From hot to cold overnight - what happened?

[boogieboy]

I posted an update above...don't think he's met someone else.

 

Hot to cold usually means theres someone else. But you will find out when his busy season is over next week. Guys know they can back off when the girl is into him and wont go anywhere.

[cooldudeinberlin]

Men are like rubberbands. They need to stretch away - feel their freedom, but they'll come swinging back. Then, in a while- they'll stretch away again, see how far they can go - and come swinging back even harder. The longer you see him, the less this will happen. What is important is that you do NOT call him, give him his space. Let him stretch away. He is expecting you to freak out, don't. To be fair, he did give you a warning- he will be busy. Let him be busy. Let him miss you. When he calls, act cool and fun and bright. Tell him "Hey! So how did everything go..." it gives the illusion you didn't obsess, etc.

 

Believe me. This will work.

 

Just trust in it.

 

And find other fun things to do. Fill your life with others.

 

somewhat insightful... funny to say the least... I would say 80% true except that HE ISNT expecting you to miss him... this isnt a game, the dude is busy and its really the last thing on his mind... nothing wrong with missing each other...

 

but all in all it is the best advice you could have given her with the exception of the reasons for that advice: it is not for illusion's sake... it's for HER genuine, sincerely sake... its not about a game, its about someone's well being... and only when you can achieve that well being, can you have complete control over yourself and realize only YOU are responsible for your happiness. Besides, and you will learn soon enough, those silly little games dont really work with anyone worthwhile... maybe the little insecure boys in college... pfft... I used to be one of those

[bac]

Can any guys provide insight into WHY you may do this? Particularly if you've initiated most things in the relationship and the girl you've been seeing hasn't been needy/clingy/tried to move too fast (he occasionally makes comments about how I'm the complete opposite of those things). I feel like we've both had plenty of space while getting to know each other. Why pull away then?

 

Details of your relationship is everything if you want advice. You do not give any details except that it was daily communication for 2 months.

 

My guess is that you are in 20s, you have never had intercourse with each other, you met each other in a way which is not online.

 

Typically, daily communication means that a guy wants to have sex with you.

Typically, doing the right thing means that he has good communication skills and decent experience with females.

Having a relationship for 2 months means that it is a short-term relationship which can go in any direction including a guy's sudden disappearance after finally having sex with a girl for 1-3 times.

[cooldudeinberlin]

Listen OP, according to your original post and update... everything is fine... its okay... now do yourself a favor: relax and take a deep breath... HE isnt your whole world... you do not NEED him... you choose to WANT him... big difference... think about it!

 

Stop getting freaky and relax... this is the problem with over contacting someone in the initial stages of getting to know someone... when things "get back to normal" and a more human pace of contacting ensues... the contrast can sometimes be culture shock and one or the other may perceive this as "things are changing or cooling off".... not the case!

 

sound like he really cares for you and would probably be flattered, embarrassed and somewhat a bit annoyed about the way you carried on in his absence....

 

relax... all is okay in paradise!

[marsle85]

So...he called. He left work early on Monday and we ended up spending time together on Monday night.

 

You let him call you the day of and made plans with him? I don't know what day he called you to resume hanging out - but if it's Monday... or even SUNDAY, TOTALLY...TOTALLY unacceptable. Forget him leaving work, you don't even know if he really did. The point is, he has the idea now: Wow. I call the DAY off (or nearly) and she's available. On cue. Great. She's so convenient.

 

Nooo way Cinderella. After his shadiness the last few weeks, if he would have called me Monday - I would have responded: "Oh no! I'm so sorry but I already have plans... Aw, I'm so bummed." Notice how I DIDN't offer another day to get together, I just expressed genuine disappointment and also showed him: I have my own life, I have other plans. If you don't make plans with me, someone else will. Oh, and by the way- you have to call me days PRIOR to the plans you want to make.

 

You have to be PLANNED FOR, Cinderella. You do NOT hop over on command. You are too busy!!!

 

I called him tonight about hanging out this week but he didn't answer and I haven't heard back yet. I can't help but start worrying and being a little anxious again (I'm awful about this, I know).

