Should I really wait?

[cmichael16]

Okay, new member, Im 27, shes 21.

 

We were together for 2 and a half years, up till mid feb (week after Vday) she breaks up with me seemingly randomly (no real warning signs but after she explained it I can look back and see them). So at the time I was weak and pathetice. I have made a ton of changes in my life, getting out more, doing more fun things, even got my first tat.

 

So after about 4 weeks of little to no contact I sent her a letter, telling her I had accepted the break up, made changes, and am moving on. To which she starts texting me feverishly, this was last friday.

 

So we start talking about my changes, whats going on etc, was good to catch up, then she started asking more specific details about the changes, well they are all for me, but they wouldhave helped our relationship. So we talk all day and night friday, and saturday morning, saturday at about noon she tells me she is with someone. So I kindof take pause and say good to hear (I had been dating but nothing serious) but we continue talking. then I get a text message that says "I knew you would try something to get me back, and I just cant do it right now". I was blown away and confused. I had thought about trying but wasnt actively pursuing it.

 

So I am like, okay. then a few hours later, I hadnt texted her, she calls me and tells me how much she loves me and that love isnt everything and thats why we arent together, so again i dont know what to say. then she say it "I promise if or when Will and I break up you and I will fix this". I just take a big gulp and say okay, but I cant wait for you it would tear me up. she agrees. we hang up and I go on about my day. a few hours later the flurry of text begins again and we are talking casually about stuff.

 

Point of fact, the new man (Will) is an old friend of hers that I have always thought was in love with her.

 

so we text for the rest of the day until the evening (which I assume she was with her new man). then she picks right back up on sunday around noon and goes till 7 or 8 at night, then she asks to call me, so I just say sure. We end up on the phone for 3 hours, and a notible comment by her was "I dont know what im gonna do when I break up with him" I asked what she meant, her reply "oh it may be sooner than later" so I just glossed over it and ended the call, felt too awkward, and I do want her, but I dont want to influence that relationship.

 

So monday morning the texts begin again, back and fourth all day long, even into the evening. she asks me to meet her for lunch tuesday, so I agree, no harm, and she can see the changes (dropped a lot of weight for one).

 

so we meet for lunch, she says "too bad you have to go back to work" so I cal my boss and tell him ill be out the rest of the day. We end up hanging out the rest of the day, went to the park, etc. and when it started getting dark we went to her new apt. (we had been living together at my house) So we get there, shes been texting her man all day, so she tells me hes coming over around 10, so im cool with that and we continue to sit and talk. She reads a journal entry from that morning to me that the only notable excerpt is "Im thinking about breaking up with Will because I dont think he can give me what I desire".

 

So 9:30 comes and I grab my shoes and a bag of my stuff that somehow ended up at her apt. and start to leave when he gets there, we say hi casually and I leave. I accidentally left a book there so I texted her and asked her to take it to work wed and ide run by and get it.

 

So I go by on wed and we talk for 15 mins and then me being an idiot asks, do you really think youll break up with him? to which she responds "I dont know, maybe next week maybe never, but Im keeping my promise to you"

 

I am flabbergasted, and completely dont know what to say, so I make an excuse and head back to my office. we continue to text, thursday the texting goes very slowly, I started it this time, but maybe 50 messages the whole day (we could burn 2-300 easily normally) and after work I just told her ide talk to her tomorrow (today). she says Okay.

 

So here I sit, Noon on a friday, confused as to whether to wait or move on totally. I havent texted her today and she hasnt texted me. If she doesnt Im not going to this weekend. we are meeting tuesday after work to hang out again. But I have no idea what to do.

 

I dont know how to proceed, could someone offer me some advice on either move on or wait for a short period.

 

of note is that I do love her more than I ever loved anyone, including my ex wife.

 

thanks in advance

[USMCHokie]

Run...far away...and fast...

 

 

It boggles my mind why guys are all shocked and surprised when 21 year old girls act just like 21 year old girls who have no idea what they want...seriously, if she wanted to be with you, she would have broken up with the other guy like yesterday...don't ever wait around to be someone else's option...you're a starter, not the backup...

[spriggig]

Go NC, and now. First stipulation that you ever talk to her again is that you are convinced that she has left the other guy.

[cmichael16]

Go NC, and now. First stipulation that you ever talk to her again is that you are convinced that she has left the other guy.

 

So how do I break this coming tuesdays plans without standing her up, but with No Contact?

