confusedgirl77 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Hi Everyone! So I'm just totally confused about a situation I'm in right now after a first date with a guy that my friends have set me up with. Unfortunately advice from those friends is getting confusing also, so that is why I am here for help. So here is the story... My friends set me up with this guy by having us all go out together. We got to talking and at the end of the night he asked for my number and said we should go out the next weekend because he thought I was cool and we had a lot in common. He called three days later to confirm we would go out that Saturday. The day before he called again to confirm and we talked on the phone for over an hour. The next day we went on the date...he picked me up, we got some food and some drinks and then we went to a bar and met up with the group of friends that originally set us up. Everything seemed to go really well. I told them I liked him and he told them he liked me. Anyway at the end of the night, he drove me home and said he had a really good time, and he knew I was going away the next week but we should hang out again. I said me too and we should and kissed him on the cheek and that was it. I didn't expect him to call the next week because he knew I was away and the week after when I was back I wasn't sure if I was supposed to call him, but my friends (males and females) said not to and let him chase me. By the end of the week, he still hadn't called and I went out with those friends and they asked how things were going. When I said I don't know because he hasn't called me in two weeks, they were surprised and were like he was really into you, he's probably just shy and is really busy working, but I was like he just doesn't like me. Anyway his friend asked him how things were going that night and he said he really liked me, had a fun time with me and thought I was really cute. So a few days later they told me so I basically made the move and I texted him saying basically I just wanted to see if he still wanted to hang out sometime and call me if he did. That was three days ago and still no call. My friends insist that he likes me and just is very busy and nervous, (and that maybe he didn't get my text...please!), but I think how can he be too busy for three weeks to call and also how can he be too nervous if he called me three times before we went out the first time. I really don't think he is interested in me and I don't want to make any other moves because I will look totally desperate, so I basically just said tell him if he likes me he has to call me. Sorry so long! Please let me know what you think, because I am totally confused only because they all insist he does like me.
soulm8 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Listen to your friends. He probably is nervous and or busy. He'll call when he's ready. Live your life in the mean time... relax
Author confusedgirl77 Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 But busy for three weeks? And nervous even though he knows I like him and said I wanted to go out a second time? Seems a little weird.
Disintegration Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 He has given you mixed signals. He acted like he liked but then didn't get back to calling you. Don't spend too much time on wondering about him. Date other guys and don't focus too much time about why he didn't get back in touch with you. If he liked you enough I think he would have initiated contact by now. It happens. You think someone is interested then you never hear from then again. Maybe he was expecting you to call since you were the one who was away that weekend? Still, he could have called or texted you to see how you were. Even if he is super busy a quick text doesn't take too much time, he could have atleast done that much. Your best bet is to forget about him.
Left in a Lurch Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I had this happen to me recently. Same basic situation, and when I called the girl she would respond but a few days later. I'd talk to my friends and it was the same thing as your situation. After a little while they stopped talking about her and stopped saying she was interested, which told me everything. My guess is he is not interested much or is dating someone else.
Author confusedgirl77 Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Thank you everyone! It is very helpful to hear that this is common sort of. It is so confusing to me, because I think I am generally a straightforward sort of person, so I don't understand why someone would send mixed signals like that.
2sunny Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 he will when you become a bigger priority. simple as that.
aroll32 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Yeah I wouldn't worry too much about this one. First things first though, if he was truly interested he would've called or texted, simple as that. I can get nervous about calling a girl I like, but I always follow through with the call if I am truly interested. Don't confine yourself to this situation, go out and date some other guys. If he is interested and was really busy or nervous, he will eventually make contact sooner or later.
Author confusedgirl77 Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Thanks! What you are saying makes sense and is pretty much what I was thinking the whole time.
tami-chan Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 He is not that interested. While he might have found you cute and fun, it was not enough for him to even take a minute of his day to let you know he is. Do not send him a text again. You guys have enough common friends for him to know what you are up to and he can make the move then if he chooses to. In the meantime, NEXT him!
