hi

[nobmagnet]

hello all,

 

i really shouldnt be here because i am the wife of a cheater.

 

However......can i ask a question?

 

How do you feel about the wife husband that you and they are deciving? Do you think at all? do you feel smug/embarrassed/guilt ect?

 

I am interested because i am lost.

 

If they have children do you feel anything for the chaos that will be created and if so how can you both justify it? Is it ever discussed?

 

every situation is different. i understand that. Its just something i just dont understand. I would like to have a greater understanding before i have to meet OW. I really dont want to hate her too much. My relationship with my ex wasnt good before her.

 

ta Nobby

[Ima Texan]

first, this is YOUR HUSBANDS FAULT, remember that..

 

now, usually, typically, most of the time the OW is told by your husband all kinds of lies about "the state of the marriage". Your husband painted a picture that "while he loves his wife, he is NOT in love with her". He paints that the marriage is all but over, and it is "just a matter of time". BUT, then there is ALWAYS something that gets in the way, a birthday, the holidays, kids are too young, kids are too old, blah blah blah blah blah...

 

I am not saying that the OW doesnt own anything, and that she is 100% innocent, I am just saying that the feelings that you are having are VERY common, blaming the OW more than your husband, and I am suggesting that you be careful with that...

 

good luck

[nobmagnet]

first, this is YOUR HUSBANDS FAULT, remember that..

 

now, usually, typically, most of the time the OW is told by your husband all kinds of lies about "the state of the marriage". Your husband painted a picture that "while he loves his wife, he is NOT in love with her". He paints that the marriage is all but over, and it is "just a matter of time". BUT, then there is ALWAYS something that gets in the way, a birthday, the holidays, kids are too young, kids are too old, blah blah blah blah blah...

 

I am not saying that the OW doesnt own anything, and that she is 100% innocent, I am just saying that the feelings that you are having are VERY common, blaming the OW more than your husband, and I am suggesting that you be careful with that...

 

thank you:)

 

i posted here because i dont fully blame her it takes two and trust me when i say i blame him more. Thats not to say that what she did wasnt wrong.

 

i beleive he did spin her a line and i freely admit the marriage was not working. its just I wish he had finished it before humiliating me. And back to the initial question........is there discussions to the pain and mess an affaire creates?

 

thanks Nobby xx

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Hun, your in the wrong forum..trust me, you don't want to hear what these women have to say..and coming here will just cause you pain..

[Ima Texan]

Hun, your in the wrong forum..trust me, you don't want to hear what these women have to say..and coming here will just cause you pain..

 

It doesnt have to be that way... I hope it doesnt get that way.. There is a new sherriff in town and I, for one, will help "keep the peace"

 

now, Nobby, sure they think, AFTER the thing blows up... just seems to be that way..

[BlueeyedJonesy]

TEXAN, Hey neighbor.

I'm just telling her from my experience...for sure if shes fresh from dday..It takes a while to get used to this forum..but now at times I find it very helpful.

[fooled once]

hello all,

 

i really shouldnt be here because i am the wife of a cheater.

 

However......can i ask a question?

 

How do you feel about the wife husband that you and they are deciving? Do you think at all? do you feel smug/embarrassed/guilt ect?

 

I am interested because i am lost.

 

If they have children do you feel anything for the chaos that will be created and if so how can you both justify it? Is it ever discussed?

 

every situation is different. i understand that. Its just something i just dont understand. I would like to have a greater understanding before i have to meet OW. I really dont want to hate her too much. My relationship with my ex wasnt good before her.

 

ta Nobby

 

Nobby - many OW here will tell you that they don't think of the Wife - they aren't in a relationship with her and the wife is the MM's problem, not theirs.

 

I am not one of those people.

 

I had an affair.

 

I did think of his wife -- but many of my thoughts were "if he doesn't love her, why does he stay". He told me so many times he was only staying to show her that their marriage was over or he was just staying to get her to understand there was no more love. When I met him, he was about to move into an apartment - which he did. He lived on his own for a year .... and then moved back into the marital home using the excuses above. After a year, and 2 Dday's, I finally decided *I* deserved better and he was just giving me excuses.

