soheartbroken Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 To those who know me, or others. I did something awful. I looked at pictures tonight. I haven't done this since we split 8 months ago (I didn't even look at them then). They are pictures that my mom took and are sitting in the family basement. I've never even seen most of them. I have no idea why I did it. I was already backsliding a bit, and I guess I wanted an emotional shock or something. Maybe I was testing myself. She looked so good. We both looked so good. The pictures were from the early months of the relationship, when we were so in love, so young and carefree. She looks amazing. Help. What do I do now? How do I put this behind me? I tried calling the only friend who I could talk to about this. I just can't get over how much in love we were, how happy we were, and how great she looked.
Author soheartbroken Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Everyone's done this before, right? You decide one day to look at your old wedding photos or whatever? Your ex looks young, gorgeous, and you're both so in love? You wonder if you'll ever get that back, if you'll ever find someone as beautiful? You backslide, time goes on, and eventually you find yourself back at where you were before. Just tell me I'll get over this.
tojaz Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Calm down SHB. We all have our weak moments. I look from time to time even though i know it will hurt. Keep in mind that you aren't seeing the same person in those pics. Shes someone else now. Look at the photos in my profile if you want proof. Only a couple of months apart. By looking at the pictures you are mourning what you lost, its only natural. Now that you know that looking causes you pain you know your not ready to look. SO STOP IT! It just keeps those wounds you desperately want to heal open all the more. TOJAZ
tojaz Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Everyone's done this before, right? You decide one day to look at your old wedding photos or whatever? Your ex looks young, gorgeous, and you're both so in love? You wonder if you'll ever get that back, if you'll ever find someone as beautiful? You backslide, time goes on, and eventually you find yourself back at where you were before. Just tell me I'll get over this. Yes, we all do it. Fell into that trap just the other night. Was shocked by how much it stil hurts but I dusted myself off and keep moving. TOJAZ
Author soheartbroken Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Calm down SHB. We all have our weak moments. I look from time to time even though i know it will hurt. Keep in mind that you aren't seeing the same person in those pics. Shes someone else now. Look at the photos in my profile if you want proof. Only a couple of months apart. By looking at the pictures you are mourning what you lost, its only natural. Now that you know that looking causes you pain you know your not ready to look. SO STOP IT! It just keeps those wounds you desperately want to heal open all the more. TOJAZ Not ready at all. I knew I wasn't ready before I did it and I still did. Can you believe I did this after all this time? I was just looking for pain. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Author soheartbroken Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 And thanks for being there Tojaz. This is really tough.
PWSX3 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I don't see anything wrong with looking even if you feel pain. That is part of the process of grieving, letting go of what you "THOUGHT" you had. You can't bring back those days & like tojaz said; your ex isn't the person you had back then. Do the grieving, realize that is part of your past (good or bad) and use it to move forward. I understand it really hurts, been there as well. Like you I didn't want the divorce so it makes it even harder to look at the pictures, but it also helps me realize she wasn't as perfect as I made her to be. She also had her faults.
Gunny376 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I call it "Digging Up Bones" ~ and yea its been twenty years and I still do it from time to time ~ although not as often as I did initially. Initially? The first time I did it? I was sitting in an empty apartment (The Movers had just left?) in Okinawa Japan on the sixth floor with an Elvis decanter of Jim Beam, drinking out of a Fred Flintstone jelly glass, listening to George Jones. These days? Twenty years later? I do it and think to myself? WTF were you thinking? I was once where your at, and it does take time, and whole lot of work on yourself, re framing, your thinking, adjusting your perspective and attitude. For so long I was sad and despondent ~ and then angry! Not just at the EX, but at myself, the world, and pretty much everyone in it! Up that by a factor of 10 of being a career Marine? I went to work today and told my co-workers that I was going to be nicer to everyone at work because of all these work-place shootings? A co-worker told me ~ "HELL! Your the one we're all worried about?" To be honest though SHB? You've come a long, long way since you've initially posted here? And I'm glad you came back, because your doing so has helped me in your doing so. I know your in pain, and we're all here for you as best we can. I'm a long ways past that night in that empty apartment in Okinawa, (The bitch of it was I was shipping out for Saudi Arabia for the First Gulf War in two weeks! That didn't help one bit, and seeing the ever-growing "Wall of Shame ~ [A sheet of plywood in the middle of the camp, with pictures of wives and GF's that had cheated, filed for divorce, or sent Dear John Letters] made it all the worse.) One of the things that helped me to get through it? Was the knowledge that no matter how bad it is? There's others out there who would willingly trade places with me? In a heartbeat. That there's always someone out there worse off than me? But by the Grace of Almighty God? There go I! That I'm worse off than some? But better off than most!
