Really low

[bubbaloopieces]

I feel so low right now. I am confused and I hate myself.

 

I'm married but my thoughts are wondering to other men. I have a terrible infatuation with a particular man. I want him so bad I can't hardly stand it. HE is married. I will NOT talk to him or approach him cuz, well, that's just it, my infatuation is platonic. I truly don't think he would cheat on his wife, and if he DID, it would make me vomit. 100% platonic is best, I think. Just the thought of wanting him makes me feel so low. So guilty.

 

I'm married. I made a commitment. Now I regret it. I am not a committed person.

 

H and I been married for 5 ys. He's mostly a good person. Nice guy really. I really liked him (loved?) at one point which is why I thought marriage would work. But I am back to being afraid of staying with only one person forever. I don't know y can't I love someone truly? Getting too close makes me want to run and wonder to others. I just want to be alone. I have to be alone.

 

I feel so low.

[Gabriele]

Get into some counseling and either talk to you H about how you are feeling, or talk to him about a divorce. Don't make the mistake of cheating.....it's horrible for you and him.

[bubbaloopieces]

I need counseling, I do. How to get it? My insurance doesn't cover it. I feel trapped.

 

I know I should leave my husband cuz he deserves better. But what about the kiddos? Is it fair to them to break up the home because mom is a commitment-phobe? My little ones are the one thing that keep me straight now, thinking of their hurt?

 

I just want to f***ing get over myself. Stay, stay, stay. Stop thinking about s**t. BE happy here. Not run.

 

I don't know what I came here to look for. I needed to get it out. The way I look to other people and the way I feel inside? Not a match. It's killing me.

[onedayatatyme]

I would definitely advise telling him the truth about how you feel and get couselling. I know that is scary but, please, DO NOT CHEAT. It will destroy him. My wife's A has destroyed me. If she had told me years ago that she didn't love me, I would not have understood. Get ready for his denial. That would have been my initial reaction. Don't get mad if he denies your feelings, just be persistent and clear.

 

If you think there is any hope that MC can help, give it a shot.

[ADF]

The commitment you made to your husband was not to cheat. That doesn't mean you are not going to be tempted from time to time. You can only police yoru actions; you cannot police your thoughts. No need to be so hard on yourself.

[bestplayer]

I need counseling, I do. How to get it? My insurance doesn't cover it. I feel trapped.

 

I know I should leave my husband cuz he deserves better. But what about the kiddos? Is it fair to them to break up the home because mom is a commitment-phobe? My little ones are the one thing that keep me straight now, thinking of their hurt?

 

I just want to f***ing get over myself. Stay, stay, stay. Stop thinking about s**t. BE happy here. Not run.

 

I don't know what I came here to look for. I needed to get it out. The way I look to other people and the way I feel inside? Not a match. It's killing me.

 

If u r so doubtful about ur love for ur husband , u need to let him know may be he will decide to let u go find someone u can truly love . he deserves that u love him but if that isn't possible at least he deserve to be dumped by u rather than getting cheated on.

[reservoirdog1]

First of all, I commend you. You've had the strength to come here, acknowledge your feelings and your impulses, BEFORE acting on them. That shows strength.

 

Secondly, there's nothing wrong with you for having the feelings you're having. Nobody should be judged for their feelings. It's what you do in response to them that's important.

 

I agree, you need to be open with your husband. I don't think you need to go so far as to tell him who you're crushing on -- keep it in general terms. Tell him that you've felt like straying. The reason you need to do this is that there's something (or things) in your marriage that you're not happy with, or some reason why your marriage is not meeting your emotional needs. You need to figure out why. And you need to do so WITH your husband, so that he can work with you to fix what's wrong.

 

This doesn't mean that everything's going to magically be better. The problem may not have a solution, and your marriage may eventually end. But at least you will have tried to deal with the situation constructively first. Nobody will be able to fault you for that.

 

Good luck...

[bubbaloopieces]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

Today I feel less infatuated with this other man, but more ashamed of myself and of thinking of him. My husband and kids deserve better from me. AND this guy and his WIFE have done nothing for me to be even emotionally bringing them into the equation. Even if they have no clue. Is that a case of an emotional affair? Even if he doesn't know?

 

I started bringing up to my husband that I feel distant from him and I'm not sure why. He got so down. He asked me what I want him to do but I'm not sure. I don't even know why I feel like this. I just know my past. My pattern. Every time I feel close to someone, I leave them.

 

If it wasn't for my kids, I just want to die. Do they have a forum for depression?

[PhoenixRise]

First I want to say you are a much better person than you think. You are aware of how you are feeling and you are trying to figure out what to do about without having first betrayed your spouse.

 

I posted in another thread here today that I would have respected my H if he had been honest with me about how he felt. I would have been hurt. But I would have respected his honesty.

