Loved, and Maybe Lost Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 I was hoping somebody could help/listen/advise me with my situation here. I have been going out with my lady for 4 months, and it has been a fairly quick moving relationship. "I love you" popped out within 5 weeks, and it's been a ride ever since. We've discussed travelling the world together, going to Hawaii in the fall, pretty much everything under the sun, including being together forever. Needless to say, it has been iterated more than once that she's the "one" for me and vice versa. However, the last two weeks have resulted in an excessive number of arguments, mostly about trivial stuff. Yet, this culminated into a big messy argument the other night which got so bad she locked me out for 2 hours before letting me come in and talk. I have spoken to her since, and things seem to be healing somewhat, but I'm not sure whether there is hope that we will get back together again. And this is because the argument revolved around her male friends, whom I don't necessarily trust. I have had two previous relationships where the girl has cheated at the end of the relationship with a male friend, and I have this big fear of it happening again. Yet, on her side, she's had two brutal relationships previously where the men went nuts about it to the point of police intervention. So now there's the conundrum. Though there are no specific friends that I am afraid of, the fear of the past haunts all my current relationships. I Trust my girlfriend (or ex, we'll see i guess) completely, yet I still made the same selfish mistake. I love her dearly, and I know she loves me, but I may have caused irrepairable damage. I have explained what my problem is, but I'm not sure if it's enough. Anyways, any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Loved, and Maybe Lost.
Dade Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 Hello, I understand what you are saying here. I will try to help you somehow. I have been going out with my G/F gor for more than 3 months now, and I have expressed my concern regarding her EX of 3 years, with whom she keeps being friends. But the more I have argued about it and dissed the guy, the more annoyed she became, and she said that there is no need for me to worry about it. She said, why worry about things that have not and wont happen. I started worrying that she might get back with her, so I said that I did not like her to hang out with him anymore. But this resulted in many problems and arguments, she told me that I should TRUST her and not be selfish, that this kind of tension would not let LOVE flourish between us. So now I chilled. And things are going NICE. My advice, unless you see that she has cheated on you do not let the thought evade your mind, because the only person who will suffer from it is going to be you, and then, consciously or subconsciouly you will sabotage this, seemingly beautiful relationship that you and your GF had gotten in. Let it go, and cherish what you got. If you TRUST her, you will not argue with her about this. Unless of course there is a good reason to worry. But in the meantime, just try to clear your mind of all the garbage thoughts, and continue LOVING her. and I hope everything will be fine, and if it is not meant to be for you to stay together, which I doubt, then let it go...why question LIFE. Things will happen the way they are destined to happen, Have faith in the relationship, and the rest is up to GOD hope tihs helps I was hoping somebody could help/listen/advise me with my situation here. I have been going out with my lady for 4 months, and it has been a fairly quick moving relationship. "I love you" popped out within 5 weeks, and it's been a ride ever since. We've discussed travelling the world together, going to Hawaii in the fall, pretty much everything under the sun, including being together forever. Needless to say, it has been iterated more than once that she's the "one" for me and vice versa. However, the last two weeks have resulted in an excessive number of arguments, mostly about trivial stuff. Yet, this culminated into a big messy argument the other night which got so bad she locked me out for 2 hours before letting me come in and talk. I have spoken to her since, and things seem to be healing somewhat, but I'm not sure whether there is hope that we will get back together again. And this is because the argument revolved around her male friends, whom I don't necessarily trust. I have had two previous relationships where the girl has cheated at the end of the relationship with a male friend, and I have this big fear of it happening again. Yet, on her side, she's had two brutal relationships previously where the men went nuts about it to the point of police intervention. So now there's the conundrum. Though there are no specific friends that I am afraid of, the fear of the past haunts all my current relationships. I Trust my girlfriend (or ex, we'll see i guess) completely, yet I still made the same selfish mistake. I love her dearly, and I know she loves me, but I may have caused irrepairable damage. I have explained what my problem is, but I'm not sure if it's enough. Anyways, any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Loved, and Maybe Lost.
