WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 (edited) What is the best way to handle this? For my BF's birthday I bought him a gift, and also spent the entire day with him, and paid for all activities, such as tickets, lunch, and drinks at a bar (someone else took him out for dinner that night, which I attended with him). I think that's plenty for a birthday, it's more than he did for me (I was happy to do that, but it kind of goes back to different expectations from my other thread), and I'm not made of money by any means. That was a lot for me to do, financially, at this point in time. Here's the problem: my original plan had been to get BF a gift, and pay for his dinner at the dinner party and after-dinner drinking party I organized for him with his friends. I anticipate that dinner will cost me around $200, which is a lot of money for me. I never specifically said that I was going to pay for dinner, but I'm sure that my BF (and his friends) expect me to pay for him. After paying for everything the other day, it's going to be a struggle for me to pay for this. The reason I ended up paying for everything the other day is not because I told my BF I had big plans to pay for a day of dates with him for his birthday, but because he invited me to do a bunch of things with him, and then every time the bill came didn't reach for his wallet, thereby leaving me with the entire bill for everything we did. Apparently, since it was his birthday, he expected to not have to pay for anything. Clearly we need to have a conversation about this, which will be awkward...but not as awkward as it would be to have this discussion when the bill comes for his fourth birthday celebration that we're having with his friends soon. I don't know how to bring this up or have this discussion, or how to make it as smooth and un-awkward as possible. Yes, I said fourth celebration - just for this one birthday! I'm so pissed off right now, I don't understand why he can't be a normal person who gets one celebration, or maybe two (one friends, one family) like everyone else. Okay, now that my rant is over, please help! Edit: dinner will end up being way more than $200/couple. I just looked at the menu for the restaurant BF chose, and nothing on the menu is under $40. Edited April 1, 2010 by WhenIrishEyesSmile
CLC2008 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Uh, 4 celebrations for one birthday? That's excessive, no? It already sounds like you've gone way overboard, if you're going to do a group dinner too, I think it would be more feasible to have everyone pay their own way, unless you're from Fort Knox. I did that for one of my best friend's birthday, she wanted it small so we only invited like 10 people but they each payed for their own plate. I took care of all the arrangements and bought the cake and a little birthday goody bag for her. I paid for my plate and hers too. So, there are ways around it.
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Trust me, I am not trying to go all out, nor was that at any time my intention. This whole thing is angering me beyond words and making me see my BF as a self-centered attention whoring *******. Especially at his age I don't understand this mindset....plus he did basically nothing for my birthday, and I didn't mind until I realized how he is about his own birthday. Usually what BF's friends do for people's birthdays is just split the check X number of ways. I would end up paying for 2 shares of the bill (myself and my BF), which will probably come to at least $200 (for a total bill of around $500 + tip = $600)...depends on how much everyone drinks. I'm thinking about telling the server when we get there how to split the bill, so we all get separate checks by couple, but I think that is a massive faux pas within his circle of friends.
LittleMissWonder Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 For him to be sitting back expecting you to pay is overstepping his boundaries. He sounds like he's using you. What a jerk. Just be honest with him about how you feel... you are in the right, girl.
Kamille Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Wouldn't step one simply be to bring it up with him? Tell him you were glad to celebrate his birthday and take him out. But since the upcoming dinner is going to be your 4th celebration, you are hoping that you two could go dutch on the bill.
CLC2008 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Trust me, I am not trying to go all out, nor was that at any time my intention. This whole thing is angering me beyond words and making me see my BF as a self-centered attention whoring *******. Especially at his age I don't understand this mindset....plus he did basically nothing for my birthday, and I didn't mind until I realized how he is about his own birthday. Usually what BF's friends do for people's birthdays is just split the check X number of ways. I would end up paying for 2 shares of the bill (myself and my BF), which will probably come to at least $200 (for a total bill of around $500 + tip = $600)...depends on how much everyone drinks. I'm thinking about telling the server when we get there how to split the bill, so we all get separate checks by couple, but I think that is a massive faux pas within his circle of friends. Unless you're personally hosting the dinner, or something like that, that is way too much money and you should def have the bill split, his friends should offer to chip in anyways.
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 For him to be sitting back expecting you to pay is overstepping his boundaries. He sounds like he's using you. What a jerk. Just be honest with him about how you feel... you are in the right, girl. It's just going to be such an awkward and uncomfortable conversation...I want to make it as smooth as possible and I don't know how. There is a large discrepancy in our incomes (he makes more), so I only treat him when it's a special occasion or within my price range; otherwise he pays (when he insists on doing something out of my price range) or we go dutch. This birthday thing is just bizarre, and since he knows my financial situation I can't believe that he is being so insensitive and self-centered. I'm angry at myself also, because I could have avoided all this by planning something without consulting him. Instead, I had to open my big mouth and ask him for his preference (homemade dinner or dinner out), which turned into him wanting to invite a ton of people to dinner out (larger bill), and of course he insisted it had to be a particular restaurant that I NEVER would have chosen because it is so ridiculously expensive. None of this was as big of a deal before I already got him a gift and paid for other things. Regardless of what happens with the birthday thing we will have to have another conversation about money and lifestyle, because this is insane. It's also making me very resentful, and like he doesn't appreciate the things that I do do for him - like how I am always making him dinner. Since he doesn't cook for himself I don't think he understands how much I spend on groceries - more than he spends on dinner when he pays, that's for sure. Ordering pizza or Chinese costs nowhere near as much. Or all the time and money I spend on gas coming to see him. Anyways I guess all this is another issue, I'm just getting so angry and worked up over this.
JustLooking123 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Wouldn't step one simply be to bring it up with him? Tell him you were glad to celebrate his birthday and take him out. But since the upcoming dinner is going to be your 4th celebration, you are hoping that you two could go dutch on the bill. I agree with this. Explain to him (sweetly of course) that you want to make it a great birthday for him, but your financial limits have been reached after the great day you spent together, and that spending anymore would just not work with your budget, etc. If he responds to this with anything but understanding and willingness to ease your financial burden....I'd reconsider this one. Good luck!
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