Why I Am Done Dating.

[DolceVenganza]

I love women. I really do. I am by no means a misogynist. Nope. I love them. I am 30. I have been dating since 17 and during that span was probably single for about 3 years, at best. All other moments were filled with girlfriends, recovering from exes, or dating one or more women.

 

My most recent relationship has hit the fritz and it was called upon to make 'decision on our future.' Alas, I believe the future is decided by the actions in the present, that build up our past, and path the way to the future. Needless to say, dating is not for me and appears to be a broken system at pairing couples up. Here's my rationale:

 

1. It narrows your focus down at too young an age. The fortunate, or unfortunate kids, who begin dating early develop bad habits and detract from what they are really doing. Dating at a young age causes more problems than the opposite situation would.

 

2. It waters down human interaction and jades people to true love, connection and emotion. Having met a few virgins in my life, I am almost embarrassed with having slept around. What I did was empty promises at best.

 

3. Diseases and random pregnancies, for those who do sleep around. Nothing is fully prevented through condom usage. Sex is important and I believe there would be alot less sexless marriages if people 'waited.' Experience in bed doesn't matter, because each partner is unique. You develop CHEMISTRY with your one, not from pleasing other people. There is no bigger turn off than a woman who brings experience to the bedroom. A woman who is INTO sex and into her body is sexy, but not one with mileage on her tires.

 

4. Dating is a game, and it's rigged. Guys often pay, girls get to sit back and enjoy the moment. The focus is on dating, not on "do we match up." The date is often NOT something people mutually enjoy, but dinner, drinks, a show etc. Dating precludes establishing a friendly basis for a relationship and positions 2 people as romantic prospects. This is the wrong focus for a long-term relationship.

 

5. It is fake. True love, great sex and deep emotions DO exist, but each day we sell ourselves out for so much less than what is possible and true because "we think this is the way it ought to be done." Most people get to the alter completely burnt out and jaded. After years of 'dating interviews', match-making and searching, they aren't necessarily ready to put more effort or work in. Instead, they want to rest. Which also explains why guys might feel 'settled.' They are burnt out. This is what they have longed for: an end to the madness.

 

6. Committment is the only way to true enjoyment. I can't get anywhere trying out lifting and stopping. I won't enjoy golf if I do it once and quit. Any habit, hobby, relationship, or job doesn't get better if I keep switching my focus. Swapping books causes you to lose your place and forget or jumble the story. So how is it we keep jumping ship in relationships?

 

7. Dating is a waste of money. If I could recoup EVERY cent I spent since 17 on dates I would own a house and be retired right now. It's a waste of money for any age kid or man and makes the man feel more like a bank account and provider than a partner or friend. We go nuts trying to stock pile funds and resources so that we can provide a lifestyle most Wester women want. Its a fruitless journey that ends only in heartache and bankruptcy. A TRUE partner cares not for your wallet, income, but who you are, what you do, and your potential.

 

8. It has extreme expectations, despite the fact it is a casual, non-committed relationship. Only marriage or the AGREEMENT of a life-long committment in non-marrying partner is TRUE committment, all other situations such as gf-bf are meaningless. It is PLAYING house. Playing Love. Playing sex. You are dabbling with someone's emotions and in the long-run, only damaging each other. You aren't figuring anything out about their LONG-term prospects. Quite the opposite. You are both taking advantage of that aspect a long-term partner would appreciate.

 

9. If you're only good to date, what's the point? They are saying you aren't good for the long-run, so all you are doing is wasting finding the person who WOULD want to spend time with you, a very long time.

 

10. Breaking promises. I think this is the part that really waters people down. Men are particularly hurt and shocked by this aspect of women. One minute they are head over heals, swooning over her man, the next she dumps him and it's like the promises she made were no good. Men are quite often, bound to their word. It is how we relate to other men. Our word, a handshake, and we're good to do business, die in the line of fire, help each other move, or drink a brew. Each time we date and breakup, it is like a huge pile of broken promises accumulates.

 

What if you were there on your wedding day and all the partners each of you had since childhood attended and spouted off the broken promises and sensual delights each martial partner shared with others?

