The perfect guy?

[Star Gazer]

Apparently, he has a specific day every month that is dedicated to her. He makes sure that she is completely appreciated on that day.

 

Only ONE day? That's odd to me. My BF makes sure I feel completely appreciated almost every day, and I do the same for him. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I'm appreciated only 3% of the time...

[troggleputty]

Where do I find these types of guys?

 

If by "these types of guys" Erica you mean, "Random, attractive men who go to bars, and who bring lonely barmaids gifts as a form of courtship, but who definitely shouldn't be considered as good material for a 'committed relationship'"--i.e. like the mysterious sailor in "Brandy You're a Fine Girl"--the answer is: everywhere.

 

 

[troggleputty]

Only ONE day? That's odd to me. My BF makes sure I feel completely appreciated almost every day, and I do the same for him. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I'm appreciated only 3% of the time...

 

Yes well maybe if your boyfriend treated you bad the other days of the month you would appreciate that one day so much more.

[EricaH329]

Technically, upon rereading the lyric, it was the locket that came from the North of Spain.

 

The lyric doesn't indicate whether the sailor also came from the North of Spain.

 

However Erica if you read the lyric maybe you will get the joke?

 

I did read the lyric, a couple of times. Still didn't get the joke.

 

Only ONE day? That's odd to me. My BF makes sure I feel completely appreciated almost every day, and I do the same for him. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I'm appreciated only 3% of the time...

 

No no, you must have missed a post I made. He appreciates her all the time. But there is one day, out of the rest, that he goes above and beyond the usual appreciation.

 

If by "these types of guys" Erica you mean, "Random, attractive men who go to bars, and who bring lonely barmaids gifts as a form of courtship, but who definitely shouldn't be considered as good material for a 'committed relationship'"--i.e. like the mysterious sailor in "Brandy You're a Fine Girl"--the answer is: everywhere.

 

I love how you automatically assume he isn't considered 'good material' for a committed relationship. I must ask, how do you know this man again?

 

Yes well maybe if your boyfriend treated you bad the other days of the month you would appreciate that one day so much more.

 

I'm going to take a wild guess here, and assume you are a man?

[troggleputty]

I did read the lyric, a couple of times. Still didn't get the joke.

 

 

Your friend is like Brandy. Or maybe it's you that's like Brandy, Erica. Pining after the mysterious stranger who comes to the bar, bearing gifts. But who is unavailable.

 

 

No no, you must have missed a post I made. He appreciates her all the time. But there is one day, out of the rest, that he goes above and beyond the usual appreciation.

 

It's interesting seeing a woman placing a guy on a pedestal, for a change.

 

Let's face it Erica: you really have no idea what goes on in their relationship, because most of the time you're not around for it. Unless their relationship is centered around the bar that you work at. Is this guy just some customer or something? What actually is so special about this guy? I mean specifically. OK we know he brought you flowers, and we know he has one special day a month for your friend, whatever that implies.

 

He is just another guy after all, romancing a bar maid. Or maybe two bar maids. Guys like that are a dime a dozen.

 

 

 

I love how you automatically assume he isn't considered 'good material' for a committed relationship. I must ask, how do you know this man again?

 

LOL, you are really emotionally invested in this guy, aren't you. What does it matter to you what I think about him. He's not your boyfriend. I'm making my judgment on him based on the information you've supplied. That information doesn't make him seem like "good relationship material." It makes him seem kind of weird: insecure, overly dramatic, too concerned about his "image" and trying to please his "audience," having something of a tin ear--seriously, doesn't is strike you as somewhat bizarre that this guy would brag about having "one special day" per month for his gf?

 

It seems to me the real issue is not anything about this guy, who's not your bf, but rather, the apparent fact that you're more or less infatuated with him for some reason. It's kind of amusing that you don't seem to realize that everything you're posting in this thread suggests you've become infatuated with this guy. No doubt you will vociferously deny, but you're the one who designated this guy the "perfect man" in your original post. It wasn't merely theoretical, you obviously LIKE your friend's bf. I can't really see why--maybe he's very attractive--but why try to deny it at this point?

