9Lives Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 For me, when I saw that my ex was starting to pull away, I wish I would have started getting out more and pulling back as well. I dont ever want to be in a relationship where I am all the way in and he is pulling back and I keep trying to fix it. If he is pushing back, then I will respect it and get myself in a place to not be so crushed like I did in the past.
skydiveaddict Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 If I could change something, I would have never gotten involved at all..
spriggig Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Realize it's pointless to dwell on the past and not post in this thread. Oops. I'm standing here hanging on to a string that reaches all the way back to the day I met her. There are points on that string that are as bright as the sun and points that are as dark as hell. I've followed that string back several times in the past three months trying so hard to understand what we both did wrong. The string gets longer every day. Today I want to let go of that damn string once and for all. Maybe tomorrow.
Author 9Lives Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Well I am looking at self growth. Meaning what could I have done better as a person. It just doesnt make sense to be after someone who is pushing away. All the hoping and trying is pointless and a waste of precious life. I have lost life. But at the same time, you have to learn too i guess. I dont want to be the person who lets my emotions get in the way of logical thinking. I hate when my emotions get the best of me.
skydiveaddict Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I dont want to be the person who lets my emotions get in the way of logical thinking. I hate when my emotions get the best of me. Me too. My emotions get the best of me sometimes too. There's a word for that: heartache. And I think it's unavoidable at times
spriggig Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Well I am looking at self growth. Meaning what could I have done better as a person. It just doesnt make sense to be after someone who is pushing away. All the hoping and trying is pointless and a waste of precious life. I have lost life. But at the same time, you have to learn too i guess. I dont want to be the person who lets my emotions get in the way of logical thinking. I hate when my emotions get the best of me. I don't think we have a real choice. In the case of love, etc. our base needs and desires drive our "logical" thinking and lead us to easily rationalize really stupid, self-damaging behavior. I think that's the whole reason this site exists. It DOESN'T make sense to chase anyone. Even fully understanding that, most people are at least extremely tempted to do so when their turn on the ride comes around, and few of us are always able to resist.
Author 9Lives Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Amen to that! The more my ex pulled back the more I was trying to fix the relationship. I wish I could rewind back time and act more independent while my ex was going through this distant phase. I know I wouldn't be feeling as hurt if I was trying to do my own thing.... Yeah, this is my first heartbreak. If it wasnt for this site, I would have made so many more mistakes. What I will do differently is make sure I have a life outside my ex. I wll try to not be a fool and sacrifice myself while the other person chills out
nobmagnet Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 i agree that i wish when he pulled back over the years i hadnt tried so hard to make him come back, working 20 hours a day renovating our "home" only to be told the stuff I has missed. but regret?? nope. I proved to me that I am a good person. (didnt feel it then) till he had gone. 20 hours a day just annoyed him. He did tell me so too when he had gone. He wanted an excuse to hate me. Every time i raised my game he got more annoyed because he wanted me to be rubbish and had an excuse to leave me for her. so no regrets and i have learnt a massive lesson, Never again. i will do stuff yes because thats me but to kill myself to please someone and get nothing back but hatred..........never:) nobby xx
MrsPeaSoup Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 If I could go back in time and do something different I think I'd have to be more rational than I was at that time. But honestly, when I think about it. I couldn't have done a single thing to have saved my relationship. It was him who thought so much different than I did and he was the one of us that couldn't accept that. It was he who thought that love just allways was like living on a pink cloud. And finally, it was he who only thought in black and white: no grey, especially not when love was involved. No communication on his part. When things gone wrong and he could not think of a way to fix it he'd just go away, not talking about the problem.. because he thought there was no use for it. Hmm. I don't regret a thing in this relationship either. Maybe that I lost my sense of liveliness, because of the long long lonnnngggg study hours and getting jealous about his 'fun and exciting life'. Gah. Stupid behaviour. I am glad to have found real love and I am blessed that this real love was answered to me as well.
USMCHokie Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 If I could do it all over again, I'd do every single thing exactly the same...every mistake...because that experience was essential to getting me to where I am today...everything I learned from everything I did wrong...it's one thing to come to a public forum and get advice about a situation...but it's a completely different thing to live and learn it yourself through experience...no amount of LS advice could ever replace that...
just1guy Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 For me, when I saw that my ex was starting to pull away, I wish I would have started getting out more and pulling back as well. I dont ever want to be in a relationship where I am all the way in and he is pulling back and I keep trying to fix it. If he is pushing back, then I will respect it and get myself in a place to not be so crushed like I did in the past. Yep, same here. I still don't know why we didn't communicate how we felt or what was going on, but I guess going forward, I'lll be reminded of what happens if I let things slide and turn into a one way relationship. It just sucks because I am the type of person who will continue to ride the ship, eventhough it's sinking into the ocean. Guess I should stop being that type of person.
Author 9Lives Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Yep, same here. I still don't know why we didn't communicate how we felt or what was going on, but I guess going forward, I'lll be reminded of what happens if I let things slide and turn into a one way relationship. It just sucks because I am the type of person who will continue to ride the ship, eventhough it's sinking into the ocean. Guess I should stop being that type of person. I am the same way. I dont think it is a good idea to be that kind of person either. It means you are just asking for trouble. My ex in the end hurt me so bad. I still feel the pain. I want to forget it and move on but it is so hard. He could care less. Just living and doing whatever makes him happy with his new chic. I realize I am responsible for my own happiness and I am working on it but the past is still hurting me. I will be glad when this part ends. ugh!
