tunka46 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 long story short......separated for year due to slowly withdrawing over the years due to miscommunication, etc............long term marriage, high school sweetheart........ I could go back as that is what she would prefer. Part of my motivation is I no longer felt in love with wife. I also have had thoughts at times that we were more friends then lovers. However, she is a very good person. Another part of my motivation is my "want" for a real connection, lover, etc. But it would be much easier to go back since life would not really be that hard but I would have to give up my thoughts of my "want". And before you say it, i know you can get on my case about commitment, that you can reconnect, go on dates, etc. All have valid points. BTW, we ahve had counseling, etc. What I was hoping for some input on, is what should i be feeling for a wife?? What questions should I ask myself? I only have this one relationship so I have no others to compare to. Just feels/felt like something is missing and if I go back , thats it, cant change my mind. I have been giving more thought about going back , it would be much easier then the hard road of divorce. Maybe it is the right thing to do. Not sure what is driving my thoughts now, guilt? fear? right thing to do? kids? I can flip flop from week to week. ohhh, and no, I am not having an affair or have any other woman in the wings. That is what is so scary too......I will admit to a brief affair five years ago.....I did fall for this gal as she closely matched what I like in a woman.
spriggig Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Part of my motivation is I no longer felt in love with wife. I also have had thoughts at times that we were more friends then lovers. However, she is a very good person. Based on what you wrote, going back to her would be the definition of "settling". You have no kids, that will make it much easier to move on. That is what you should do, IMO.
trippi1432 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 tunka - read up on mid-life crisis..it can happen at any age in the male anatomy.... my thoughts are that your marriage is at a cross-roads of what to do and what you have done in the past. In being fair to her, which you state she is a good person, re-evaluate what you really need and talk to her about it.
trippi1432 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Based on what you wrote, going back to her would be the definition of "settling". You have no kids, that will make it much easier to move on. That is what you should do, IMO. Spriggig.....slap, slap...grrr.
2sunny Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 he never specifically said he didn't have kids... from what i read - he alluded to having children.
spriggig Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 he never specifically said he didn't have kids... from what i read - he alluded to having children. You're right. I interpreted "...kids?" to mean "Do I want kids?" Certainly having kids would make a huge difference.
spriggig Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Spriggig.....slap, slap...grrr. Yeah. The way I CURRENTLY feel about my situation really colors how I respond. And, how I feel changes literally by the hour sometimes. Oy!
Gunny376 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Being so called "in love" is a temporary bio-chemical reaction in one's brain that closely resembles the same brain activity found in those with obsessive-compulsive disorder (via brain scans). There's been extensive scientific research to document this fact. (National Geographic, Time Magazine, books, "Brain Sex", "Men Don''t Have A Clue, And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" I say temporary in that the "in love" feeling only last for about a year and half to three years. Just enough time to conceive a child and for them to learn how to walk, talk, feed themselves etc. So "true and everlasting love" is for the most part a myth and fallacy for all but the rarest of couples. That is to say there are the rare couple that do achieve martial bliss for a lifetime. Just enough to make the rest of us believe that we to can achieve it. Indeed, approximately half of all first time marriages end in divorce. Of the remaining half? Thirty-seven percent stay together because of the status quo, finances, children, religion. Only thirteen percent of the remaining half say that they're happily married? Even then they are perpetually falling in and out of love. (There's a documentary that about the subject you can order from the PBS website) Marriage is a societal and cultural construct ~ that is to say its not natural. Thus the measure of a good marriage is the level of commitment each partner has for one another and to the marriage. There's a such a thing as being in love with someone you don't even like! Or being in love with someone who's absolutely the worse person in the world for you personally mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically? In the end? "Better the Devil you know, than the one you don't know!" It easy for one to find someone that they can love! Finding someone that loves you? That can put up with your @zz? Not so easily done!
trippi1432 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Yeah. The way I CURRENTLY feel about my situation really colors how I respond. And, how I feel changes literally by the hour sometimes. Oy! It's ok Spriggig......know what you mean....just good to get more details. No problem.
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