been there too. Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 Hello, I understand what you are saying here. I will try to help you somehow. I have been going out with my G/F gor for more than 3 months now, and I have expressed my concern regarding her EX of 3 years, with whom she keeps being friends. But the more I have argued about it and dissed the guy, the more annoyed she became, and she said that there is no need for me to worry about it. She said, why worry about things that have not and wont happen. I started worrying that she might get back with her, so I said that I did not like her to hang out with him anymore. But this resulted in many problems and arguments, she told me that I should TRUST her and not be selfish, that this kind of tension would not let LOVE flourish between us. So now I chilled. And things are going NICE. My advice, unless you see that she has cheated on you do not let the thought evade your mind, because the only person who will suffer from it is going to be you, and then, consciously or subconsciouly you will sabotage this, seemingly beautiful relationship that you and your GF had gotten in. Let it go, and cherish what you got. If you TRUST her, you will not argue with her about this. Unless of course there is a good reason to worry. But in the meantime, just try to clear your mind of all the garbage thoughts, and continue LOVING her. and I hope everything will be fine, and if it is not meant to be for you to stay together, which I doubt, then let it go...why question LIFE. Things will happen the way they are destined to happen, Have faith in the relationship, and the rest is up to GOD hope tihs helps
Loved, and Maybe Lost Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 Thanks, that is very helpful info. The only problem is, if and when I say that I trust her now, it seems like I am just saying anything I can to get back into her good graces. We are far from being a couple right now, and I really don't want to push it, thereby pushing her away. I know most people say give it some time, but I'm afraid that maybe she'll get used to being away from me, cuz I'm sure that it'll be better than the last couple weeks. But before that it was "magical". I need a way to let her know how much I care about her, and how she shouldn't let her strong feelings about me diminish over one stupid mistake. I should quantify that the argument that caused the split was largely driven by the fact that I met one of my ex's friends the night before, and I found out that my ex cheated on me once during a 2 day "breather". Sorry to burden others with my problems, I'm just really scared that I may have lost something that should have been found. Thanks, Loved, and Maybe Lost. Hello, I understand what you are saying here. I will try to help you somehow. I have been going out with my G/F gor for more than 3 months now, and I have expressed my concern regarding her EX of 3 years, with whom she keeps being friends. But the more I have argued about it and dissed the guy, the more annoyed she became, and she said that there is no need for me to worry about it. She said, why worry about things that have not and wont happen. I started worrying that she might get back with her, so I said that I did not like her to hang out with him anymore. But this resulted in many problems and arguments, she told me that I should TRUST her and not be selfish, that this kind of tension would not let LOVE flourish between us. So now I chilled. And things are going NICE. My advice, unless you see that she has cheated on you do not let the thought evade your mind, because the only person who will suffer from it is going to be you, and then, consciously or subconsciouly you will sabotage this, seemingly beautiful relationship that you and your GF had gotten in. Let it go, and cherish what you got. If you TRUST her, you will not argue with her about this. Unless of course there is a good reason to worry. But in the meantime, just try to clear your mind of all the garbage thoughts, and continue LOVING her. and I hope everything will be fine, and if it is not meant to be for you to stay together, which I doubt, then let it go...why question LIFE. Things will happen the way they are destined to happen, Have faith in the relationship, and the rest is up to GOD hope tihs helps
Nina Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 I can understand your turmoil. The majority of my friends are male, and my fiancee has expressed a lot of jealousy in the past. I don't blame him, either, because my last relationship before him ended with my ex cheating on me with one of my now ex-friends. Trust isn't something that can magically be rebuilt in a few days. If you truely want this relationship back, you must prove to her that your impulse is honest and sincere, and not simply motivated by the fear of being alone. I hate to be cliche, but flowers do help. I had one huge fight with my fiancee, and I ran to my mother's house (of course) to cry cry cry. She convinced me that I was overreacting (he had gone to a party and come home really drunk and passed out while I was sick with food poisoning). He admitted that he was wonrg. When I went home to talk to him to ask him to come back, he had flowers, he had mailed a love letter to me, and presented me with a poem about how he felt about me and how he was sorry for taking me for granted. Now, my fiancee is no poet. He hasn't ever even read much poetry. He just knew that even if it wasn't a great poem that I would be moved by the sincerity behind the EFFORT that he had made. After that we sat down and established some ground rules. Some were designed to assuage my jealousy (he has to call after a certain time if he's out without me, etc.) Some were designed to help him remember not to take me for granted. It's a very personal thing between two people in a relationshp, but ground rules are VERY important when you plan to be in a long term relationship. It helps you both know where you stand and what your behavior should be like in the future. The very first and most important rule for my fiancee and I is this: "Well done is better than well said." This means that saying "I'm sorry" means absolutely nothing to me. It's the actions that follow that statement that really reveal the true sentiment. I hope this helps. Good luck.