Author confusedgirl77 Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Thanks everyone! Your advice was helpful in reassuring me that I think it is time to move on. It's pretty obvious he's not interested, despite what my friends say. I am going out with them tonight, and I'm sure it will come up but I'm just going to repeat what I've been saying...he doesn't like me, otherwise he would have called by now, and it's too late. Three weeks is more than enough time and I don't want to spend a whole month involved thinking about this. I just have to try to remember it's not me, because I really don't think I did anything wrong (and usually I'm kind of critical of myself in those situations), and not over-analyze everything trying to find some answer. That's the goal now lol. I'm going to chalk it up to dating experience, which is helpful because I don't date that often.
Left in a Lurch Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Thanks everyone! Your advice was helpful in reassuring me that I think it is time to move on. It's pretty obvious he's not interested, despite what my friends say. I am going out with them tonight, and I'm sure it will come up but I'm just going to repeat what I've been saying...he doesn't like me, otherwise he would have called by now, and it's too late. Three weeks is more than enough time and I don't want to spend a whole month involved thinking about this. I just have to try to remember it's not me, because I really don't think I did anything wrong (and usually I'm kind of critical of myself in those situations), and not over-analyze everything trying to find some answer. That's the goal now lol. I'm going to chalk it up to dating experience, which is helpful because I don't date that often. Good way to handle it. If it comes up just say he blew his chance and you are no longer interested and tell your friends you would never consider a date with him again. If it gets back to him I bet he calls right away.
Stbe Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 One of the many reasons I date outside my social circle. I hope it's not going to be weird for all you guys from now on
Author confusedgirl77 Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 So I went out last night with all of them. The people that are closest to him, I kind of just said hi from afar with a wave and a "how are you" because I didn't want to get into it, and they didn't stay long anyway so I didn't really talk to them. I had some other girlfriends come out and my male friend and I were trying to set my friend up with someone and I kind of joked around that we shouldn't trust him because last time I got set up by him it didn't work out so well. But then I told him it was now his job to try to set me up with a guy. Then he tried to set me up with some random guy by having me just go up to him and say hi and it was totally awkward and I feel like a made a total fool of myself trying to talk to this guy. It was so embarrassing. Everyone here seems to say "Oh just date around". Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me. I would like to date outside of my social circle, since everyone is a couple in my social circle and the only single was the guy that they already tried to set me up with, but unfortunately it's just not really easy for me to date in general, for a few reasons. One is I work far away from my house and commuting takes up a lot of my time and I never meet anyone outside of work, and at my job it's mostly women and married or gay guys. Secondly, I can be pretty shy around guys and upon trying last night to go up to a random guy, I've learned that I cannot do that anymore bc it's way too awkward and will get me nowhere, and guys just never try to strike up conversations with me when I'm out. I feel like I want to date but am terrible at it. I'm good at being a girlfriend but terrible at being single, and inexperienced because I basically spent all of my prime dating years with a boyfriend. Now I'm twenty five and feeling desperate. It's terrible. I really can't stand being single, and I think I fear rejection or getting hurt, and this whole not getting a call back from a guy that I thought liked me didn't help.
Author confusedgirl77 Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Lol Sorry I'm starting to sound a little crazy in that last rant! Here's my basic back story though...maybe this will provide some insight. I didn't date or even kiss someone until my first boyfriend when I was 18. We dated until I was twenty. Then I met my next boyfriend when I was 21 at my birthday celebration through a friend of my friends. We dated for two and a half years. I kind of thought we might get married but he broke up with me when I was 23 out of nowhere because he basically didn't want to be tied down and had only been with me sexually and wanted to travel and didn't like that I wasn't jewish like him. I basically was depressed about that for a year, trying to win him back and stupid stuff like that, and then finally got over it and realized I was better off and am so happy now that he did break up with me because I realized we were not really good for each other in the long run. Anyway, after the year of depression over the break up, I basically started my first full time job and moved on but never really dated. I've wanted to but it just never happened until that whole original set up story. I thought the whole thing was too good to be true and it was obviously. I still wish I knew what went wrong, but I have to move on because it's over. Now my friends are in set up mode but the whole meeting random guys at bars idea is just not going to work and makes me feel really stupid and embarrassed. At this point I kind of feel like a lost cause. Perhaps a morning after overreaction to a bad night, yes, but why does it have to be so hard?!?!