 

11. I don't know if I believe in the ONE, but I sure am not also going to run around DABBLING with people's hearts and minds. Life is too precious, too short, too good for people to be wound in SHORT-term relations that mean nothing from the get-go.

 

12. Dating breaks up future relationships, too. Too many girls and guys post how their CURRENT S/O isn't over their prior fiance, prior bf/gf, or even someone who they might have had interest in. This love/lust/fantasy cycle screws up new relationships too. Our need to date pushes us from relationship to relationship, diminishing WHAT it should be about.

 

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I could go on and on, but in looking back on my life it too me awhile to come to these conclusions of which I am very happy. Dating was playing at time period I was not mature enough to play and should not have been playing. I know women want marriage and rightfully should have it. Too many women sell themselves for too much less, "hoping" that in offering alot up front the guy see's that and goes for the whole package. It will never happen.

 

A guy will love a woman he can be friends with, a partner in life accomplishing their common and separate goals, a person he can go to in times of trouble as a refuge, and much, much more. But so few females are worthy friends today because most are so consumed with dating, being reality tv show stars, being married, or just skanking around.

 

Sex matters. Love matters. I would rather build on this tension up and release it over a lifetime with one woman, than spread it amongst many and be diffused of my energy. All the dating was nice. It was fun, for the time being anyways. I met great people, but in the wake of all that are many heavy hearts.

 

From every X I know, they regret letting us go. Many of the girls I dated actually really liked me, but because of the pressures of dating and others pressuring them to date, we were all confused and lost our way. Once the emotion, sex, and play starts, it becomes confusing and hard to see straight.

 

It subjugates male-female relationships. We all know that lifelong committment to ANYTHING yields much more satisfaction than the flighty commitment phobe who runs away. You can't experience true happiness, devotion, love, depth, without committing to something, anything. And these are just my words.

 

So at 30, I am waiting. If I find a suitable woman to marry, one who I can devote myself to entirely, I will marry her. I will appreciate and respect her because she has done likewise, and she has respected herself enough. There's other more important things to do than 'play house and relationship' when 2 people really aren't coupled or committed. And there's no sense holding life back over such a thing.

 

Thank you,

 

DV.

[sagetalk]

 

1) 10. Breaking promises. I think this is the part that really waters people down.

 

 

2) 11. I don't know if I believe in the ONE, but I sure am not also going to run around DABBLING with people's hearts and minds. Life is too precious, too short, too good for people to be wound in SHORT-term relations that mean nothing from the get-go.

3) 12. Dating breaks up future relationships, too. Too many girls and guys post how their CURRENT S/O isn't over their prior fiance, prior bf/gf, or even someone who they might have had interest in. This love/lust/fantasy cycle screws up new relationships too. Our need to date pushes us from relationship to relationship, diminishing WHAT it should be about.

 

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4) I could go on and on, but in looking back on my life it too me awhile to come to these conclusions of which I am very happy. Dating was playing at time period I was not mature enough to play and should not have been playing.

5) I know women want marriage and rightfully should have it. Too many women sell themselves for too much less, "hoping" that in offering alot up front the guy see's that and goes for the whole package. It will never happen.

 

 

6) Sex matters. Love matters. I would rather build on this tension up and release it over a lifetime with one woman, than spread it amongst many and be diffused of my energy.

7) Once the emotion, sex, and play starts, it becomes confusing and hard to see straight.

 

8) It subjugates male-female relationships. We all know that lifelong committment to ANYTHING yields much more satisfaction than the flighty commitment phobe who runs away. You can't experience true happiness, devotion, love, depth, without committing to something, anything. And these are just my words.

 

There are some very wise statements in this post, your experience has taught you well, but what are you going to do with it now?

 

1.) This true, when someone dates a bad person, it hurts their future with honest people. Dating partners will make all the difference in the world in your life.

 

2.) Very wll written. If the young read this and did it, they would find happiness much easier.

 

3.) True again. Many people cannot let an ex go, no matter how bad the ex was. Toxic.

 

4.) To learn at 30 that love is not a game is a great find (before it's too late). Remember that and never forget it.

 

5.) Yes they do and I tell them that in my life and on here. It's almost always due to low self esteem. These men make them feel special, but most of the time the guys just want a bf/gf sexual relationship which is not a way a man shows a woman that she is special or valuable.

