An argument that started with towels

[ohbisto]

Last night my boyfriend came home from work, we've been together 18 months and living together for 8 months. I had stuck a load of towels into the wash. He realised that I had put ALL the towels in (they were all filthy) and got mad because he wanted a shower that night and the towels wouldn't be dry enough for him to use.

So far, so typical, we have little fights about housework every now and then so I didn't think much of it. But after a while of him sitting there in silence he says we should take a break.

This hit me as kind of a shock because while I know my SO is kinda high maintenance about housework, I seriously didn't expect a break up chat over a pile of bloody towels!

 

Of course, it wasn't just the towels. He reveals to me that him and his mum had had an argument about us a few weeks back, his mum feels like he's taking the piss out of me, and that I love him more than he loves me. his words were along the lines of "it scares me that you would bend over backwards for me, and it scares me that I take advantage of that"

 

I "bend over backwards" for him because I love him, I asked him where his mother got the idea that he was taking the piss out of me, we only see her every couple of months so she doesn't know what goes on with us in the every day. Only we know, and I know that he doesn't take the piss. I let him get away with videogame binges because I know he enjoys them, same way he doesn't mind if I disappear for the day round my friend's house and come home late stinking of wine.

 

I'm just really confused as to why he's feeling like this. Our relationship isn't as good as it once was due to several reasons (our sex life has taken a back seat recently due to some health problems, I'm mad because I can't handle feeling like crap when I've got possible cysts on my ovaries. another worry for another day) I've really lost my confidence sexually recently and he's noticed this, but it doesn't help when he points out how I don't try to turn him on anymore or whatever. I tried to explain that it's hard to turn someone on when you feel like crap and are in constant pain.

 

We do work hard, however, on us. When we have a disagreement, we tend to work it out. We worked out this argument last night but I still can't help feeling hurt. I don't feel like he takes advantage on me in the slightest, I still fully believe that what we have is a partnership. but when I told him last night that I love him and sadly I would do anything for him he got mad and said "that's not what a relationship is supposed to be like". I dunno, does he want me to be more independent or something? I really don't get it.

 

What I'm most hurt about is the "I think you love me more than I love you" comment. I'm going to address this tonight as I can't shake it from my head. How am I supposed to do that? When we went to sleep last night we hugged for ages and he reassured me that he loved me, but I just can't stop thinking about that comment. How am I supposed to take this? How can I address this? It's giving me such a headache.

 

Sorry for the huge wall o text, TL;DR Boyfriend said "I think you love me more than I love you and that scares me" and it scares ME.

 

Also Hello and thanks in advance x

[Ms. Joolie]

There's a lot going on for you. I hear:

 

petty argument issues

BF talking about taking a 'break'

BF video game resentment... lol

health issues

sex life issues

mom issues

relationship questions

stinky wine habit issues.... lol

 

 

On top of all that is a nice bundle of stress! In fact, that's what I get most out of your post... a lot of stress and worry and anxiety. Why don't you do something good for you today? Something special, something to relax you, something that will calm yourself down. Get focused on what's really going on in your life. Get yourself in a positive mood and then begin taking the responsibility over all the above things bit by bit.

 

That's my TLC for you. I have no idea why your BF is flipping out. If that were my BF, I'd just let him do what he's going to do, let him go through whatever he needs to go through. Let's not worry about what he's going to do. Instead we can focus on taking care of our half of the relationship. That's all we can do, all we're suppose to do. He decides his half and you can't control that. You have to let it be, let him decide his place. You want someone who chooses and commits to a relationship with you, but you can't force them into a relationship.

 

So just be you. Love him. Love the relationship. Let things happen. Let go of the worry. Stay strong. Be positive.

 

 

We never know what's going to happen in our relationships. We just do our parts and keep going. You know?

[ohbisto]

Thanks, I don't know how to word this properly, but that's really calming advice (if that makes sense?!)

 

you hit the nail on the head with your list, one of the points that came up last night is that he was scared about where we were going, it's both our first "proper" relationship (in that we've been together over a year and live together). He said that he was scared because he's never done this before, I calmly told him that, well, neither had I!

 

he tends to over think and worry a lot. which then leads to arguments like the one last night. It's just who he is and it's all I can do to be there to calm him down and reassure, it's worked so far.

 

As for the mum issues, I honestly didn't think there was any. I get on with his mum brilliantly, she's quite protective of me which is why I think she had a go at my boyfriend, perhaps she doesn't want him to hurt me? I lost my own mother 5 years ago and she's aware of this, we're not best buds but I'm counted as part of the family. so maybe it's a protective thing?

 

As for doing something relaxing for me, the BF's out for dinner with his mum, grandma and auntie (so him vs 3 protective women!) tonight so I'm cosying up with a book and a glass of wine (I'm not a raging alco yet, but I do love a glass!)

