MrsPeaSoup Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I will not hope for miracles which I know will never happen. I will not. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fragment of last diary entry entered when we were still together (free translated from Dutch). ... R gives me the real deal. This is Real Love. The kind of love authors, artists, poets and phylosophers are unable to describe for centuries. And I enjoy it with every breath I take. Every second my whole body tells me how lucky I am. I feel so.. so.. euphoric when we are together. We are together one. I know now, after 2 years of eternal happiness, that when I grow old I shall die in happiness and in peace. Because the deep, compassionate and eternal love was granted to me... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bad day today. Didn't feel like working. I know I have to work really hard for my study, Game Design, for if I ever want to become good at computer graphics I should be working untill 0.00h everyday and even work at nights. Didn't feel like it. Gone to the woods with the dog; talking to the wind. Letting the strong east wind taking over of my thoughts; just letting it all blow away, right out of my mind. It helped a little. Got home, send him an e-mail saying I agreed to the break-up. Which I didn't of course. I miss him. Memories flash into my head every time I think of nothing. I must keep busy, I know I must. But not today. Tried to see my favourite movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but it reminded me too much of my relationship with him. Couldn't finish watching it. Stupid Hope monster. I HATE YOU. Go out of my head! GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK!! Almost feel like Smeagol trying to chase away Gollum... I will not hope for miracles which I know will never happen. I won't. NO, I won't. He is gone and will never come back. Must keep reminding me to that.
Author MrsPeaSoup Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 So.. today no movies, just trying to keep busy. NC, why is it so hard? Why can't he just pick up that darn phone and phone me to say he loves me and misses me? LOL Hope monster again. Just found out that LS works quite therapeutic, don't you think? Reading other people's stories, feeling that you're not alone in this, coping, sharing your advices/thoughts/feelings. Yet it still is rather depressing to know that sooo many people are going through the same emotions as you are right know. How can love be special again? I know I'm young, 19 years old, and everyone keeps reminding me that I'm a nice girl, quite pretty, knows what she wants and all that bla and they keep saying that 'oh, I will meet other guys, I will find true love again' or 'It's just because you're so young that everything seems so much harder, that the world seems to be falling apart'. Yeah, thanks for that you guys. Really wanted to hear that.. not..... True love. It's funny how you think you've found it, how you thought you were so blessed to already have found it at this age. Guess not heh. Only happens in movies. Not Fair. A friend of mine once said: "Nothing is as treacherous as the human being". Must not hope for miracles to happen. I know they won't.
nobmagnet Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 :love: Firstly darling dont ever feel your age doenst make you feel exactly the way others feel no no no. age has no dampener or excellerant to pain and how we feel. Take heart my sweet we do understand you pain because it is your pain. its good to understand you are never alone in pain. That others around you are going thro it too. But one thing we all have here on LS is the ability to try to help others in which way we can......YOU included. love is love....pain is pain. wether you have only been on two dates or been together for 60+ years. I witnessed it first hand with my Grandad when Grannie passed away. His pain and feeling of loss is almost identical to the loss of a relationship. The difference being we still have them around us. She was gone forever. dont ever belittle your feelings. They are real and justified. all i will suggest (and i tell myself this too) that you look at the bigger picture........the oppertunities you now have that maybe you didnt have before. Look at the positive aspects and get out there when you are ready. Life is good. and yes at times its really poo! big hugs Nobbyxx
cdt76 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Unfortunately you are at an age where you get to learn to cope with things like this. You get to learn about yourself and how to survive and how to overcome and battle for your place. It is not easy. It is not fun. Love lost hurts no matter the age. Be thankful that you get to experience this now because you will later use this knowledge to weed out the unworthy, dismiss the ones that do not meet the standard, and raise your bar to higher expectations of how you want to be treated. Love does come around more than once in a lifetime, it just doesn't not come right away. Be strong.
