Ava_2000 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 First, a little background information, I'm a 23 year old girl, I'm a grad student graduating this May with a great job lined up. I'm pretty successful in my career and education. Which is not surprising since I've always put that before anything else. Which meant something had to be sacrificed and that unfortunately would be my social life. Or rather my lack of a social life. Up to now, I have never had a serious relationship or even a fling. Everything usually ends after a few dates either because I wasn't looking for anything serious or because I didn't know how to act around him even if I was interested so somehow managed to screw it up. I hardly have any friends. What friends I have, I rarely see but I have been able to keep in contact with them through email/texting/facebook, etc. So to sum it up, I have no bf and no friends. Am I a hopeless case? Am I going to be single forever? It's getting harder and harder to get dates because most people in graduate school and work are either already in the serious relationship or married. I'm just not really sure what I need to do to get into a relationship. On a side note, I recently started seeing someone but I don't know how he feels about me. He's very difficult to read. I sometimes get the impression that he likes me but then he says something that makes me question it. But as of now, he's the only guy in my life so I don't want to screw it up.
USMCHokie Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 First, a little background information, I'm a 23 year old girl, I'm a grad student graduating this May with a great job lined up. I'm pretty successful in my career and education. Which is not surprising since I've always put that before anything else. Which meant something had to be sacrificed and that unfortunately would be my social life. Or rather my lack of a social life. Up to now, I have never had a serious relationship or even a fling. Everything usually ends after a few dates either because I wasn't looking for anything serious or because I didn't know how to act around him even if I was interested so somehow managed to screw it up. I hardly have any friends. What friends I have, I rarely see but I have been able to keep in contact with them through email/texting/facebook, etc. So to sum it up, I have no bf and no friends. Am I a hopeless case? Am I going to be single forever? It's getting harder and harder to get dates because most people in graduate school and work are either already in the serious relationship or married. I'm just not really sure what I need to do to get into a relationship. What a lot of people don't understand is that life requires balance...and this is something you never accepted while you were in school... You ask yourself why you've never had a boyfriend...I think you already answered that...because you didn't want one...or at least you blamed your schoolwork for being single...which to put it bluntly, is a lame excuse...there is absolutely no curriculum on this planet that forces one to completely forego all other aspects of their life for the sake of their education...unless you needed to spend a lot of time and effort to succeed (no offense, some people just need to spend more time to learn), there should be no reason why you couldn't create a balance in your life. And again to be completely honest, a guy would do well to avoid someone that didn't have balance in their life...because you obviously only had one priority... So at this stage in your life, I will safely assume that you will likely carry this attitude into your career, where it will be your only priority in life...and if you do this, you won't get anywhere socially...you need to sit yourself down and realize there's more to life than education and career...you need to find some sort of balance in life...a balance that you may never have had before...a guy isn't going to play third or fourth fiddle to you and your education/career...
Author Ava_2000 Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 So at this stage in your life, I will safely assume that you will likely carry this attitude into your career, where it will be your only priority in life...and if you do this, you won't get anywhere socially...you need to sit yourself down and realize there's more to life than education and career...you need to find some sort of balance in life...a balance that you may never have had before...a guy isn't going to play third or fourth fiddle to you and your education/career... I agree with you that I haven't properly balanced out my life. But I'm so used to just focusing on one thing, I'm not sure how to create this balance. I suppose it's also true that I could have made the time if I really wanted to, but it always seemed easy to stay in and blame it on an upcoming exam or project.
Author Ava_2000 Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Ava many people have been in situations similar to yours, only to have it work out for them. If you want to change your social situation, and you work at it the same way you have everything else in you life, it will change. I am working on changing my life and changing my priorities a bit but it's not that easy to change 23 years of habits over night. I keep finding myself slipping into old habits without even meaning to and then regretting it afterward but of course by then, there's nothing i can do about it
USMCHokie Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I agree with you that I haven't properly balanced out my life. But I'm so used to just focusing on one thing, I'm not sure how to create this balance. I suppose it's also true that I could have made the time if I really wanted to, but it always seemed easy to stay in and blame it on an upcoming exam or project. If I were to guess, I'd say that you live a relatively regimented life...you probably have a schedule or calendar...and perhaps a pretty regimented daily routine...all of which is not a bad thing...and if so, you might be able to actually block off "social time" for yourself...force yourself to spend time interacting with other people...maybe you could spend this time with what friends you may have...go out on a Friday or Saturday night to the bars or something...or perhaps some club activities or intramural sports... But the goal of this is to get yourself out of the house and into an environment where you're interacting with other people. And you say you don't have too many friends in the area. That's fine...here's where social networking works wonders...every time you hang out with a friend, try to make it a goal to meet at least one friend of that friend...lather, rinse, repeat, and eventually you'll have a nice network of friends...and in my experience, this network is the best way to meet people to date...
