjects like me paying most of our relationship and her not making decisions, lack of intimacy etc. We had a short break and then she decided she wanted her stuff back at end of Jan. I felt so bad and really missed her but she's stubborn and altho I had some e-mail exchanges she said the damage had been done. I tried to accept it and I was ok, but despite no contact I feel worse and miss her!! She hasn't been in touch since at all and I've held back from messaging her completely. She was on a dating website the week after I gave her stuff back, and at that time with the 'e-mail exchange' she said her friend (who influenced her) suggested they both set up a profile, but my ex said her friend used it so she could look at blokes and they wouldn't know who it was. I'm not sure I'm naive enough to believe that! Her profile isn't really active anymore but it was last month, so i'm assuming she's met someone off the site and hence doesnt need the site anymore. I'm not sure that's true but I keep torturing myself and visualise her (mainly at weekends) out partying, meeting men, and I feel like I'm still hurting yet she has probably moved on and high fiving her friends i've done 'no contact.' I've been through a few break ups before, and wondering what i'm doing wrong. If I'd know before how i'm feeling now I would've appreciated her before and maybe not had doubts as she wasn't a bad girl and we got on well and even she had said if i'd proposed to her she would say yes! Help!
Author LK30 Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 I thought no contact was meant to make you feel better! I feel worse! It feels like i'm going through a bereavement as I hate the fact the ex and I have no contact whatsoever anymore. All i keep visualising is her out meeting other men, perhaps already being in a new relationship and me stuck here on my own. I keep having thoughts about her being intimate with someone else and I can't stop torturing myself! Perhaps she's not doing that at all but not knowing seems to be worse than knowing! Can anyone give me any advice?! I've even tried online dating and have actually met one person off there already but my heart is not in it, i'm just trying everything to make it ease off! Uuuuuuurgggghhh!! :-(
LovelyDaze Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 (edited) I thought no contact was meant to make you feel better! I feel worse! It feels like i'm going through a bereavement as I hate the fact the ex and I have no contact whatsoever anymore. All i keep visualising is her out meeting other men, perhaps already being in a new relationship and me stuck here on my own. I keep having thoughts about her being intimate with someone else and I can't stop torturing myself! Perhaps she's not doing that at all but not knowing seems to be worse than knowing! Can anyone give me any advice?! I've even tried online dating and have actually met one person off there already but my heart is not in it, i'm just trying everything to make it ease off! Uuuuuuurgggghhh!! :-( First, DON'T look at any of her social networking (online dating sites, MySpace, Facebook, etc) Second, don't rush out and date anyone yet if you are right that your "heart is not in it." Third, Focus on YOU. That entails the above two bits of advice and getting on the business of living. If someone trips you on the sidewalk and you end up with a horrible, open wound in your leg, would you grab a stick and keep poking at it? No? Well then PLEASE don't continue to do things to yourself that will hurt you. Healing takes time, trust me. I came on LS in October with my heart at the bottom of my stomach. I cried daily until my eyes turned red...literally. I am in a GREAT PLACE now! I no longer desire any contact with my ex and have since went on a couple of dates this year with other guys. You will heal if you really want to. Just keep coming on LS before you even think of checking on your ex. Edited April 4, 2010 by LovelyDaze
Author LK30 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Thank you LovelyDaze for taking the time to reply to me - and I really like the analogy about being poked with a stick - so true and I will remember that! I expect I'll look back on this in a few months and wonder why I got so worked up!! Thanks, Lee :-)
Author LK30 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Hey ptftg, thanks for your reply! My ex has blocked me on Facebook by the looks of it, which is quite handy and perhaps she has had similar advice and doesn't want to know what I'm doing. It's such a shame as sometimes I wish we could chat as it's not like we had blazing rows or anything - i just had some doubts and she decided she didnt want to continue worrying I would have more doubts further along in the r'ship! I hope everything works out ok for you. I've found keeping busy the number one thing that helps, and never say no to friends invitations to socials! Sometimes meeting someone else helps take your mind off it, but only in the short term, so your advice is very good. We can get thru this!!
Author LK30 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Was nearly tempted to check her dating profile then to see if she's been online but came on here instead!! Come on man, you're surviving! Still miss her tho but taking advice! I still feel guilty as i had doubts about her and i am actually starting to doubt myself and wish i had made more effort to work things out with her. She used to self harm a few years ago but not anymore, and one time she said she does occasionally get 'itchy' so it could come back if she gets stressed. Just dont think I would be able to handle that :-( To think she wanted to get engaged...she gave up far too easy. The main thing I've learnt is once girls know you have doubts they go and dont come back...
Author LK30 Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 Really feel pants today! Been single a few months and wish i'd stayed with my ex as i've had nothing but rejection before her and nothing but rejection since her. Perhaps I should've held on to her as at least she cared about me! I might as well be invisible! :-(
Jimmy87 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 My girl broke up with me over christmas, over 3 months ago and I still think of her everyday, she is with another guy now and I had to bare hes company last weekend as he is a friend of a friend, it hurts like hell but Im better than that, Im better than the guy she is with and shes knows it ad im going to find a girl better than her, I still love her dearly but if she BEGGED for me back id say no, Im not putting myself in the same position to let her do this to me again. Don't check her Facebook or anything like that, I made that mistake and it made it ten times worse, it will take time but there will comee a day when you really dont care about her, im months off of it yet but still im far better than I was even a few weeks ago, hang in there mate.
Author LK30 Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 Cheers for reply Jimmy. I know how you feel! Weekends are always worse when you wonder what they might be doing. I know it sounds like a bad thing the fact you know she is with someone else but you do have 'closure' now whereas with me there was nobody else involved (at least i dont think so!) and i'm not sure if she's dating anyone else but i'm strangely intrigued to know. Girls always seem to move on quick! I think she blocked me on facebook as i cant see her profile so i'm not in danger of finding out anything. It's good that you feel if she begged for you back that you have the strength to say no. I don't think i could resist falling for it, so perhaps it shows you've moved on more than you think!
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