princess1234 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I was seeing my MM for about 1 and a half years.. it started as a fun fling and turned into something VERY serious. he said that he had fallen out of love with his wife and didnt want to be with her. he claimed to not have sex with her anymore, and he claimed to be in love with me more so then he had ever loved her. i threatened to leave him a few times because i hated the fact that he was married to somebody else, but could never follow through because I was so in love with him. I finally decided to leave him for good a few weeks ago - i was just over it. 4 days later, he leaves the wife FOR ME.. he says he wants to clean up his life and be in a totally committed and loving relationship with me for the rest of our lives. he's sorry that we couldnt be together earlier, and promises that he is going to be a totally loving and faithful boyfriend to me, and eventually my husband, and have my kids.. and so on and so forth. since then he has been at my place nearly every night and is being so cute and we are so in love and its been really nice but i keep thinking - can i ever trust him? i mean, is it possible for him to love me SO much that he wouldnt cheat on me...? can a relationship founded on lies and sneaking around ever be a legitimate and trusting relationship?.. his family will hate me (they are close to the wife).. ex wife will definitely hate me (she knows me ) so many of his friends and family will not approve and it would be YEARS before we could ever be open about our relationship, or get married ourselves..... i've been reading through this forum for a while, but never posted anything until now. I really need some help, and think that some people who have been in similar situations to me could shed some light on the situation as I am very very lost right now! I would love to hear some success stories (if any) from an OW who's MM have left the W for you...? or do you think ive got myself into something that is way too messy..
OWoman Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 but i keep thinking - can i ever trust him? i mean, is it possible for him to love me SO much that he wouldnt cheat on me...? can a relationship founded on lies and sneaking around ever be a legitimate and trusting relationship?.. It's certainly possible - I've seen enough of those (some at very close quarters) - but whether or not yours will be one of those remains to be seen. That you describe it as a "R founded on lies and sneaking around" suggests that you yourself are ambivalent towards it. And if you don't have faith that it can work, why should anyone else? his family will hate me (they are close to the wife).. ex wife will definitely hate me (she knows me ) so many of his friends and family will not approve and it would be YEARS before we could ever be open about our relationship, or get married ourselves..... If his family love him, they would want the best for him - whoever that happens to involve. If YOU regard your R (or its beginnings) as toxic, they're hardly likely to be impressed by it, either. My H's family were always very welcoming of me, and of our R, even while it was an A. They saw that my H was happy with me - and that was what mattered to them. Their loyalties lay with him, not with his xW. If you're going to go around wearing sackcloth and ashes, feeling awful about how your R started, people will take their cue from you and think, even princess thinks it was toxic, so it must REALLY be toxic... whereas, if you and your BF celebrate it and revel in it, that joy and happiness will be contagious and people will start to see why you want to be together.
Lizzie60 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I think it's possible.. he already cheated.. some men cheat only once or until they find someone they completely fall for. My first ex and I were in an A for 11 years prior to us moving together... we were 18 years together AFTER... during the first 11 years of our A.. he cheated on me several times.. I was naive and so much in love... but a lot of those As... I found out after we had moved together. I told him that if he ever cheated on me ONCE he'd be out the door.. I don,t think he ever cheated on me.. we were constantly together for everything.. until I wanted to leave.. and I left after 18 years. He was completely devastated.. I thought he would die.. he dropped 60 lbs in a year... couldn't work, he was too weak... it was painful for everyone.. including me.. so yes, I think it's possible..
Got it Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 What would worry me is the fact that he left for you. He should end the marriage based on the merits of the partnership with his wife. If not there is a better likelihood of him bouncing back and forth. Ending a marriage is not easy, even when amicable there are a lot of emotions, he needs to be resolve in the fact that he did the most he could with it and he is totally done. Also telling you that adds extra pressure to you. It is only becuase of you that he left. That is alot to place on your shoulders. 1
HURT LOVER Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 (edited) WOW that's good to hear. I've been in a 12 yr A on and Off with a MW. She's married 22 yrs now. We've been going back and forth wanting to be together for so long she so scared to leave. I do know she loves me very much. Worst thing is her H knows about us now. She pushed me away saying that she didn't want this anymore. But we still C . Now she tries not to say she loves me. I asked her just tell me you don't love me and you don't want me around. She saids she won't say that. I hope I can have her back in my life with just me. But I just don't know how that can happen she's fighting with leaving, staying what I can do. I'm going crazy not having her with me. Edited April 2, 2010 by HURT LOVER
Got it Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 (((hurt lover)))) I know it is hard but please read what you just posted. He knows about you, this would be her opportunity to leave, instead she is trying to stay in the marriage as well as talk to you. She is still trying to have both sides. I am sorry but she is where she wants to be.