 

I did talk to her once - we compared stories. We both had our eyes opened, but their relationship had a lot more history than ours did (they didn't share children, but both had children from a previous marriage).

 

So I did think about her, but I was under the impression that there was no more love, there was no more marriage, there was nothing there.

 

I am sorry you are hurting because of what happened. I do believe it is both people's fault (the MM and his OW) because she, like me, knows the guy is married. She, like me, stays and lets him have it both ways - married and having a mistress.

[nobmagnet]

blue eye,

 

I am a big girl. But i appreiciate your kind and warning words. if i get flack.... i do. i also understand it too:)

 

I am not here to poke. or provoke just ask. I understand if people dont want to respond but i would like to learn from this too.just from the other side. I promice In my heart I will not be defencive to the point of rude. I just would like a small insite.

 

thanks very much

 

Nobby xxx

[OWoman]

How do you feel about the wife husband that you and they are deciving? Do you think at all? do you feel smug/embarrassed/guilt ect?

 

I am interested because i am lost.

 

If they have children do you feel anything for the chaos that will be created and if so how can you both justify it? Is it ever discussed?

 

Hi Nobby,

 

Speaking for myself... The BW was not an issue to me - the original plan (as in my previous As) was for a part-time, non-exclusive liaison involving unmitigated lust and nothing beyond that. The BW was a necessary qualifying condition (I would not have hit on him otherwise) but beyond that, she wasn't a factor either way.

 

But later on, we decided we wanted "more", and renegotiated the terms. We decided we wanted to be together full-time. Although he hadn't said anything about her, I found out from other sources (his family, friends, colleagues - they had worked for the same organisation before she was asked to leave) that she was not a very nice person, and that the M was abusive. I suggested counselling - for him and for the family - and he went to IC, and took the kids to family counselling. She refused to go. The counselling enabled him to stand up to her, to acknowledge his own needs and requirements, and finally to leave her. During that time she "acted up" quite a bit and I heard some horror stories from his family and friends - as well as from other people I knew from other sources who didn't know the connection between him and me. I received a pretty consistent and coherent picture of her - and when we moved in together, I saw up close how accurate that portrayal had been.

 

To the extent that I felt anything for / toward her, it was anger - I've counselled battered women and have zero tolerance for abuse. Her treatment of him and the kids made my blood boil.

 

We frequently discussed the kids - his and mine - and the best scenario for them. Family counselling also gave them the space to express what they wanted as an outcome (he'd told them of the A fairly early on - we were pretty open as a couple. The only one who did not know was her.) So, when he left, they went with him, and still spend most of their time with us, though we do encourage them to see her from time to time. (They're older teens, so no longer at risk in the same way from her abuse.) The kids were quite critical to his decision to leave - he wanted what would be best for them, and a "normal" home life with a loving couple (even if one was a step-parent rather than a biological parent) was a far better option than what they left behind.

 

It's worked out very well for all of us. The kids are happy and doing well (having been "at risk" kids previously). My H is happy and doing well - we're still passionately in love. His xW finally went for some counselling - I've no idea if she'll stick it out this time, but at least she's recognised that she needs some help.

 

As you say, all situations are different - and none of this may apply in your case.

[White Flower]

Hun, your in the wrong forum..trust me, you don't want to hear what these women have to say..and coming here will just cause you pain..

Not neccessarily! If she is asking for our perspective then we will honestly and respectfully give it. If she (or anyone) gets nasty then we will defend ourselves.

 

I could be wrong, but are you referring to not wanting to hear what we have to say as in the truth? Yeah, the truth does hurt.

[nobmagnet]

OW,

 

wow what a hidious story. and i apreciatete your honesty. im glad its worked out for you.

 

white,

 

honesty is what i would like to hear. I understand imay be shocked but i would never have asked if i didnt want to learn. so feel free.

 

May i say again.....the reason I ask is for a greater understandidng. I have never cheated but have been cheated on a few times. therefore its about blummin time is saw the other side rather than blindly judging.

 

thank you allxx

[White Flower]

can i ask a question?

 

1. How do you feel about the wife husband that you and they are deciving? Do you think at all? do you feel smug/embarrassed/guilt ect?

 

I am interested because i am lost.

 

2. If they have children do you feel anything for the chaos that will be created and if so how can you both justify it? Is it ever discussed?