 

You know how you can get rid of that anxious feeling? BY NOT CALLING HIM. You should neverrrrr have called him again! Listen. This is what it comes down to: If you are interested enough to call him to make plans during the week, why shouldn't he be? Business ONLY works as an excuse not to see eachother very OFTEN- not for contact. If someone's busy, they want to see you - but cannot. That will not stop them from showing you in every way (text, flowers, whatever) that they genuinely do want to see you. Plus, he still needs to be impressing you! Who says if he doesn't cut this crap you won't walk away? He should be making it UP to you on the times he can't show up.

 

Cinderella. STOP MAKING YOURSELF SO AVAILABLE! It's not fun. Sometimes when you're free and you want to hang out, you have to make something up. Or, even better - make your week busy for real! Do things that simply won't be moved for a guy. You had the initiative to make plans, he does too... if he's interested enough.

 

He was so attentive the first 6 weeks we were dating. I know that pace wasn't exactly sustainable over the long-term and he has had so much happen in those last 2 weeks. But the change is a bit jarring and I find myself needing reassurance his feelings haven't changed.

 

He was attentive because he wasn't sure if he had you or not. He wanted to win you over. HE wanted reassureance so HE pursued you. Then- you played all of your cards and are an open book he can read at any moment. Now, he knows he has you in his back pocket, and will come over any time he wants to call-- and voila. There you are. In response to this behavior, YOU are looking for reassurance - and doing what he did in the beginning of the relationship (pursuing him). But the dating rules are different for men and women. Like it or not, pursuing for men is viewed as charming and romantic. Pursuing for women is considered desperate and clingy.

 

On Monday night we talked about me possibly sleeping over, even though it wasn't something we planned on (we've had one prior sleepover). He decided it wasn't a good idea because he had to get up really early the next day and said, "There will be other nights for you to stay." Do you think that's a cop out statement or him trying to reassure me?

 

You clearly don't get how SEXY you are. The point is - this man has the chance to have A WOMAN IN HIS BED. And I don't care HOW busy he is, how early he has to get up - if he isn't JUMPING on that, you have some problems. Secondly, you control the pace of the relationship. Getting you to sleep over should be a TREAT* not something you ask for. Don't get comfortable staying at his place until you're in a relationship. It's a bad pattern to start. He will start to take you for granted.

 

Cinderella. Girl. You have got to change things around quick. I think there's still time, but it's up in the air. Right now he thinks he has you in the bag. Next time he calls or texts- don't pick up. Let it go to voicemail. Do not return the message. Period. No matter what. As long as it isn't a direct question about upcoming plans. DO NOT RESPOND. He thinks he has you already, so he's going to assume you didn't mean to miss his call. He'll call/text again.

 

Tell him you're getting rid of your text plan. The only way to reach you will be to call you unforunately. That way you can get rid of extraneous/noncommital communication methods.

 

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT:

 

Tuesday's plans. Never were made. He will try to confirm. You tell him "Oh i'm so sorry! We never made solid plans, so now i'm busy... yadayadayad" Don't tell him doing what.

 

Unless he has you nailed down, you are busy.

That's the idea.

 

Only call him in RESPONSE to his calls or once in a while.

And most importantly-

 

Never communicate him in the attempt to validate yourself/get reassurance. People can read right through it.

Edited April 8, 2010 by marsle85

[cooldudeinberlin]

^^^^ careful with this advice... wonder how much of it can be discounted due to a really bad situation or similar situation of a different nature this person just recently went through.... seriously, this Cosmo magazine game playing doesnt really work out there in the real world... and Sex and the City is Hollywood: doesnt really exist the way it plays out on a well written show by men ;-)

 

I reiterate... these games backfire... and they are so transparent... every one of these girls that has played these games with me I never let them know I can recognize or see right through it and guess what... in under two weeks, the tables have turned and they are the ones pursuing hard... ill say it again... ANYONE WORTHWHILE, these silly little games DO NOT WORK like magazines and hollywood would have you believe.

 

Seriously OP, before you take the cynical approach to life, think more inwards and be true to yourself... no one here knows your situation better than you... and no one knows what "his" intentions or agenda really are/is or even if he has one...

 

at the same token, remember to put yourself first and then build from there what you want.

Edited April 8, 2010 by cooldudeinberlin

[lino]

I've been in your same situation several times except with the genders reversed as I'm a bloke.

 

Each time it ended up being because the girl was losing interest in me but didn't want to leave me until she found someone new.