Author MrsPeaSoup Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Thank you very, very much Nobby and cd I know you're probably right, but it is allways good to hear it from outsiders. The reason I posted this was to sort of create an outlet for my feelings, not really expecting any reactions, but I feel blessed you have. Thanks again, xxx MrsPeaSoup
cdt76 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 You need an outlet for your feelings. I've been here for over six months. Some days not at all, other days all day. Just know you don't have to find that ONE guy right away. Take your time. Date, see what's out there. Find a good match. Don't settle just to not be lonely.
ginyi1111 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I am telling myself the same thing as well. Everyday my head is telling me that he will not be coming back and there will be this darned voice that whispers in my ear 'Maybe he is missing you as much as you miss him. Maybe he wants to come back to you...' It's totally doing my head in, it's been 4 months and the hope is still there... The best thing that we can do is remember they choose to leave, they no longer want this and we do not want to be with someone that gives up on us. ROAR!!
Author MrsPeaSoup Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Think you're right ginyi, they choose to leave us. I see it this way: by giving them that freedom you enrich yourself. Don't worry CD, I'm not getting lonely. Maybe I feel lonely atm, but my plan is to find a dorm real soon (upcoming week) and move to the new city. Start a new life there. ------------- BTW: On the day of the break up I couldn't eat at all. Never had that before, was pretty amazed by this at that time (still am now, I mean I LOVE good food). Day after ditto.. Day after ditto. Then I got sick: stomach upset and all. AFter this a whole train of bad luck happened all at once: -Break up -Ill - Laptop broke down on me - Bike got stolen (And you know how much we use bikes in Holland!). What's up with all the bad luck coming all at the same time? Anyone knows?
Author MrsPeaSoup Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 (edited) Today: Plants. I'm at my grandparent's house. I helped my grandmother planting lovely violets and lavender. It helps. Plants are quiet and do not need as much as we do; some earth, water and sunlight will do the trick. They are nice Want to get back asap to sow more seeds in our organic garden back home. ** Today I feel much better, maybe because I finally slept a bit more regularly and didn't woke up too much in the middle of the night? But hey, you know what I feel like? My ex is going to regret breaking up with me, cuz you know what: I know I'm perfect for him. HA! Oh boy, he's going to regret this for the rest of his life! I knew why he liked me in the first place: I was some kind of mystery for him. Finally a girl who wasn't acting like some sort of Barbie doll and had a sense of excitement and mystery around her. + she enjoyed so much the little things in life... ROAR! Shame on you, Robert, for breaking up with me! EDIT: took out some grammar faults Edited April 3, 2010 by MrsPeaSoup
Author MrsPeaSoup Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 My ex send me this e-mail just a moment ago, which I tried to translate from Dutch to English for you: Hey, The reason why I didn't send anything or didn't let me hear from me is because I wasn't over you. It did too much pain, and at the time I thought the only best option was to break up, because the relationship didn't work for us (or at least for me). I didn't want to tell you at that time because I feared you'd try to talk me out of it and would try to make things better. I think if you'd done that I could not have said no. The first time (with the break up) already shred my heart into pieces. If I've made the right decision (for as long something like this actually can be a right or wrong one)? I think so, but at that time it really didn't matter. Even if it was the wrong descision I didn't want to see it at that time, I would have hold on to the thought that it WAS a right descision to be sure it would not just be me who missed a warm body with a nice personality. I send you this e-mail right now, because I can live my life a bit normal again with knowing that I've said no to you. If I read the e-mail you've send me I can only think "She tries to convince herself that she agrees with the break up but in her heart she knows/feels that she doesn't agree with it". Maybe it's just a thought to boost my own ego. I hope I'm wrong on this one, because then this e-mail will be less hard on you. I'm happy with the peace I've got. Not allways trying to solve the fights, the communication that wouldn't work and not that immense pain because I didn't know how to solve all the problems. These things are the real causes that suppressed my love and then just took it away. Have a beautifull life and maybe I'll see you one day. With kind regards, Robert. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- :lmao::lmao: AND I WAS JUST DOING SO WELL!! At the moment I'm just freaking out. PLeaseee help me on this one. Does this e-mail REALLY means it's over, forever???! I mean, he first said things such as if I'd tried to win his heart at the time I would probably have succeed, and that it was the fights and all that which supressed his love for me. I cannot believe the love is really gone, I mean He was the one who allways said we were meant for each other. I know that I can't make it work right now, but I AM slowly healing from this and I AM having new perspectives on the relationship and I KNOW NOW that if we would begin again we would not have so many fights as we used to have and I think I could improve the communication from my part really a lot. OK: my question: Is this really over over and do I stay in NC forever or do I have to focuss on first get myself back together, improver my own life, before I try to initiate contact again with the goal for a reconciliation? I'd appreciate to not only hear: NC NC NC is the way to go, but really some advice. Otherwise it wouldn't leave much room for discussion, right? PLEASE: HELP ME ON THIS ONE!!
