I want to end it...but do I wait another 3months to do so?

[Mrs_AJ]

Hi,

 

If you've read my previous threads then you'll know I left LS due to my own reasons. I decided not to post any longer. This was right for me at that time. I hope you don't think that I was being rude.

 

I have decided to break things of with my guy who I got to know online. We were talking for 1.5 years now, live across the atlantic from one another, never met yet we developed strong feelings for each other. It has been an up and down rollercoaster ride but I have no regrets for now. I think I needed to get to this stage to be certain of what I want and need.

 

I have come to a point in which I feel that a relationship shouldn't be this burdensome and depressing. He is a kind and sweet guy. However I find that he hasn't put the effort I feel I deserve into the relationship. I feel I have tried to understand him but I'm done now. I've had many issues with him the biggest one being communication. He just doesn't bother, and I get to suffer for it, over and over again. I've had my share of drama from this. I've been upset one too many times fro someone I haven't even met yet.

 

Although I know I have love for him in my heart, that i feel connected to him and that I have had a positive experience with him overall- I know I'm done with it and I just want to move on. I feel that i can't rely on him and that I'm not sure whether I can trust him with my heart.

 

He has important medical exams coming up in 3 months time. I've just graduated and am free for the next 4 months before work starts. I want to start fresh, open a new chapter in my life and work on improving my own self. I feel that I have to wait until his exams are over in order to tell him how I feel and that I want to end it. But I also feel burdened by this. I have decided to lessen my communication with him. I would be surprised if he even takes note. I think contacting me once a month or so would be ok for him anyway.

 

So I feel stuck. I don't want to mess up anything for him, especially not his end of year exams. I feel selfish for even thinking of breaking up now. But I have an opportunity to move on now and take time out to grow and learn new things. I'm not interested in dating right now and there is no one else. I just want to have my 4 months of holiday for myself and my family. I can't start processing the loss of this relationship until it's been said and done.

 

What I am asking is how do I behave and act towards him without having to tell him yet and move on? He may feel cheated once I tell him. he may think that I should have told him now. Especially since I have felt that this has been slipping since february of this year but I did tell him then. We made up but it has just been worse.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading.

[SarahRose]

You're talking to someone you have never met for 1.5 years. He has made no effort to meet you during that time. At most you are pen pals.

 

Move on. You are wasting your time here. I suspect he won't be as upset about you going away as you think he will be.

 

I really don't think you have to do much of anything here. Just go about your life in real life and spend less time online.

[CarrieT]

You're talking to someone you have never met for 1.5 years. He has made no effort to meet you during that time. At most you are pen pals.

 

Move on. You are wasting your time here. I suspect he won't be as upset about you going away as you think he will be.

 

I really don't think you have to do much of anything here. Just go about your life in real life and spend less time online.

 

Completely concur. You are probably far more emotionally invested than he is if there has been no attempt to meet each other.

[Mrs_AJ]

We started talking in Nov 09. He SAID he wanted to come in April 09 but I asked him to change this as 1) I freaked out and 2) I had exams. As I called him back 5 days later and told him that I had changed my mind and that I would study hard before he came he said he had changed the ticket to the states rather than UK. I wasn't even aware of the fact that he had booked one. He later told me it cost him $400 to change his original ticket.

 

He said he had booked a new ticket for July 09. He came back to his state and went the next day to pick up the ticket. But he called me and told me the day before his arrival date, as he was picking up the ticket at the agency he booked it through, that he had not checked his passport and apparently it expired 5 days before his return trip to the States. He then apparently tried to get this sorted for the remainder of the day but could not travel as the British Airways refused him.

 

This is messy, I know. But I believed what he told me. But no, I never saw a receipt of any ticket. I should have asked him to email me the details. And yes he might have booked both trips and it just didn't pan out right. But I think that if he really wanted to see me he would have by now. Even for a weekend. But I think he just got comfortable and thought that he could string me along until it became convenient for him to see me.

 

It is the fact that he is now telling me that the arrangements for his planned one year stay in the UK to do some of his rotations are not finalised that was the final straw for me. He was planning to come in August. Whenever I asked it was "Yes, I'm coming in June...no July...no August". When I asked yesterday what is left to be done in order to finalise this he said..." I think they need my passport or something...I'm not sure." I felt so small. I'm sure that he hasn't even renewed his passport yet.

 

He is just not reliable. His communication is lousy. He may well come in August as he said he put UK as his first choice. But the whole process is just "maybe this, maybe that...I think so...". He might be an excellent guy in real life, but I've had to much nonsense thrown at me that I'm not interested in knowing. He has brought out this drama queen in me as well. Very embarrassing.

 

I don't want to deal with him anymore. And yes, I think I was more emotionally involved than he was. But he sure was good with his words when he needed to be.

 

I believed him. I felt that this was a relationship.

Edited April 4, 2010 by Mrs_AJ

[Isabella81]

It sounds like a form of a relationship, but since you haven't met it might not be a lot more than pen pals as suggested.

 

Consider taking a break and take the time to reflect on whether you want to continue investing yourself in it.

 

What happens if he visits? Then what? He goes home and you're back to corresponding with one another?

 

I think if you're serious, the two of you need to meet a couple times to see if you share a real connection in person.

 

Pending that, unless one of you are willing to move, your relationship will stay where it is .