 

3. My relationship with my ex wasnt good before her.

 

ta Nobby

Welcome Nobby.

 

1. I used to feel very badly about his W and in my early posts I always stated that should she find out I would bow out gracefully. I was in love, but not as deeply nor as invested in the R as I am now. Now I let him do the thinking about her. After all, he is the one who took vows with her and is cheating on her. I only feel discontent if we're out in public and we run into someone he knows that he hasn't introduced me to yet.

 

 

2. My MM's kids are adults and out of the house. If there is any chaos it will come from their mother who will most likely try to persuade them to take sides and give dad he**. Just in counseling yesterday, MM discussed this issue and how he believes it will go down. If W decides to 'keep them out of it' (which she is doing now as long as he stays home) then there will be no chaos other than spending the holidays at a different house or maybe two houses in one day like all the other normal blended families.

 

 

3. What a refreshing honesty you display! I'm very impressed with you and your ability to not only accept this but to admit it here. It is a rarity. If it becomes 'not good' with MM and I in the future I will gladly, yet painfully, accept it.

 

Now I will only bow out if he is no longer in love. I would never try to convince someone who doesn't love me to stay with me.

[White Flower]

white,

 

honesty is what i would like to hear. I understand imay be shocked but i would never have asked if i didnt want to learn. so feel free.

 

That is what we're all here for, to learn. Best to you and your enlightenment.

[nobmagnet]

white flower,

i appologise and should read your journey but have only just plucked up courage to read this thread/topic........you ware still waiting? and she knows? for how long?!

 

caught mine, he was in an affaire probably 4 years LD relationship with her and booted! i gave him a choice when i calmed down. He chose her. Thats fine as i am happy not to be in the way and resented for it for 4 years. but until I found out i had no clue (dim as I am) that his infidelity had been most of the cause of our failing relationship.

 

why do you wait?

 

Why would you invest in a man in two camps?

 

sorry to ask:)

 

nobby xx

[White Flower]

white flower,

i appologise and should read your journey but have only just plucked up courage to read this thread/topic........you ware still waiting? and she knows? for how long?!

 

caught mine, he was in an affaire probably 4 years LD relationship with her and booted! i gave him a choice when i calmed down. He chose her. Thats fine as i am happy not to be in the way and resented for it for 4 years. but until I found out i had no clue (dim as I am) that his infidelity had been most of the cause of our failing relationship.

 

why do you wait?

 

Why would you invest in a man in two camps?

 

sorry to ask:)

 

nobby xx

My goodness, I don't know what happened but I answered this post with a big reply and my guess is it didn't go through or it was deleted?

 

OK, I'll answer it again but first I wanted to address the bolded part. First you say you resented the A for 4 years, but in the same sentence you had no clue? I'm confused. And did he say the A lead to the breakdown of the M? Because in our experience here at LS we see all the time where MM are already unhappy in their Ms before they step out. Surely it complicates the breakdown of the M but isn't neccessarily the cause of it. It is usually the BS who want to believe all was rosy until their H/W was lured away by some evil OW/OM with intentions of deliberately breaking up a M. All untrue of course, at least in most cases.

 

I wish my OP was still here and not lost in cyber space. So I'll condense it this time. Why do I wait? Because he is in IC and he has asked me to wait. If he wasn't doing the work then I wouldn't let him string me along.

 

If he is a man in two camps then he is about to withdraw from one and enter the other. We have minimal contact now while he is in counseling. The main reason he sought counseling was to answer the question we OW constantly ask and that is, WHY DOES HE HESITATE ON D-DAY WHEN WE HAD A PLAN? He couldn't have answered the question himself a few months ago (D-day 2) but he can now. When the time comes, I look forward to starting a thread on it because the answer isn't usually given by an experienced 'defector' of the camps. Of course it will be me, not the defector in question, who will be posting the thread but it will be as accurate as I can make it based on our experience.

 

I want to add that I'm aware that he could hesitate again. It is VERY hard work to stand up for yourself, give up your comfort zone, and face all those you love who you feel will shame you by making that choice. It isn't easy leaving and I understand it takes time. I don't rush it because I want a healed man, not a half-healed man.

