LisaUk Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Hi all, I just wanted to ask, after having seen quite a few LSers post about how they are able to percieve or rationalise the person their spouse was as being someone different to the person they are now, how do you "get this"? What I mean is, I don't seem to be able to create or see this distinction in my thought processes, I think it may well help, but I just don't seem able to do it. Any thoughts on this?
Fouts Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 People don't change, they live and evolve. An a-hole is still an a-hole, they may have just learned it's better to behave more appropriately in certain situations than they did in their youth. In relationships it's hidden behavior. After time people let their guard down and you see the real them, for better or worse.
Steadfast Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 It's because love is blind Lisa. When we're with someone, we often overlook character flaws or certain behaviors because we love them and rationalize. "It'll be OK" we think, or even "Let those without sin cast the first stone". That kind of rationalization. When it comes to a close, if often helps to remember these things when trying to figure out why the two of you didn't make it. Believe it or not, my ex once said she didn't respect me because of all the sh*t I took from her. I thought I was being understanding. She thought I was a doormat. There's no way I'd be involved with someone who either isn't willing, or is unable to communicate. Looking back, she told me she couldn't talk to me because she 'didn't know what to say'. The truth is, she was too much of a coward to say it. She kept me around until she found a replacement.
trippi1432 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 (edited) Hi all, I just wanted to ask, after having seen quite a few LSers post about how they are able to percieve or rationalise the person their spouse was as being someone different to the person they are now, how do you "get this"? What I mean is, I don't seem to be able to create or see this distinction in my thought processes, I think it may well help, but I just don't seem able to do it. Any thoughts on this? I'm sorry if this is ill-perceived, but....on the day that he said it was over....is that the person you knew for all those years? Did he not become someone you didn't know anymore? Did he do and say things that were uncharacteristic of him? Is he not doing that even now? Again, my apologies, I'm a little sensitive right now as April 8th will mark our four-year anniversary, and 16 years ago that I told him that I loved him for the first time. That used to be important, but now....he will be spending it with a woman that he's only known for 7 months and being the man he never could be for his family but is being for her and her children. To make it even worse....my soon to be ex sister-in-law will be getting married to the OW's 1st ex-husband at the end of April....is that the man I knew.....no, not even the slightest. Edited April 3, 2010 by trippi1432 Just needed to add
LonelyTiger Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I'm sorry if this is ill-perceived, but....on the day that he said it was over....is that the person you knew for all those years? Did he not become someone you didn't know anymore? Did he do and say things that were uncharacteristic of him? Is he not doing that even now? I agree trippi. I remember almost passing out with shock as I watched my husband telling me 'maybe the love has just died'. I remember thinking 'who the hell is he?'. Two days earlier he'd been telling me he loved me . Lisa, your ex is not the same person who spent 16 years with you. If he was, he would still be there. Would the man you knew and loved be choosing to stay out of your life, to live apart from you, to never contact you, to never ask how you are or if you're coping ok without him? Having said that, I suspect that people don't change a huge amount inside. The person our exes became when they left is probably the person they were all along - we just chose not to see them that way. It has been pointed out to me by some people who know us both, that my stbx was always as he is now - I just ignored that part of him because I loved him. Have a read back through some of your own threads Lisa. The ones where you were starting to get angry. You wrote a few posts that revealed a rather less rosy picture of your ex than the one you often seem to cling to when you're feeling sad. If you're really not ready to focus on the negatives about your life together, just remember, he walked out on you without warning. Would the man you thought you knew and loved have hurt you that way? Would he have deliberately caused you pain and then turned around, walked away and left you to suffer all alone?
soheartbroken Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Hi Lisa, I think you and I are in a tight spot because we CAN'T see the person they are now. We don't see their bad side - we're left with mostly good memories of our relationships (at least I am, and I've gathered this from your posts. I don't want to put words in your mouth though. I know you and your ex did have some negative contact after the split, but neither of us had heard from our exes in many, many months. We have no idea how they've chosen to move on). This is why, as you know, I disagree that total NC is the best thing for the dumpee to move on. It may suck at the time, but it's good to see someone's ugly side post-split. Unfortunately, we don't have this opportunity. So what do we do? I hope I haven't brought you down more with this post. I'm just telling it like I see things.
LonelyTiger Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Hi Lisa, I think you and I are in a tight spot because we CAN'T see the person they are now. We don't see their bad side - we're left with mostly good memories of our relationships (at least I am, and I've gathered this from your posts. I don't want to put words in your mouth though. I know you and your ex did have some negative contact after the split, but neither of us had heard from our exes in many, many months. We have no idea how they've chosen to move on). This is why, as you know, I disagree that total NC is the best thing for the dumpee to move on. It may suck at the time, but it's good to see someone's ugly side post-split. Unfortunately, we don't have this opportunity. So what do we do? I hope I haven't brought you down more with this post. I'm just telling it like I see things. Lisa and soheartbroken you are seeing the ugly side of your exes. The very fact that they have left you, a person they apparently loved for a number of years, and not bothered to contact you again shows a very ugly side to their character - I think! I don't agree with the NC brigade either (unless you're the dumpee and it's your decision). To spend a significant part of your life with someone and then leave without a backward glance is, in my opinion, a pretty heartless and selfish thing to do. Yes, it can be tough staying in contact and watching the love of your life move on with somebody else, but I'd rather that than feel they never cared enough to stay in touch. NC dumpers can try to convince themselves they're doing it for the dumpee but, come on, lets be realistic, it's for their own benefit, not yours. Selfish and heartless as I said. In the long run you'll be better off without them.
nobmagnet Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 YES INDEED:bunny::bunny: Very valid points. It is something that can be difficult to sort in your head but trying to remember the bad points, even if its the cold hearted dumping and harsh words out of the blue. Its still something. We all change and evolve and adapt to situations which indeed dictates we change. In a relationship its essential to bend and flex with another individual. He will have changed over the 16 years and so did you. Its what we do. The time it becomes unhealthy is when you lose sight of who you are and realise you have bent so far to accomodate them your head is touching your knees. They are swiftly kicking your arse because they see you are weak. Lowly lost all respect for me and i just tried harder and harder to get it back, the harder i tried the more annoyed he got. I couldnt see that at the time I was assuming I was a horrible waist of space because he told me I was. I think what i am saying in a round about way is that there are subtle things that you may have missed. By blaming yourself you are refusing to see they did anything wrong. It always takes two people to make or break a relationship. Take ownership for your own but not it all. My ownership is that I tried too hard and allowed him to break me. I became weak and lost me somewhere in the middle of motherhood and trying to be a good wife. All I can say is its refreshing to be me again. Did he change? yes, but so did i. We just didnt change together. Nobby xx
spriggig Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 This is why, as you know, I disagree that total NC is the best thing for the dumpee to move on. It may suck at the time, but it's good to see someone's ugly side post-split. Unfortunately, we don't have this opportunity. So what do we do? I think the NC position would be that "they DUMPED you, isn't that bad enough?" But, you're right, it's not always. My wife officially dumped me on Jan. 7, but I had to dig up all the dirty details of her affair to finally dump her back.
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