 

6.) Very wise.

 

7.) This is why so many people cannot give up an ex. Emotional attachments can be lethal.

 

8.) You are correct here as well. The main reason dating is a turn off to many people is because the total lack of commitment. Everyday you wake up thinking if your gf/bf is thinking the grass is greener on other side. Not healthy, and not fun.

[DolceVenganza]

Refocusing on myself, my family relationships, my business, giving more to people overall, volunteering for charities and organizations, and I will find a woman who wants to go down the same path I do and believes in love and committment as I do.

 

I believed, falsely, that I had to 'date' alot to find a life long partner. Totally bogus, IMO. That is like having a lot of jobs or job-hopping in the hopes of finding the ONE job. A better path to finding your true job calling is to work HARDER on yourself than you do your job to make yourself more valuable to the world economy.

 

Needless to say, all dating does is water love and sex down. I often found myself liking a girl for one part, but not the other, and since things were good, we would never give up the relationship. I often wonder if she felt the same. I know in fights it would come out in all the ways I was not like their prior S/O.

 

Many of my dating relationships broke up so that the girl could go back to her X because of unresolved feelings, only to find it was a bad choice or she got knocked up, then tried to come back to me. At that point, all of the feelings on my part had been altered and I viewed her as damage goods.

 

It goes without saying that men don't want women who sleep around. And men don't want to be the kind that sleep around either, even though there is less of a stigma attached to it. When I see a woman "waiting" and should I be some man-whore, I will feel horrible and unworthy for her. She waited; I didn't. And men don't marry promiscuous women.

 

That whole path from those teenage years it was like leaving breadcrumbs of you behind in sex and love. A piece of you lost, not gained. At least I feel like I am gaining some of myself back from having disposed of it in prior relationships.

 

This board would be empty if people tightened up their ship, closed their legs, and related to the opposite sex from a position of mutual respect and friendship THEN sex. I can't name how many times I 'felt' close to a woman that I was friends first and wanted her in bed to EXPRESS what I felt.

 

I could look her in the eyes with TRUE love, because I didn't put SEX/physical INTIMACY first, but instead our feelings, relationships, connection, respect, and love. But NOT-dating doesn't sell. It doesn't help society, the economy, or capitalism. A broken down, disunified family is weak and easily manipulated. And loose women help men who are broken and would manipulate them.

 

Dating is bad for men in the regard that women inevitably want, expect, and deserve committment akin to marriage, and most dating situations are like that, but men don't think in their head like that. They feel "I am not married" so I won't treat her like a wife. OR, if he feels he does treat her like a wife, he won't go to the next step and marry.

 

Dating is bad for women because you are giving up some of your best points for the cheapest part. Getting sex is a bad reason, because it will never be as good as it could be if you find the guy you really want. And what you did is embed the believe it won't be that good, so you SETTLE. Additionally, men are less inclined to marry if they are dating. It's a NICE taste, but there's a flaw here.

 

Not everyone will marry or wants to, but the heartache, confusion, risks, and emotional/physical dysfunctions that occur from TEMPORARY relationships will plague a person forever. The only people that weren't married who never suffered that were essentially COMMON law married. And to me, being married isn't a word or status, but an ACTION. You are or you're not; the action of going through with it is a promise.

 

I just know...that when it comes time to be with someone, I dont' want to be jaded from tons of BAD relationships, or possible good ones that I hem and haw over...I don't want women doubting who they married because of us...which is happening even now...I want to give my all...and I can't do that if before getting into a long-term relationship or marriage I was giving away some already...I'll be watered down and NOT want to give much or anything that my partner deserves...

 

We're diffusing our energy, our love, our sex, our everything on short-term relationships with people who don't care and don't have our best interests at heart. I have learned and I'm glad. I only hope to pass this along to my kids someday. There's more to life than dating.

 

 

DV

[DolceVenganza]

Living Together Before Marriage.

 

This was another issue that I remembered as I read another thread on it.

 

Unfortunately, all I see is confusion and hurt, not focus and pleasure.

 

When living together, two people can waste significant time and money. I haven't done it and wouldn't do it. If I am going to committ to someone, I committ to them, and they to me.