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going to take a wild guess here, and assume you are a man?

 

Rather than be concerned about my gender, which is actually irrelevant, why not try to figure out why you are thinking about your friend's bf so much.

[EricaH329]

Your friend is like Brandy. Or maybe it's you that's like Brandy, Erica. Pining after the mysterious stranger who comes to the bar, bearing gifts. But who is unavailable.

 

It's interesting seeing a woman placing a guy on a pedestal, for a change.

 

Let's face it Erica: you really have no idea what goes on in their relationship, because most of the time you're not around for it. Unless their relationship is centered around the bar that you work at. Is this guy just some customer or something? What actually is so special about this guy? I mean specifically. OK we know he brought you flowers, and we know he has one special day a month for your friend, whatever that implies.

 

He is just another guy after all, romancing a bar maid. Or maybe two bar maids. Guys like that are a dime a dozen.

 

LOL, you are really emotionally invested in this guy, aren't you. What does it matter to you what I think about him. He's not your boyfriend. I'm making my judgment on him based on the information you've supplied. That information doesn't make him seem like "good relationship material." It makes him seem kind of weird: insecure, overly dramatic, too concerned about his "image" and trying to please his "audience," having something of a tin ear--seriously, doesn't is strike you as somewhat bizarre that this guy would brag about having "one special day" per month for his gf?

 

It seems to me the real issue is not anything about this guy, who's not your bf, but rather, the apparent fact that you're more or less infatuated with him for some reason. It's kind of amusing that you don't seem to realize that everything you're posting in this thread suggests you've become infatuated with this guy. No doubt you will vociferously deny, but you're the one who designated this guy the "perfect man" in your original post. It wasn't merely theoretical, you obviously LIKE your friend's bf. I can't really see why--maybe he's very attractive--but why try to deny it at this point?

 

Rather than be concerned about my gender, which is actually irrelevant, why not try to figure out why you are thinking about your friend's bf so much.

 

Yes, that's it. I am infatuated with this 18 year old guy. You are so perceptive!

 

I am arguing my point that because a guy does these things for his girlfriend, doesn't mean there's something wrong with him. It just so happens to be, that we are talking about a specific guy. If you read my past posts, you'll notice I refer to the type of guy i'm speaking of, rather than him.

 

I no longer feel the need to explain myself further. I think i've made my point very clear. I'm sorry you don't understand what i'm trying to say. We will have to agree to disagree.

[Jerry18]

I just started training a new girl at my job. She has been telling me about how great her fiance is.

 

Apparently, he has a specific day every month that is dedicated to her. He makes sure that she is completely appreciated on that day.

 

I was a little skeptical, considering most guys (well any that I know of) don't do that.

 

Today, he brought me flowers to show his appreciation for the fact that I have taken my time to train her.

 

Is he an alien? From another planet? Where do I find these types of guys?

 

I think those guys are very shallow. To even comprehend that you can realistically make someone feel better by giving her flowers once per month needs to be shallow enough to enjoy that yourself.

 

I honestly don't see why if nothing changed except my habit of giving out flowers, you would like me much more. How can you base such an important decision such as marriage on whether or not a guy gives you flowers. It's absurd.

 

It's like buying a car only because of its exterior paint coating rather than its engine, safety, fuel consumption, seat capacity, and more.

Edited April 9, 2010 by Jerry18

[aerogurl87]

Well I think nice guys like this are rare also. I'm one of those people who gives alot when I get into a relationship (emotionally, physically, financially) whenever I can. When my boyfriend and I first started talking I sent him a $80 gift for V-Day and we'd only been talking for like 2 weeks or so. Was it overboard? Maybe. A sign that I'm crazy? I don't think so. My boyfriend greatly appreciated it and when asked why I did it, I just told him I felt like it because I really liked him and wanted to show him how much so. I'm one of those girls that will make a video collage of my relationship to a love song and then send it to my boyfriend randomly when I just think of how happy I am with him. If I could find a guy like that I'd think he might be perfect, except my boyfriend doesn't do those things but the way he's there for me and tries to make me happy in his own ways is enough for me.