spriggig Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I did something similar. Sort of. I walk past the wall of pictures in our hallway every day. I gotta take those down! I pulled down two pictures of the two of us last weekend and burned them in the backyard. This was the night after I sent her out of my house. The roller coaster ride continues.
Gunny376 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Guy1:"It took so long to build this family with my wife, 12 years. I feel like these years are wasted. If I find someone new it will take me even longer to build a new one." Guy2:"Whats to say that you don't find a better women and it only takes 4." I like that! Attitude and perspective! That's what its all about!
Steadfast Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I like that! Attitude and perspective! That's what its all about! I like it too Guns. But isn't it like you always say? To fully appreciate and grow with a 'better women' it'll be wasted effort if we're not better men. And SBH? It is situations like this where time and experience really do help. One day, you'll be able to look at those pictures and see her without you.
nobmagnet Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Classic gunny and oh so true!:bunny: Glass half full. Lowly worm took all the pics when he collected stuff in september:( I asked him to copy them (childrens births ect bithdays) eventually he did them onto a portable hard drive (january) I thought i would be like Gunny......so bottle of JD in one hand and box of tissues by my side (no flintstone jelly glass) and plugged it in. Something funny happened to me. I looked at them and smiled. It wasnt all bad.......but it didnt hurt. We had made some great memories in the past. Then i noticed something else. There were no photos for the past 4 years. the odd bithday cake but nothing. That spoke volumes to me. No happy times......no photos. Why would you take pictures of misery? Take the good times for what they are. in the dim and distant past. Just my take xxx
Gunny376 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I like it too Guns. But isn't it like you always say? To fully appreciate and grow with a 'better women' it'll be wasted effort if we're not better men. And SBH? It is situations like this where time and experience really do help. One day, you'll be able to look at those pictures and see her without you. This is true! I seek everyday to do my damndest to a better "me" each and everyday. Not that I seek to be a perfectionist? Just a better "me" than I was yesterday. Most days its improvise, adapt and over-come. Otherdays? Its just making do and getting by? Somedays? Its just slugging through the daily grind. But every now and again? Well its like my signature says, "Parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!" Ultimately? When someone leaves you? They're just forcing you to become the "perfect someone" for someone else.
Gunny376 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I call it "Digging Up Bones" ~ and yea its been twenty years and I still do it from time to time ~ although not as often as I did initially. Initially? The first time I did it? I was sitting in an empty apartment (The Movers had just left?) in Okinawa Japan on the sixth floor with an Elvis decanter of Jim Beam, drinking out of a Fred Flintstone jelly glass, listening to George Jones. They all gave me a "talking to" Fred told me that he likes his women old fashion. Elvis told me he likes em' fast! Jim told me he likes em' smooth! And George? He just told me he wanted her back?