Author MrsPeaSoup Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 I feel like crying, shouting, swearing, punching, jumping, running, spinning, bashing: TOTAL CHAOS. WHAT DO I DO???!!! I want him back. I WANT him back. If I just remain to focuss on my own life, try to improve that. Once I'm happy and confident with my own life again, should I innitiate contact again? Take it reaaallll slowly on the love part, but try to win him back?! I know that if I try to do this now, it will turn out to be a fiasco, total disaster. Because I am not ready for this right now. I need to focuss on myself. BUT once I'm past that point, will there be any hope for a reconciliation? I mean, I know what made him fall in love with me, so why not try to 'use' that again some day in the future?
Tamia78 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 OK: my question: Is this really over over and do I stay in NC forever or do I have to focuss on first get myself back together, improver my own life, before I try to initiate contact again with the goal for a reconciliation? Unfortunately, it sounds from reading the email that it is over. My advice is to focus on getting yourself back together because improving your life is a good thing. The thing is, work on yourself for YOU, not because of some misguided hope that someday you will get back together. You are stressing yourself out way too much. It's not worth it, I know from experience. I'd appreciate to not only hear: NC NC NC is the way to go, but really some advice. Otherwise it wouldn't leave much room for discussion, right? I understand that might not be what you want to hear, but you asked for advice.................and it sounds like it's already been given. You know what you need to do, but you just won't do it. Look how much pain you're in right now. You don't need to hurt like that anymore. Sorry but..........NC NC NC is the way to go. --T
Author MrsPeaSoup Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 Thank you for the reply. Today I don't feel panic any longer. I feel peace. The e-mail actually brought me peace. It confirmed my thoughts that we were not to be together any longer. Various personal reasons support my thought, but I know it is true. We were a good match, we would still be a good match, but time was not on our hand. It ran against us. That is all. I think I can move on now. Ready to focuss on myself. Thank you, LS, you've helped me a lot. xx MrsPeaSoup
Author MrsPeaSoup Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 OK so, few days later: peace is still there, but another feeling has crept inside of me. I still have this feeling that I actually am able to live without him and that I know I will be perfectly fine. But, recently I got this strange feeling I can't get rid of. I've got this feeling that he is waiting for me to contact him. How is that possible? Everyday I feel more and more sure of it. It feels as if he really wants me to contact him, so he can lower his guard and maybe see how great we were together. It's not as if I have made this feeling up, just to make myself feel better (or worse?), but it's as if I know that he's waiting for me. Gosh, can you give me some advice on this? What to do with it?
Author MrsPeaSoup Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 The whole burning inside of my heart is back again: away with the peace. I think I have to start all over again... I crave to contact him, I crave to hear how he's doing. Even if it means I only get to hear that he doesn't love me any more.. Idk. I really don't know. Why did I let the hope monster come into my heart for one tiny minute??? Now I got that stupid stupid stupid idea that He wants me to reach him! And what do I do? I start thinking about it!! WHY?! I just wished someone could tell me he still loves me... That if I go to him he'll take me back right away or that if I give him space he'll see how much he misses me... No this is not reality, I know. But it's freakin' hard to realise this again and again. But what if I still have this tiny chance and if I do NOTHING I certainly will blow everything away??? I will never forgive myself that, that's for sure... I just want to beg for a magic pill: A pill that'll tell me right away what people are thinking: are REALLY thinking. ......
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