nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Been friends with a guy for a year. Im 23 hes five years older. I felt the friend vibe so he kept asking me out and trying to make our friendship more for nearly a year. I caved and went on a proper 'date' with him and then kept seeing him. We started 'dating' less and less and were mainly hanging out. Its now been 2 months, fooled around done oral etc hes very affectionate we sleep in the same bed when i stay. Im a virgin so he knew when we started that i want the security of being in a r/ship before sex and he said thats cool with him. Haven't met any friends or family and as far as i know im a secret. But he texts, rings me every day, texts me good night every night, during the day from work will text me, remembers every thing i say or do, notices the smallest change in me. Will say how goregeous i am and how attracted he is. I got a little annoyed fri night and just asked him if he has good intentions and could he see me as his g/f in the future, he said after a long pause...he could but then started saying all this other stuff like you have your own life and i have mine and i like things how they are, doesnt want to rush but he feels so comfortable with me which is why i might be doubting him. I never have brought up the "where are we going" convo before but i figure he's known me for a year and dated me for 2 months he should have a clue. Especially since hes stopped making any effort and treats me like im his gf when we go out, no dates anymore just hanging out at our homes etc. Is there any hope of him making this more? hes not even getting sex out of me? I have never actually had a guy get to "boyfriend" status they seem to run scared.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 any advice? i have cut contact to give him time to think....but not heard anything since thurs night?
zebracolors Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Haven't met any friends or family and as far as i know im a secret. Initially it seems you're doing the right thing by giving him the space to decide. However I do have to wonder. If he has not even told the parents or friends about you, that in itself would be a red flag to me. Don't you think if you mean as much as you want to mean to him, that you'd deserve to be more them just a secret? ..he could but then started saying all this other stuff like you have your own life and i have mine and i like things how they are, doesnt want to rush but he feels so comfortable with me which is why i might be doubting him. These seem like just excuses to string you along to the outsider observing. He could just still be unsure of how he really feels about you. But honestly, if he wanted more then just friendship, I think you'd be seeing more obvious signs. If he really wanted it too, don't you think he would be straightforward about it?
Mattock5656 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 any advice? i have cut contact to give him time to think....but not heard anything since thurs night? You have the right idea....Don't put any more effort into it, because its clear he doesn't want a relationship right now. All the stuff he is texting etc, is just merely words, but most important is his actions say other wise. The biggest question of all, is why do you have to be a secret to his friends and family? Is he hiding something from you? Did you actually have sex with this guy? All in all, his intentions are different from yours, and you should just drop him.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 definetly didnt have sex. I dont know why he hasnt told people, im not exactly someone you would be ashamed of, i look good and present myself well and am pretty normal...i think . He really did do everything for me for a year and was a very reliable friend and he chased me so much that i am now confused why he doesnt want more.
norajane Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 More, like what? What do you want him to be doing that he isn't? Most guys aren't ready to commit to anything after 2 months. You say he's very attentive. Is it just that he hasn't told anyone he's your bf and doesn't take you out on special dates? If that's the issue, address those two things with him directly instead of asking him to make some kind of prediction for future commitment.
MalachiX Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Could be a lot of things. Maybe you just aren't clicking. Maybe he just doesn't want things to get too serious. Maybe, after having to chase you for a year, he's not sure how strongly you really feel about him and doesn't know if it's worth making things official. Maybe he's scared of commitment. Maybe he's actually frightened of taking your virginity and then having get uber-attatched.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 I did address the meeting the friends things and treating me more like a gf issue. Thats when he told me i have my own life too, which i thought was a bit unfair considering i am always doing my own thing and never nag at him to see me and i encourage him to go out with his friends and have his own time. And about the date things, he just said i'm not exciting enough for you, you might leave me, which made me feel like maybe hes deliberately being crappy so i leave him ? Malachi- you read my mind- the virgin comment i just mentioned myself in the other thread- i worry that it scares guys away as well
A O Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 And about the date things, he just said i'm not exciting enough for you, you might leave me, which made me feel like maybe hes deliberately being crappy so i leave him? I think he's protecting his own arse moreso than deliberately being an arsehole to you. He knows deep down and its relatively easy for an outsider to see also, that he's more of a convenience for you than a real (long-term) boyfriend. After all, he's been in your life for a while now, been pretty sweet and all, tried to push for more!!! And yet all your reactions seem positively lukewarm in return. And he gets that, on a sub-conscious or even conscious level, he gets where he sits on your totem pole, and it ain't particularly high up that's for sure. Malachi- you read my mind- the virgin comment i just mentioned myself in the other thread- i worry that it scares guys away as wellOnly if you use it as a shield to hide behind which clearly you're doing in this instance. .
EricJames Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 He seems insecure but also happy with this arrangement and he's in no rush to get "hitched" in a relationship. You can't "make" a guy want a relationship, although you could probably seduce him.