HeavenOrHell Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I would have made more time for him/us the last 3 years, but I am not going to regret this forever.
leoine Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 For me, when I saw that my ex was starting to pull away, I wish I would have started getting out more and pulling back as well. I dont ever want to be in a relationship where I am all the way in and he is pulling back and I keep trying to fix it. If he is pushing back, then I will respect it and get myself in a place to not be so crushed like I did in the past. Yep. I wish I had the strength and the guts to have called it quits 4 mths before the end. I know I have it now, but I wish I'd knew then.
Ilovecake Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I would have listened to my gut a whole lot sooner. Like a month into the relationship when he went to get his records from his ex and said he would be back in less than a day but then disappeared for 48 hours.
bluz73 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 I would have never came back to this state knowing while i was away he dated someone else(tells me it was nothing serious) Begged me to move back and wanted only me and there was no one else to worry about and he loved me. I wish i never came here met up with him and had sex and for him the next day to say He wants to be in a relationship with her and not me WTF? Totally tricked me and humiliated me! I should have went with my gut not my heart and said NO since u crossed over dating someone else ITS OVER *******! Then i wouldnt be goin thru all this pain for 6 months!
ADF Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 It sounds like you learned a lot from your painful experiences. Looking back on my own relationship history, I now have a lot of respect for the woman who, when I was 28, dumped me and told me exactly why. At the time, I was devasted. But now, I realize one of the hardest things to get from people is a straight, honest answer. Most people are all about making things as easy as possible on themselves. That is why they "pull away" and try to sort of disappear rather than tell you they want to end the relationship. Anything, anything to avoid a difficult conversation. They are a bunch of cowards.
DustySaltus Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 It sounds like you learned a lot from your painful experiences. Looking back on my own relationship history, I now have a lot of respect for the woman who, when I was 28, dumped me and told me exactly why. At the time, I was devasted. But now, I realize one of the hardest things to get from people is a straight, honest answer. Most people are all about making things as easy as possible on themselves. That is why they "pull away" and try to sort of disappear rather than tell you they want to end the relationship. Anything, anything to avoid a difficult conversation. They are a bunch of cowards. You mind sharing why?
ADF Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 You mind sharing why? She was a lesbian. No joke. That requires a bit of explanation, I know. She was lesbian-identified when we met, and we started off as friends. What I didn't know is that for whatever reason, she has a heterosexual relapse every six or seven years or so. While she mostly dates women, once in a while, she'll meet a guy who just does it for her. I don't know why; I am no expert on this. Anyway, we had a brief, intense romance before she kind of freaked out and decided she just couldn't be in a LTR with a man. But she had the decency to tell me this flat out. She didn't try pulling away gradually or doing a disappearing act, as so many people do. I respect her for that.
bluz73 Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 She was a lesbian. No joke. That requires a bit of explanation, I know. She was lesbian-identified when we met, and we started off as friends. What I didn't know is that for whatever reason, she has a heterosexual relapse every six or seven years or so. While she mostly dates women, once in a while, she'll meet a guy who just does it for her. I don't know why; I am no expert on this. Anyway, we had a brief, intense romance before she kind of freaked out and decided she just couldn't be in a LTR with a man. But she had the decency to tell me this flat out. She didn't try pulling away gradually or doing a disappearing act, as so many people do. I respect her for that. Out of the 6 1/2 years I should have known it was someone else. Never done this until this.... He did the disappearing act for 3 weeks prior to me moving back to his state, wouldnt answer calls texts emails..come to find out during this period he was chasing an 18 year old just out of high school. Tells me it was nothing serious begged me to moved back (cost me 6k) we get together and the next day changed his mind..he was attracted to me loved me thought i was the best but wanted someone new and that was accepting more of his living with mama and his drug addiction! Talk about ANGRY!!!!!! I not only wasted time but money and leaving my family for this idiot so I have deep issues because of him!
paleblue Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 if i could have done something different - i should have also listened to my gut and not involved myself in the first place. there was a whole lot of screwed up junk right out of the gate with her. but i chose to ignore it all and just go with it as promises were made, and she showered me with all kinds of interest. i was warned by some people before i got involved, but nope, didnt listen. and it turned out just like they said. ya, i should have listened. bad move on my part. live & learn.
DustySaltus Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 She was a lesbian. No joke. That requires a bit of explanation, I know. She was lesbian-identified when we met, and we started off as friends. What I didn't know is that for whatever reason, she has a heterosexual relapse every six or seven years or so. While she mostly dates women, once in a while, she'll meet a guy who just does it for her. I don't know why; I am no expert on this. Anyway, we had a brief, intense romance before she kind of freaked out and decided she just couldn't be in a LTR with a man. But she had the decency to tell me this flat out. She didn't try pulling away gradually or doing a disappearing act, as so many people do. I respect her for that. Damn, that's tough. I've been there but it was just a fling. Honesty does go a long way though. However, no one wants to be the bad gal (or guy) anymore.
Perhaps Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 If I could do something different, I'd be more assertive, less passive-aggressive. Too much was sacrificed in the name of love.
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