Loved, and Maybe Lost Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 That is very insightful help. I would love to do something like that. However, we don't live together, and I don't know if I should get in her face a lot right now. I really try not to call at all, as I feel she'll call when she's ready to. I don't want to scare her. As for flowers, I just sent her some last week, when things were bumpy, but not like this. Should I send it again? I have also written her a fair number of letters, though last week's one was less than kind. That was resolved later that week, but then I freaked out about something I really shouldn't have. Hence, she feels that the problem was not just the one argument but that I may have been unhappy for the last while, so why would I want her back? It's stampede time up here (Calgary) and she's gonna be out partying a lot. I know that in all the fun, she'll probably forget about me a bit. Meanwhile I have a hard time even thinking of anything or anyone else. Two questions I guess. 1. Should I try and stay out of her life for the next while, or should I make an attempt to talk to her still. We used to talk 2-3 times a day when we didn't see each other. 2. Am I safe to assume that, if she felt the same about me before, and loved me as much as I do her, that she will come to the same conclusions? That we owe it to ourselves to keep trying? A friend of mine told me (surprisingly) that some of the better couples that we know, who have been together for a long time, have gone through something similar at one point, and made it through more in love than before. I really hope this is the case. Thanks. I can understand your turmoil. The majority of my friends are male, and my fiancee has expressed a lot of jealousy in the past. I don't blame him, either, because my last relationship before him ended with my ex cheating on me with one of my now ex-friends. Trust isn't something that can magically be rebuilt in a few days. If you truely want this relationship back, you must prove to her that your impulse is honest and sincere, and not simply motivated by the fear of being alone. I hate to be cliche, but flowers do help. I had one huge fight with my fiancee, and I ran to my mother's house (of course) to cry cry cry. She convinced me that I was overreacting (he had gone to a party and come home really drunk and passed out while I was sick with food poisoning). He admitted that he was wonrg. When I went home to talk to him to ask him to come back, he had flowers, he had mailed a love letter to me, and presented me with a poem about how he felt about me and how he was sorry for taking me for granted. Now, my fiancee is no poet. He hasn't ever even read much poetry. He just knew that even if it wasn't a great poem that I would be moved by the sincerity behind the EFFORT that he had made. After that we sat down and established some ground rules. Some were designed to assuage my jealousy (he has to call after a certain time if he's out without me, etc.) Some were designed to help him remember not to take me for granted. It's a very personal thing between two people in a relationshp, but ground rules are VERY important when you plan to be in a long term relationship. It helps you both know where you stand and what your behavior should be like in the future. The very first and most important rule for my fiancee and I is this: "Well done is better than well said." This means that saying "I'm sorry" means absolutely nothing to me. It's the actions that follow that statement that really reveal the true sentiment. I hope this helps. Good luck.