A O Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 He seems insecure but also happy with this arrangement and he's in no rush to get "hitched" in a relationship. Yes, he is insecure as anyone would be whose only just got one foot out of the friendzone after many months of pushing for more. He's in no hurry to get 'hitched' because all n all, she's been lukewarm towards him in the romance stakes. You can't "make" a guy want a relationship, although you could probably seduce him.Seducing him would work in the short term. .
norajane Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I did address the meeting the friends things and treating me more like a gf issue. Thats when he told me i have my own life too, which i thought was a bit unfair considering i am always doing my own thing and never nag at him to see me and i encourage him to go out with his friends and have his own time. And about the date things, he just said i'm not exciting enough for you, you might leave me, which made me feel like maybe hes deliberately being crappy so i leave him ? I think he sounds insecure. And, I don't see where he's deliberately being crappy to you. You said: hes very affectionate he texts, rings me every day, texts me good night every night, during the day from work will text me, remembers every thing i say or do, notices the smallest change in me. Will say how goregeous i am and how attracted he is. Have you introduced him to your friends and family? How did that go? Did he like them? Did they like him? Maybe you can be content to make him a part of your life and friends, and give him some space and time until he's ready to bring you into his world a bit more. What have you been doing for him? In your first post, you mention all the things he does for you. Do you plan dates or suggest things you'd like to do with him? Have you done anything to make him feel special? Malachi- you read my mind- the virgin comment i just mentioned myself in the other thread- i worry that it scares guys away as well He told you that he was cool with your virginity thing. It doesn't seem to have scared him away.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 I think he sounds insecure. And, I don't see where he's deliberately being crappy to you. You said: Have you introduced him to your friends and family? How did that go? Did he like them? Did they like him? Maybe you can be content to make him a part of your life and friends, and give him some space and time until he's ready to bring you into his world a bit more. What have you been doing for him? In your first post, you mention all the things he does for you. Do you plan dates or suggest things you'd like to do with him? Have you done anything to make him feel special? He told you that he was cool with your virginity thing. It doesn't seem to have scared him away. Every fun date is basically planned by me, hed be fine to sit home on the couch but i choose things i know hed like, last week we went to the zoo cause he loves the zoo so i always try and do things. Ive cooked him dinner etc I dont make him pay anymore cause he doesnt have a lot of money so i offer to pay for myself. Its not like im using him. I realised that i feel more comfortable with him than i do friends i have had for years. But now he hasnt contacted me in 3 days since he told me i have my own life and he didnt have any time over the 4 day easter weekend to see me. So i gather its over, and i havent even been told which is pretty crappy!
Author nothappyjan Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 ALSO the virign thing i only told him the last time i saw him and we havent been out since. If every guy pushes me away once they find out dont they realise ill never stop being a scary scary virgin
MalachiX Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Don't sweat it. Keep trying and resist the urge to contact him again.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 UPDATE: hes just started texting me as though things are normal...
norajane Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Because for him, things are normal and nothing's changed. YOU made the leap and assumed this: But now he hasnt contacted me in 3 days since he told me i have my own life and he didnt have any time over the 4 day easter weekend to see me. So i gather its over, and i havent even been told which is pretty crappy! and this: ALSO the virign thing i only told him the last time i saw him and we havent been out since. If every guy pushes me away once they find out dont they realise ill never stop being a scary scary virgin just from him saying that he's too busy over Easter weekend to see you.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 well he has normally not gone more than 2 days in a yr without contacting me even as a friend. My problem is i asked him to not be on an online dating site i told him i can handle not being his gf right now, but i cant handle him constantly going online and now hes still checking it every day so he obviously doesnt care.I dont understand it
norajane Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 well he has normally not gone more than 2 days in a yr without contacting me even as a friend. My problem is i asked him to not be on an online dating site i told him i can handle not being his gf right now, but i cant handle him constantly going online and now hes still checking it every day so he obviously doesnt care.I dont understand it Ok, finally, we get to the heart of it. He's keeping his options open and actually seeing what other women are out there that he might want to date, and you want to be exclusive. THAT is a very clear disconnect, and you should try talking to him once more. Make sure you are very clear with him - "I don't want to go out with you anymore since you are still on a dating site and are checking it every day." Period. End of story. It's up to him at that point what he chooses. And it will be clear to you how he feels depending on what he chooses to do. Good luck. Things will work out for the best, either way.
SarahRose Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Honey, he just isn't interested. He is online looking for other girls to date. What do you think that means? When a guy is really into you, you will know it without a doubt. Start dating other guys and have fun.
A O Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I tend to see things differently based on this snippet from the opening post - "Been friends with a guy for a year. Im 23 hes five years older. I felt the friend vibe so he kept asking me out and trying to make our friendship more for nearly a year. I caved and went on a proper 'date' with him and then kept seeing him." To me, he wanted to make things more than they are very early on in the piece and for whatever reason the OP wasn't interested, and has only become interested late in the show and only because she's 'caved in' rather than because he won her over at that. I think that his behavior is a direct result of hers. .
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