HURT LOVER Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 (edited) (((hurt lover)))) I know it is hard but please read what you just posted. He knows about you, this would be her opportunity to leave, instead she is trying to stay in the marriage as well as talk to you. She is still trying to have both sides. I am sorry but she is where she wants to be. Yeah I know it's dead for me. I believed the pillow talk to long. I know I gotta let her go . My heart is holding on this sucks really bad. Everything with this woman was always great, sex crazy time we spent never a complaint. I love you so much I fell for. She spent so much time with me. Now the H knows he does not say much to her right now. Since Sept he's been staying away her from what I can see.Because she calls me we do talk a lot .She Does not like being in the same room with him now from what she said. I don't know what she is waiting for. She did say the marriage is dead now. Never the less sucker written all over my face right? Edited April 2, 2010 by HURT LOVER
her_halo_slipped Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I was seeing my MM for about 1 and a half years.. it started as a fun fling and turned into something VERY serious. he said that he had fallen out of love with his wife and didnt want to be with her. he claimed to not have sex with her anymore, and he claimed to be in love with me more so then he had ever loved her. i threatened to leave him a few times because i hated the fact that he was married to somebody else, but could never follow through because I was so in love with him. I finally decided to leave him for good a few weeks ago - i was just over it. 4 days later, he leaves the wife FOR ME.. he says he wants to clean up his life and be in a totally committed and loving relationship with me for the rest of our lives. he's sorry that we couldnt be together earlier, and promises that he is going to be a totally loving and faithful boyfriend to me, and eventually my husband, and have my kids.. and so on and so forth. since then he has been at my place nearly every night and is being so cute and we are so in love and its been really nice but i keep thinking - can i ever trust him? i mean, is it possible for him to love me SO much that he wouldnt cheat on me...? can a relationship founded on lies and sneaking around ever be a legitimate and trusting relationship?.. his family will hate me (they are close to the wife).. ex wife will definitely hate me (she knows me ) so many of his friends and family will not approve and it would be YEARS before we could ever be open about our relationship, or get married ourselves..... i've been reading through this forum for a while, but never posted anything until now. I really need some help, and think that some people who have been in similar situations to me could shed some light on the situation as I am very very lost right now! I would love to hear some success stories (if any) from an OW who's MM have left the W for you...? or do you think ive got myself into something that is way too messy.. Yes it will be messy. But what is done is done. Isn't that what you wanted? Him all to yourself? You should have realized the fallout was never going to be easy to navigate. But just as there are stormy seas there will always be a harbour to shelter in. Let the love you share be your harbour. Sail the seas and be happy doing so. Sometimes these relationships work and sometimes they don't:(. No one has the crystal ball to be able to tell you just exactly how yours will fare. Plenty of hard work goes into making any relationship work. Good luck.
bentnotbroken Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Sure it's possible. What I don't' understand is why you are so concerned with what others will think and feel. You didn't care for more than a year. You didn't care if you would be hated, you just loooooved the man. Well he is yours now, all the lying, cheating and disrespect that he showed to the woman at one point he said he loved. Now you are in that honored space. You are in the space of a whole lot of mess.
nobmagnet Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 hello all, i really shouldnt be here because i am the wife of a cheater. However......can i ask a question? How do you feel about the wife husband that you and they are deciving? Do you think at all? do you feel smug/embarrassed/guilt ect? I am interested because i am lost. If they have children do you feel anything for the chaos that will be created and if so how can you both justify it? Is it ever discussed? every situation is different. i understand that. Its just something i just dont understand. I would like to have a greater understanding before i have to meet OW. I really dont want to hate her too much. My relationship with my ex wasnt good before her. ta Nobby
nobmagnet Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 sorry jumped a thread. Thought i started one sorry nobby
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 it would be YEARS before we could ever be open about our relationship, or get married ourselves..... Why would it be years?
