Author VertexSquared Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 (edited) jerbear: How so? Oh! BTW jerbear, I totally switched to a new job over here, hahah. Also: I feel like I just had a huge wave of "you idiot!" wash over me. I think I need to just honestly not care what happens when I enter a conversation. Perhaps that's the real problem: I want everyone to like me. What I am really worrying about is how to act and what to say that will mesh well with their personality, which is hard for me to do, naturally, when I don't know the person all too well yet. And it doesn't really work for me to try to act like someone I'm not, either. If I stop caring, then if I feel an impulse to touch, I could touch. If I wanted to tell someone I liked them, I could tell them. Maybe just not caring and/or not feeling apologetic for my own feelings/opinions/words would help? If people don't like what I have to offer, then is it really a huge deal? I guess it was a huge deal to me if they were friends that I valued to begin with -- i.e. I didn't want to ruin something that was already good. I guess I'll find out today how things go. I am getting together with this girl again, but it's a group setting this time. I won't hit on her, but I can at least try to experiment with not caring. When I am drunk I can do this more easily, and that's because I'm not thinking so much and not caring. My head is getting in the way of everything, lol. Edited April 2, 2010 by VertexSquared
carhill Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Troggle had some good advice. Get CBT. I did. It helped a lot. I had similar issues when younger. You can do it now or in your 40's like I did and waste all those years. Simple advice: Less talk, more walk. Feel the process of attraction and romance; don't 'think' it or 'analyze' it. Turn off the computer (that's your cognitive mind) and walk outside into the sunlit wonderful world. It's OK that people don't like you or find you romantically attractive. *YOU* like you. Anyone else who likes you is a bonus; a gift in your life.
CLC2008 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Yes, I can relate, on all fronts. I hate using the phone, too, haha. The problem is, again, I don't know *how* to improve or head towards a certain direction. All that happens when I "put myself out there" is fail. It's like telling a turtle that if he jumps off enough cliffs, he'll figure out how to fly eventually. I need to figure out how to make some wings, so to speak, even if they're not truly "mine." I think you're just not used to being the pursuer, because from what you've said, most women have approached you and you really haven't had to do anything in that regard. So, to go from that, is new to you. As for the drinking thing, everyone becomes less inhibited under those circumstances. And I echo Pandagirls advice. My nature is shy and reserved, but there are times when I am assertive but it's something that I've had to work on over the years. I had a fear of flying, I overcame it. I had a fear of driving, I overcame it. A few years ago, I took an acting class and I remember the teacher telling us that we'd have to get up and act out a play, I froze in my seat and wanted to dart for the door. I was actually paralyzed with fear and I probably looked like a deer caught in headlights. But I did it, and it felt really good. Just try to not say things like "holy poop" when you're around people, it could raise a few red flags .
MalachiX Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Don't worry Vertex. One day you're going to meet someone who is so perfect that you'll just have to get passed your shyness and be the aggressive one. She'll be smart, pretty, independent, and complete you in every way. When that day comes, the words will simply come to you like magic. You'll look deep into her beautiful eyes and say..."If only you were Asian."
jerbear Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 jerbear: How so? Oh! BTW jerbear, I totally switched to a new job over here, hahah. Congrats on the new job. I'm looking for one also. I should be updating my resume but here helping you. Their mentality is more open compared to say DC or NYC. NYC is disposable and DC is I'm working with long title. Boston is more down to earth, yet driven, energetic, happy. Almost like CA women, more open to different ideas and open to "mixing." Also: I feel like I just had a huge wave of "you idiot!" wash over me. I think I need to just honestly not care what happens when I enter a conversation. Perhaps that's the real problem: I want everyone to like me. What I am really worrying about is how to act and what to say that will mesh well with their personality, which is hard for me to do, naturally, when I don't know the person all too well yet. And it doesn't really work for me to try to act like someone I'm not, either. If I stop caring, then if I feel an impulse to touch, I could touch. If I wanted to tell someone I liked them, I could tell them. Maybe just not caring and/or not feeling apologetic for my own feelings/opinions/words would help? If people don't like what I have to offer, then is it really a huge deal? I guess it was a huge deal to me if they were friends that I valued to begin with -- i.e. I didn't want to ruin something that was already good. I guess I'll find out today how things go. I am getting together with this girl again, but it's a group setting this time. I won't hit on her, but I can at least try to experiment with not caring. When I am drunk I can do this more easily, and that's because I'm not thinking so much and not caring. My head is getting in the way of everything, lol. What I'm thinking is you think to much and the thinking is a block for you. I truly understand. I am still going through what you are experiencing. Sometimes a girl will noticed me and I would be oblivious or the other way around. The thing is to be yourself and just do it! You want to touch her (non-perverted way, thank you!) you just touch her. If you want to kiss her, just do it. Don't think to much. If you like you can even tell her that you will kiss her and then go right in. It is the not caring about the consequences. Have a drink if you have to but don't over do it and count on alcohol to loosen you up. The other thing you can do is try improv comedy or karaoke. That will REALLY either break or make you. It will make you seem funny and loosen you up. Either one, she'll tell you to keep your day job while she laughs at you! :lmao:
bolase Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I appreciate the good intentions but again this type of advice doesn't apply to me -- I can go make mistakes countless times, but it doesn't mean I'm actually capable of figuring out the *right* way of doing things as a result of failure. I've got 23 years of social awkwardness that clearly isn't going away. My friends could introduce me to hundreds of girls, and I'd probably strike out with most of them because of my tendencies. I'm not trying to say "I'm perfect," but just that I have a lot going for me -- unfortunately those things aren't enough to offset the factors that cause the shyness. Despite accepting my strengths and flaws, it's not like it's going to magically make me social. I'm only judgmental when it comes to what I want in a woman -- I don't look at anyone negatively on an inherent-basis because they possess or lack some given trait (of course, this is not without exceptions: Infidelity, dishonesty, cruelty, etc). I am fairly picky with what I want in a woman, but I would not say this is "judgmental." I don't think wanting an intelligent, affectionate woman is a shallow/judgmental thing. The only "quirky" preference of mine would be the Asian thing, but I think this is only because I find the physical features disproportionately attractive (and I empirically find that such women *typically* fit what I'm looking for in terms of personality/intelligence/etc. Call it racist -- I call it statistical correlation and higher chance of congruency from expected value). At any rate, simply focusing on goals and keeping my eyes on the prize isn't optimal for me, I feel. There are clearly underlying issues and irrational learned tendencies of mine that I need to shake, but I'm not sure where they are/how to properly pinpoint them/how to circumvent those issues and re-acquire better traits to replace them. I think your problem is that you want to be perfect, you don't want to strike out, you want to succeed with women, obviously have done but were so bummed by this one encounter where you failed. Get over the failure thing, by trying harder! Focusing on goals is the only positive way of doing this IMO. By saying you have irrational issues you are describing a problem and as another poster said, fulfilling your own prophecy. you HAVE had success with chicks,, youre just a bit shy, maybe its an american thing to self-analyse and think these kind of things are best "solved" by analysing yourself further with the help of a therapist. I disagree, you have everything you need to keep living, being happy, it's time that will help you, and time will go faster if you keep trying and failing and not self-analysing. Then you just work yourself into a state. But here you are, doing pretty good at life. You need an adrenaline rush
bolase Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 PS you don't make mistakes to figure out the "right way" in dating! Dating is messy. You do it, in your case, to get over shyness and perfectionism. And yes it takes time, some more than others, just because youre 23 and sjy doesnt mean you won't feel heaps more comfortable with women in a year of increased experience, more varied experiences.
Recommended Posts