michelleco Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Hi everyone, There were a number of you who were really helpful to me earlier this year so I thought I'd come back with another question. I've been exclusively dating a guy for six months now, who separated from his wife of fifteen years only a couple of months before he and I met. She left because she was involved with someone else, and he has forgiven her and they have a really friendly relationship and coparent their kids well together, from what I can tell. I've sometimes been taken aback by how kind he is to her, given their situation -- for instance, he lets her come to his place to stay with the kids for a few hours on weekdays after school, because she doesn't want to expose them to her new boyfriend just yet, and she is now living with that boyfriend. I find my boyfriend's 'whatever works best for the kids' attitude a good thing, but there are times when I wish he would force her to 'cut the cord' a bit more. He's been making strides in his divorce process, but much slower than I had anticipated. Today, he got a notice in the mail that if he doesn't have his paperwork filed by Tuesday, the case gets tossed out. This news upsets me as his girlfriend - although I entirely understand fifteen years of marriage takes precedence over 6 months of dating, I also feel that if he's truly ready to move on and move forward with me (as he continually suggests), he would've made his divorce more of a priority. All the books I read say that it's a red flag if the guy is stalling. To this, my boyfriend says it has nothing to do with his feelings toward me, or his feelings toward her, but just that he's being lazy and procrastinating a paperwork-heavy process. I've asked him if deep down, he doesn't want a divorce, and whether he would want to give things with his STBX another shot, and he says no...he doesn't want that. My question is an open one -- what advice do you have for someone in my position? Patiently wait it out, not taking it personally? Put some sort of 'time limit' on things (which seems wrong, but also at least gives me some of my power back)? I'm second-guessing his real feelings for me and his ability to back them up with action, and I guess I just need some advice. I'm not asking for a wedding ring, but I'd like to at least be able to say that I'm no longer dating a married man. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to write.
spriggig Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Today, he got a notice in the mail that if he doesn't have his paperwork filed by Tuesday, the case gets tossed out. Here's your time limit. If he really is just being lazy, kick him in the butt and tell him to file. What happens when Tuesday comes and goes and he doesn't file? Do you think he'll be more or less motivated to do the extra work to re-file after that happens? I can really only think of one reason why a man with a girlfriend he loves would be hesitating to file against his wife.
tnttim Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 My usual advice is to make a plan and stick to it. Plans involve time limits so putting a date on it is not a bad thing. It has to be your plan so input from here should be considered but never let it change your plan. When I came on here in Oct I made a plan and stuck to it despite much criticism and I am happy I did. I set a date of Feb 3rd, even set a reminder in my phone that the 3rd was the day I would intiate and carry out D with W if things stayed the same. I never let her know my plan or the secret date I had set in my mind. I agree with the feelings I know you are having that he is slow playing his divorce because he testing the waters with W. You understand why he's doing it too, because it's his family. Don't be his doormat, be firm and direct. His actions speak louder than his words. Do you need him to D W or do you want him to D W, big difference
Eurydice Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 For one of my family members in said situation, as the divorcing H with children, there were two factors that lead to the slowness on the divorce papers: 1. Financial matters, and he wasn't able to get together all the money for the filing fee and was too proud to ask. 2. An honest fear of submitting such things. It wasn't that he didn't love his girlfriend immensely. (They are married now, happily.) He knew the benefits. He just, as a person, was very reluctant to file that. Or his taxes, among other things. For some people putting in that kind of paperwork is rather akin to public speaking. Be encouraging, gentle, or humorous. Use the approach that works for you but set a deadline, and try not to nag, if you suspect there's an underlying factor that isn't related to his reluctance to divorce.
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