 

In essence, I was being used as a stepping stone

 

 

You let him call you the day of and made plans with him? I don't know what day he called you to resume hanging out - but if it's Monday... or even SUNDAY, TOTALLY...TOTALLY unacceptable. Forget him leaving work, you don't even know if he really did. The point is, he has the idea now: Wow. I call the DAY off (or nearly) and she's available. On cue. Great. She's so convenient.

 

Nooo way Cinderella. After his shadiness the last few weeks, if he would have called me Monday - I would have responded: "Oh no! I'm so sorry but I already have plans... Aw, I'm so bummed." Notice how I DIDN't offer another day to get together, I just expressed genuine disappointment and also showed him: I have my own life, I have other plans. If you don't make plans with me, someone else will. Oh, and by the way- you have to call me days PRIOR to the plans you want to make.

 

You have to be PLANNED FOR, Cinderella. You do NOT hop over on command. You are too busy!!!

 

 

 

You know how you can get rid of that anxious feeling? BY NOT CALLING HIM. You should neverrrrr have called him again! Listen. This is what it comes down to: If you are interested enough to call him to make plans during the week, why shouldn't he be? Business ONLY works as an excuse not to see eachother very OFTEN- not for contact. If someone's busy, they want to see you - but cannot. That will not stop them from showing you in every way (text, flowers, whatever) that they genuinely do want to see you. Plus, he still needs to be impressing you! Who says if he doesn't cut this crap you won't walk away? He should be making it UP to you on the times he can't show up.

 

Cinderella. STOP MAKING YOURSELF SO AVAILABLE! It's not fun. Sometimes when you're free and you want to hang out, you have to make something up. Or, even better - make your week busy for real! Do things that simply won't be moved for a guy. You had the initiative to make plans, he does too... if he's interested enough.

 

 

 

He was attentive because he wasn't sure if he had you or not. He wanted to win you over. HE wanted reassureance so HE pursued you. Then- you played all of your cards and are an open book he can read at any moment. Now, he knows he has you in his back pocket, and will come over any time he wants to call-- and voila. There you are. In response to this behavior, YOU are looking for reassurance - and doing what he did in the beginning of the relationship (pursuing him). But the dating rules are different for men and women. Like it or not, pursuing for men is viewed as charming and romantic. Pursuing for women is considered desperate and clingy.

 

 

 

You clearly don't get how SEXY you are. The point is - this man has the chance to have A WOMAN IN HIS BED. And I don't care HOW busy he is, how early he has to get up - if he isn't JUMPING on that, you have some problems. Secondly, you control the pace of the relationship. Getting you to sleep over should be a TREAT* not something you ask for. Don't get comfortable staying at his place until you're in a relationship. It's a bad pattern to start. He will start to take you for granted.

 

Cinderella. Girl. You have got to change things around quick. I think there's still time, but it's up in the air. Right now he thinks he has you in the bag. Next time he calls or texts- don't pick up. Let it go to voicemail. Do not return the message. Period. No matter what. As long as it isn't a direct question about upcoming plans. DO NOT RESPOND. He thinks he has you already, so he's going to assume you didn't mean to miss his call. He'll call/text again.

 

Tell him you're getting rid of your text plan. The only way to reach you will be to call you unforunately. That way you can get rid of extraneous/noncommital communication methods.

 

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT:

 

Tuesday's plans. Never were made. He will try to confirm. You tell him "Oh i'm so sorry! We never made solid plans, so now i'm busy... yadayadayad" Don't tell him doing what.

 

Unless he has you nailed down, you are busy.

That's the idea.

 

Only call him in RESPONSE to his calls or once in a while.

And most importantly-

 

Never communicate him in the attempt to validate yourself/get reassurance. People can read right through it.

 

 

I got a headache just reading that. If a woman ever played things out like that with me I wouldn't bother with her anymore.

 

Pretending to be busy and purposely not contacting a guy are something teens would do.

[homersheineken]

Can any guys provide insight into WHY you may do this? Particularly if you've initiated most things in the relationship and the girl you've been seeing hasn't been needy/clingy/tried to move too fast (he occasionally makes comments about how I'm the complete opposite of those things). I feel like we've both had plenty of space while getting to know each other. Why pull away then?

