soma Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I’ll try to keep this short (isn’t that what we all say right before we write our novel? ) so there might be some gaps and nonsensical things but hopefully you can follow, mostly. So I met this guy online 3 months ago. I live 8 hours away and he knew this right from the start. Our personalities clicked and we had lots of great conversations and talked every day one way or another for the next month and a half. He was really thoughtful, caring, attentive and sweet and all-around totally somebody I would like to be with. Finally 6 weeks later he came up to visit me. It was kind of awkward at first, sort of like hanging out with a stranger since I only knew him through phone and texts and IM. It got better as the weekend went on, though we didn’t actually speak a whole lot, and I didn’t feel the need to. We fooled around a bit and when he left the understanding was that we were together exclusively and he would visit again in a month or so. Butttt, things changed when he left. The next day or two was fine…less talking than usual but when we did, which kinda concerned me because if anything, we should’ve been talking even more (if that’s even possible!) but it was good when we did talk. We hardly spoke after that and he texted like 98% less than he used to. When I asked him about the silence, he said that talking will only get us so far and he’d rather see me in person than talk/text/IM so much. Alright, okay, he said he wanted to talk but not as much as I wanted to and we could talk 2-3 times a week since it was ‘too hard‘ to talk more and not be able to see me. So alright, I thought maybe that’s legitimate, but a week goes by and he didn’t even really try. We talked about it again and he said maybe he doesn’t want to do this after all and even said he’s been busy and hasn’t had much time to think about me. He went on to say that that there were already massive missing connections when he sees me since we had all these conversations but they weren’t in person. For whatever reason he didn’t take the out I offered and said he would try to talk more. I figured I would let him contact me so I didn’t initiate contact, and 3 days goes by with nothing. Finally I ended up texting him and told him this wasn’t going to work, to which he agreed since he hadn’t really thought of me. He said that he didn’t feel "as much of a connection as [he] wanted to" and asked if I did. I said no but there was enough that I was willing to find out and let it progress, since I’m in the city where he lives all summer long. And he replies that he hasn’t thought of me in two days and what does that mean? so then it was over and I was pissed and left it pretty final and it was NC after that. But then 5 or 6 days later he asked if the plan was to never talk again and that it would be nice to talk every now and then. I said I don’t know and maybe its not such a good idea. I figured that was a bit ambiguous and wasn’t doing either of us any good so a few days later I messaged him expressing that it would kinda suck to continue to talk to him and be in the "friend zone" when we had never been there but I asked how often he would want to talk, cuz if its not too often then I can handle that in time. That’s one of the worst part of break-ups…the thought of never seeing/speaking to that person again. So maybe talking every now and then might ease that part, I don’t know.. Anyways, he said I was making it too complicated when it shouldn’t be and maybe it IS best not to talk. I fake-agreed and wished him luck. What I don’t get is how his feelings could change so quickly. One day he’s here with his tongue halfway down my throat, and the next I’m barely on his mind. I don’t think he only came to see me to have sex..we talked about that a lot before he came and he knows I’m a virgin and that I wouldn’t sleep with him. I do believe he was honestly looking for a fulfilling relationship. I understand that personal bonds are created in person but how could he forget how strongly we connected? I really do think that in time as we got more comfortable with each other, we could have had a great relationship. I was caught so off-guard…if anything, judging by how I knew him, I thought he would be a little clingy and try to talk more than I wanted! I don’t even recognize the things he said as coming from him. Now I’m just confused and upset and sad. Its been 3 or 4 weeks now and I still think about him all the time and I miss having that connection with someone--a guy that I like who likes me back, that I can complain to about my bad day...or knowing when I wake up I will have a nice message to read, or when I’ve had a hard time at the hospital the day goes by so much faster knowing I get to come home and talk to him. I haven’t truly liked anyone for SUCH a long time and that just makes it that much harder to let go. I was blown away by this guy who wasn’t perfect, but perfect for me (before things went south, of course). Its been a few weeks, you’d think I would be feeling better given that this was such a short stint (although that doesn’t necessarily negate its intensity or value..) Do you think maybe in a couple months we can try the friends thing and touch base once in a while or if that’s even a good idea? At least that would ease the pain of the thought of never speaking to him ever again. But if I’m honest with myself, and you the reader, I would be hoping that we could just pick it up again and maybe try seeing each other in the summer when I’m there for 4 months so we could establish something before I head back up for school. But really I have no idea where to go with this, nor do I have a plan of action or anything. It sucks being so close to something, knowing it would’ve been so great, and having it end before it even begins… If you read all that, you get a gold star! * (Ok, it's a bolded asterisk). Any advice, thoughts and opinions are welcome! 90% of the people I know are relationship virgins and really have no advice or fortune cookie-like words of wisdom for me.
