VertexSquared Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Okay, background for those that need it: 23 year old male living in NYC The girl: 24 year old girl, roommate of my friend that lives a street over from me. We're both from similar colleges and we work similar careers. Last night she and I went to an event together (we are friends but I have a crush on her) and wound up getting drunk. We wound up taking the long way back to the subway, but she was basically hanging on my arm the whole time and being very touchy, as we flirted/bantered/generally had a fun time (this is normally VERY, VERY hard for me to do when sober because I am otherwise extraordinarily shy, but with her it was so natural -- she always laughs at my jokes and the physical chemistry was great). We discussed our experiences with dating lately/work/relationships/etc. On the train she basically bear-gripped me, both arms around my torso, my arm around her, her head on my chest. On multiple occasions she called me "honey." The entire night was quite endearing, and at one point we basically found that we both wanted very similar things out of a relationship. However, she's generally into older men, and said "Oh [Vertex], why can't you be just a few years older?" but later admitted that I was very mature for my age (I've been self-sufficient for a long time). However, the alcohol gave me the guts to admit to her that I liked her, but knew she was into older men. She seemed a bit surprised, but generally gave me a "Thank you/that means a lot actually," and as we reached her apartment to part ways, she asked me for a hug and so I obliged. I later texted her saying "Sorry if I freaked you out," to which she replied this morning, "Good morning nope no you didn't, and I prefer you vocal thanks for going with me" (I am a very shy guy and only when I am tipsy do I open up and act supersocial/vocal/uninhibited). But we had a great night -- now I am worried, however. I don't want to make the friendship awkward if that's what it comes down to, but at least she now knows where I am coming from. Regardless, I can't tell if there's a possible relationship here or if she's sticking to her guns about age even though we're very compatible (in my opinion). We're both very smart, loving, successful people with honest intentions but a general frustration at how it seems difficult to find the right person here in the city. I'm just not sure what to make of this situation and what I should do from here. Was it probably just alcohol that made her affectionate? Do you think there's a chance at pushing this forward?
DustySaltus Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 From what you've said it seems like when you opened up to her she would've said, "What took you so long"?, when you told her you liked her if she felt the same. You had a big hint when she said "why couldn't you be a few years older". She sees you as a friend and it sucks. Yes, the friendship will be awkward because your feelings have been made known. There are only two ways this situation is going to play out. Either you disappear because I'm sure you don't want to be the friend who is the "shoulder to cry on". OR she has a change of her and you go on your merry way.
sullysteve Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 When a girl you're romantically interested in talks to you about dating/relationships in general, it's a bad sign. Those conversations happen between friends.
123BeachFan Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I think she's Friend Zoning you. The Older Guy excuse is just that. One year age difference is negligible, no girl would see that as a Deal Breaker. When you confessed your feelings, if she were interested, she would have given you something here. Like "I've liked you too." Or, "Really? You should ask me out sometime." Something along those lines.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Regarding the age thing, no, she's legitimately attracted to older men, just as I am legitimately attracted to Asian females. Lotta evidence to substantiate both of these things. It's just that I happen to be one year behind her instead of being older than she is. It was just weird because the entire night she was so touchy/affectionate/complimentary/etc, and when we talked about relationships we both basically wanted the same things (even when it comes down to tiny details like school/background/etc). The minor details were in place, the chemistry was there, etc.
Yamaha Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Sorry but she sees u as a safe guy. (friend) I would just accept the friendship, if you can, and look for love elsewhere.
phineas Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 When a girl you're romantically interested in talks to you about dating/relationships in general, it's a bad sign. Those conversations happen between friends. I'm 50/50 on this. I've had women I knew start conversations about dateing / relationships & next thing I knew she was jumping my bones. But it was talking to these women in a casual group setting. not in a date setting like OP.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Goddamnit, did I seriously just **** this up? This was *exactly* what I *didn't* want happening, and it's why I rarely make moves anymore. Son of a...
sweetjasmine Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Goddamnit, did I seriously just **** this up? No. You didn't.
Yamaha Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 It's probably ur shyness that is keeping u in the friendzone. U have to overcome it and when you see an attractive female that you want to date have fun and flirt like mad. She will respect you as a man not a boy. Shyness is a curse for lots of men. Work at it so it doesn't cripple you, socially.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 It's probably ur shyness that is keeping u in the friendzone. U have to overcome it and when you see an attractive female that you want to date have fun and flirt like mad. She will respect you as a man not a boy. Shyness is a curse for lots of men. Work at it so it doesn't cripple you, socially. She was very complimentary when I was not shy. She said I was "a very awesome and fun person who should 'be more vocal like this' more often," but it's just so hard to do when I can't let loose and just blame alcohol, you know?
Author VertexSquared Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 How do I correctly handle the situation? Just act as if I did not say anything and only discuss it if she brings it up?
Yamaha Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 U seem to think it is wrong 4 a man to see women as sexually attractive. If you let them think u want to be friends then that is what you will become. Learn to look women in the eye and let them see the admiration in ur gaze. Don't act apologitic 4 being a man. By thinking u have something to offer a women more then friendship ur value will increase in their eyes.
