From hot to cold overnight - what happened?

[Cinderella7]

I've been dating a guy for two months now and everything seemed to be going perfectly. He seemed very interested and did everything "right": called when he said he would, made time for me, planned interesting dates, the whole nine yards. We would see each other a few times a week & talk on a daily basis (something he initiated) and he had mentioned meeting the family, etc. We aren't "exclusive" but it was something I had been wanting to bring up soon.

 

However, last night, he went completely MIA. We haven't seen each other in 10 days or so, since he went out of town, moved, and has been super busy at work during that time period (all things I knew would be happening and he warned me he would be really busy for the next couple of weeks). So we haven't been talking as much as usual this past week, though he did text message everyday he was out of town.

 

We last spoke on Thursday night, and he said he would call me on Friday when he got off work to "see what I was up to". I went out to dinner with some girlfriends and when I got home around 9 PM and saw he hadn't called, I called him. No answer. Left a voicemail. No call back. I'm 98% sure he was just at home, watching TV last night. No reason not to call me back or miss my call.

 

I'm completely confused & really sad. Since we started dating, we've never gone a day without speaking, at least via text message. What's up with him? What can make a guy go from really into a girl (seriously, when you read those "10 signs he's into you" silly articles in magazines, he hit nearly every point) to MIA seemingly in a week?

 

Any advice on what to do? Do you think he will call? What should I say when/if he calls?

[EasyHeart]

He's busy. Leave him alone.

 

Guys don't have a need for daily contact or conversations. It doesn't mean that we don't like you or miss you, it means we're busy and focused on getting done whatever needs to get done. After the work is over, we'll be back.

 

I used to travel a lot for work. The trips were brutal -- long plane rides and continuous 16 hour days while living in a hotel. I'd always come home exhausted, and I was shocked at how many times I would come back from a work trip completely wiped out and women would say things like "how was your little vacation?", "Now that you're back, you can make it up to me for going away," or "I've got the whole weekend planned so you can prove how much you missed me."

 

The guy's busy. Leave him alone. Keep calling and he'll start thinking you're a pest.

[Cinderella7]

He's busy. Leave him alone.

 

Guys don't have a need for daily contact or conversations. It doesn't mean that we don't like you or miss you, it means we're busy and focused on getting done whatever needs to get done. After the work is over, we'll be back.

 

I used to travel a lot for work. The trips were brutal -- long plane rides and continuous 16 hour days while living in a hotel. I'd always come home exhausted, and I was shocked at how many times I would come back from a work trip completely wiped out and women would say things like "how was your little vacation?", "Now that you're back, you can make it up to me for going away," or "I've got the whole weekend planned so you can prove how much you missed me."

 

The guy's busy. Leave him alone. Keep calling and he'll start thinking you're a pest.

 

I'm definitely not going to continue calling. The ball is in his court.

 

The issue isn't that we didn't talk yesterday, it's more that he said he would call & he didn't. The whole not following through thing, especially when he's followed through for the last 2 months, is what gets to me.

 

I definitely don't think I'm acting like the women you quoted above. I feel I've been pretty understanding over the last 10 days when he's been so busy. Didn't contact him at all while he was gone, waited for him to call when he got home (& he did), & sent a text to wish him good luck with the move. We were supposed to hang out Thursday night (something he initiated) but he had to postpone due to still having moving to do, and I was understanding about that. I definitely haven't been needy or clingy or angry with him. I'm just confused about his recent behavior.

[marsle85]

Men are like rubberbands. They need to stretch away - feel their freedom, but they'll come swinging back. Then, in a while- they'll stretch away again, see how far they can go - and come swinging back even harder. The longer you see him, the less this will happen. What is important is that you do NOT call him, give him his space. Let him stretch away. He is expecting you to freak out, don't. To be fair, he did give you a warning- he will be busy. Let him be busy. Let him miss you. When he calls, act cool and fun and bright. Tell him "Hey! So how did everything go..." it gives the illusion you didn't obsess, etc.

 

Believe me. This will work.

 

Just trust in it.

 

And find other fun things to do. Fill your life with others.