[Ella whispers]

I was never in love with the MM that I just stopped seeing. That makes it easier for me than most others here. He and I were good friends and I leaned on him through hard times in my life. He knew all of my weaknesses and used them to get what he wanted. I think that for him it was pretty easy. We spent time together and that friendship grew to a deep caring level but not love. I have been in love and I was never in love with him.

I never asked or wanted him to leave his W. He is a very charismatic and attractive man and I started to have fantasies. He told me that he felt the same way and the A began.

I only recently developed empathy for the W. I noticed that he started spending a lot of time w/ another woman at work it became obvious that I wasn't special, just there. He said he wasn't happy, I was his sanity, flattered me in every way only to make me feel the same as every other man in my life has.

There is a lot to be said for monogamy and the strength and love that it takes for a couple to stay together with only each other. I evny that. I want that.

My opinion boils down to this. The MM is not and does not truly love the OW. Not like he did the W when they decided to marry. Im sorry that your marriage didn't work out. I honestly believe that he will do the same thing to her. Some men and women alike are always turning their heads for the next best thing. Sometimes they can't get enough of whatever it is that they need and even if the OW fills that, there is no guarantee that a better one won't come along.

It's possible that after someone is married they meet someone that makes everyone else disappear. I believe that those relationships are very rare.

Nobody wins in these situations because at least one if not two people end up hurt to the core.

[JoyDevine]

How do you feel about the wife husband that you and they are deciving? Do you think at all? do you feel smug/embarrassed/guilt ect?

 

I am interested because i am lost.

 

If they have children do you feel anything for the chaos that will be

 

I recently was contacted by my first love and was given the opportunity to start an affair.

I thought about the wife and kids A LOT. One day I was on the phone with him and one of his kids accidentally picked up the phone. When I heard her voice his family became even more real to me.

 

During our initial time in contact we were so overcome and overwhelmed by everything that we did cross a few lines. I felt very guilty about it. I did NOT want to be a homewrecker.

There is nothing smug about my feelings toward his wife. There's not hatred or dislike either. Only guilt.

Things have cooled down now.

 

My situation might be a little different. I am not someone who targets married men. Evidently there are some women like that. My situation just kind of happened, I would never initiate a close friendship with a married man.

[StoptheDrama]

NobMagnet - welcome to LS. Love you moniker by the way... Despite what some people may think, all OW are not heartless, devious vixens out to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting BS. We are human, have emotions and make mistakes

 

That being said, in the beginning and throughout much of the A I was of the "what she doesn't know wont hurt her" mindset. I had no ill will toward her and certainly did not feel smug. Our relationship in my mind was independent. For better or worse, that's what it was.

 

During the last part of the A I began to feel sorry for her and their children - for what he was taking away from them and for my part in that. As I began to see the real person behind my xMM's facade, I aso began to feel very sorry for his wife as she may have no clue as to the manipulative, immature, selfish fraud to whom she is married. Then again, she may know exactly who he is and, if so, I have enormous pity for her.

 

Now months after I ended it, as he continues to demonstrate the depths of his relentless selfishness and manipulative behavior, I'm sorry for her that she is tied to him. I've met her and and no one should have to put up with that. Just an xOW's two cents...

[Fallen Angel]

hello all,

 

i really shouldnt be here because i am the wife of a cheater.

 

However......can i ask a question?

 

How do you feel about the wife husband that you and they are deciving? Do you think at all? do you feel smug/embarrassed/guilt ect?

 

I am interested because i am lost.

 

If they have children do you feel anything for the chaos that will be created and if so how can you both justify it? Is it ever discussed?

 

every situation is different. i understand that. Its just something i just dont understand. I would like to have a greater understanding before i have to meet OW. I really dont want to hate her too much. My relationship with my ex wasnt good before her.

 

ta Nobby

 

Hello Nobby and welcome...

 

When I started the relationship I am in with My Sweetheart (I refer to him as my sweetheart rather than MM as MM denotes that his marriage defines him and/or our relationship, and in my opinion it does not.) I was unaware that he was married. We were chat buddies online for years, simple back and forth chatter, nothing too serious, and he never mentioned his wife. Back then it was just friendly, no romantic overtones. We lost contact when he went over seas as he was in the military at the time, and while I missed his company, it was no big deal.