 

If you push people away when you feel too close as part of a pattern, then you do need help getting to the bottom of why you do this so you can break the pattern.

 

I do understand about the cost of therapy being an issue.

 

Are you religious? Is there clergy in your life who could counsel you?

 

Does your H know about your history of pushing people away when they gt too close?

 

If he doesn't know then tell him, and tell him that you feel yourself starting to do this with him. Ask him to help you.

 

Ask him to do research with you online, at the library, at the bookstore etc about intimacy avoidance.

 

If you love him and you feel that this pushing him away is due to your own issues and not problems with him or the marital relationship, then ask for his help. Maybe together, you can even find a way for you to get some minimal therapy.

 

If you really just don't love him, then tell him that and move towards a divorce.

[califnan]

Please don't feel "ashamed" of yourself.. This happens. The fact that you feel willing to turn your infatuation around - is all that matters.

 

I have found that an infatuation or "love" for another can make a person feel extremely unhappy with their life. And in the situation of a married person, I am wondering if any so-called problems of your marriage have been magnified or out of proportion due to your extreme attraction for another ..

 

Your marriage is well worth working on - and saving .. The infatuation for another is just something that throws us off the tract for that that God has for us ..

[califnan]

Oh, I forgot to add .. in ref to theapy .. Internet research and especially LS - can be Extremely Helpful! As you read other stories, you realize that your situation is not so isolated ... Treat LS as the Support Group that it is ..

[PhoenixRise]

 

If it wasn't for my kids, I just want to die. Do they have a forum for depression?

 

 

Do you have health insurance?

 

If so, check your policy, if you have depression (chemical imbalance) you might be covered for treatment of your depression.

 

Are you employed?

 

Some employers offer a free benefit (my former employers called it "work/life" benefit) we could get a set number of therapy sessions per year= individual counseling, marital counseling, etc.

 

It was not a benefit they promoted much but it was available and it was free.

 

Please find someone who can help you in real life.

 

Can you talk to family? Friends? Clergy?

[spriggig]

I feel so low right now. I am confused and I hate myself.

 

I'm married but my thoughts are wondering to other men. I have a terrible infatuation with a particular man. I want him so bad I can't hardly stand it. HE is married. I will NOT talk to him or approach him cuz, well, that's just it, my infatuation is platonic. I truly don't think he would cheat on his wife, and if he DID, it would make me vomit. 100% platonic is best, I think. Just the thought of wanting him makes me feel so low. So guilty.

 

I'm married. I made a commitment. Now I regret it. I am not a committed person.

 

H and I been married for 5 ys. He's mostly a good person. Nice guy really. I really liked him (loved?) at one point which is why I thought marriage would work. But I am back to being afraid of staying with only one person forever. I don't know y can't I love someone truly? Getting too close makes me want to run and wonder to others. I just want to be alone. I have to be alone.

 

I feel so low.

 

My STBXW could have wrote this, verbatim.

 

How's the communication between you two? Have you told your husband just how bad it is for you?

 

Do you guy's argue?

[Steadfast]

You are an inspiring young lady. Like many others here, I commend you. It may not seem like it, but you truly are a woman worth the time and effort.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. What you're feeling is shared with many. I'm not sure if I'd tell hubby anything just yet...maybe after some council? One problem at a time. For now, love with no expectation. Just love. Ok?

 

Speaking of council, find a local (non-denominational, no 'standards' or national headquarters) church and ask to meet with a minister or elder. If they preface it with trying to 'win you over' leave and try another. No one of character tries to convert the hungry with a crust of bread.

 

And keep posting! Lots of good folks here to help and advise you-

[spriggig]

My STBXW could have wrote this, verbatim.

 

How's the communication between you two? Have you told your husband just how bad it is for you?

 

Do you guy's argue?

 

I didn't mean this to sound flippant, they are honest questions.

 

For nearly ten years, my wife only communicated maybe 10% of the pain she really felt and I probably heard less than that, sadly. It was only after she had already started an online EA that I had any idea how bad things had been for her. Even then, I thought she just "needed to get it out of her system" and she'd come back to me. It never occurred to me that she would leave me.

 

We NEVER argued. I thought it was a good thing. I was very wrong.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Today I feel less infatuated with this other man, but more ashamed of myself and of thinking of him. My husband and kids deserve better from me. AND this guy and his WIFE have done nothing for me to be even emotionally bringing them into the equation. Even if they have no clue. Is that a case of an emotional affair? Even if he doesn't know?

I started bringing up to my husband that I feel distant from him and I'm not sure why. He got so down. He asked me what I want him to do but I'm not sure. I don't even know why I feel like this. I just know my past. My pattern. Every time I feel close to someone, I leave them.

If it wasn't for my kids, I just want to die. Do they have a forum for depression?