 

The videogame thing too, urgh don't get me started. One of the things that have got stagnant in our relationship was wasting weekends with me on the internet and him playing games. This weekend though we're going to a gallery and then a movie, I think the quality time together sharing each other's hobbies will be a breath of fresh air (I'm an artist and he's a comic book nerd, lol)

 

Thanks for the kind words Ms.Joolie, it's hit home. I'm going to try my best to chill out and soldier on, there's no need for two worriers in one relationship is there.

 

x

[Mutant Debutante]

Maybe he's overthinking things and he's a mama's boy whose mama got WAY TOO DEEP into his head.

 

Maybe he just doesn't know anything about how love changes over time, mellows out, which happens in every relationship and will be a problem for him if he can't figure that out.

 

But if someone told me I loved them more than they loved me, I didn't turn them on anymore and they felt like they were taking advantage of me, I would LISTEN. He is telling you exactly what's going on with him, and he's probably tired of working on the relationship all the time, but he likes you a lot and doesn't know how to just rip the bandaid off.

 

It's not as calming as the above advice, sorry, but it's my opinion that you really should be preparing yourself for the end here. Like, figuring out what you want to do next. It's gonna hurt but you'll live through it and come out stronger, like most of the rest of us. Just my opinion though, I'd be happy to be wrong.

[Ms. Joolie]

He said that he was scared because he's never done this before, I calmly told him that, well, neither had I!

 

If he's never had this kind of steady relationship before, I definitely think you should be the one to get secure first and then just share with him your security, your calmness, the comfort of a relationship.

 

 

I'm going to try my best to chill out and soldier on, there's no need for two worriers in one relationship is there.

 

That I think is the best advice, encouragement and attitude you could give yourself right now.

 

Love it.

[ohbisto]

Fair point MD, I have a "backup plan" (a vague idea of what I would do if we broke up, mainly involves sofa surfing) but hopefully I won't need to use it for a long time. It's good to get advice from different ends of the spectrum, so thank you.

 

I feel the need to point out that there isn't a problem of me turning him on (I know how to turn him on, I give him HJs and BJs etc, just that we can't do much with me due to my health problems) he has a problem with the fact I don't try to turn him on anymore. Something I need to address, again this wraps in with my current insecurities, it's hard to get into the mood when I know the sex is going to be painful. but then again it's not about my needs it's about his. It's complex.

 

hell if it were up to me, I'd bury my head in the sand because I'm scared. However that won't solve anything, I'm hoping this weekend together we can try and talk stuff over, to be honest I'm just looking forward to enjoying each other's company.

 

Hopefully it can work out. I love him too much and believe in this relationship. He's my best friend and I couldn't see myself without him, at least for the time being

[Ms. Joolie]

...he's probably tired of working on the relationship all the time, but he likes you a lot and doesn't know how to just rip the bandaid off.

 

Ouch. Who knows what he's going through. It doesn't help to anticipate that he has one foot out the door though. That's just a setup for disaster, adding to the insecurity and stress of what is.

 

He's going to do what he's going to do. It does kind of sound like the stress of the relationship is getting to him for whatever reason. It happens. I'm sure the OP wants him to come out stronger on the other side. I believe she should be there to encourage him to grow in the relationship, not be insecure with him.

 

That is, she's still his partner, and that's who she needs to be. If for whatever reason he backs off or keeps flipping out, that would be an indicator that he's having trouble maintaining his partnership for whatever reason. The OP would need to decide from there what she wants to do.

 

But as of now, they live together, they are still in the relationship. She still wants to make this work, they still love each other.... so why not give into that instead of thinking that he wants to leave and begin that spiral of insecurity, anxiety, and stress again?

 

 

Makes more sense to add to and fortify a relationship that currently exists than to continue thinking/acting against it.

[Mutant Debutante]

That's the way you see it Joolie but she asked a public forum for advice, not just you. I see value in being prepared for the worst even if you don't. He has already asked for a break and told her up front that he thinks she's more into him than he is into her, in my experience that's not exactly a good sign. I'm not saying she needs to panic but I think it hurts more to be blindsided rather than to open your eyes. You think I'm fearmongering and I think you're sugarcoating. Only time will tell.

 

I do wish you luck OP I could tell by your response you know I'm not trying to tear you down here. Trust that whatever happens it is all working out for the best.

[Star Gazer]

Forgive me, but what does "taking the piss out of me" mean?

[ohbisto]

hey MD, like I said I appreciate your advice, it's good to get different views on this. I fully believe that it's good to be realistic, that one day this relationship may end and I need to be prepared for that, I just don't want/think it will end so soon.

 

He did suggest a break when we had our row last night, however the longer we discussed the situation he no longer wanted a break (at one point in the night I got so frustrated I packed a bag ready to leave, giving him his break that he wanted. He didn't want me to leave and we resolved the argument. What I'm worried about the most is how and if I should address the points he raised last night that hurt me, specifically the way his mum thinks that I love him more than he loves me.