MalachiX Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 You don't seem to want to hear what people on the thread are trying to explain to you. SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN YOU ROMANTICALLY!!! For whatever reason, you're just a friend to her. A cute and cuddly friend she can be physically affectionate to when she feels like being lovey-dovey but not one she wants to actually date. Just like there are men who use women for easy sex, there are women who use men for easy affection. The reason she's chosing to use you for easy affection is because you're the safe guy. Another guy might jump her bones when she's drunk then not call her and make her feel miserable. She's knows you're not going to do that so it's safe. I'm not trying to sound judgmental of you or her. As a fellow shy guy, I know how it is to be the "safe guy" and to hope that being a friend can lead to more. It WON'T. I've never had a friendship like the one you describe turn into anything more than a friendship. A woman isn't going to be interested in you unless you challenge her in some way (the same way it's hard for me to really fall for a woman if she doesn't challenge me). You're not challenging, you're not exciting, your not dangerous if you're her shy friend who's always there for her. There's no happy ending where she realizes she was looking for you all along (at least not until she's in her 30s). The movies lied to you. As for what you should do, I think you should decide what you want. If you value the friendship and don't mind that you'll never be more, don't talk about what happened and just continue as usual. Stay friends with this girl and maybe she'll be able to show you how to be less shy or hook you up with one of her friends. Woman aren't going to date someone they've labled "just a friend" but they will try to help shy-guy friends out and get them laid (don't ask me why). If you can't deal with the relationship as it is then just don't see her as much. Don't act weird or cut contact but just don't be as available. Don't be a guy for her to talk about her romantic issues with. Don't be there for her emotionally if she can't be there for you the way you need emotionally.
sally4sara Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Why not just skip the wondering? Go to her, tell her she has been on your mind none stop since that night. Tell her the older guy rule isn't serving her well; it is clear she should step with you. That you have a long way to go before Alzheimers removes the thought of her from your mind and you will beat any guy who comes sniffing around with his walker till she gives you a chance. You will at least get a laugh out of her. Try to smell good and stand in the rain with a boombox over your head.
LittleMissWonder Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 How do you fix the situation? Stop showing so much interest in her. It will make her wonder why you lost interest. Pretend that there are other women that you are interested in, but don't be obvious about it.
boogieboy Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Stop talking to her, you had no chance with her. Never did, so you didnt mess anything up. She told you so. Find another girl to make moves on. Next time, dont let a girl hang all over you like that until youve kissed her first. Dont think that just because a woman calls you honey that it means anything.
Author VertexSquared Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 (edited) Stuff like this pisses me off and is exactly why I am so shy in the first place. Apparently friendly gestures = usually friendly Apparently "romantic" gestures = may not actually be romantic Apparently "affectionate" gestures = may not imply anything romantic either It's like signs/gestures/hints are useless and may not indicate anything at all whatsoever. How on earth am I supposed to tell what's what? Is the only way to show interest anymore is to either be superdirect and/or jump their bones out of nowhere? It seems as if I have to just assume ALL gestures are friendly and that nobody is ever interested -- but this assumption is what makes me so shy to begin with. I'm really getting tired of being told that "I have the perfect recipe" when it's clearly not so. I really, really, really don't want to become one of those "bitter" men, but I feel like the one way to gain one's affections anymore is to act like you don't actually want them. It's a stupid psychological game. Edited April 1, 2010 by VertexSquared
boogieboy Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Dude, you cant get frustrated when you read the wrong signs at the wrong time. You cant make an assessment of her interest in you if shes drunk. You gotta learn how to read if a womans interested in you. First of all, and I bet your girl didnt do this, she has to show interest in who you are. By asking questions about you. Thats the first thing.
AbAeterno Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Why didn't you ask her to come in? Or at least kiss her before you said good night? After a night full of physical contact and great conversation, all she gets is a hug? Man, you are practically begging to be friend-zoned. That is such an idiotic thing to say! She had a great time - why would she be freaked out?? But now that you mentioned it, she's probably thinking: "hmmm, what an odd thing to say - this guy is weird, maybe I should be freaked out!" Your are totally sabotaging your own efforts. Who cares about this "friendship". If I was you, I'd be more concerned about finally losing my virginity. You could be older than Hugh Hefner and still wouldn't score with chick. Your problem is not age - it's the fact that you keep shooting yourself in the foot. Go get drunk with her again and make a move. If it doesn't work, oh well. At least you tried. Alternate account here. Problem is that she IS a friend that I've known for a few months now. I don't want to make an obvious move if it's just going to backfire and lose me a friend, which will probably lead to losing a group of friends since that particular group likes to hang out together (and therefore it'd become awkward for the two of us to be in the same group).
Author VertexSquared Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 The reason why I texted that to her was because, again, we were friends. Usually there's a risk of being secretly freaked out when your friend admits they like you.
alphamale Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I'm just not sure what to make of this situation and what I should do from here. tell her you can't just be "friends" with her. its either all or nothing Was it probably just alcohol that made her affectionate? could be Do you think there's a chance at pushing this forward? only if you do what i say above. if she doesn't want to date then break off the friendship
Author VertexSquared Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 only if you do what i say above. if she doesn't want to date then break off the friendship This is kinda what I wanted to avoid. Perhaps I am after the impossible, here.
alphamale Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 This is kinda what I wanted to avoid. Perhaps I am after the impossible, here. well then its the friendszone for you VertexSquared
boogieboy Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Youre not her "friend" if youre trying to get a relationship. Stop trying to fool yourself. If she really was a "friend", when you tried to make a move, all you'd have to do is say sorry, I read you wrong. She'd forgive you, and you'd still be friends. But you still have to make the move.
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