[start-fresh]

Men are like rubberbands. They need to stretch away - feel their freedom, but they'll come swinging back. Then, in a while- they'll stretch away again, see how far they can go - and come swinging back even harder. The longer you see him, the less this will happen. What is important is that you do NOT call him, give him his space. Let him stretch away. He is expecting you to freak out, don't. To be fair, he did give you a warning- he will be busy. Let him be busy. Let him miss you. When he calls, act cool and fun and bright. Tell him "Hey! So how did everything go..." it gives the illusion you didn't obsess, etc.

 

Believe me. This will work.

 

Just trust in it.

 

And find other fun things to do. Fill your life with others.

 

Great post. That's how I feel when first starting a relationship. If you smother him too much during that time, you won't be happy with the outcome.

[Cinderella7]

Men are like rubberbands. They need to stretch away - feel their freedom, but they'll come swinging back. Then, in a while- they'll stretch away again, see how far they can go - and come swinging back even harder. The longer you see him, the less this will happen. What is important is that you do NOT call him, give him his space. Let him stretch away. He is expecting you to freak out, don't. To be fair, he did give you a warning- he will be busy. Let him be busy. Let him miss you. When he calls, act cool and fun and bright. Tell him "Hey! So how did everything go..." it gives the illusion you didn't obsess, etc.

 

Believe me. This will work.

 

Just trust in it.

 

And find other fun things to do. Fill your life with others.

 

Great post.

 

I just got a text from him apologizing and explaining what happened last night, so I am feeling better. Haven't responded yet though.

 

But this was a good reminder that I still need to maintain my fun, fabulous single life that I was living before him. Just RSVPed for a charity function with some girlfriends next week.

 

I'm definitely going to give him some space after this incident, let him be busy, and see what happens. I was getting a little too invested too early and that never ends well.

[sagetalk]

And find other fun things to do. Fill your life with others.

 

When a guy you are dating is the center of your universe, you're destined to fail. In the beginning place family, and close friends above him. If he doesn't like it, he's a loser. A real man (one that treats women well) wants a women that knows her value. Obsessing over a guy two months into a relationship is in no way knowing your value.

[Cinderella7]

Thanks for the advice. Any more input? I haven't contacted him since I replied to his text today. It's really hard NOT to call, even though I know (or I think I know) that I'm doing what's best.

[Rittenhouse]

I'm definitely not going to continue calling. The ball is in his court.

 

The issue isn't that we didn't talk yesterday, it's more that he said he would call & he didn't. The whole not following through thing, especially when he's followed through for the last 2 months, is what gets to me.

 

Cinderella, I am a guy and I agree with you 100%. If this behavior bothers you (and it definitely would me too), I think you should let him know it. Don't overreact or throw a fit or anything, but find some gentle but firm way to tell him that you expect better and this is strike one.

[Cinderella7]

Cinderella, I am a guy and I agree with you 100%. If this behavior bothers you (and it definitely would me too), I think you should let him know it. Don't overreact or throw a fit or anything, but find some gentle but firm way to tell him that you expect better and this is strike one.

 

I'm thinking that when we finally do speak on the phone, I'm going to say something along the lines of, "I know things come up and you may not always be able to call exactly when you say you're going to, but I would appreciate a text message next time." Think that's okay?

[Cinderella7]

Men are like rubberbands. They need to stretch away - feel their freedom, but they'll come swinging back. Then, in a while- they'll stretch away again, see how far they can go - and come swinging back even harder. The longer you see him, the less this will happen. What is important is that you do NOT call him, give him his space. Let him stretch away. He is expecting you to freak out, don't. To be fair, he did give you a warning- he will be busy. Let him be busy. Let him miss you. When he calls, act cool and fun and bright. Tell him "Hey! So how did everything go..." it gives the illusion you didn't obsess, etc.

 

Can any guys provide insight into WHY you may do this? Particularly if you've initiated most things in the relationship and the girl you've been seeing hasn't been needy/clingy/tried to move too fast (he occasionally makes comments about how I'm the complete opposite of those things). I feel like we've both had plenty of space while getting to know each other. Why pull away then?