Sometimes it's just going too far too fast. I'm a very independent person. IF I feel I'm losing my individuality, I need to regain it - and you can't do that by being with the person.

 

It's like the stock market. If it starts to grow too much too fast, it overheats and causes inflation, making it worth less. It needs to grow at a comfortable pace. You need the right flux

[homersheineken]

I do think that if the guy wants to take a breather and have more space for a while, he should have just said that.

 

Uh no. If he says "I need a break" all sorts of things run through a woman's mind. Usually they are all bad and the situation quickly spirals out of control. Keep it vague.

[Fouts]

I got a headache just reading that. If a woman ever played things out like that with me I wouldn't bother with her anymore

 

marsle85 would make a great life coach for these young ladies during the transition phases of their relationship (i.e. getting dumped)

 

Cinderella, I don't think this guy is holding your magic slipper hun, but looks like you're going to stick it out to the end. I hope it can magically turn around for you somehow, but hope you're prepared to let go and move on.

[marsle85]

Things didn't work out with my guy because I didn't follow my own advice.

 

Cooldude said something earlier about "being" these rules and it's so true. I don't mean for her to play a game with this guy- she won't be herself. I mean for her to PROTECT herself. The point is - the ideal person would follow her own ideal, self respecting guidelines (not chasing a guy) and if she finds herself breaking those guidelines, she can refer back to these "rules". But the sad truth is (and I have been this person myself) many people don't know when to stop. They look for validation and worry the person will leave so they pursue harder.

 

People treat you how you let them treat you, ESPECIALLY in the formative months pre-relationship. She shouldn't let things slide that she would let slide in a relationship... and neither should he. Both of them are trying to come off as positively as possible.

 

I'm not saying she shoudn't pursue this guy at all - you have to feel comfortable being youself and expressing your affection for someone. I'm saying if she notices his lack of attention, she should calm down. This isn't some manipulative game. It makes common sense. Give him his space. He is only going to grow annoyed of her consistency and attention. This isn't rocket science.

 

It comes down to human interaction. There are "rules" because we're all human and we DO tend to respond to certain things in the same way. Over and over. That's why guidelines WORK. I don't suggest Cinderella shares this whole theory with him either, but I don't think anyone would be love struck with ANY of the posts on LS.

 

I'm not trying to play games. It comes off that way because it sounds like there are rules... but that is the only way to really verbalize what is acceptable and what's not. And most people (unless given strict orders) will forgo what they would do typically to try and obtain a romantic partner.

[Rittenhouse]

You have to be PLANNED FOR, Cinderella. You do NOT hop over on command. You are too busy!!!

 

Marsle, I agree with you generally. She absolutely needs to re-establish a balance between his desires and hers. And yes, she needs to fill her schedule with other things, both to enjoy her life and protect herself in the event of a break-up.

 

Where I disagree, is that I think she should be verbal and straightforward about these things, instead of mysterious and indirect. She should call the guy and say, look, I understand you've been busy, I've got some things I've been putting off too, I think we've gone a little too fast and we should take a step back for a while so that we can each catch up with the rest of our lives.

 

Then she should basically make the guy start from scratch-- establish a pattern of maybe talking once a week, and if he wants to re-escalate, make the rules clear, and let him know what will work and what won't. She has to train the guy as she would a dog, and make him behave. I think it would save a lot of time for her to do this verbally instead of through dodgy behavior.

[Rittenhouse]

Uh no. If he says "I need a break" all sorts of things run through a woman's mind. Usually they are all bad and the situation quickly spirals out of control. Keep it vague.

 

Sheesh, aren't a lot of things running through her mind anyway? Wouldn't she rather know the real reason for his behavior?

[threebyfate]

If he`s losing interest, it won`t matter what she does.

 

So, I agree that you don`t chase him. Let him make all the contact. When he does make contact, respond. If he texts you, text a very short note back. If he calls you, talk to him but be the first one to end the call citing things to do, etc. Have a life and if he can`t make plans early enough, your original plans always trump.

 

If he makes vague plans, consider them no plans until he solidifies them. Don`t ever ask to stay over. Until he asks you, the two of you have separate places. Don`t leave your toothbrush or any other item at his place. Keep it all separate.

 

If he`s not meeting your needs, dump him.