Taressa Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 Up until now things have moved pretty quickly for you. New love is wonderful and exciting. Don't give up and don't do anything rash right now. You've just moved into the next phase. Here's where things slow down a bit and you get to know each other. She gets to test you on issues such as trust and handling anger. You get to test her on issues such as trustworthiness and forgiveness. Trust is an all-important part of love. Determine if it is your lack of trust or her lack of trustworthiness. One you can resolve, the other you cannot. While your romance is stalled out is the perfect time to try to build the friendship. First and foremost, let her know you are a man who faces his mistakes. Admit and apologize for your mistakes if you're willing to change the character flaw behind them. Your best gift and best strategy now is time. The romance may fizzle for awhile still but use that as an opportunity to learn her. Use this time to build a solid base for a love that grew more quickly than its roots.
Taressa Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 I once had a huge crush on an old farmer's son. I was too young to even know what love was but I didn't forget what his father told me: If you want a man to drink from your well, let him get thirsty for you. Back off a little bit and let your friend regain her trust and her taste for you. Like I said in the earlier post, you've got something promising but you've also both shown areas that need some reworking.
Dade Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 You need to get back with her,,,TIme apart is not good, trust me, just go back and try to restart where you left off, the past is past, dont look back behind, concentrate on the present and the future, think how wonderful it will be, its all in your hands, and of course, if she appreaciated you, then she will stick with you and you guys will be fine..... and one more thing, just because your EX cheated on you does not mean she will be inclined to cheat on you too...COme on, have some faith, and believe in good things, and they will happen, believeing in the worst, will bring the worst TRUST ME ON THIS WISH YOU THE BEST Thanks, that is very helpful info. The only problem is, if and when I say that I trust her now, it seems like I am just saying anything I can to get back into her good graces. We are far from being a couple right now, and I really don't want to push it, thereby pushing her away. I know most people say give it some time, but I'm afraid that maybe she'll get used to being away from me, cuz I'm sure that it'll be better than the last couple weeks. But before that it was "magical". I need a way to let her know how much I care about her, and how she shouldn't let her strong feelings about me diminish over one stupid mistake. I should quantify that the argument that caused the split was largely driven by the fact that I met one of my ex's friends the night before, and I found out that my ex cheated on me once during a 2 day "breather". Sorry to burden others with my problems, I'm just really scared that I may have lost something that should have been found. Thanks, Loved, and Maybe Lost.
Loved, and Maybe Lost Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 Thank you all for your advice. At lunch today, I went and moped, until I happened to find a back massage machine. Now, I give one helluva back rub, and she's got problems with her neck muscles after being in so many accidents. So I purchased it, attached a rose, and a note that said that this'll have to do until I get to see you again. She works across the street, so I dropped it off on lunch. She was there, and she was acting very very nice, and smiling. There was a lot of contact, so I think everything is going to be ok. it was almost like old times. And she hasn't opened the gift yet. She's always been a sucker for a thoughtful gift. I believe my days of worrying will hopefully be over. This hurdle, at least. Any comments? I once had a huge crush on an old farmer's son. I was too young to even know what love was but I didn't forget what his father told me: If you want a man to drink from your well, let him get thirsty for you. Back off a little bit and let your friend regain her trust and her taste for you. Like I said in the earlier post, you've got something promising but you've also both shown areas that need some reworking.