[Hannah86]

I'm going to be completely honest and it's not what you're going to want to hear. He's not into you anymore. It sounds like you had a great thing, but something happened. Maybe another girl. Maybe you did something that he didn't like, even something beyond your control that you would never think could bother a person. Whatever it is, he doesn't want to date you anymore.

 

It sucks.

 

I've dated busy guys, and they will still have their dream girl on their mind and will at least text or something. He has to sleep, he could check up before he goes to bed. He has to eat, he could check up on you while he's eating. He had time to call you, and he didn't. I'm sorry.

 

However, if you accept this and don't talk to him for a while, guys like this tend to come back around. If not, his loss. You obviously had a great thing and it's his fault for letting it come to a hault.

[Cinderella7]

I'm going to be completely honest and it's not what you're going to want to hear. He's not into you anymore. It sounds like you had a great thing, but something happened. Maybe another girl. Maybe you did something that he didn't like, even something beyond your control that you would never think could bother a person. Whatever it is, he doesn't want to date you anymore.

 

It sucks.

 

I've dated busy guys, and they will still have their dream girl on their mind and will at least text or something. He has to sleep, he could check up before he goes to bed. He has to eat, he could check up on you while he's eating. He had time to call you, and he didn't. I'm sorry.

 

However, if you accept this and don't talk to him for a while, guys like this tend to come back around. If not, his loss. You obviously had a great thing and it's his fault for letting it come to a hault.

 

I'm kind of hesitant to jump on the "he's just not that into you" bandwagon yet. He did send me a long text this morning with an apology & an explanation why he couldn't/didn't call last night. However, I haven't heard from him since, so he's not entirely out of the woods yet.

 

I am definitely going to give him his space and see what happens though. The ball is in his court, contact wise.

[Rittenhouse]

Men are like rubberbands. They need to stretch away - feel their freedom, but they'll come swinging back. Then, in a while- they'll stretch away again, see how far they can go - and come swinging back even harder. The longer you see him, the less this will happen. What is important is that you do NOT call him, give him his space. Let him stretch away. He is expecting you to freak out, don't. To be fair, he did give you a warning- he will be busy. Let him be busy. Let him miss you. When he calls, act cool and fun and bright. Tell him "Hey! So how did everything go..." it gives the illusion you didn't obsess, etc.

 

Believe me. This will work.

 

Just trust in it.

 

And find other fun things to do. Fill your life with others.

 

I don't agree with all of this. First of all, I've had more than one woman do the same thing to me, so it's evidently not a gender-specific thing.

 

Assuming that he is still into you, I would see his lack of communication as game playing, i.e. manipulative behavior or an attempt to be in control. Or maybe he is just unreliable in general and is starting to take you for granted. In any case, I don't think the best response is to start playing your own games and putting on an act. I think that, even if that works in the short term, it would be sowing the seeds for more problems in the relationship down the line.

 

The problem with acting "cool and fun and bright" is that it's not sustainable. Unless you plan to put on this mask every time you're upset about something, you're not going to be happy long term with this guy. Don't act despondent, but don't ignore the issue. Think of some playful way to threaten him. You can use humor to loosen him up and get your message across, but make sure he knows you're serious overall.

 

My suggestion: don't stand on ceremony about whose turn it is to call. Call him. But first plan out what you're going to say if you talk to his voice mail, or talk to him live. You can say something like, I accept your apology, but if this happens again, you're in serious danger of having your picture taken off of my cell-phone background. And yes, enjoy the other parts of your life!

[Cinderella7]

I don't agree with all of this. First of all, I've had more than one woman do the same thing to me, so it's evidently not a gender-specific thing.

 

Assuming that he is still into you, I would see his lack of communication as game playing, i.e. manipulative behavior or an attempt to be in control. Or maybe he is just unreliable in general and is starting to take you for granted. In any case, I don't think the best response is to start playing your own games and putting on an act. I think that, even if that works in the short term, it would be sowing the seeds for more problems in the relationship down the line.

 

The problem with acting "cool and fun and bright" is that it's not sustainable. Unless you plan to put on this mask every time you're upset about something, you're not going to be happy long term with this guy. Don't act despondent, but don't ignore the issue. Think of some playful way to threaten him. You can use humor to loosen him up and get your message across, but make sure he knows you're serious overall.