carhill Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Why would it be years? Remember how long it took for Garth Brooks to propose to and marry Trisha Yearwood? Perhaps OP's MM is a man of notoriety and/or power and there are other considerations. Perhaps he has asserted he will not re-marry until his children are grown, if he has children. Many explanations, some reasonable and others less so. Now what? Watch his actions showing consistent progress towards divorce, custody arrangements as applicable and financial settlements. Meanwhile, keep your options open. IMO, the current dynamic wrt you and MM will not last in its present form. Expect change. Set a timeline for yourself. This kind of stuff can go on for years, even for decades with some folks. I've lived some of it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 he leaves the wife FOR ME.. This would worry me. It would be far better if he were already going to leave her, and then left because he didn't want to be married anymore rather than leaving for you. Not that it is a bad thing, but you can bet if anything goes wrong you may get the "look what I gave up for you" lines. A lot of times when things go south in relationships like this the person who left will use that as a weapon against the person he/she left for. The worse the people around him make it for him, the deeper and more cutting his resentment will be toward you when things aren't working out. I'd definitely suggest giving it a 'cooling down' time for him to regroup after his divorce. The last thing you want is a man who jumps from a marriage straight into a relationship. It gives him no time to sort through his baggage and put it away - he'll just bring that baggage right on over with him. Will he cheat? Hard to say - depends on whether or not he has time to process why he is a cheater in the first place and work toward fixing whatever it is inside him that makes him that way. If he ignores it, and jumps on over to you thinking all will be fine and dandy those ignored issues might come bubbling up again over time. I sure as hell would not live with or marry him without addressing those issues head on. Cheaters don't change when the partner does - they change when they want to and make an effort to. Ignoring it and assuming it won't happen again is not 'making an effort'. I don't think he was standing at the altar when he was getting married thinking "one day I'm going to cheat on this woman" - just like he isn't thinking he will cheat on you now. Just sayin'... be careful and take it slow.
Author princess1234 Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 That you describe it as a "R founded on lies and sneaking around" suggests that you yourself are ambivalent towards it. And if you don't have faith that it can work, why should anyone else? most days i do have faith, because we are both so in love and what we have is really beautiful and special. other days its harder to feel good about it. you always hear about the story boy meets girl, they fall in love and blah blah blah.. but there are no fairytale's made up about men who leave their wives for the OW...? i guess i just get scared. partly my own insecurities im sure!! My H's family were always very welcoming of me, and of our R, even while it was an A. They saw that my H was happy with me - and that was what mattered to them. Their loyalties lay with him, not with his xW. you're story is truly inspiring!! unfortunately the difference with our stories is, when W does find out about me, she will want to kill me! (she is a little rough like that).. also, MM's family are basically closer to W then they are to him, so they are already all devistated and angry that he left her!! he has told me that we will have a lot of trouble ahead of us when we choose to be open about our R, there will be a lot of haters!! I think it's possible.. he already cheated.. some men cheat only once or until they find someone they completely fall for. that's what im hoping for! the way he looks at me and loves me.. im sure that he is genuine when he says he would never cheat on me. he claims to only have cheated on his wife because she cheated first and he couldnt forgive her.. however, you know men! they all seem to think with their crotch! that's what you hear anyway.. once a cheater always a cheater...? hmmm. I don,t think he ever cheated on me.. we were constantly together for everything.. until I wanted to leave.. and I left after 18 years. He was completely devastated.. I thought he would die.. he dropped 60 lbs in a year... couldn't work, he was too weak... it was painful for everyone.. including me.. Wow! you and OWoman have had some amazing experiences.. thank you so much for telling me your stories. I am 20, and nobody my age that i know has gone through anything like this before, so i am completely on my own in that sense. im so sorry Lizzie60 to hear that things didnt work out, however its amazing that he was still so in love with you when you were the OW and had been together for 18 years!!! thats amazing.. Ending a marriage is not easy, even when amicable there are a lot of emotions, he needs to be resolve in the fact that he did the most he could with it and he is totally done. Also telling you that adds extra pressure to you. It is only becuase of you that he left. That is alot to place on your shoulders. I agree. it is a lot of pressure.. when he came to me after he had left her he said that he understood if i didnt want to be with him now, or right away. he said that he understood he had put me through a lot, and didnt expect me to forgive him right away. but he was asking me to please be with him through this hard time.. he said that he was willing