tnttim Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I like that! Attitude and perspective! That's what its all about! That's my conversation with my newest best friend, it was a great motivator for me. SHB I am back with W and I still have those feelings. I look at pictures and think wow I trusted her so much and she loved me unconditionally back then, and now it's all fcked up. Men and women alike have and will have for the rest of our lives bad backslide memories. Until they make that mind eraser like that Jim Carey movie. When I can will my mind I turn those thoughts into motivation for never letting it happen to me again. Use as a stepping stone instead of road block. And yes you will get better
tojaz Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Not ready at all. I knew I wasn't ready before I did it and I still did. Can you believe I did this after all this time? I was just looking for pain. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Not Stupid at all SHB! We all do it! Quit beating yourself up DAMMIT! It will be a year next week since the bomb dropped. I'm not ready, but still every once in awhile I pull that box out of my closet and cry my eyes out. Sometimes I don't know why. Sometimes i need to, just to let it out. Theres nothing wrong with that SHB. and sometimes I just want to remember better times and escape my head for a brief moment. Theres nothing wrong with that either. TOJAZ
spriggig Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 That's my conversation with my newest best friend, it was a great motivator for me. Thanks for sharing that conversation, it really helped me along in the right direction.
Gunny376 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Not Stupid at all SHB! We all do it! Quit beating yourself up DAMMIT! It will be a year next week since the bomb dropped. I'm not ready, but still every once in awhile I pull that box out of my closet and cry my eyes out. Sometimes I don't know why. Sometimes i need to, just to let it out. There's nothing wrong with that SHB. and sometimes I just want to remember better times and escape my head for a brief moment. There's nothing wrong with that either. TOJAZ WE have a saying in the Corps, and SHB I doubt your ready to hear it? But I'm going to put it out there? "Pain is weakness leaving the body!" Pain? Is actually good! The first time while standing in a dry cleaners? I was a curious 7 year old that stuck his finger to a neon light hanging in the window? I can guaran-dam-tee ya that to this day! I've never done such again! It left a first degree burn on my finger the size of my thumb! Pain is one Hell of a teacher! And though you can't see it right now, (and one day you will) all this pain your going through is teaching you, preparing you for to be with the one you were meant to be with. It did me! It did many of us here! Its why you here! To learn, grow, adapt, and overcome.
Gunny376 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I've got to post this! DO NOT! ABSOLUTELY DO NOT THROW ANYTHING AWAY! In the years to come? You will seriously regret it! Put it in a box, and put the box in a trunk, and give the trunk to a close friend and or relative for safe keeping. But do not throw it away.
Author soheartbroken Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I didn't expect that this many people would respond, and it's really nice. I wanted to respond to everyone individually, but there are too many of you! The gist seems to be that looking at the pictures isn't the end of the world. But no one has touched upon the fear of never finding anyone as attractive as the ex, and having to settle for less (if you find anyone at all!). Any thoughts on this? I'm ashamed that this is such a shallow thought. To be honest this episode has sent me into a tailspin. Needless to say, I've been thinking about her more now these past few days than before (though I still thought a lot about her before). I really want her back in my life. So, no new material here. I'm not going to write out everything that I'm thinking and feeling, because it's not going to help to go over the same stuff again. I wish I didn't love her still, I wish I didn't want her back, I wish I didn't have 1001 reasons to blame myself, I wish I had more confidence...but, that's how it is. I was making progress at one point at least. I'm trying to remain social in the face of all this, and with the nice weather coming up, I'm going to get back to the gym (I stopped because it was interfering with my hockey). I just wish this didn't feel like I was fighting a losing battle. Everyday I carry on, hoping that something will change - I'll meet someone amazing, I'll realize that my ex wasn't all that, my ex will finally contact me...hoping for anything. I've tried everything: therapy, yoga, staying busy, reading self-help books, getting support from family and LS, sports, socializing, divorce class,...even signed up for a meditation course offered through the healthcare system. It's like trying to lost weight - you keep hoping that the next thing will make all the difference. You keep going everyday thinking that today might be the day that the pounds start to come off. I'm like a rabbit chasing a carrot on a stick. Sorry if this post is incoherent. I realize I'm a bit all over the place.
Gunny376 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Silly Rabbit! Of course you will find someone just as attractive, just as loving, just as caring, just as giving. That being said? There are multiple variables to that particular equation? (And it really can be summed up into a mathematical / statistical equation) Given that your gay? Simply means your going to have to cast a larger and wider net. That means going geographic in your search outside of your comfort zone of where you currently live? My concern for you is all of the users, abusers that are out there? The opportunists?
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