 

My suggestion: don't stand on ceremony about whose turn it is to call. Call him. But first plan out what you're going to say if you talk to his voice mail, or talk to him live. You can say something like, I accept your apology, but if this happens again, you're in serious danger of having your picture taken off of my cell-phone background. And yes, enjoy the other parts of your life!

 

I do agree with you on some points. I don't want him to think I was sitting by the phone obsessing & crying, which I'm not, but I do want to him to know this behavior bothers me & is something I'm not going to tolerate. Not sure if I'm going to be the one to pick the phone first though.

 

I do like the idea of bringing up the subject in a playful yet firm way.

[WalkInThePark]

I don't like the apology by text. He should have called you to restore the balance.

Don't contact him. Wait until he calls you. Decide on a deadline. If he has not called you within a week, let it go. In case he would call you after this week, do not accept that he remains vague. The next call should be one where he proposes to actually meet. If you meet, tell him clearly that you want consistency in your contacts and that you have no intention to be put on the "pending" file.

 

This inconsistent behaviour is very annoying, I know.

[marsle85]

This behavior is not absolutely limited to men- but in your instance I think her actions were based on interest or lack of. The truth is, men and women act differently when their interested. This is not promoting game play as much as protecting herself and encouraging the best conclusion to her scenario. We'll never know for sure, but theoretically (if he is interested) he's reaching a point in the relationship where it's all or nothing. Do they move on from here? To date? He's aware of the progress of their relationship and is affording himself some freedom.

 

Acting elusive and not calling him is not playing a game. She's biding her time. You're right when you say this isn't a short-term fix... this should represent her thoughts throughout the entire relationship. The fact is - she likes him, would like to spend time with him... but will not chase him. She has too much going on in her life, too many other prospects, if he doesn't have the inclination to return her phone call? Sure, it's too bad- but her life doesn't stop here. This is not game play. This is having standards for him and herself.

 

They aren't dating- he doesn't owe her anything. Not to see eachother, call eachother. At this point in the relationship - his advances are enjoyed and appreciated, but not demanded. A mature woman with plentiful options would not be upset by his behavior because she's indifferent. Sure, if they were dating she can state her expecations, but they're just seeing eachother.

 

He is not going to interpret her response as rude or uninterested - she called. He KNOWS she called. He knows she called and he left her call unanswered. He is expecting another call. But he will not get it - because when he's ready, the ball is in his court. This tells him "I am interested, you're great blah blah blah but I am a catch. I do not chase.

 

He will call her and appologize. She will graciously accept his call and share a few laughs. She's low stress, sweet and not reactive. This presents her as overwhelmingly more desirable, and approachable. If she behaves so maturely in the dating process, he will imagine how she will react in a potential relationship. Believe me, he will appreciate her for this.

[Cinderella7]

Marsle, I like the way you think. That's exactly what I'm trying to communicate by not calling again. And it's true - I do have a fulfilling, busy life outside of him & our relationship thus far. I have a great career, hobbies I enjoy, wonderful friends, and a supportive family. Time to refocus my energy on those things until he comes around, and I'm fairly certain he will.

 

I just got a "Happy Easter" text from him a little bit ago. I know it wasn't a mass text because it had my name in it too, so I'm feeling a bit better about the situation. I'm thinking that a phone call should be coming in the next few days?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm annoyed by the frequency with which helpful folk here jump immediately into threads to say "he's not that into you."

 

If he is indeed NOT into you, Cinderella, you will know it soon enough.

 

The beginning efforts of a relationship getting started are fraught with awkwardness, missteps, faulty communication, and other pitfalls. "Hot and cold" can be a big part of that.

 

Who knows what's going on with this guy.

 

I do think that it's highly appropriate for you to tell him that it's important to you that he calls when he says he will - but of course don't call HIM up to tell him that!

