55XL 33BR Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 (edited) "I don't want you to disappear from my life. If you have to, I will understand. You're a part of me, yet you're substantially different and I love that. I don't have any expectations, I want you to do what's right in your soul. I can't ask for anything else. I wish I could be everything. I am not. I feel like the worst person on the planet. I wish I could speak to you in raw emotion because words can't describe what this feels like. I don't want you to go away, but I don't know how you can stay and that hurts me. You have shown me so much and I thank you for every piece of that. But I can't negotiate when my heart says you're my best friend. I wish it would always feel like boyfriend. It just isn't all the time. Empty is how I feel, it's the right way for me to feel right now. God only knows how devoid of everything I feel right now, I don't know what is right or up or down. I thank you for everything. I forgive you for everything even if it's not something you need to be forgiven for. I actually want you to forgive me. Please forgive me? Forgive me for hurting one of my best friends. Please don't forget that faeries exist because we believe they do. I want you to believe in Never Never Land. Peter pan lives in all of us, just like you will always live in me and I in you. That will never change." That was the letter he wrote to me last night...I don't want to give up, I feel guilty because I'm his best friend. But I don't want to be just his best friend. He couldn't stop crying when we broke it off last night. I asked him to forgive me because I have to initiate no contact, I need to protect myself. But this just feels so wrong, so clinical. I've never been so unsure of something in my entire life. I'm a law student, I'm not irrational - but I feel so irrational cutting him out of my life. We were never a couple, just exclusively dating for a very long time. And I liked that. I just don't know want he wants, but he doesn't want to be "official". (sighs) Edited April 1, 2010 by snpjr
ADF Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 "We were never a couple, just exclusively dating for a very long time." Isn't that what a couple is? Anyway, if I had to guess what this guy wants, I'd say he wants FWB. Actually, many men--I want to say most men--prefer FWB to having a GF anyway. In a FWB relationship, a guy gets all the advantages of having a GF, but with no strings. It is the ultimate win/win situation for him. Many men will try for FWB if they can get it, and only settle for having a GF if they can't. Maybe that is what he really means when he says he doesn't want it to be "official."
Author 55XL 33BR Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 I guess I'm one of the few "men" who doesn't want FWBs. Oh, should have mentioned...we're gay...
ADF Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Yes, you might have mentioned you were gay. That suggests a very different dynamic. When I described FWB, I was thinking of a M/F couple who have a casual sexual relationship. Often, women enter into these relationships with men in hopes that the relationship might grow into "something more." Naturally, this almost never happens. The men are prefectly happy getting no-strings sex, and will usually dump the woman if she gets too attached. I have no idea how this plays out with gay couples, or if it does at all.
Author 55XL 33BR Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 What different dynamic does a gay relationship "suggest"?
ADF Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 What different dynamic does a gay relationship "suggest"? Well, for example, there are many gay male relationships where seuxal fidelity is not as critical as it is in heterosexual relationships. I am sure there are also many where it is, but I think you know what I mean. My best friend from high school is gay. He's been in an open relationship with an older man for more than a decade. They are quite devoted to each other, but regularly "play" with others, either together or seperately. For them, sex is about recreation. Love is something else. Relationships like theirs are fairly common among gay men. However, such relationships are extremely uncommon among straight couples, for whom sexual fidelity tends to be all-important. That's what I mean by a different dynamic.
Author 55XL 33BR Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Other than your own personal experiences, where have you come to conclude your aspersion? There are plenty of "open" hetero relationships that I know of and actually a major religion (Mormonism doctrine of Polygamy), where it's preached and practiced. So to assume that your dynamic resounds for the majority of the gay community is baseless and prejudicial, and amounts to preconceived notions that were altered by your own understandings. And are they really that uncommon in "straight" couples as apposed to not just getting caught?
Author 55XL 33BR Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 How about some objective advice? Anyone?
ADF Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Other than your own personal experiences, where have you come to conclude your aspersion? There are plenty of "open" hetero relationships that I know of and actually a major religion (Mormonism doctrine of Polygamy), where it's preached and practiced. So to assume that your dynamic resounds for the majority of the gay community is baseless and prejudicial, and amounts to preconceived notions that were altered by your own understandings. And are they really that uncommon in "straight" couples as apposed to not just getting caught? What are you talking about? I am not casting aspersion on anything. I am not a homophobe, and nothing I have said could lead you to think I was. Knock it off. You need to get that giant chip off your shoulder right now! Sure, open relationships exist among heterosexuals. But they are relatively rare, and they don't work out very well very often. As an ex-GF of mine who had had several open relationships once told me, "an open relationship is one he can f___ whoever he wants, but she can't." This is pretty much how ploygamous Mormon marriages work, too. Men are allowed multiple sex partners, while women are expected to be monogamous. You cannot tell me that, overall, non-monogamy is not better tolerated among gay male couples than among straight couples. Sorry, but I have a bit too much life experience to believe that nonsense. Anyway, it sounds like you've decided what you're willing to hear and stand ready to lash out at anyone who tells you otherwise. Good luck with that attitude.
Author 55XL 33BR Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 (edited) All I asked you for was objective evidence or support other than your own subjective understanding. For you to assume, by your own understanding, that "open" relationships are better tolerated among homosexuals than heterosexual is completely YOUR opinion and misnomer. Where is the evidence (other than Hollywood and the people you surround yourself with). I can speak for numerous gay couples, if not the majority of homosexual couples, where sex is sacred - sex is important and sex is not something you share openly. For you to even state that your "life experience" has dictated you to this understanding is proof enough that the "chip on my shoulder" might possibly be there for a reason. No? I apologize if my language was strong or if I come across as angry with you. I am more than open to your advice - that's why I'm here. I am just one of the many individuals who are impressionable and here because, ya...they are in emotional pain, and their defensive walls are up. And you're absolutely wrong in assuming that I only want to hear what I want to hear - I am open to your advice, which you've failed to give. By-the-by, I never once believed you were a homophobe or did it ever cross my mind. The very fact that you state one of your best friends is homosexual would quell that suspicion. Edited April 6, 2010 by snpjr
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