[EricaH329]

Well I think nice guys like this are rare also. I'm one of those people who gives alot when I get into a relationship (emotionally, physically, financially) whenever I can. When my boyfriend and I first started talking I sent him a $80 gift for V-Day and we'd only been talking for like 2 weeks or so. Was it overboard? Maybe. A sign that I'm crazy? I don't think so. My boyfriend greatly appreciated it and when asked why I did it, I just told him I felt like it because I really liked him and wanted to show him how much so. I'm one of those girls that will make a video collage of my relationship to a love song and then send it to my boyfriend randomly when I just think of how happy I am with him. If I could find a guy like that I'd think he might be perfect, except my boyfriend doesn't do those things but the way he's there for me and tries to make me happy in his own ways is enough for me.

 

Yeah, i'm the same way. It would be awesome to have a boyfriend like that in return, but they are rare (not that they don't show appreciation in their own way). I totally know what you mean.

[eric82]

Yes, that's it. I am infatuated with this 18 year old guy. You are so perceptive!

 

I am arguing my point that because a guy does these things for his girlfriend, doesn't mean there's something wrong with him.

 

Of course there's nothing inherently wrong with a guy doing nice stuff for his girlfriend, but I don't think that's why people are challenging your posts. I chimed in because I got the impression that you desire excess to think of a guy as perfect. Not that you won't be happy with less, but that your perfect guy is unrealistic.

 

In my opinion, true thoughtfulness and niceness lies not in grandeur but consistent subtlety with occasional big gestures. It's the little things that add up and matter. The more obviously nice things only make a positive impact when done occasionally. The key to thoughtfulness and feelings of fulfillment is moderation. Niceness loses potency in excess and always becomes, even unintentionally, taken for granted.

 

Nice is a spice, an enhancement at appropriate times, but too much, whether concentrated or over a long period of time, inevitably becomes sickening. Gorge yourself on candy or try to survive on a diet of just sugar, artificial sweeteners, and salt. You'll naturally feel ill and want to throw up, much like you would with a boyfriend being too nice all the time. My impression of your idea of the perfect guy, while in good taste and nice in concept, is unrealistic because it lacks sustenance. No genuine person is nice all the time and conflict between any two individuals is inevitable. What matters is how maturely (i.e. empathetically) they handle the situations as they arise. That's being nice.

 

I'm not trying to come down on you, just saying that I think there's more to it just people saying it's wrong for a boyfriend to be nice. Maybe if you dated girls, you'd realize the difference between what girls think they want and what they actually respond to.

 

How old are you?

Edited April 9, 2010 by eric82

[cooldudeinberlin]

ha ha ha ha.... the germans have a word for this apparent, slick, used car salesman tactics "schleimer" pronounced 'shleye-ma'

 

sorry OP, but falling for this BS hook, line and sinker... I would be very wary about trusting someone that over exudes and overcompensates in such a way... show me someone that "everyone seems to just love" and Ill show you someone with extremely weak character and personal issues.

 

Most women, behavior like that immediately sends red flags... sincere, strong, confident character needs no bribe to smooth their way in...

Edited April 9, 2010 by cooldudeinberlin

[EricaH329]

Of course there's nothing inherently wrong with a guy doing nice stuff for his girlfriend, but I don't think that's why people are challenging your posts. I chimed in because I got the impression that you desire excess to think of a guy as perfect. Not that you won't be happy with less, but that your perfect guy is unrealistic.

 

In my opinion, true thoughtfulness and niceness lies not in grandeur but consistent subtlety with occasional big gestures. It's the little things that add up and matter. The more obviously nice things only make a positive impact when done occasionally. The key to thoughtfulness and feelings of fulfillment is moderation. Niceness loses potency in excess and always becomes, even unintentionally, taken for granted.