 

He might indeed be going away from the relationship; it is a sensitive time. The "exclusivity talk" has not happened yet and if it is time for that, it is really time to fish or cut bait. He may be getting some distance to assess the situation. He might be doing the "rubber band" thing; he might be kind of inconsiderate; I don't believe he is really "too busy" to call. Please don't just "act" like it's not a huge deal to you; make sure it is NOT. Again, though, when you do reconnect he should understand that not calling when he says he will isn't cool.

 

If you really like him, I sure do hope that he calls you soon and you two are on the path to a fulfilling relationship!

[Fouts]

You two are moving into the phase of either going your seperate ways or heading into an LTR. He's either still into you, but hesitant, proceeding cautiously and keeping a little bit of space to himself. Or he's losing interest and may slowly start to retreat from or end your relationship.

 

From a man's POV, it's usually a sign that we're growing a bit weary of it, but it's very possible that's not the case. Keep your eyes open and follow your gut instinct, I'm sure it'll serve you well. Good luck, I hope everything works out how you'd like

[Rittenhouse]

Marsle, points taken, and I don't think we're going to resolve this definitively here... I do think that if the guy wants to take a breather and have more space for a while, he should have just said that. And I agree with WalkInThePark that apologizing by text shows an unhealthy avoidance of a live talk.

 

Concerning Cinderella, I personally would admire a woman with the courage and communication skills to tackle an issue directly, whereas you seem to be counselling a retreat into a passive mode for her. In any case, I hope it works out well for both of them.

[Cinderella7]

Concerning Cinderella, I personally would admire a woman with the courage and communication skills to tackle an issue directly, whereas you seem to be counselling a retreat into a passive mode for her. In any case, I hope it works out well for both of them.

 

Rittenhouse, I think I'm going to combine both of your approaches. The issue isn't so much that he didn't call, and more that he didn't call when he had said he would. When he does call, I'm going to be my usual self (sweet, funny, smart, etc.), so it doesn't appear that I'm waiting/obsessing/needy. However, I am still going to call attention to what he did with a brief statement that lets him know that not following through is not acceptable to me. Just something along the lines of, "Hey, next time you're not able to follow through with something you said you'd do, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know in advance."

[Cinderella7]

So...he called. He left work early on Monday and we ended up spending time together on Monday night. Everything felt fine between us. I really think he was just busy and overwhelmed with everything going on in his life lately.

 

I got a nice text message from him on Tuesday and we spoke Tuesday night. We tried to make plans for later on this week but didn't finalize anything. He seemed very tired when we spoke.

 

I called him tonight about hanging out this week but he didn't answer and I haven't heard back yet. I can't help but start worrying and being a little anxious again (I'm awful about this, I know). His busy season at work ends next week so I am hoping that things improve after that. Being patient has never been something I've been good at.

 

He was so attentive the first 6 weeks we were dating. I know that pace wasn't exactly sustainable over the long-term and he has had so much happen in those last 2 weeks. But the change is a bit jarring and I find myself needing reassurance his feelings haven't changed.

 

On Monday night we talked about me possibly sleeping over, even though it wasn't something we planned on (we've had one prior sleepover). He decided it wasn't a good idea because he had to get up really early the next day and said, "There will be other nights for you to stay." Do you think that's a cop out statement or him trying to reassure me?

 

Any insight/advice/words of wisdom/comfort would be appreciated.

[Star Gazer]

Men are like rubberbands. They need to stretch away - feel their freedom, but they'll come swinging back. Then, in a while- they'll stretch away again, see how far they can go - and come swinging back even harder. The longer you see him, the less this will happen. What is important is that you do NOT call him, give him his space. Let him stretch away. He is expecting you to freak out, don't. To be fair, he did give you a warning- he will be busy. Let him be busy. Let him miss you. When he calls, act cool and fun and bright. Tell him "Hey! So how did everything go..." it gives the illusion you didn't obsess, etc.

 

Believe me. This will work.

 

Just trust in it.

 

And find other fun things to do. Fill your life with others.

 

Someone's been reading John Gray...

 

This MAY work, if he hasn't already met someone else...

[Cinderella7]

Someone's been reading John Gray...

 

This MAY work, if he hasn't already met someone else...

 

I posted an update above...don't think he's met someone else.