noekula Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I promised myself I would never find myself in this situation, but it happened anyway. I've been tearing myself apart over this for about a month now, and I have no clue what to do. Both guys call me their girlfriend and I call both of them boyfriends. I need to break it off with one, but I feel like I'm too weak or that I will make the wrong decision. I could really use any advice...What can I do? By the way, I am 19 years old, if anyone was curious. So the first guy I have been with for 4 years. High School sweetheart, whom I met and started dating in 9th grade. We had a really strong relationship for awhile, then things went downhill. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't understand that the relationship (and the sex) isn't just about him. When we have sex, he only seems to care about finishing himself off. Last time we had sex, he finished and walked off to go clean up, leaving me unsatisfied and frustrated. But even then, this guy seems to do everything I dislike and continues to do it even after I ask him to stop. He lacks common sense and can be so completely air headed it's crazy. I love him, but recently, I feel I've been growing away from him and have no desire to spend too much time with him. I've been with him so long, I feel like I can't give it all up. I can't imagine life without him. The second guy is everything I want in a companion. He's sweet, romantic, and loves me more than anything. He makes me feel so amazing because he constantly does things for me and tells me how much he loves me. He always makes sure I'm happy before he leaves. He makes effort in the relationship to keep me happy. He's selfless and so romantic that he can make me feel like nobody else. He's intelligent, he's romantic, he's amazing. Too bad he lives in the United Kingdom and I live in the United States. Not once have I ever been unhappy with him in our entire 3+ year friendship (which was filled with strong emotions for each other through out) and 2+ month relationship. He wants to marry me, and I can see myself marrying him and raising a family with him. I don't know what to do. Do I throw away a 4 year relationship and start anew? Or do I forget about my stronger emotions for the second guy because he lives out of this country? I'm leaning towards breaking up with the first guy because I really want a shot with the second guy. How do I break it off with him and if that the right approach? Thanks for reading.
dazzle22 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Wow, where do you find the time? I know of no one other than my parents:p who are with their "first love". If your read over your own post you will see that you have outgrown each other and he's not the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. The other guy is too far away to restrict yourself to seeing only him. Young women make the mistake of closing off their options too soon, and not seeing what all is out there. You should continue to be his friend and just see where it leads, but don't box yourself into an exclusive relationship at your age. PS. Long distance relationships are misery. If I'd want to curse someone, I would wish on them a LDR..
Ahell Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 My advice is that you are too young to be thinking of getting married. turn a page and explore your new relationship, gain some more experience. Have you had sex with the second guy?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 (edited) Stop continplating marriage right now, first n foremost. Believe me - a 27 year old man that married at 24 and is wrapping up a divorce with my STBX (we were together since 18 years old. There's a reason our elders advise against it. My understanding of that primary reason is that we are so unclear as to who we are within ourselves (due to lack of general life experience) and that becomes a problem later. When I say "becomes a problem later" I mean that you WILL grow; you WILL learn more about yourself and what you want. Even if you don't, you'll lament your husband for not giving you the chance to go "explore" yourself the way a single woman would. Trust me on this. Stay single. Dump them both and focus on developing yourself. What are your hopes and dreams? What do you want to see? What causes do you care about and how can you contribute to helping those causes? Without gaining the life experience which allows you to answer questions like the ones above, than trust me, you're not ready for marriage - much less ready for a long term relationship. I'm telling you, trust me... Dump em both. If you don't you'll always be selecting mates based on the "what's in it for me" concept. Marriage demands continous giving and reciprocation. Who the heck wants to reciprocate and give to a mate that isn't a match? Nobody... (which is why so many young marriages fail in my opinion). Fact is, you're too young to know what you want and more importantly WHAT YOU WANT TO GIVE. I'm 27 years old and I just realized all this. Do what you're going to do, but I'd advise you to dump both, focus on developing yourself and start shopping for a long term relationship/husband when you're my age. Good luck!! Edited April 2, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27
Steadfast Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Trust me on this. Stay single. Dump them both and focus on developing yourself. What are your hopes and dreams? What do you want to see? What causes do you care about and how can you contribute to helping those causes? I'm telling you, trust me... Dump em both. Great advice CG. How did you get so wise? When I was 27, I couldn't find my ass with both hands. He's right noekula; tell them both how you feel and walk. At this point and because of your very young age, there's a good chance you can remain friends with both of them. No kids...no divorce...you've got it made! Focus on you. Join the Air Force, see the world or continue with your education. Go for your Masters. Take the single train all the way up to 30 or so and keep riding it. By then or a little after, if you meet someone you'll truly be ready for marriage and motherhood. And when all of your friends are hitting 40, getting divorced and breaking up their families, you and your hubby will be knee deep in school books, grade school and band concerts. It'll keep you young! Live life for you now, save the 'us' for later-
Dexter Morgan Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 noekula, who do you choose? neither. you don't love either of them if you are playing each of them the way you are. so you do both of them a favor and break it off and wait until you can handle the maturity of a committed relationship without betraying anyone.
torranceshipman Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Definitly leave the 1st guy as the R is going nowhere and you seem to have mentally checked out already. The 2nd guy sounds nice...I would keep going with that but don't put pressure on yourself to suffer an LDR at the age of 19...also date other people if you want to but just make sure you are honest about it.
Els Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 I've learnt this: Men are always better to you before they get you and in the early stages of a relationship. Always. It doesn't mean they're bad people, or that they're trying to manipulate/play you - they may not even realize it themselves. But it's the truth - how someone treats you prior to a relationship and how they will when you two have been together for 4 years... are two quite different and unrelated matters. Just something to consider.
lkjh Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 This is the reason why us men find it hard to respect women anymore. Yes get mad and offensive and pretend like Im sexist but its true
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 no offense... but you are 19... a teenager... neither of them or you are that serious to begin with... do yourself and them both a favor and cut them both and spend some good quality time with yourself and really discovering what you really want out of life... sounds like you need to 100% fact... neither of these two guys are going to be the love of your life.... 100% fact... a year from now it will all be a distant memory 100% fact... (and Im not trying to be harsh, just honest) your insecurity and desperate need for validation is a bigger problem than the two boyfriend thing. want to grow up and be an adult in real adult situations? Then start taking responsibility, admit things to yourself, dont blame it on "situations, other people, weak moments, etc."... that will be the greatest power and strength you can ever get in life... otherwise, you are going to be one messed up puppy for a long time. I guarantee at least one of them, if not both, are also seeing other people... funny how liked minded attract. Ive seen it a hundred times ;-)
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