USMCHokie Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 This one is easy. I once had to be the guy in your story. The bottom line is that he didn't think you were attractive enough when he finally met you in person. It's really as simple as that. And I'm sorry to say, but that is exactly what happened here... Move on and leave this experience in the past. Consider it a lesson learned...that's why a lot of people encourage a face-to-face meet sooner rather than later, so you can judge your attraction level to that person and not build up a premature perception of who this person really is through only email, phone, text, and/or IM communication...you can't really know someone until you meet them in person...
Author soma Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 lol. I guess that’s a feasible possibility. We both had a pretty good idea of what the other person looked like before meeting up and when we did he said I was beautiful and complimented various body parts (that sounds really weird...), sneaking sniffs of my hair and all that jazz. So I don’t know. Indeed, lesson reaffirmed…something I already knew, but couldn’t control this time. You gotta learn something, otherwise it’s all for nothing. Thanks for the insight.
amaysngrace Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Do you think maybe in a couple months we can try the friends thing and touch base once in a while or if that’s even a good idea? I wouldn't ever call him to touch base. If he ever tries to touch base with you it is your choice to answer him or not. If you want to speak to him go for it and if you don't want to then don't. But wait for him to call you. What really stood out for me is that you said you miss having "someone" to talk to but you didn't say you missed him directly. You are new to relationships so I will just give you a little bit of advice...don't be with "someone" just for the sake of having someone. Please don't sell yourself short that way.
dazzle22 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Remember people can pass themselves off as anyone on line. Even a different sex! You have the edit and delete button, and you don't have that in real time. The other thing you cannot assess online is one on one physical chemistry. You can usually feel it or not within 5 minutes of actually seeing a person for the first time. This is a very complicated connection related to your "love map", all the expectations and dreams your psyche has "scrapbooked" as important to attraction in your mind from the time you were about 5 yrs old. The other thing to remember is people on line are not "living in a vacuum" waiting for you. My guess is he is testing the waters with quite a few girls. Be very very careful out there. Sorry you got hurt.
Author soma Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 amaysngrace, What really stood out for me is that you said you miss having "someone" to talk to but you didn't say you missed him directly. You are new to relationships so I will just give you a little bit of advice...don't be with "someone" just for the sake of having someone. Please don't sell yourself short that way. Interesting catch. MIND NINJA! haha. I think it's just the way I worded it, because I do miss him specifically, not the concept. There will be other guys, I know...but I don't know that they will be like him, possess the characteristics that he does which I liked so much. There are lots of things I liked about him. I would love to find someone with whom to spend my time, but not just any ol' body. I'd rather be single than deal with that confusion and headache. It's all a lot more work than I recall! t3653, But NO matter how busy you are, you will make time for the important things in your life. Just like he made time to talk to you all those times before he met you. The thing is he is just not interested anymore (hard to hear) but he isn't anymore or he would make time for you. That is exactly correct. I promise you Soma, you miss him now, but you will forget. This situation is actually easier to get over than most....I guess I can say that because I have experience it. My advice is to NOT contact him, look at what happened when I tried to contact my guy- he ignored me! The reason these types of guys haven't call or text or said anything is because they don't want to be contacted. Right again. This is a fairly easy situation to move on from, in comparison to the millions of other things that could have made it harder. It could always be worse, and I'm glad it isn't! Sorry for your crappy experience also. I guess I am curious as to what he was thinking and what really went on. It could be the physical attraction thing but I really doubt it. I think it's like when you have a friend that you get along great with when you're not seeing each other in person, and you can have wonderful conversations on the phone but when you hang out in person, you have nothing to say and it's just weird. I tried my best to arrange for him to come up right away and we met as soon as it was possible for both of us. I'm glad we didn't wait longer, otherwise it would suck that much more. Thanks for the replies everyone =)
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