[Cinderella7]

Wow, I really appreciate all of the advice from everyone. I've been doing a lot of thinking since last night and you are very right. I am going to a) stop contacting him & let him pursue me from this point forward and b) refocus my energy and attention on my own life. I know I come across as insecure and clingy in these posts, and I tend to post here when I feel like that and need to talk about it or need reassurance. Just to clarify, the other 23 hours in the day I'm actually pretty busy with my career, friends, hobbies, etc. The problem is, I made some space for this guy in my busy life earlier than I should have and now I'm a little too aware aware of his absence. I did a great job keeping my guard up for the first month of dating, and then when I started to let him in & develop feelings for him, my insecurities kicked in big time.

 

I am going to back off for awhile and give him space until his busy period ends later next week. Normally, this is behavior I wouldn't tolerate at all but he did give me plenty of warning that things would be bad for a month or so. He was treating me so well prior to the last 2 weeks that I am willing to stick it out and see what happens. If things don't improve after that point, it will be over. I don't have the patience or the time to invest in someone who's not giving me 100%.

 

Marsle, I really do appreciate the advice and totally understand your point of view. I might not take it to the extremes you suggest in your posts but you have some very valid points that I am definitely taking to heart. You would, as someone else previously suggested, be a great life coach!

 

Thanks again to everyone for the advice.

[cooldudeinberlin]

Things didn't work out with my guy because I didn't follow my own advice.

 

Cooldude said something earlier about "being" these rules and it's so true. I don't mean for her to play a game with this guy- she won't be herself. I mean for her to PROTECT herself. The point is - the ideal person would follow her own ideal, self respecting guidelines (not chasing a guy) and if she finds herself breaking those guidelines, she can refer back to these "rules". But the sad truth is (and I have been this person myself) many people don't know when to stop. They look for validation and worry the person will leave so they pursue harder.

 

People treat you how you let them treat you, ESPECIALLY in the formative months pre-relationship. She shouldn't let things slide that she would let slide in a relationship... and neither should he. Both of them are trying to come off as positively as possible.

 

I'm not saying she shoudn't pursue this guy at all - you have to feel comfortable being youself and expressing your affection for someone. I'm saying if she notices his lack of attention, she should calm down. This isn't some manipulative game. It makes common sense. Give him his space. He is only going to grow annoyed of her consistency and attention. This isn't rocket science.

 

It comes down to human interaction. There are "rules" because we're all human and we DO tend to respond to certain things in the same way. Over and over. That's why guidelines WORK. I don't suggest Cinderella shares this whole theory with him either, but I don't think anyone would be love struck with ANY of the posts on LS.

 

I'm not trying to play games. It comes off that way because it sounds like there are rules... but that is the only way to really verbalize what is acceptable and what's not. And most people (unless given strict orders) will forgo what they would do typically to try and obtain a romantic partner.

 

 

Okay, then I was wrong to read your message the way I did... I totally understand and agree with you. And not to be hypocritical, I am no stranger to a certain type of criteria and stimulii that actually results in reaction - on a funamental instinct level...

[OndaChin]

Answering your question - Why do guys do this (rubberbanding)?

 

ANSWER:

 

Men (without mental issues) that "have a REAL interest" in a woman - DONT DO THIS STUFF!!!

 

Think about it! Your gut is telling you (by giving painful/sad) emotions that something is MISSING in this quasi-relationship you got going.

 

I know it hurts like hell AND "IS" very hard to understand while youre going through it BUT you need to let it go (let him go).

 

When a man wants you in his life (without doubts)- he will "WANT" to know what youre up to. He will also want "you" to know: "Youre in his mind at all times".

 

I think its utter - B.S. to start playing games to get "attention" from someone. Either they Do OR Dont!!

 

*If they Dont (i.e.- show interest) then you "DO" move on and cease contacting them anyfurther! Problem solved.

 

Good luck!

[txsilkysmoothe]

Normally, this is behavior I wouldn't tolerate at all but he did give me plenty of warning that things would be bad for a month or so.

 

Considering the above, I don't understand why you're obsessing. He told you ahead of time that he would be less available because of work and yet you are questioning why he is less available? The very fact that he told you means it was important to him that you understand the reason for the reduced contact.

[homersheineken]

Sheesh, aren't a lot of things running through her mind anyway? Wouldn't she rather know the real reason for his behavior?