Mattock5656 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 (edited) Hey Ava... I somewhat have the same problems as you do, but I'm 21 year old male etc. I do have some really close friends and such. As years go on, I have gained some new friends here and there. Although, I go to school at a university that is 1 hour drive away. Therefore, I commute and only up there 2 days a week. Due to money reasons, I can't live on campus, therefore meeting people is limited in that area. Also, I can't really do much school activities because its too much of a hassle to drive all the way to school. With work also, infringing on my life it becomes difficult and tiresome to go out and actually meet people. So, I focus like you, on my school more than anything therefore somewhat hurting my social life. At the same time, this part of my life is really important in means of education but I don't want to damage my social arena. Better yet, have trouble getting somebody of the opposite sex. Like you, I completely fail at reading signals from the opposite sex. I have improved a little bit since my high school years, but I still can't read things correctly at the right time. Then when I do actually ask some out, or get them on the date they are not interested in me sometime down the line. And those that are most likely interested (as I notice sometimes from their body language or how they look at me) I don't do anything or freeze up. Finally, also there are people who I turned down because they weren't what I wanted. I've had a girlfriend before, but since then I have gone on this elimination spree. I've been single for 4 years now. To make all things even more difficult, I am not religious (I live in a bible belt state) and my political views go towards the left....(not liberal left, but farther than that.) So, I eliminate a lot of people based off of that right there. So, maybe I'd be better off moving to a country like Germany or Sweden. I know there are people that are somewhat around my thinking, but its so hard to find. All in all, I know what you mean. I don't really have much advice as the above posters gave you solid advice. Possibly, I think you should visit some other countries especially Europe...I tell you, I wasn't as shy when I was thrown in another country and tried to speak to other people in another language...Either way you will learn a new culture (talking about this is a icebreaker there) and you might find someone worthwhile for you. Edited April 2, 2010 by Mattock5656
Mattock5656 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Mattock - thank you for your input No problem, anytime. Best wishes on your journey...Interesting to see people have similar issues...Sometimes you think you are the only one with particular problems...=)
Zik Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 lol this is too funny, you're like me except 2 years older and female I can relate to you and Mattock, I commute to my school (why spend couple thousand on tuition when my home is 15 min away?) anyway the only true friends I still have are from high school and most of them are gone away for college, made new friends etc, but there are a couple still here. I guess the problem is that us group of guy friends, we are all alike we are shy and are the kind to stare at girls and never approach em so I'm not getting anywhere in my social life either. Sure I meet people at college but they're just acquaintances. I try to be friendly and open and talk to people but eh most of the people here already have their group of friends. I too have never dated a girl or any of that sort, yes i know I'm a loser but w/e man it is what it is. Ok well just telling you that you're not the only one and its glad to hear that IM not the only one. Don't worry things will work out, update us
Zik Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I am working on changing my life and changing my priorities a bit but it's not that easy to change 23 years of habits over night. I keep finding myself slipping into old habits without even meaning to and then regretting it afterward but of course by then, there's nothing i can do about it Just do like me, pretend the world is really gonna end 2012 whenever I tell myself that, I do stuff that I wouldn't normally do haha
bananaboat11 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Ava, welcome to the reality of academia... if you don't have a serious relationship, a spouse, or dating another academic... you're usually single until after you graduate. I'm 25 and single... a phd candidate in a science research field studying type two diabetes... and single. My last 'fling' couldn't handle the academia lifestyle... she flaked out on me And is now ****ing a glass blower... after she dumped me on Facebook. One day... I hope to find true love... but until then. smile and live your life. YOu chose the road less traveled... reap its benefits!!!
SaintDragon Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 My advice is don't think about a "guy"...who cares, you're 23 and why waste your young years with possible altercations and depression over stupid guys. Get your job, work hard, be happy and when that is great, then look for MR. right... For now....stop letting it bother you. I'm 35 and facing eternity alone, but who cares... relationships are just a nagging nightmare for the most part anyways.
khria Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Hmmm... a lot of my friends are also students, and the same complaints stand. It may get easier over time to find ways not to sacrifice a social life for your career, but since it sounds like you're pretty established careerwise, it might be time to put in some effort into meeting new people and making friends? I think this is pretty much like doing a 'project' if you can look at it that way. Maybe find things in your community you care about, join a class, or just accept more invitations from your acquaintances at school. Either way, in grad school, a social life doesn't always happen automatically, it seems.. I think socializing is a general 'muscle' or skill you can build over time, and you're right--meeting friends and meeting a partner are pretty similar processes..
