nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Having never had a bf at 23. I feel like no guy wants to make the effort to actually form a relationship, they are fine to date initially or hang out but they never care enough to make it anything more? Do any guys these days actually want to date someone like me, who is sweet, loyal, intelligent, professional, non slutty girl who will actually make a good g/f or do you just want no-commitment sex with random girls wothout any emotional connection at all? Im seriously worried that i will never end up in a r/ship due to the crazyness of the dating world these days
skydiveaddict Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 dont worry, they're lots of good men out there
mrt336 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 It's your age bracket most likely. 18-24 y/o guys, college age guys. I'm sure you know how easy it is to hook up with sorority girl #1 one night and sorority girl #2 later in the week. There are guys that want real relationships, but not nearly as many who want easy sex.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Im not at uni anymore, ive graduated and have a professional job, most guys i date are in 25 to 32 age bracket, generally seem to be around 29 lately. Guys my own age dont even bother with taking you on one date and are way too immature for me
skydiveaddict Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Im not at uni anymore, ive graduated and have a professional job, most guys i date are in 25 to 32 age bracket, generally seem to be around 29 lately. Guys my own age dont even bother with taking you on one date and are way too immature for me Go older then, mid thirties guys are usually fairly mature
Disillusioned Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 If you think it's tough being 23 and serious about the kind of person you want, try being 42 and in that same position. All I can say is don't settle for second best... the fact that you know what you want is enough to scare off most of the guys who are game-players anyways.
Zik Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 the age bracket thing don't matter, what matters is mentality you can be a young college student but is extremely mature for your age and vice versa being a 30+ year old man but still acting like an immature person I guess we got a lot of hopeless romantics here on this forum (I included) For me I guess its just girls are shallow to be completely honest, either that or I just don't think I can do it. There are plenty of guys out there don't give up, you're still young
khria Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I agree.. stick with what you want, and what your principles are. That way, you'll ideally only attract the kind of guy who is serious about.. being serious. All the rest will eliminate themselves as possibilities. And yes, it's entirely possible. All the best.
MalachiX Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Jan, I don't know you and I'm honestly not trying to judge you but have you ever considered that perhaps you just might be giving off certain vibes, unintentional no doubt, that may be rubbing some guys the wrong way? I'm not trying to say anything is your fault but sometimes people who have never been in a relationship can make statments that give others the wrong impression. Do any guys these days actually want to date someone like me, who is sweet, loyal, intelligent, professional, non slutty girl who will actually make a good g/f or do you just want no-commitment sex with random girls wothout any emotional connection at all? This statment for instance make me wonder. Why bother to say, "non-slutty." I mean, do you typically refer to other woman as sluts? Or for that matter, do you ever give off the impression that any guy who is interested in sex is just after a one night stand "without any emotional connection at all?" I've seen guy friends who have little experience say stuff like, "Yeah, I'm a virgin, but I actually wanna date a girl for who she is not just bang her brains out because I'm horny." I know they're not trying to be mean and are really just talking out of insecurity. Nevertheless, it ends up giving the impression that they think anyone who has head a sexual relationship is just a horny bastard looking for a steady lay. Neither men nor women respond well to this. Once again, I don't presume to know what has happened in your dating experience but, if you are going out with guys and then they just stop, it really might have something to do with your views on relationships. Guys my own age dont even bother with taking you on one date and are way too immature for me What do you mean by immature? As a guy in my mid twenties (26), I think there are plenty of us who are mature. Maybe you just went to a school with nothing but frat guys. As far as "dating" goes, the sad fact is our generation just does things a bit different than others. We're just not used to going on formal dates and seem more comfortable with hooking up with friends at parties as a way to begin a relationship. I know I certainly have had issues dating because I think I'm basing my view on the protical of movies when, in fact, it just doesn't work like that with people our age. It sucks but I don't think it means our generation is immature or just looking for one-night stands. I think we just approach romance in a different way.
Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Define "non-slutty," 'cuz I've met a lot of girls who've taken being "non-slutty" to the extreme. It's one thing to not have sex with every guy you meet 3 hours after you meet them. It's completely another to not have sex with one guy after you've been dating for 3 months.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 by non slutty i meant not just in it for the sex solely. I am actually quite an affectionate person and it feels like just when im getting comfortable with the guy to actually sleep with him he disappears. Sometimes i wonder if they worry that ill get too attached cause im a virgin? I live in Australia so our uni is very different and we dont have all that college hooking up things over here. Dating is the same in or out of uni really. No offence taken Malachi, ive never referred to a girl as slutty or talk about other girls or things like that in real life. Im pretty easy going when im with a guy but i also do have some standards and expect more than just being treated like a fwb. Im actually really over being a virign but i think if i hook up with a random guy i'll end up regretting it, so its a tricky situation.
MalachiX Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 (edited) I am actually quite an affectionate person and it feels like just when im getting comfortable with the guy to actually sleep with him he disappears. Sometimes i wonder if they worry that ill get too attached cause im a virgin? Im actually really over being a virign but i think if i hook up with a random guy i'll end up regretting it, so its a tricky situation. It's kind of a double edged sword. On the one hand, it seems that it would be good to just lose your virginity and "get it out of the way" so that it's not an issue with future relationships. On the other hand, it also seems that having a one-night-stand will be treating your first sexual experience rather lightly. Maybe we should treat sex lightly and treat relationships more seriously. Damned if I know. I guess I got lucky for a shy guy. I got a summer job during college and had a summer fling with another virgin. Knowing we were on a time limit (went to schools in different states) kind of removed the pressure of debating if either of us would get too attached afterwards. We both agreed it would just be for summer and it seemed cool for us to basically grow up together a little. Of course, when we met next summer and we were both dating other people, there was still drama on her part. Her boyfriend had apparently forbade her from talking to me and I later found out she'd cry to friends about how hard it was to be working at the same place. Maybe I was just naive. If we really are in a modern society and men and women can be equally independent, maybe having a low-pressure relationship is the way to go. Find someone you like that you feel comfortable with. Let him know that you just want to see where things go and are not opposed to the idea of sex. It might be best not to volunteer that you're a virgin (there are a lot of girls who like to take the physical stuff slow) or, if you do feel the need to tell him, make sure he understands that you're not gonna go nuts after you've done the deed. Basically, don't give sex more power than it deserves. I guess what I'm suggesting is that you go into a relationship with the mindset that you're using it grow as a person. People use relationships for all sorts of things. For confidence. For support. For sex. There's nothing wrong with using one with the objective of simply learning about yourself and feeling more comfortable being with someone. Maybe you'll fall in love and it'll become serious. Maybe you won't but will have appreciated the experience. I remember hearing (I don't think where) from one girl that she just decided she was ready to lose her virginity. She picked a guy she knew, one who was a friend and who was a nice guy she trusted, and basically seduced him. She was younger than you are but she seemed to still regaurd it as a very special and liberating experience. I don't know if that's right for you but i think with all this talk of modern women knowing what they want, there's nothing wrong making a decision about your body and exploring it. Edited April 3, 2010 by MalachiX
Author nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 It's kind of a double edged sword. On the one hand, it seems that it would be good to just lose your virginity and "get it out of the way" so that it's not an issue with future relationships. On the other hand, it also seems that having a one-night-stand will be treating your first sexual experience rather lightly. Maybe we should treat sex lightly and treat relationships more seriously. Damned if I know. I guess I got lucky for a shy guy. I got a summer job during college and had a summer fling with another virgin. Knowing we were on a time limit (went to schools in different states) kind of removed the pressure of debating if either of us would get too attached afterwards. We both agreed it would just be for summer and it seemed