 

I think you already know what's going on, and it isn't something your husband can fix.

 

Your emotional state is being driven by your depression. Running from your marriage won't help.

 

My suggestion is to try church counseling if you can't get medical counseling. You should be VERY picky about the church and anyone you do counseling with.

[datura_noir]

You have a crush on a guy. The guy is married. So are you. Counseling?? If you are inclined, then do it. Tell your husband? Yes or no, it may make your marriage stronger and better to reveal this, or it may not. That is a consequece. No, if you think it will fade.

 

Hey, we all get crushes, even us married folk. Married doesn't mean dead, right? but ACTING on that crush will severely confound your life. You have to take the crush and figure out why, at this point in your life, it occurred. Don't let your hormones and fantasy world get you into trouble.

[bestplayer]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

Today I feel less infatuated with this other man, but more ashamed of myself and of thinking of him. My husband and kids deserve better from me. AND this guy and his WIFE have done nothing for me to be even emotionally bringing them into the equation. Even if they have no clue. Is that a case of an emotional affair? Even if he doesn't know?

 

I started bringing up to my husband that I feel distant from him and I'm not sure why. He got so down. He asked me what I want him to do but I'm not sure. I don't even know why I feel like this. I just know my past. My pattern. Every time I feel close to someone, I leave them.

 

If it wasn't for my kids, I just want to die. Do they have a forum for depression?

 

i dont think if u feel distant from ur husband it necessarily means u r depressed . It could simply be lack of physical attraction , not getting ur emotional needs fullfilled byhim . I think u need to figure out what is that attracts u in ther guys ?

[bubbaloopieces]

I can't believe how many of you guys are being nice to me! Thank you, So much.

 

I got an appointment with a counselor even with NO insurance for it. She says she'll negotiate the price with me. She specializes in trauma. I got referred to her by an old counselor who worked with me on childhood sexual abuse stuff.

 

Yeah, I know I AM the one with issues. This is not new. My husband knows of the abuse. BUT he doesn't GET it. He thinks it's ok to make me promise never to say no to him if he asks for sex. This is NOT ok for me.

 

But don't get me wrong. It is ME, I have always run from people I get close to.

 

So back to counseling. Hope it will make things better with him.

 

He says he will wait for me to get better emotionally. Then he wants me to get better physically. I am letting myself go. Losing shape. That's no biggie. I can do that. First, I need to let go of all the emotional s***. No more running.

[bubbaloopieces]

This man I am infatuated with. I will see him again (for work) on Wednesday. I need to WORK with him. I'm afraid I will let something show of my crush. I dread seeing him.

[califnan]

This man I am infatuated with. I will see him again (for work) on Wednesday. I need to WORK with him. I'm afraid I will let something show of my crush. I dread seeing him.

 

------------------

 

Just go into it thinking: I am going to stay focussed on the work. I will start and finish the work with him, and then walk away.

[Steadfast]

He already knows. Believe me.

 

But so what? You have the power over you. You know involving yourself with him would be wrong, so don't do it. Guys like that 'power' (so do gals) but you'll be more attractive to everyone (especially yourself) if you're able to control your actions and words. In other words, be strong. He's a dead end.

 

And the reason we're being nice is because of what you've written. You are honest and freely admit your problem and are aware of the hurt it would cause your family. You are not selfishly 'doing what you want' then making excuses for it. I wish my ex-wife were more like you. We all have issues.

 

Keep working on the local help and tackle the problems head on. You're doing great! Keep us posted too-

[bubbaloopieces]

I made it. I made it through TWO days of working with him. Almost no eye contact. No conversations BESIDES work. And when he left - no lingering to talk. JUST "I am very busy today. See you later."

 

I should be proud of myself. I feel physically sick. I'm shaking. Was it that much of an effort. Why should I feel like this?

 

But I did it. I avoided him.

[califnan]

I made it. I made it through TWO days of working with him. Almost no eye contact. No conversations BESIDES work. And when he left - no lingering to talk. JUST "I am very busy today. See you later."

 

I should be proud of myself. I feel physically sick. I'm shaking. Was it that much of an effort. Why should I feel like this?

 

But I did it. I avoided him.

 

------------------------

 

Congratulations!! Now, the next time will be a piece of cake .. Know who you are: A strong, confident, professional Woman ..

[dazzle22]

I commend you for sticking your neck out to talk about this.

 

When you read your posts, my first impression was this is not really about you not loving your husband, it is fear of intimacy in general.

 

Then you wrote your post about abuse and that totally made sense. This is all related to a very wounded 'child' in you that was abused by forced intimacy. That is why you respond by 'escape' or right now, 'escape fantasies', because of this ingrained fear.

 

If you can look at it, that it is not that you really want to be with this other guy, that he just represents 'escape' from your fears right now, perhaps that may help give it all less power over you.