SO or Spouses of Asperger's Syndrome sufferers (anyone?)

[FarmGirl]

Hi,

I started a post about my complicated and painful relationship with my fiance and got some excellent advice.

Through that advice I've come to the conclusion that the brilliant engineer I live with suffers from Asperger's Syndrome. He fits the criteria to a T (or a G for Geek LOL).

The internet has so little to offer by way of information on NT (neurotypical) people living with AS (asperger's syndrome) partners successfully.

Most of what I have read is about wives hating their husbands for being so horrible.

80% of AS marriages end in divorce too...yikes.

If anyone has positive personal NT + AS stories I'd love to hear them. I've read hundreds of pages on the internet already...now I'm ready for some real people to tell me like it is.

Thank you in advance!

FG

[Mme. Chaucer]

I haven't been involved in a romantic relationship with a person with Asperger's but I would like to pipe in with this:

 

If you are being treated badly in your relationship and not getting ANY of your needs met, that relationship is NOT a good place for you. You have already spent 8 years with this. If your fiance does not want to work on himself to make things better, no amount of "understanding" from you is going to make this better for you.

[FarmGirl]

I haven't been involved in a romantic relationship with a person with Asperger's but I would like to pipe in with this:

 

If you are being treated badly in your relationship and not getting ANY of your needs met, that relationship is NOT a good place for you. You have already spent 8 years with this. If your fiance does not want to work on himself to make things better, no amount of "understanding" from you is going to make this better for you.

 

 

I know you're right.

[MadMission]

Hi FarmGirl,

 

Please check out a website called "Wrong Planet."

 

It was started by a man with Asperger's...but is open to anyone.

It has a forum for posting ~ asking/answering questions, commenting, sharing experiences, etc.

 

I think there may even be a thread for spouses and families of people with AS.

 

I would like to just give you a little insight into AS and my experience with it having an 18 yr old daughter with it.

 

I wonder if she will ever have a relationship. I know I am biased because she is my daughter, but I admire her so much. She is the most HONEST person I know. There is no need to mind read with her because she simply tells you how she feels or what's on her mind. She's not mean about it....just direct. When you understand this about her, there is no offense taken. It's just the way she is...how she expresses herself...and is not at all meant to be abrasive in any way. There is never any game playing or passive aggressive stuff with her. She is VERY fair-minded and can see the injustice so easily in things because she does not get distracted with stuff us NT folk get distracted by. She is a good person...has a good heart.

And, she is LOYAL. (She is a breath of fresh air compared to my unfaithful H.)

 

She may make social blunders at times and doesn't always interpret a person's words/actions correctly. But, she KNOWS this and takes it into consideration before getting offended or mad. She also understands that people misinterpret and misread her, as well.

 

As a result, she has grown confident in herself...in WHO she is...which is a woman of great character with many admirable traits. She likes herself...despite the lack of acceptance by her peers...and all the teasing, etc, she had endured her whole life.

 

I can tell you this...in terms of morals, a sense of right/wrong, character, integrity, depth, substance, etc...she totally tumps my H who had a long term affair with a co-worker. He can't hold a candle to her.

 

If there is a man out there for my daughter...he will be a very lucky man because he will have a good wife and a long M and never have to endure the pain of infidelity for the very simple reason that betrayal/infidelity is WRONG. It's that black and white to my daughter...THAT simple.

 

I don't know what the issues are with your fiance.

But, with some understanding, it may be possible to have an enduring, rewarding relationship with him.

 

I wish you all the best.

[WalkInThePark]

Hi,

I started a post about my complicated and painful relationship with my fiance and got some excellent advice.

 

I have read your other thread which showed me to what extent your relationship is complicated and painful.

I am not sure if Asperger's syndrome explains your partner's behaviour. I do for example not understand what now wanting to use a condom has to do with Asperger's syndrome. He can get a vasectomy for god's sake if he does not want children and does not want to wear a condom. I also don't see how Asperger's syndrome makes him refuse to share the costs for the daycare of your son.

 

Asperger's or not, it seems to me he is a jerk. I thought Asperger's syndrome meant that people had problems with empathy. For me that would mean that they have trouble sensing what the other person likes. But this man seems to know quite well what to do to hurt you.

 

On the basis of your other thread, I think this man is simply abusive. And yes, marriages with an abuse often end in divorce. Which I think is the best thing for the abused partner.

[Eve]

What 'Walkinthepark' said..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[FarmGirl]

I've really been questioning the Asperger's thing too. The longer I analyze it the less it seems to be Aspergers too.

 

He does not tell the truth about how he feels or what he thinks. He is manipulative and/or lies about most things.

 

I'm really struggling with seeing the forest for the trees if that makes any sense? What a tough time & I appreciate the advice and support. I really need a kick in the butt about this

 

I just got done reading this article dealing with abusive behavior:

http://bit.ly/bP9gbE

 

Parts of really hit home!

Stay tuned and thanks again.

[FarmGirl]

I'm frozen. Does that make sense?

[You Go Girl]

it's easy to become frozen. Fear is the first problem that causes that. Fear of actually breaking up and leaving him.

Secondly, absorbing what part of you can't believe is true. Part of you doesn't want to believe he is the devil in your life, part of you wants to believe he is the saint in your life, and that part of you doesn't like admitting that YOU made a mistake in choosing him.