to make all these sacrifices (W, family, loss of mutual friends), but really needed me by his side. it was pretty intense.. i wish it could have happened another way, but i didnt feel like i had a choice! i wanted to be with him, and realistically, this is what i wanted, so how could i not be with him while he went through this...? he said to me that if i hadnt have come along, the marriage would have fallen apart anyway, just probably wouldnt have unravelled as quickly as it had. he had been putting off leaving her, and probably wouldnt have for a while.. but it was when i left him that prompted him to do it right away. (((her_halo_slipped))) thank you for your words.. you're right.. this is what i wanted, to have him all to myself. i guess i just honestly started believing that he was never going to leave her.. so it's now come as a huge shock and all my fears and insecurities and pouring out! thank you for your wisdom!! hehe! Why would it be years? It would be years before we could be open about our relationship (especially think about marriage etc.) because of 2 reasons 1. I know W, and she would be out to get me. she is the sort of woman thats very protective of her man and a bit rough. 2. his family are very close to W, and would hate me if they suspected i broke up the M. boo. This would worry me. It would be far better if he were already going to leave her, and then left because he didn't want to be married anymore rather than leaving for you. Hmmm.. he did say to me many times that he was unhappy with her when he met me, and things wouldn't have worked out whether or not i came into the picture. However, i know that the final act of actually leaving her happened the day it did because i had left him 4 days earlier. knowing how cowardly most men are, he probably would have sat around in an unhappy marriage for years before finally leaving her, or waiting for her to get fed up and leave him!! i dont know why people are like that.. if i wasnt happy with my spouse, especially if i was cheating on him/her - i would leave them!!! I'd definitely suggest giving it a 'cooling down' time for him to regroup after his divorce. The last thing you want is a man who jumps from a marriage straight into a relationship. It gives him no time to sort through his baggage and put it away - he'll just bring that baggage right on over with him. he claims to have had nothing going on in his marriage for so long. he doesnt seem fazed in the slightest that he has left her, he isnt sad, he doesnt have kids with her.. he claims to be completely out of love with her.. the only things that does faze him, is me, apparently. so it was hard to ask for some 'cooling down' time.. when he seems to think their R has been 'cooling down' for a couple of years now!! also, we have tried to spend time apart before. it is impossible we are both so into each other.. its almost impossible! maybe i am weak!! Will he cheat? Hard to say - depends on whether or not he has time to process why he is a cheater in the first place and work toward fixing whatever it is inside him that makes him that way. If he ignores it, and jumps on over to you thinking all will be fine and dandy those ignored issues might come bubbling up again over time. I sure as hell would not live with or marry him without addressing those issues head on. Cheaters don't change when the partner does - they change when they want to and make an effort to. Ignoring it and assuming it won't happen again is not 'making an effort'. I don't think he was standing at the altar when he was getting married thinking "one day I'm going to cheat on this woman" - just like he isn't thinking he will cheat on you now. Just sayin'... be careful and take it slow. these are all great points.. do you think i should suggest some individual and/or couple counselling for us...? i would love to address those issues head on, but dont really know how to do so. do you think getting a professional opinion is a good idea...or a bit unnecessary since we havn't really got relationship problems yet? P.s. thank you everyone for your thoughts.. it really means a lot to have you all give me such a great range of opinions. i am really really grateful
White Flower Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 i've been reading through this forum for a while, but never posted anything until now. I really need some help, and think that some people who have been in similar situations to me could shed some light on the situation as I am very very lost right now! I would love to hear some success stories (if any) from an OW who's MM have left the W for you...? or do you think ive got myself into something that is way too messy.. Princess, anything is possible if you want it enough. You just need to keep your eyes peeled wide open, expect good things to happen, and then put in the work that it takes to keep it good. There will always be good and bad stories. Take from them what you need.
moaningmyrtle Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Rather, that they agreed to M each other. Yes you are right.
2sunny Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 It would be years before we could be open about our relationship (especially think about marriage etc.) because of 2 reasons 1. I know W, and she would be out to get me. she is the sort of woman thats very protective of her man and a bit rough. 2. his family are very close to W, and would hate me if they suspected i broke up the M. it's hard to make anything work when it all starts with lies and deception. where does his W think he is now? or is that another lie? i wouldn't date him until his divorce is FINAL. he is most likely to go back to her... percentages say it's likely...