 

My Sweetheart came back into my life at one of the lowest points I had ever experienced, and the night he popped back up was a turning point for me. He became my best friend, and before I knew what had hit me I was falling in love. I did not know still that he was married, as he never spoke of his wife in all of our hours upon hours of conversation. By the time I found out, it was too late for my heart.

 

We have been in an EA for about 3 and a half years and a EA/PA for about two now.

 

Yes occasionally I think about his wife, but she has n bearing on my relationship with him. Our relationship is with each other, and his relationship with her does not spill over into ours. Their marriage was broken long before I was in the picture, so I do not feel responsible for the deterioration of their relationship. Prior to me, he was a serial cheater. He had had numerous NSAs before I ever came along, and I did not persue him, he persued me.

 

We had a D-day some time ago, and his wife is aware that our affair is ongoing. They have one child still in the home, and maintaining the "family" for his child is very important to him. I stay because i believe that they are both just waiting until the child is grown to end what they both know is a broken marriage. I love him, and he loves me. i do not doubt that for a moment. Thing is, I have learned to enjoy the journey and let the destination take care of itself.

 

If there comes a time when I no longer get more from the relationship than I feel I am giving to it, then I will end it. But right now, I am happy, I am loved, and I am content.

 

He never speaks poorly of his wife, if he did I might feel differently. They married young, and have grown in different directions. His direction led him to me. I am sorry that his family will be hurt when/if they divorce, however it is my view that divorce is inevitable regardless of my pressence in his life. If their marrieg was something that still held value to either of them, the relationship between he and I could not exist as it does, with him devoting the majority of his free time to me, and her ignoring the obvious.

 

I am sorry for you that your family is breaking up, but as someone who not so long ago was where you are (I spent 15 years as a betrayed wife) I think you will find that in the long run it is what is best for you. Since my divorce my children are happier, and I am happier. I can not speak to my exhubands happiness, as he is self-destructive and likely to never find happiness. *shrug*

 

I wish you well on your journey, and while the waters do not always flow smoothly, you are likely to find that they at least always flow forward; and forward is a great direction to be headed in.

[princess1234]

hello all,

 

i really shouldnt be here because i am the wife of a cheater.

 

However......can i ask a question?

 

How do you feel about the wife husband that you and they are deciving? Do you think at all? do you feel smug/embarrassed/guilt ect?

 

I am interested because i am lost.

 

If they have children do you feel anything for the chaos that will be created and if so how can you both justify it? Is it ever discussed?

 

every situation is different. i understand that. Its just something i just dont understand. I would like to have a greater understanding before i have to meet OW. I really dont want to hate her too much. My relationship with my ex wasnt good before her.

 

ta Nobby

 

 

I started my A before knowing the wife, but met her soon afterwards. After i met her (and she was quite nice) i felt terrible about what i was doing, and called things off between me and MM. this was our first split..

 

we got back together because we ran into each other and things began again. i still felt bad for her.. it would eat away at my conscience quite a bit! however, i knew that the two of them were so not right for each other! so knowing that their M was already on the rocks made me feel like i wasnt doing anything too bad ..he would also assure me of this constantly!

 

then, my feelings towards the W changed again. because i had fallen in love with MM so heavily and hated sharing him with somebody else i began to resent her. at this point i hated being the OW, and in a way, was jealous of W because she got to have him every day and night.

 

so, in my case i did think about W a lot! i felt quite bad.. then not so bad.. now i feel bad again because he has left her and she is upset that they couldnt work it out! i do agree that every situation is different, i just thought i would shed some light on mine so that you can see my frame of thinking.

 

Good luck meeting her.. if i was her i would be petrified of meeting you! as the OW, i always felt second to W, and looked up to her in a way. i would always think "if he loves me this much, imagine how much he would have loved her to marry her in the first place" if i were meeting the W, i would be embarassed and feel a little guilty! however, it really is the MM's place to feel those things more then anyone!!! ..Good luck

[nobmagnet]

Thank you all so very much.

 

Its been insightful and informative. So you are not all double headed dragons:laugh::laugh: Seriously i feel better informed meeting her now.