 

 

So you're saying it better to tell a very emotional being, something very emotional and expect to get a logical thought process out of this?

 

Originally Posted by Cinderella7

Normally, this is behavior I wouldn't tolerate at all but he did give me plenty of warning that things would be bad for a month or so.

Considering the above, I don't understand why you're obsessing. He told you ahead of time that he would be less available because of work and yet you are questioning why he is less available? The very fact that he told you means it was important to him that you understand the reason for the reduced contact.

 

See, here he was being thoughtful and logical. And now it's turned into a big mess because of emotions.

Edited April 9, 2010 by homersheineken

[Jilly Bean]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's involved with someone else, and is keeping you around until he sees how that one works out.

 

Any guy who so soon into dating blows off a chance for a "sleepover" with the excuse that he has an early morning, is either spending the night with someone else, or losing interest pretty quickly.

 

You said you're not exclusive, so if I were you, I'd be open to dating other guys right now.

[Rittenhouse]

Answering your question - Why do guys do this (rubberbanding)?

 

ANSWER:

 

Men (without mental issues) that "have a REAL interest" in a woman - DONT DO THIS STUFF!!!

 

THANK you. The weird thing about Marsle's posts is that in a way, she's making excuses for the guy. In fact, there is no excuse.

[Rittenhouse]

So you're saying it better to tell a very emotional being, something very emotional and expect to get a logical thought process out of this?

 

See, here he was being thoughtful and logical. And now it's turned into a big mess because of emotions.

 

Homer, I certainly agree that women are not always logical. But I think it's usually at least worth a try to communicate verbally. And from what we know of this case, it doesn't seem like Cinderella is the one at fault. She said she was specifically bothered that he said he'd call one night and didn't. I would have the exact same reaction if I thought I was off to a promising start with someone.

[Cinderella7]

Rittenhouse is right...I was bothered by him saying he'd call & he didn't. However, we've worked that out and when we talk & see each other, it's fine. It doesn't feel weird or like anything's changed at all.

 

The problem is that his work is heavily tax oriented and tax day is next week. Thus he's been heavily into work mode & we haven't seen each other or talked much since that point. But he did warn me he'd be busy, and I've been trying to take the advice given here to heart. If he's working a 15 hour day and still bothers to send a good night text, I'm not too worried, even if the contact is much less than before. I've been focused on keeping myself busy and letting him get work out of the way and then figure out where we stand after that. I'm still a little anxious, and will be until tax season ends & we have some sort of talk about where this is going, but I'm a worrier by nature and there's only so much you can do.

[counterman]

Yep, the best you can do is keep yourself preoccupied. It's healthier that way too, rather than fretting overly about something you can't do much about. I always find that a walk or a jog clears my mind when I worry a little too much. I like how you're going to let him settle everything with his work first. It'll be blissful once his work hours aren't so demanding.

[Kamille]

So...he called. He left work early on Monday and we ended up spending time together on Monday night. Everything felt fine between us. I really think he was just busy and overwhelmed with everything going on in his life lately.

 

I got a nice text message from him on Tuesday and we spoke Tuesday night. We tried to make plans for later on this week but didn't finalize anything. He seemed very tired when we spoke.

 

I called him tonight about hanging out this week but he didn't answer and I haven't heard back yet. I can't help but start worrying and being a little anxious again (I'm awful about this, I know). His busy season at work ends next week so I am hoping that things improve after that. Being patient has never been something I've been good at.

 

He was so attentive the first 6 weeks we were dating. I know that pace wasn't exactly sustainable over the long-term and he has had so much happen in those last 2 weeks. But the change is a bit jarring and I find myself needing reassurance his feelings haven't changed.

 

On Monday night we talked about me possibly sleeping over, even though it wasn't something we planned on (we've had one prior sleepover). He decided it wasn't a good idea because he had to get up really early the next day and said, "There will be other nights for you to stay." Do you think that's a cop out statement or him trying to reassure me?

 

Any insight/advice/words of wisdom/comfort would be appreciated.

 

Yes, relax.

 

My bf is a workaholic and I understand the need for reassurance. Here's how I handle it now (we've been together 8 months now): I flirtatiously tell him "Once the rush is over, you owe me a steamy date". He's always happy to comply.