2sunny Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 i'm not usually so blunt - but i think you're being terribly foolish with your future by even seeing this MM.
2sunny Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 you are young, there is so much good in your future. keeping things simple makes it easier to be happy. this is not simple and rarely turns out happy. let him go until his divorce is final - that makes it easier to find out IF it can look happy. he has no business living with you... you know you are helping and adding to his lies. his W will find out and it will get ugly. the situation the way it is now - shows how stuck you are in the deception... remove all of it and start fresh again when he is an available man. you've waited 20 years - you can wait a little longer. if he is a man that really wants YOU - he will make it possible... until then - you really have no way to make it work. anything built on that much deception isn't reality.
Author princess1234 Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 hmmm.. you make a very good point.. but i dont know how to be without him until the divorce is final! that would be one year from now.. thats such a long time to spend apart! oh, and he's not living with me. he has a place he is staying, he just sleeps at my house every other night..
2sunny Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 it's very emotional watching someone you love go through a divorce, especially if you have a vested interest. he should leave for HIM, not for YOU. YOU need to take care of YOU. due to his evidence, he obviously isn't a man that takes care of the best interest of his wife. do not depend on him for this - you must do it yourself. to think otherwise is the foolish part. come on honey, be smart. you are too emotionally involved to think rationally for your best interest and your best decisions for your future.
Got it Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 princess - I highly recommend reading "Surviving my Boyfriend's Divorce" it is a great book to help you walk the next few steps and to always keep a healthy balance. I found it very helpful for me as I am with a man that is now separated. It is has been a roller coaster ride at times but it is a wonderful, fullfilling relationship. Please look at him, this relationship, lilke you would any other one. The biggest mistake is thinking/feeling there is MORE invested to keep one hanging on. You are young and just based on that may have found the right person for you or someone that will touch your life for a period of time. Your early 20's are a wonderful time in your life where you are really coming into your own and developing your identity. Just make sure to remain true to you and keep your best intentions in place. Don't compromise that for anyone for any reason. Just focus on Today. Not the Past and not the Present. I know I referenced in another thread another great book, "The Present" (by the auther of "Who Moved my Cheese" which is another good book as well.) Focus on your education, the beginning of your career path and know that the skies the limit. 2sunny - Why would anyone depend on someone else for that? That is a foolish endeavor regardless of the circumstances and/or the relationship.
OWoman Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 oh i see.. well obviously my situation is a little different to others.. being paid for sexual services is not something ive done before or im contemplating, no.. and i havnt had numerous liaisons with MM before. i am 20, and he is a few years older then me. obviously, he married quite young.. i sound silly saying that i guess, because im really young too! Not that different, then - I've never been paid for sexual services or contemplated that, either - despite the attempts at defamation you may have read in the post you quote.
OWoman Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 hmmm.. you make a very good point.. but i dont know how to be without him until the divorce is final! that would be one year from now.. thats such a long time to spend apart! oh, and he's not living with me. he has a place he is staying, he just sleeps at my house every other night.. Opinions vary on this point. On LS alone there are stories which have gone both ways - GEL and her MM moved in together immediately after he left his xW, and she has heartily recommended that as the way forward. Others advise waiting. Personally, I don't think there is a hard and fast rule, and I think your own unique circumstances are your best guide. My H left his xW and was on his own (with the kids) for about 6 months before I moved in with him. That wasn't a decision based on whether I thought it was best to wait or not - that was a result of how long it took me to tie up issues my side to be able to move in with him (he just had a W to leave!) In retrospect it was a good idea - he needed to have the space to himself, to be able to make his own decisions, set his own rules with the kids about things and to carve out his own identity as himself, rather than someone's husband, in his personal life. It also allowed him to get some emotional distance and to know why he was choosing to be with me, rather than just falling from one M into another. We lived together for 6 months before the D came through (that's how long it takes here). Yes, there were issues - his xW hated that we were together, and tried to be really nasty in the D settlement - but OTOH the support that our R gave during that time was important. As I've always said - he's your friend as well as your lover, right? You'd support a friend through a D, so why not him? Why treat him worse than you'd treat any other friend?
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