 

Nice is a spice, an enhancement at appropriate times, but too much, whether concentrated or over a long period of time, inevitably becomes sickening. Gorge yourself on candy or try to survive on a diet of just sugar, artificial sweeteners, and salt. You'll naturally feel ill and want to throw up, much like you would with a boyfriend being too nice all the time. My impression of your idea of the perfect guy, while in good taste and nice in concept, is unrealistic because it lacks sustenance. No genuine person is nice all the time and conflict between any two individuals is inevitable. What matters is how maturely (i.e. empathetically) they handle the situations as they arise. That's being nice.

 

I'm not trying to come down on you, just saying that I think there's more to it just people saying it's wrong for a boyfriend to be nice. Maybe if you dated girls, you'd realize the difference between what girls think they want and what they actually respond to.

 

How old are you?

 

I understand what you are saying. I do. And I agree that being nice 24/7 isn't necessarily appropriate. But when it's necessary, i've found that it's hard for a guy (the ones i've dated) to realize it, and act on it. So the nice gestures that i've mentioned before are something i've always wanted a guy to do for me.

 

I also don't believe that if a guy is being treated poorly, or not being shown appreciation, he should not do these kind gestures for his partner. But, since I do not see that being a problem with me, that's something I would look for in a boyfriend.

 

Also, to answer your question, i'm 23.

 

ha ha ha ha.... the germans have a word for this apparent, slick, used car salesman tactics "schleimer" pronounced 'shleye-ma'

 

sorry OP, but falling for this BS hook, line and sinker... I would be very wary about trusting someone that over exudes and overcompensates in such a way... show me someone that "everyone seems to just love" and Ill show you someone with extremely weak character and personal issues.

 

Most women, behavior like that immediately sends red flags... sincere, strong, confident character needs no bribe to smooth their way in...

 

I know a few people who 'everyone seems to just love'. They are extremely kind-hearted people. Yes, they do have their insecurities and flaws, and I have seen them. One of my really good friends is actually like this. I love her to death because she is the kindest, most caring woman i've ever met. Her insecurities are those of self-esteem.

 

I also know a guy who fits that exact criteria, basically. He's soft spoken, very kind. Would do anything for anyone. The kind of guy that's impossible to hate (and very good-looking to boot ). His flaw is that he always gives people the benefit of the doubt (when being taken advantage of) entirely too often.

 

Knowing these flaws and insecurities, I still care very much for them. I appreciate their gestures, and kindness. I believe i'm pretty perceptive in that I can tell when someone is being fake, or doing it for the wrong reasons. Since I do not believe this is the case with these 2 people, I hold them close to my heart.

 

Everyone has faults. Everyone also has good qualities. The intention, to me personally, is what matters. Again, I do not know this guy. Therefore, I am not trying to make this thread about this particular guy. I am trying to direct my point of view towards the type of guy. Perhaps, I should have used the man I previously mentioned as an example, instead.

Edited April 9, 2010 by EricaH329

[Crazy Magnet]

Somewhere up there somebody said it's consistent small "nice" gestures that really indicate how great/perfect (though I think perfect is a crappy relationship term, it doesn't exist) someone is, and this I wholeheartedly agree with. It's all about thinking about your partner every day and doing nice things every day.

 

It's apparently a trait that is lacking in the majority of relationships, but it's something I have heard consistently from men that I date. It usually hits them 3 to 4 months into a relationship and it's always the same line "I've never had a girl be so....nice...to me before. You are so caring, I didn't think people like you even existed. I've never had a woman treat me this way before." Ultimately I think it's what people are looking for, someone who is conscientiously nice to them. My boyfriend recently joined the "I never knew a relationship could be this way" bandwagon. (It was only a matter of time! lol)

 

So yes, I would think there are guys out there that are just that nice. I still have my moments of crankiness, but everyone does, and I'm sure even really nice guys do too, but it's the consistency that's the key.