 

Imentioned 4 years and sounded muddled. He had EA's for 3 years and then the PA for at least a year. The relationship changed when he started the EA he became distant and annoyed at us all.

 

I only found out when i found the mail in september. he fessed up and it all fell into place. Obviously i was hurt and terrified but as one of you mentioned I am actually happier now he has gone.

 

My feeling towards her switch between how could she.......and now poor cow. He is a narsassist and is charming her as he charmed me. It wont last and she will get hurt or chuck him when she realises this is the case.

 

Really interesting and thanks all soooo much

 

Nobby:love:

[skylarblue]

hello all,

 

i really shouldnt be here because i am the wife of a cheater.

 

However......can i ask a question?

 

How do you feel about the wife husband that you and they are deciving? Do you think at all? do you feel smug/embarrassed/guilt ect?

 

I am interested because i am lost.

 

If they have children do you feel anything for the chaos that will be created and if so how can you both justify it? Is it ever discussed?

 

For years, I had no guilt for the W and got amp’d from deciving her. I thought it to be a total ego boost to get a “faithful” MM to go against his vows and see to what extent. I actually considered kids a bonus thinking more at risk to lose for him meant a bigger challenge for me. Other than as a motivating factor, I didn’t think about his W. I pretty much saw her as collateral damage and placed most of the blame on her for his infidelity.

 

Fast-forward to the past few months and I am ashamed and disgusted at my attitude and invasion into her M and my thinking in general. I feel guilty that I have brought this upon her. I’m not proud of it. I do have feelings for her H and she is no longer a source of motivation, but I don’t feel like I’m doing anything any less despicable to her. I could in no way look her in the eyes without feeling like the lowest of lows. At times I have mixed emotions where in one moment I feel sorry for her and the next I am angered by her. I’m not even 100% certain if it’s because I’m envious that she’s with him or the life she has with him (H, kids, picket fence, etc). For the most part, I’m trying to keep the Rs separate and not try to create a victim or villain and understand that his M to her is independent of his R with me.

[Hazyhead]

I denied my guilt towards the W for most of the affair. For the first few months I told myself it was just a bit of fun (I was in a R too), but it wasn't; the moment that I had to face that was when he told me his wife was heavily pregnant. I tried to pull away because, for the first time, I was starting to realize the potential ramifications of what we were doing. The guilt started to overwhelm me, for both his W and baby and my boyfriend, and I ended things with my BF, but I didn't tell him about the affair because xMM didn't want me to, saying it wasn't the right time with his W so close to giving birth. We didn't succeed in ending the affair though, in fact, the A became far more serious as we tried to plan for the future and for the disclosure of our affair. He told me that after watching what I had done he wanted that for himself because he wanted to be with me. What I should have done is told him that the A had to stop, but if he ever did end up single to call me. I have no idea how many times I told him that if there was a chance for his M then he needed to fix it for the sake of his child (which, in my mind, was his priority), but he told me that his M was over. Anyway, I hung on, and preceded to be a part of his yo-yoing back and forth as he wrestled with what to do.

 

I did think of his W, but I tried not to, I tried to minimise her. Now that it is over I feel shame for my part in hurting people but I'm learning from it; I would never allow myself to be in that situation again. Now, I feel for his W and she will never know how sorry I am and, now, I sincerely hope that he can re-build his family.

[nobmagnet]

wow heartache all round i guess and only one ultimate winner.........his ego.

 

May I ask and this question could be asked to anyone not just the OW/OM.

 

Can you ever seriously expect somebody capable of two timing/having an affaire to be faithful to you? I ask because i had RED FLAGS at the begginning of our relationship because he told me he constantly cheated on his ex wife (long before me) Now being the numpty i am I thought .....well he was young. He knows i wouldnt tollerate it. He wont. But he did. I feel i was dumb to expect him to respect me.

 

Do you beleive you can trust a person that has done it before?

 

Nobby:love:

[hopesndreams]

I would NEVER allow a man into my life that has cheated on a SO or had helped a woman cheat on hers. Those men oooooze ICK for me now. I would run a mile.

 

I learned the hard way, just like you nobby. My ex had cheated on his 1st W. He once had 2 women on the go without her knowledge. After hearing it, like you, I thought, nope, he could never do that to me. He had even told me he wouldn't. I believed it.