cool for us to basically grow up together a little. Of course, when we met next summer and we were both dating other people, there was still drama on her part. Her boyfriend had apparently forbade her from talking to me and I later found out she'd cry to friends about how hard it was to be working at the same place. Maybe I was just naive. If we really are in a modern society and men and women can be equally independent, maybe having a low-pressure relationship is the way to go. Find someone you like that you feel comfortable with. Let him know that you just want to see where things go and are not opposed to the idea of sex. It might be best not to volunteer that you're a virgin (there are a lot of girls who like to take the physical stuff slow) or, if you do feel the need to tell him, make sure he understands that you're not gonna go nuts after you've done the deed. Basically, don't give sex more power than it deserves. I guess what I'm suggesting is that you go into a relationship with the mindset that you're using it grow as a person. People use relationships for all sorts of things. For confidence. For support. For sex. There's nothing wrong with using one with the objective of simply learning about yourself and feeling more comfortable being with someone. Maybe you'll fall in love and it'll become serious. Maybe you won't but will have appreciated the experience. I remember hearing (I don't think where) from one girl that she just decided she was ready to lose her virginity. She picked a guy she knew, one who was a friend and who was a nice guy she trusted, and basically seduced him. She was younger than you are but she seemed to still regaurd it as a very special and liberating experience. I don't know if that's right for you but i think with all this talk of modern women knowing what they want, there's nothing wrong making a decision about your body and exploring it. That was a great post, i might have to print it out and read it again hahaha. The only thing i worry about is warning the guy im a virgin so he is gentle and doesnt hurt me. I actually told this guy only when things were getting dangerously close to sex and i figured he better know why i was kinda pulling back.
MalachiX Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 That was a great post, i might have to print it out and read it again hahaha. The only thing i worry about is warning the guy im a virgin so he is gentle and doesnt hurt me. I actually told this guy only when things were getting dangerously close to sex and i figured he better know why i was kinda pulling back. Ahh yes, first time sex pain. I forgot about that. I was actually really freaked about the chance of a lot of blood but got lucky since apparently tampons had umm...loosed her up. Actually, now that I think about it, she might not have been a virgin at all . Doesn't really matter to me. While I think some get frighteningly femi-Nazi, I really respect how independent and pragmatic a lot of women on these boards can be about their emotions and their sexuality. I think if you don't put too much pressure on your first time and talk about it with a guy in a way that shows him your strong, independent, and pragmatic; he won't be frightened that you'll get too attached after. Yes some guys are scared because they don't want to deal with the commitment but I'm willing to be that some are actually nice guys who worry that they might screw you up emotionally. Showing a guy that you're tough and getting him to respect you as a mature woman who can make choices and deal with them is the best way to ditch this pressure. To put it another way: If I met a virgin who was unsure of herself about sex and relationships then I'd be very nervous to explore a relationship because I wouldn't want to end up damaging her. On the other hand, if I met a tough chick who knew what she was getting into and wanted to just see how things went, I would be fine with it. The worst that could happen is she dumps me soon after and I say, "she just used me for sex. That's AWESOME!!!"
A O Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Having never had a bf at 23. I feel like no guy wants to make the effort to actually form a relationship, they are fine to date initially or hang out but they never care enough to make it anything more? Well, backing off when things are just getting really interesting for a guy doesn't help your cause none. Why have you never had a b/f? Do any guys these days actually want to date someone like me, who is sweet, loyal, intelligent, professional, non slutty girl who will actually make a good g/f or do you just want no-commitment sex with random girls wothout any emotional connection at all? Are you interesting, are you funny, do you use your intelligence to connect with a guy or screen him - turn him away? Im seriously worried that i will never end up in a r/ship due to the crazyness of the dating world these days Perhaps you should give online dating a go. There at least, you can pace things more to your liking rather than expose yourself to the hurly burly world of downunder dating. .