[Mei Mei]

Dear Mrs AJ,

 

Not having heard from you for a considerable period of time. I do really hope that you have already met at least once. I am sad that the whole circumstance is same as before.

 

Nevertheless, you are more clear-headed as to see that the future is dim and you have a better chance to lead a more respectful life ahead.

 

What said had been said and you just care more of yourself than anyone who does so little for you all along.

 

I think you do not need to think about how to handle him. Just take it as a usual friend and do more for your own well being. I am looking for a new beginning of you and have a lover in future who really deserve your full commitment and care.

 

 

Always there for you

[hoping2heal]

It sounds like you are fed up with the relationship because of a lack of care and concern for you. I think that is certainly understandable. However, do notice what a contradiction it is that you worry about ruining his grad exams by deeply upsetting him with a breakup; yet you also speak very much about how you feel he doesn't really care for you. if he is going to be upset to the extent it's going to throw off grad exams I would say he would be very attatched and deeply in love with you.

[Mrs_AJ]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for the replies and advice. I really appreciate it.

 

Isabella81: When it all started I hadn't imagined that 1.5 years down the line we still would not have met. We were both students and our timetables were hectic. We talked often, skyped and emailed because I contacted him and maintained it. He would contact me now and then. I did ask him to come for a couple of days Christmas 09 but he said he couldn't. So I didn't pressurise him but left it at that.

He said that he wanted to stay here for a semester or a year to get to know me and this country better. If we got on as well as we did LD then he would move to the UK and practice here....after finishing his 6 year training in the States. I found it difficult considering another 6+ years of LDR. I now find that impossible. I can't do it.

So even if he comes this August he is still heading back for many years of training. I don't want to convince him to stay here for his training since he doesn't seem keen on that. I understand him. It could mean that he doesn't do as well as he could had he stayed in the States. Moving to and training in another country is not easy.

 

Mei Mei: You are such a sweetheart. Thank you for your sweet words. Made me feel so much better. And i agree with you. So thank you.

 

H2H: I don't know. I feel that he does have strong feelings for me. He told me that he didn't understand why I needed assurances when he had given me all that he could give me. I think he is naive now that I think about it. He thinks that as long as he loves me and cares (in his own lame way) then all is good. He didn't put much effort into our relationship yet he thinks he did. Why I worried about the exams is because we had an argument once before and that was unfortunately just 1 week before his exams. I tried to cut him off completely. He was very upset by it and lost marks as he got depressed over the whole thing. He was honest and told me he cried and he hadn't done that for a very long time. We agreed to discuss how we felt before it came to that. I promised not to do that to him again.

 

If I think about meeting him in August I do feel happy. I mean I have feelings for him. My heart was waiting for things to happen and I believed that we could be together. But my logic is telling me that there's nothing special here. Maybe I don't have the patience. I just know I'm done waiting for him.

 

I wish I could just have closure now and move on. But as suggested I can just leave it as it is. He will call me (eventually) and when he does I'll speak to him like any other friend. And I suppose when the time is right I'll tell him and ask him not to contact me anymore.

[hoping2heal]

OP, Is there any possibility that you are withdrawing from this relationship because it's now months from meeting in person and having a "real life" relationship? I can understand you feel "the way" he loves you is not meeting your needs but have you communicated this to him? "Honey, I love you but this is what I need?" You seem to be aware that he does love and care for you very much yet you are drawing at straws. You stayed in this whole thing 1.5 years and it's just now that it is finally coming to the point of seeing him in person you are "over it".

[Mrs_AJ]

OP, Is there any possibility that you are withdrawing from this relationship because it's now months from meeting in person and having a "real life" relationship? I can understand you feel "the way" he loves you is not meeting your needs but have you communicated this to him? "Honey, I love you but this is what I need?" You seem to be aware that he does love and care for you very much yet you are drawing at straws. You stayed in this whole thing 1.5 years and it's just now that it is finally coming to the point of seeing him in person you are "over it".

 

Hey H2H. Thanks for replying. You've made a very good point. I have communicated how I feel many times, both in writing and over the phone. He has always told me he is either doing his best or he will do better. It doesn't change. I was looking forward to seeing him and had anyone told me that I would have felt this way say 3 months back I would have told them they didn't know me.

 

Over the 1.5 years I was studying and was busy with school work and passing exams. He became a part of my life. I've realised that having time off has made me reflect on things. It's like a paradox. During the good times we connected, it felt great and I really liked him. But the bad times seem to be overshadowing this now. I think about the things that make us different. I think about the times that I've been left so anxious and upset...really for nothing.

 

We've both had a tough year but I felt that he could have been more encouraging and supportive but I didn't find this in him. I'm sure I've let him down at times too. We have always talked about it but I never felt that his excuses were justifiable. And he knows this.

 

And yet somehow I honestly believe that he doesn't do it on purpose. I honestly believe that he cares for me but that this is who he is. When he gets busy he becomes oblivious to the people around him and he forgets me. It's a part of his character. He doesn't know how to balance things, how to stay focused on school work but make time to text/email/chat or call me on a consistent basis. So I've learnt that I either need to accept it or move on. It has come to the point that I feel that asking him to contact me more often is of no use.

 

I feel like I've lost confidence in this.

[hoping2heal]

If that's how you feel I wouldn't stay either. Just making sure this isn't a decision you're making because you're afraid of moving the relationship to a real life situation, because then you may find you really really regret it. That's all.