 

It might not work for men to be so caring, but I get drug into a ring store more than anyone else I know. Men know it's not getting any better than this! lol (Yes, that makes me sound full of myself. ha!)

[Phantom9309]

Hi everyone! I'm new to the forums and this is going to be my first post!

 

It seems that this post has moved in several directions but does make a few loops back to the original topic, so kudos to the OP.

 

One of the reoccuring themes that I see, is that giving flowers to someone who isn't currently your GF, equals doormat or at least potential doormat. Some have posted that this occurance is due to inexperience or they're just doomed to be the "nice guy"

 

Before I continue, I'd like to bring people's attention to Gary Chapman's 5 Love languages. This was brought up in one of my Communications classes. FYI, Comm is only my minor. Anyways, I've always thought that it's worth five minutes to check it out. There are free tests online to see which love languages you "speak" Basically, it's how you show your affection/appreciation for your others.

 

Coming back to the doormat thing, I've seen both guys and girls do this. I believe that it's because they're love languages are so different than their bf/gf. That doesn't mean things can't change if they both work at understanding the other's love language.

 

So, I think any guy who wants to gives flowers to a girl who isn't their gf, should consider:

 

1. Are you someone who doesn't understand their love language and has already led a life of door matting.

 

2. Are you someone who understands his love language and has a damn good reason to give the girl flowers.

 

3. If you answered Yes to #2, then is there a way to give her these flowers without making her think you want something in return.

 

4. Do roses make me look like a douche? The answer is YES

[EricaH329]

Hi everyone! I'm new to the forums and this is going to be my first post!

 

It seems that this post has moved in several directions but does make a few loops back to the original topic, so kudos to the OP.

 

One of the reoccuring themes that I see, is that giving flowers to someone who isn't currently your GF, equals doormat or at least potential doormat. Some have posted that this occurance is due to inexperience or they're just doomed to be the "nice guy"

 

Before I continue, I'd like to bring people's attention to Gary Chapman's 5 Love languages. This was brought up in one of my Communications classes. FYI, Comm is only my minor. Anyways, I've always thought that it's worth five minutes to check it out. There are free tests online to see which love languages you "speak" Basically, it's how you show your affection/appreciation for your others.

 

Coming back to the doormat thing, I've seen both guys and girls do this. I believe that it's because they're love languages are so different than their bf/gf. That doesn't mean things can't change if they both work at understanding the other's love language.

 

So, I think any guy who wants to gives flowers to a girl who isn't their gf, should consider:

 

1. Are you someone who doesn't understand their love language and has already led a life of door matting.

 

2. Are you someone who understands his love language and has a damn good reason to give the girl flowers.

 

3. If you answered Yes to #2, then is there a way to give her these flowers without making her think you want something in return.

 

4. Do roses make me look like a douche? The answer is YES

Hey, I like roses!!

 

I feel privaledged that I am your first post! Welcome to LS! Hopefully people here will make you feel welcome

 

You bring up some very good points, which (of course) will differ from person to person. I agree that these should be the things someone thinks about before giving flowers or any other nice gesture for that matter. Unfortunately, most people don't stop to think about that. They just do whatever they feel is right.

 

In this particular situation, I am not offended by it, I am intrigued. But I can see how someone else would take the gesture in a different manner.

[make me believe]

I completely agree with troggleputty that this guy sending you flowers was totally inappropriate! It seemed really weird to me but I couldn't quite put my finger on why until I read Troggle's posts. I agree with his reasons. It is condescending & he has no business getting involved with his girlfriend's work life, even if it is just a bar job. God, if my bf took it upon himself to send my coworker flowers as a thank you for training me, I would be mortified!! I would tell him it was completely inappropriate & weird. And having one scheduled day a month for "girlfriend appreciation day?" WTF? What exactly does he do on that day? And what is he doing (or not doing) the other days of the month that makes him need a specific day to appreciate her? Weird!