norajane Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 (edited) Make friends at your new job, start a weekly happy hour with them. Everyone likes happy hour. And invite them to do things with you - shopping, coffee, lunch. Join a gym and take classes - dance, yoga, kickboxing, scuba diving, weight training. It will be fun and you may meet some friends. Volunteer at something that is meaningful to you. Or join a volunteer group where they have different sets of projects each week, like planting trees in a park or building a playground. In Chicago, there's an organization called Chicago Cares that does exactly that - there are probably groups like that all over. As for the guy, read up on body language and read what he's not saying. If he's a dud, dump him. Hanging onto someone just to have someone is stupid. The world is full of wonderful men. You'll meet one, and when you do, smile and flirt and use a lot of eye contact and small touches and little compliments and you'll get his attention. At 23, you've barely begun living. There is nothing you should feel desperate about! This is your time to explore yourself and learn who you really are and what turns you on in life. Try everything, and find your passions. Edited April 3, 2010 by norajane
Disillusioned Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Ava, Once you learn to figure out the difference between keepers and players, believe me, everything in the singles world suddenly starts to make more sense.
MalachiX Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Ava, Let me suggest that perhaps you don't have social issues because you work hard at your career but rather that you work hard at your career because you have social issues. I think working on one part of our life is a way of over-compensating when we feel inadequate in another part. I recently ran into an old professor at a film festival which a movie of mine ended up handily sweeping. He made the comment, "wow! you're 26 and you already won your first festival" and, despite the good intentions, I wanted to hang myself. I really wanted to grab him and yell, "I should be doing WAY better by now! I've only had a few times in my life where I've felt accepted or had close friends! I can count the number of real relationships I've had on one hand! I'm rarely ever happy! I should be WAY further in my career to justify my pathetic social existence." I guess what I'm suggesting is that your insecurities about relationships are probably what drive you to do well at your career but they can also might mean you'll never enjoy any success you have. When there's a hole some where, nothing can fill it no matter how much you want it to. I think the first step is to really look at why you have had such difficulty having a relationship and not fall back on the "I'm too busy" excuse.
craw Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 lol there's nothing wrong with you. what's the big rush? it's awesome that you have a career set out for you! you will meet someone eventually, whether he's the right guy or not. You're going to be out networking at some point your career. I think you mentioned you're still in touch with friends, but haven't seen them. Plan something for May and make sure you don't bail! For my single 6 years, I thought I had "screwed" up every relationship with a guy, which is total bull**** by the way, nothing was ever failed, it just wasn't the right person at the time & it didn't make sense to me. Now, I finally feel, I'm with the right guy, he is totally worth all the previous heartbreaks before. it sounds like you don't have any negative dating history, which is great a positive thing - maybe focus on that? Please stop blaming yourself for "screwing" up. Trust me, the right guy you will find, won't even care if you're a goofball. Seriously, there was a time in my single life that I was even called desperate by several boys, I had to rebuild my self-confidence, after such hurting UNTRUE comments was posted abt me on a forum - Do you think I allowed myself to think I would never find anyone again? **** that ****! oh btw, I'm just a year older than you! if that helps. hope my ramble encouraged you to look at it in a different perspective.
bananaboat11 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Ava - As an fellow academic, not to discredit anyone else here, it's a different kind of busy work. I"m sure there are others here who have pursued higher degrees above the bachelor's level... they SHOULD understand it's a different kind of work/busy. I'm waiting to meet a girl like you ... and I look forward to it, but I'm not losing my mind in the process (I kind of did already LOL - see my last post and all my posts in the breakup section... hmmm =/ ) Academia (especially if you're in the science field) is very demanding... be involved in your community... see what your lab mates... department mates... and/or colleagues do for fun... do you have hobbies? I mean... I'm a DJ.. I'm Jewish... and a huge gym rat. I'm VERY active in my community along side with my research... known in my gym (have met the WRONG sort of woman here tho... heh) and I am known in my local temple (I think I met my potential life partner... and she thinks so too, but because we've dated before and we separated we're taking it slow. heh).... if you have any questions... PM me. I'm 2 years older than you and 100% understand being in the SAME position as you. And I know I'm socially eccentric... weird... fun... envigorating.. unique... and those around me LOVE me for it. I'm not socially awkward... but I am upfront/forward and direct... with a loving personality. Do not be discouraged. Love life! Live Life!!!!