[MrsPeaSoup]

My god, what an awefull woman. How does she dare treat you or the new guy Will(?) like that?

"I'm keeping my promise, but I don't know when, maybe never"

 

This is definately NOT a good way to treat people. What is that woman thinking?? I almost feel ashamed for her for being a woman myself, lol.

 

YOU are being used as a back-up plan and she even had the nerves telling you that in your own face

He is being used almost as a snack.. come on.. I don't believe she actually loves him.

 

Take the advices already being given by Spriggig and USMCHokie and go.

Blow her off if you want to upcoming tuesday. Or just text her that you're not coming idk. Just don't go. Go NC, because you'll only hurt yourself.

[FreddieJones]

She is confused girl, you may can get her back but can you trust her as your life partner, think twice before bowing down to anything.

[cmichael16]

I think im gonna let the weekend sit, and if I dont get something telling me they are broken up then ill text her late monday saying tuesday is not gonna happen, I dont want to be a total jerk to her, even though she kinda needs it. In the end, when/if she decides she does want me, I want to be the man I am now and make it last.

 

So, is this the right thing for me to do? I am madly in love with her, but I don't want to wait forever. And I need to get on with the healing. I wont contact her, with maybe the exception of monday night.

 

So, Good plan/bad plan?

[cmichael16]

She is confused girl, you may can get her back but can you trust her as your life partner, think twice before bowing down to anything.

 

I wont really bow down, either it works or it doesnt, I am a rather different person than when she left. she can see that, which i think is what prompted her to say that out of some sort of desperation on her part. I do want her back, but I need to heal. and yes I believe that I could trust her again given time.

[boogieboy]

So how do I break this coming tuesdays plans without standing her up, but with No Contact?

 

You can stand her up, Ill bet she will find a lame reason to cancel with you anyway.

 

Dood, she cant miss you if you keep talking to her. You have to break all contact, and dont tell her about it. Just dont text her, dont answer her texts. She is 21 this is what she needs.If you feel you must, then tell her that you have to stop talking to her. You cannot let her keep you hanging on like this. get far far away from her so you can heal. You wont be able to get over her until you break the connection. She probably will never get back with you, she is telling you what you want to hear to keep you from mooving on, its a control thing. Dont let her do that to you.

[ADF]

Oh my gosh, what a horrible, horrible person this woman is! How can you even think of doing anything other than kicking her to the curb and finding someone more deserving of your affection?

 

I don't know either of you, but there are a couple of things I feel fairly sure of:

 

1) There is a LOT going on with this woman that she isn't telling you about. I don't know what the whole truth is, but it's clear you haven't heard it yet. One thing I would be willing to bet on: she was seeing her new BF before she ever broke up with you.

 

2) Unfortunately, your willingness to put up with her behavior has destroyed any respect she may have ever had for you. People don't get respect by being "nice." They get respect by being STRONG. You've let this woman walk all over you. Even if you do get back together, you'll be her b****, not her BF.

 

Move on already!

[spriggig]

I think im gonna let the weekend sit, and if I dont get something telling me they are broken up then ill text her late monday saying tuesday is not gonna happen, I dont want to be a total jerk to her, even though she kinda needs it. In the end, when/if she decides she does want me, I want to be the man I am now and make it last.

 

So, is this the right thing for me to do? I am madly in love with her, but I don't want to wait forever. And I need to get on with the healing. I wont contact her, with maybe the exception of monday night.

 

So, Good plan/bad plan?

 

The fact that you are "madly in love with her" is coloring your view of the relationship, no? That's why you're here, right? To get some unbiased opinions?

 

The survey says this woman is treating you like crap.

 

You're plan is garbage. Go NC now if you want any chance at reconciling this relationship.

 

I'm done.

[cmichael16]

The fact that you are "madly in love with her" is coloring your view of the relationship, no? That's why you're here, right? To get some unbiased opinions?

 

The survey says this woman is treating you like crap.

 

You're plan is garbage. Go NC now if you want any chance at reconciling this relationship.

 

I'm done.

 

fair enough.

[cmichael16]

So day 2 of NC from me, she did text me last night, said "Hope you had a good day, sorry I didnt text was at work late and been in trouble for texting there"

 

I didnt reply, obviously, which was hard, but Its about 1:30 and its been hard. I know I can make it through, but it is a very difficult time.