 

I don't bail out because I don't like their living habits. But the aspects of dating are a game, so people don't put themselves out there so it is natural to expect to live together to see behind the masks people wear while dating.

 

I remember so many times I heard "I didn't want to scare you away." If that's the case, there's alot of things at play here. They became too attached too fast. They are not ok with themselves, although they should be. They were being fake, so I can't properly evaluate who they are and if I would be a good match. They are thinking too much about their needs and not enough about my needs.

 

*Hiding anything is deceptive and duplicitous. No relationship can last with that kind of behavior and no human wants to live like that. It weakens you in so many ways and weighs heavily on your mind as you have to constantly remember a false reality just to maintain it.*

 

Needless to say, living with a woman before marriage never made sense. It still doesn't. There's a strong chance it can end. I'm not against it ending, but no woman today wants a prenup because they feel it is 'setting up for failure' and no man wants to divorce because of how imbalanced the laws seem to be against him.

 

When living together, you should be able to look forward to it, not view it as a time period of 'evaluating whether they are still a suitable mate' based on how it goes. Committment MEANS knowing that you are getting into AND pushing forward. You can apply this aspect to anything: fitness, work, kids, saving/investing, starting a business, a hobby, etc.

 

You know what it is you have before you, ultimately what it is you have is worth it all, so you do what is necessary. There is no breaking point. But dating allows that weak hole so people can have 'options.' Not that options and choices are inherently bad, but sooo many relationships fail because a person's MIND is not fully in the relationship they are in.

 

Sure, initially the person might be head over heals at first because it iS NEW and the emotions are running high, but when trouble comes people will begin second-guessing this situation relative to other's they could be or have been in.

 

And this is why I see so many posts about great guys or girls trying to figure out a rigged, damaging and destructive game. Just stop playing it, because it is a game stacked against you.

 

MANY great girls don't even realize this. I actually know some catholic girls who attend mass every sunday, come from families who respect marriage and frown upon casual dating, and yet they openly engage in casual sex, dating, or living together before marriage BECAUSE they think that's how it has to go because everyone, including their friends are doing.

 

Aside from the religious implications, there are the emotional, physical, and psychological ones, and I only bring these up because men who 'wait or don't date' maybe seen as being weak or wussies, and women who do would be seen as inexperienced or prudes. Quite the opposite...they have VALUE. They have self-worth.

 

DV

[TheBigQuestion]

Props for writing a very well-thought out and insightful thread. One thing though. I'm not really sure how you plan on finding someone and getting to know someone without "dating" them to some degree. Not to mention that you could find this person to be "the one" and vice versa, yet it could still screw itself up a few years down the line without warning. Yes, people could and should be more responsible and considerate when it comes to dating, but I'm not really sure if you can eliminate most aspects of dating rules/procedures if you meet someone you feel you're compatible with and are compelled to get to know them better.

[MalachiX]

My most recent relationship has hit the fritz and it was called upon to make 'decision on our future.' Needless to say, dating is not for me and appears to be a broken system at pairing couples up.

 

Well thank goodness you didn't make any rash decisions after a break-up.

 

1. It narrows your focus down at too young an age. The fortunate, or unfortunate kids, who begin dating early develop bad habits and detract from what they are really doing.

Yup, which is why all those 40-year-old virgins rule the world (apologies to any actual 40-year-old virgins on these boards).

 

There is no bigger turn off than a woman who brings experience to the bedroom.

What if she pooped on the carpet? That's a pretty big turn off. Or if she came in naked but wearing a latex mask that looked exactly like your mother. Or, what if you were in the middle of it and she suddenly walked over to the TV and turned on The View? That would kill my boner faster than experience.

 

Committment is the only way to true enjoyment.

I'm totally in agreement with you but my penis is shaking his head.

 

What if you were there on your wedding day and all the partners each of you had since childhood attended and spouted off the broken promises and sensual delights each martial partner shared with others?

I have the exact same dream! Except in my dream, I'm naked. And it's not at a wedding but at an S&M club. And it's not previous partners but various boyscout scoutmasters. Ok, maybe it's not the same dream... Edited April 4, 2010 by MalachiX