Xochitl Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Wow, that just sounds like my life! I'm not sure if I can give you definite solutions because I'm working on the same things problems right now but basically I do think that being shy, for guys and girls, can be a problem if you want a lot of dates. Which is a bit unfortunate, because many shy people are actually sensitive and make really good boyfriends/girlfriends. However, one thing I've realized is that becoming desperate and trying to all funny and confident when you're not or chasing guys desperately just makes things worse. Or when you are with someone, trying to get them to stay when they want to experiment, travel etc. is pretty much the worst thing you can do, rather you should distance yourself immediately, and then see if they eventually come back to you, while you are not wasting your time on them but on meeting other people. For me, being shy, it has worked the best to do lots of things on my free time that I enjoy and simply let myself be reserved with people, be friendly enough but give myself the time I need to feel at ease with someone. That way I make real friends who appreciate me for what I am, rather than a lot of friends i don't even really care about or feel relaxed with. Maybe you can try doing something outside your group of friends, like a workshop, trip etc.? And then, just accepting that you may be alone for a while and that's ok can work wonders. I've spent the last half a year convincing myself of that (I'm 27 so there's no shortage of people putting pressure on me with talks about biological clock etc., as if it was in my control who I meet and when I meet them and how I feel about them!) and now I actually finally believe it! And in fact it works! I've had lots of attention from guys recently, just out of nowhere, and I'm pretty sure that it is because I seem at ease now and not desperate. Now the goal is to get around, meet new people and try to meet a guy who I would like back too. Also, being reserved, I do find that I don't attract guys at first the same way as more sociable, open girls. There is just something in my body language that does that (I've heard this from guys who have become my friends and they basically say that they didn't think I was attractive at all first and only when I opened up to them they saw me as physically beautiful, as well as having a nice character). That is the next thing I'll be working on. So just to make it clear, it may well not be "you" as such, it might be your body language, the hobbies you have, where you go out, your attitude etc. But do stay true to yourself when you try to change these things. Also, about the guy you mentioned: that also happened to me some time ago. I ignored him, now he added me as a friend on Facebook. A common friend told me that he's very shy with girls and basically thinks I'm way out of his league. However, he advised against contacting him much for now because he won't want to go out with me, no matter what I do (but I may just end up looking desperate and that's a real turn-off then), unless he amasses the courage to be with someone he now thinks he doesn't deserve and whatever I do won't change it. So sometimes it's a flaw to be too perfect it seems!
Author confusedgirl77 Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Thanks so much Xochitl! Your post was really nice to hear. I think shy people like me tend to think that they are the only one that is that way, so it's nice to hear I am not alone. It is so true that you feel worse if you are acting like something you are not and chasing guys, sort of like I did last night. I totally feel worse about the situation now. I was feeling secure with being single and alone for awhile actually when this whole set up thing started. And when that happened, I was like all of my waiting and not worrying worked! But then no call back, so I kind of went a little crazy realizing that I do want a boyfriend (it didn't help that my best friend just got engaged that weekend too), and became a little too desperate all of a sudden. I need to calm myself down again to get back to that point where I don't care. I think I'm going to sign up for a triathlon so I have something to work towards and keep me busy (although the one I want to do, I think the 'set up guy' is doing too and no, that's not why I want to do it...I actually wanted to do it before I even knew him and I don't think I should have to avoid it because of him). I actually do mostly do things on my own and have just lately been hanging out with this group a lot. I try to stay busy all of the time, which is usually easy because of my job, but I've been on spring break this week, which totally upped the going crazy factor because I had all of the time in the world to think, Think, and THINK, while all of my friends were working or busy. My poor break that I had been looking forward to for months was ruined by all of this stupid stuff!
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