 

I understand what happened and where I failed, That wont happen again if she does want me back. I have this little hope monster that says she will break up with him, but then I dont know if she will or not. I dont know what I should feel.

 

Honestly I dont mind that a 21 year old girl left me, found solace in a friend and wants me back if her relationship ends. what gets to me is I dont know when itll happen or if. That is what is hurting me the most.

 

I am starting to move past it, ironicly as I was typing my phone rang, I was hoping it was her, lol, it was my dad inviting me to easter dinner. I have been on a few dates, even hooked up with one of them, but I cant get her out of my head.

 

Guess I am just coping with it. Basicly soon something will give and Ill find myself in a relationship or she will call me. I would almost say no if she did call me, but I think this past week she realized that she does want me back. she even mentioned to me that she doesnt think its right to leave someone for someone else. I agree with that and would never do that. I also confirmed with a mutual friend that they did indeed not get together until just a few weeks ago.

 

Is it a rebound relationship? Probably

Will it last long? I dont know and thats what gets to me.

 

But regardless, NC it is.

 

Thanks guys, I may start a coping thread, helps to vent.

[cmichael16]

unexpected twist on day 3 of NC, she texted me at noon saying she was breaking up with her new man as soon as possible (she owes him a little money) I just said okay.

 

Im wondering if this is her way of realizing her mistake or what.

 

Will update if anything develops.

[cmichael16]

okay day 4 of NC is no longer NC, its LC. But she broke up with her man, he actually called me asking if I was trying to get back with her, the answer as of now is no. but anyway, she asked me today if I would have dinner with her tomorrow because she misses me and wants to talk some stuff out. I agreed, so im going to have a quick diner and talk about a few things. I wont stay long as im going to make my intentions clear that this is it, its all or nothing and its not going to happen quickly.

[Perhaps]

Run...far away...and fast...

 

 

It boggles my mind why guys are all shocked and surprised when 21 year old girls act just like 21 year old girls who have no idea what they want...seriously, if she wanted to be with you, she would have broken up with the other guy like yesterday...don't ever wait around to be someone else's option...you're a starter, not the backup...

 

 

 

+1

 

I know this'll sound harsh but I just read the title of the thread and my answer was No.

[Reveur]

I disagree with most of the advice here, mainly because I'm in a similar situation and would kill to be in your shoes right now. I am cheering for you every step of the way.

 

You have what you want -- a second chance. You're exactly right to make your intentions clear and that if anything happens, it won't happen quickly. There is a lot of mess to be cleaned up though. You need to know that this guy is out of her life, that old problems from your past relationship won't resurface, that she is ready to work at making it work, etc.

 

I say just follow your heart and trust your instincts. It sounds like you've done pretty well at not making overly emotional decisions. In my own opinion, I would rather have failed because of something I decided to do myself, than always be wondering what may have happened if I had listened to my heart rather than anonymous message board people. Which is not to say there's not a lot of good advice here, it's just that at the end of the day, you know yourself better than anyone here.

 

And if you do get back together, I hope you do everything in your power to keep the relationship going.

 

I hope everything works out for you, one way or another. Good luck!

[cmichael16]

I disagree with most of the advice here, mainly because I'm in a similar situation and would kill to be in your shoes right now. I am cheering for you every step of the way.

 

You have what you want -- a second chance. You're exactly right to make your intentions clear and that if anything happens, it won't happen quickly. There is a lot of mess to be cleaned up though. You need to know that this guy is out of her life, that old problems from your past relationship won't resurface, that she is ready to work at making it work, etc.

 

I say just follow your heart and trust your instincts. It sounds like you've done pretty well at not making overly emotional decisions. In my own opinion, I would rather have failed because of something I decided to do myself, than always be wondering what may have happened if I had listened to my heart rather than anonymous message board people. Which is not to say there's not a lot of good advice here, it's just that at the end of the day, you know yourself better than anyone here.

 

And if you do get back together, I hope you do everything in your power to keep the relationship going.

 

I hope everything works out for you, one way or another. Good luck!

 

 

Well here is what has happened, We went out and talked, decided it was definitely too soon. However she wants to be in contact with me, I am okay with limited contact. We actually had lunch yesterday and it was cheery and upbeat. she still misses me (admitted it) and said "if it happens it happens, if it doesnt dont be too down" and I agreed. I am debating on asking her out for drinks tomorrow but am unsure if i should.