Author Ava_2000 Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Zik – It is nice knowing I’m not the only one that’s like this one there. I kinda feel like I should have had my first bf by age 16, lost my virginity after the senior prom and met my Mr. Right during college. Lol. I watch too many movies. bananaboat11- I’m a ms candidate in the mathematics field. If I’m not in class, then I’m teaching a class. It’s very demanding, which you understand. I do have hobbies and I get out of the house. I volunteer and have yoga. I join in on the activities that my department has. I have lots of acquaintances and people I meet for lunch and dinner parties every once in a while. But I wouldn’t call them friends. SaintDragon- I know I’m still young, but when I was 18 I thought, I’m just 18, I have plenty of time ahead of me, I just started college, so what’s the rush? But fast forward 5 years, I’m still in the same place I was when I was 18. I’m just afraid I’m still going to be in this state another 5 years from now. That’s a really scary thought because I don’t want to be alone. khria, norajane- I am spending less and less time with school because I feel like I’m pretty well set in that regard. I started volunteering and taking a yoga class, but everyone I volunteer with and go to class with, while they’re a great group of people, they’re not the right age group. They’re either still in hs looking for volunteer hours or retired ladies looking for a little exercise. They’re not exactly the type of people I would consider potential friends. Disillusioned- Lol at this point, I would settle for anything MalachiX- You’re right. Even though I am successful in my career and in school, I feel like something is missing. I’m not quite happy with my life, even though I should be. I mean, I have everything I ever wanted, except the relationships and friends, which is a huge part of life. craw- Lol, everyone keeps saying the right guy will show up eventually. But what I would like to know is exactly how long is eventually? I’m sorry you went through all those sucky relationships, but I’m so happy for you that you found the right guy
confusedgirl77 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I know exactly how you feel. I work as a teacher at a school that is an hour and a half commute from me. I feel like I never meet anyone and the people at my job are mainly women and married or gay guys. I have no idea how to meet people and after getting set up a few weeks ago by some well meaning friends and the guy never calling my back after our seemingly great date, I feel more lost than ever. And I am two years older than you... I've had two boyfriends for long periods of time in the past, but being single is totally unnatural for me and I'm terrible at it. All of my friends now are engaged or on the verge and all I feel is lost. It's true that people on this site can act as if it's so easy to just "date around" or just "go out with people outside your social circle" or "you'll meet someone eventually". I've had two single years and it hasn't happened yet, and when I read that I'm always like IT'S NOT THAT EASY!!! I don't know the answer unfortunately, but just wanted to let you know that there was someone else out there feeling just as desperate as you, so don't feel lonely!
Knittress Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I'm sitting here chuckling cynically to myself over how some of the posters have mentioned grad students as all being in committed relationships or dating fellow academics... or single 'til graduation. Maybe you should be thankful you are where you're at. When my longterm relationship dramatically went up in flames over a year ago, I realized that I had no idea how to emotionally cope or intellectually focus without that cheating bast...ahem, I mean person, around. I had no other close relationships, and my family life is a constant roller-coaster of estrangement - so I literally went off the deep end and got on academic probation to boot. Now I'm in my late 20s and realize that if I want to make something of this large time/financial investment I'm going to seriously risk the possibility of my ovaries shriveling up before I find some time to settle down. You have time. Things are going well for you. I WISH I were in your shoes.
bananaboat11 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I'm sitting here chuckling cynically to myself over how some of the posters have mentioned grad students as all being in committed relationships or dating fellow academics... or single 'til graduation. Maybe you should be thankful you are where you're at. When my longterm relationship dramatically went up in flames over a year ago, I realized that I had no idea how to emotionally cope or intellectually focus without that cheating bast...ahem, I mean person, around. I had no other close relationships, and my family life is a constant roller-coaster of estrangement - so I literally went off the deep end and got on academic probation to boot. Now I'm in my late 20s and realize that if I want to make something of this large time/financial investment I'm going to seriously risk the possibility of my ovaries shriveling up before I find some time to settle down. You have time. Things are going well for you. I WISH I were in your shoes. Wait... excuse me?
Isabella81 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 girl, go out and have a fling before you get to serious with everything. You owe it to yourself to have at least one!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Ava, I read a while back that "the average age of first marriage, for women, is twenty-five. for women with a Master's Degree, it is thirty". And those numbers are just "averages". In this classroom, being on one side of the bell curve is NO DIFFERENT from being on the other side. This means, if you are 33 when marriage comes your way - FINE! You still have lots and lots of time.
Author Ava_2000 Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Ava, I read a while back that "the average age of first marriage, for women, is twenty-five. for women with a Master's Degree, it is thirty". And those numbers are just "averages". In this classroom, being on one side of the bell curve is NO DIFFERENT from being on the other side. This means, if you are 33 when marriage comes your way - FINE! You still have lots and lots of time. 33!!!! and i thought anything above 25 was old
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