Author nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Well, backing off when things are just getting really interesting for a guy doesn't help your cause none. Why have you never had a b/f? Are you interesting, are you funny, do you use your intelligence to connect with a guy or screen him - turn him away? Perhaps you should give online dating a go. There at least, you can pace things more to your liking rather than expose yourself to the hurly burly world of downunder dating. . I've never had a bf cause the guys never want to make me their gf....yes i am funny and interesting i have lots of friends and guys always like me when they meet me, just not enough to make me their gf. I already do online dating, ive found most guys disappear after a couple of dates. I keep at it though and hope someone might hang around a little longer.
A O Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 ^ ^ ^ Well, you're either picking the wrong type of guys, dating or trying to date well out of your league (cos there's no shortage of guys that'll be attracted to the qualities you mention) or there's simply something that's 'off' about you that needs to be worked out. .
Author nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 ^ ^ ^ Well, you're either picking the wrong type of guys, dating or trying to date well out of your league (cos there's no shortage of guys that'll be attracted to the qualities you mention) or there's simply something that's 'off' about you that needs to be worked out. . defintely not dating out of my league and have had very different partners every time. Most of them do admit that the thought of a r/ship terrifies them so maybe i am sub consciously choosing guys who are scared of commitment but who knows!
A O Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Most of them do admit that the thought of a r/ship terrifies them so maybe i am sub consciously choosing guys who are scared of commitment but who knows! Maybe too, sub consciously or even purposely. You're 23, you appear to be close to perfect bar for a penchant to withdraw from sex when things get hot n heavy coupled with a rather judgmental attitude that probably isn't too evident early on, and yet you've never had a b/f. Interesting. .
EricJames Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 All I can say is don't settle for second best... the fact that you know what you want is enough to scare off most of the guys who are game-players anyways. This is the exact opposite advice of what you should be following. I believe that most people can be molded into something that resembles the ideal partner but you have to start with a solid base.
ADF Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Many guys your age are products of the so-called hookup culture and regard dating and relationships as passe. There are exceptions, of course. But right now, you're at an age where many, if not most, guys are just after no-strings sex. The good news is that will change when you get a bit older. Yes, the guys who only want FWB (at best) will still be there. But you will also meet more men who want real relationships. In the meantime, you need to be very selective, very careful, and and very patient. Brighter days are ahead.
bananaboat11 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Having never had a bf at 23. I feel like no guy wants to make the effort to actually form a relationship, they are fine to date initially or hang out but they never care enough to make it anything more? Do any guys these days actually want to date someone like me, who is sweet, loyal, intelligent, professional, non slutty girl who will actually make a good g/f or do you just want no-commitment sex with random girls wothout any emotional connection at all? Im seriously worried that i will never end up in a r/ship due to the crazyness of the dating world these days Why can't I meet women like you? I'm 25.. single... an academic (phd candidate in a science related field studying type II diabetes) who has been with burned by women who THINK They are you... SAY that are you... but are the exact opposite of you... It's partially my fault for allowing them into my life... but.. ugh
Author nothappyjan Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Why can't I meet women like you? I'm 25.. single... an academic (phd candidate in a science related field studying type II diabetes) who has been with burned by women who THINK They are you... SAY that are you... but are the exact opposite of you... It's partially my fault for allowing them into my life... but.. ugh haha. I actually am so sick of guys I know going on and on about how they cant believe im single and whats wrong with the guys out there....and i stop and think...hang on you are all guys yet you dont want to be with me either so maybe every guy thinks how you do. That im a great girl....for someone else!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Nothappyjan, You have 68-ish posts as I write... What if you evolve to be at Loveshack for five years or more? Will you still want to be known here as Nothappyjan?? I hope the rest of your environment in life lets you represent yourself in a better light. I'm inclined to say that you shouldn't get discouraged. You have a lot going for you, and the only real concern is that you will have an adverse effect on your social evolution as the result of becoming further dismayed by the social world around you. It is going to be fine.
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