billy the kid Posted July 5, 2000 Posted July 5, 2000 LML; I have had the same problem, and it ended in divorce, and I hope it doesn't happen to you... my second wife had male friends that she worked with that felt free to come around when I wasn't there.. one day I came home and she and a friend were in our bedroom, alone, she was folding clothes, but the thought was still there....I think if I would have told her that I was uncomfortable with this she might have changed her behavior.. and maybe I did but it was so long ago I don't remember.. but that is what I suggest tell her your feelings and see what happens..I hope the best .. I was hoping somebody could help/listen/advise me with my situation here. I have been going out with my lady for 4 months, and it has been a fairly quick moving relationship. "I love you" popped out within 5 weeks, and it's been a ride ever since. We've discussed travelling the world together, going to Hawaii in the fall, pretty much everything under the sun, including being together forever. Needless to say, it has been iterated more than once that she's the "one" for me and vice versa. However, the last two weeks have resulted in an excessive number of arguments, mostly about trivial stuff. Yet, this culminated into a big messy argument the other night which got so bad she locked me out for 2 hours before letting me come in and talk. I have spoken to her since, and things seem to be healing somewhat, but I'm not sure whether there is hope that we will get back together again. And this is because the argument revolved around her male friends, whom I don't necessarily trust. I have had two previous relationships where the girl has cheated at the end of the relationship with a male friend, and I have this big fear of it happening again. Yet, on her side, she's had two brutal relationships previously where the men went nuts about it to the point of police intervention. So now there's the conundrum. Though there are no specific friends that I am afraid of, the fear of the past haunts all my current relationships. I Trust my girlfriend (or ex, we'll see i guess) completely, yet I still made the same selfish mistake. I love her dearly, and I know she loves me, but I may have caused irrepairable damage. I have explained what my problem is, but I'm not sure if it's enough. Anyways, any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Loved, and Maybe Lost.
Nina Posted July 6, 2000 Posted July 6, 2000 It sounds to me like she has a similar feeling about the situation. Unfortunately, it's difficult for an outsider to give suggestions as to whether you should be in her face and asking for forgiveness or letting her come to you. It's different for each individual, based on past experiences and past relationships. I'll be the first to admit that I have abandonment issues, so if my fiancee leaves after we argue, it makes me even more pissed at him. But that's me and my issues. Only you can decide whether things are going well. The hallmark of a good relationship is one in which both parties are well aware of the true state of each others' feelings. That leads to confidence and a sense of ease that helps to make stressful situations more bearable because you have the support of your partner. I make sure to let my fiancee know that I love him with all my heart, even when we argue, and I never let him doubt that. It is true that most couples who have been together for a long time have experienced several severe arguments. The major problem with couples today is that they expect the relationship to work all the time. No relationship does that! The natural changes in temperment and mood can contrast. Relationships are like the ocean, not the foundation of a house. The currents shift, storms break out. The idea of a good, solid relationship is that the love is alway there, beneath the surface. This helps you to deal with most any problem that can come up.
Loved, and Maybe Lost Posted July 6, 2000 Posted July 6, 2000 Wow, that was very good advice. I guess I shouldn't expect a smooth ride. Between me and my girlfriend, the love is still there. It's always been there. I know she is aware of that as am I. Things are still a little rocky, but at least there is light at the end of the tunnel, or so it seems to me. With the stampede coming up though, I really won't see her a lot, if at all over the next week, and she's not very consistent with returning calls. This is going to be a fun week. Man do I miss her. It sounds to me like she has a similar feeling about the situation. Unfortunately, it's difficult for an outsider to give suggestions as to whether you should be in her face and asking for forgiveness or letting her come to you. It's different for each individual, based on past experiences and past relationships. I'll be the first to admit that I have abandonment issues, so if my fiancee leaves after we argue, it makes me even more pissed at him. But that's me and my issues. Only you can decide whether things are going well. The hallmark of a good relationship is one in which both parties are well aware of the true state of each others' feelings. That leads to confidence and a sense of ease that helps to make stressful situations more bearable because you have the support of your partner. I make sure to let my fiancee know that I love him with all my heart, even when we argue, and I never let him doubt that. It is true that most couples who have been together for a long time have experienced several severe arguments. The major problem with couples today is that they expect the relationship to work all the time. No relationship does that! The natural changes in temperment and mood can contrast. Relationships are like the ocean, not the foundation of a house. The currents shift, storms break out. The idea of a good, solid relationship is that the love is alway there, beneath the surface. This helps you to deal with most any problem that can come up.
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