 

Although, I will say that the fact that he's 18 kinda puts things into perspective. This is probably his first serious relationship & he has his gf up on a BIIIIG pedastool & doesn't really know boundaries yet.

 

Oh yeah, and I also don't think that a guy in a relationship should be giving another woman flowers for ANY reason, unless it's a relative or a grieving friend or something like that. But to just randomly be throwing them around like that (even if they were just carnations) really cheapens the meaning behind it, IMO.

[blondie1981]

this guy doesnt sound perfect to me at all!! To have to book a day a month to make me feel special?? As if. I need to be felt that day everday, not for him to have me booked in to remind him that I am amazing. ?!?!?

 

But good for your friend if its thats what she wants and it makes her happy ..

 

I dont think there is such a thing as a perfect guy, everyone wants something different.

[EricaH329]

I completely agree with troggleputty that this guy sending you flowers was totally inappropriate! It seemed really weird to me but I couldn't quite put my finger on why until I read Troggle's posts. I agree with his reasons. It is condescending & he has no business getting involved with his girlfriend's work life, even if it is just a bar job. God, if my bf took it upon himself to send my coworker flowers as a thank you for training me, I would be mortified!! I would tell him it was completely inappropriate & weird. And having one scheduled day a month for "girlfriend appreciation day?" WTF? What exactly does he do on that day? And what is he doing (or not doing) the other days of the month that makes him need a specific day to appreciate her? Weird!

 

Although, I will say that the fact that he's 18 kinda puts things into perspective. This is probably his first serious relationship & he has his gf up on a BIIIIG pedastool & doesn't really know boundaries yet.

 

Oh yeah, and I also don't think that a guy in a relationship should be giving another woman flowers for ANY reason, unless it's a relative or a grieving friend or something like that. But to just randomly be throwing them around like that (even if they were just carnations) really cheapens the meaning behind it, IMO.

 

this guy doesnt sound perfect to me at all!! To have to book a day a month to make me feel special?? As if. I need to be felt that day everday, not for him to have me booked in to remind him that I am amazing. ?!?!?

 

But good for your friend if its thats what she wants and it makes her happy ..

 

I dont think there is such a thing as a perfect guy, everyone wants something different.

 

I appreciate both of your opinions! However, mine is different. I appreciate any kind gesture, as long as the intentions behind them are not malice. That's just me, though.

 

And as far as there not being a perfect guy out there, I think I might have covered this in a previous post already, but what I was referring to was the perfect guy for me. Don't get me wrong, perfect definitely comes with flaws. But haven't you heard someone say, 'They are a great person, but they just aren't for me.'? That great person could be perfect in another persons eyes.

 

I apologize if anyone misunderstood the point to this thread. I was referring to myself, and I wasn't trying to imply that him (the type of person specifically) was everyones ideal partner.

[Krytie TV]

Yeah, he'll learn. Wait until she starts expecting him to take a day every month for her. The first time he can't for whatever reason it'll turn into how he doesn't lover her anymore. She'll inevitably take the pleasure out of it by demanding that he does what he does naturally. It's a shame.

[Romance]

Jeesh he seems AMAZING

 

However, sometimes one can be too nice. I like a little argument every now and again. someone who will call me out, tell me i'm wrong, argue a little, ya know?

[Phantom9309]

Hey, I like roses!!

 

I feel privaledged that I am your first post! Welcome to LS! Hopefully people here will make you feel welcome

 

You bring up some very good points, which (of course) will differ from person to person. I agree that these should be the things someone thinks about before giving flowers or any other nice gesture for that matter. Unfortunately, most people don't stop to think about that. They just do whatever they feel is right.

 

In this particular situation, I am not offended by it, I am intrigued. But I can see how someone else would take the gesture in a different manner.

 

Hey Erica, so I'm interested in your opinion on my situation here. If you get the chance, please take a look! Thanks!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t229489/