 

When he first brought up the break I thought "here we go". like I said, he over thinks and worries, he tends to freak out, then come back with his tail between his legs. What I've learnt from last night and the advice given here is that I should be more concerned over these freak outs. Just, I dunno, be more vocal and encourage him to do the same maybe? so we don't bottle up and then have blowouts.

 

what I'm taking away from the advice you and Joolie have given is to continue as I am, the calm one in the relationship, but to be a bit more assertive with what's going on. I'm hoping to discuss the problems in depth with my bf tonight. This, and hopefully the weekend of "quality time" that's not in front of the telly should help. I hope. Wish me luck.

 

oh star gazer, "taking the piss" usually means to make fun of someone, in the case it means stuff like taking advantage, an example would be someone using someone else for rides and stuff all the time, stuff like that. Lost in translation lol

[Kamille]

My best friend got the "I'm worried you love me more than I love you" line from a guy. She was mostly insulted by this and answered thus: "Okay, fine. Let's assume you're right and I love you more than you love me right now. Two things: 1) So what? and 2) do you think that means I can't live without you?. Because I have news for you buster, yes, I love you, but that doesn't mean I would fall to pieces and never recover if we didn't work out."

 

Six years later, they're married with two kids. He's the one who still talks of her reaction as the best response she could have given to his moment of "self-centered wishy-washiness".

 

edited to add: at the time, he was also wondering if they wouldn't benefit from "taking a break".

[Ms. Joolie]

That's the way you see it Joolie but she asked a public forum for advice, not just you.

 

geez... just having a conversation with your valuable POV. geez.

[Ms. Joolie]

What I'm worried about the most is how and if I should address the points he raised last night that hurt me, specifically the way his mum thinks that I love him more than he loves me.

 

Oh it was HIS MOM who said that! In that case, don't worry over it. It can be taken in so many ways, good or bad.... ask her about it if it really bothers you, but I'd let it go.

 

I understand what the mom said to mean that she thinks her son doesn't love you enough, as you ought to be loved. She's kinda feeling sorry over it, too. That's my interpretation, but who knows. Could be interpreted so many ways, but if it was the mom who said it and not your BF it's not so important, imo.

[threebyfate]

ohbisto, just tell him "You're right. It appears that I'm more into you, than you are, me. A break is a good idea so I can regroup my feeling".

[ohbisto]

Oh it was HIS MOM who said that!

 

yeah, sorry should've been clearer in my OP, it started with him saying his mum said it, and then getting worried that it might be true, then bla bla bla etc etc.

 

 

Kamille, I love your friend's response. I may have to steal it if the conversation comes up again.

[Kamille]

yeah, sorry should've been clearer in my OP, it started with him saying his mum said it, and then getting worried that it might be true, then bla bla bla etc etc.

 

 

Kamille, I love your friend's response. I may have to steal it if the conversation comes up again.

 

Yeah, when he tells the story she says that what annoyed her the most about the comment is that it made it seem like she was some kind of vulnerable, weak, passive and powerless woman who was left at his mercy just because she loved him.

[ohbisto]

Yeah, when he tells the story she says that what annoyed her the most about the comment is that it made it seem like she was some kind of vulnerable, weak, passive and powerless woman who was left at his mercy just because she loved him.

 

Haha, I went for a quick walk after we started arguing, I was muttering under my breath pretty much the exact above. Must have looked mental.

 

thank you for the advice everyone, it's given me a lot to mull over and it's good to get some new perspectives, if I hadn't posted on here I think I would've gotten really wound up and frustrated. Hoping I can sort it all out and make the relationship work better for the both of us, gonna take work but gonna be worth it.

[LittleMissWonder]

If he thinks you love him more than he loves you, he is probably right. If he was certain about you, that thought wouldn't even come up in his head. Even if his mama tried to push it on him.

 

If you want to mean as much to someone as they do to you, you might be better off breaking up with him and finding someone else.

 

He shouldn't get pissed at you for doing the laundry. I mean, big deal. Just wait an hour at most and then take your damn shower. It sounds like you guys have a lot of problems you need to work out if you want to save the relationship.

[boogieboy]

Sounds to me like the lack of sex is where his resentment all started. Now that he is quick to argue, thats usually a sign of hes losing his attraction to you. When your SO starts getting nit picky, then they are losing their attraction. If your health problems dont get better, since youre both young I guess...then it probably wont get better. This would probably all get fixed if you were able to have normal intercourse.

[ADF]

You can be sure the towels had nothing to do with it. It sounds like your BF isn't telling you the whole truth. I don't know what the whole truth is, but I'll bet you haven't heard it yet.

 

There are no "breaks" in relationships. A "break" is nothing but the first step to an eventual breakup. I think your BF has been contemplating breaking up with you for some time. Sadly, like many people, he is all about making this as easy as possible in himself, so he doesn't want to tell you flat out what he is thinking. I would ask him.

[Mutant Debutante]

geez... just having a conversation with your valuable POV. geez.

Your tone was no more conciliatory than mine as you started off telling me that my POV 'didn't help' and was just 'adding to stress'. In fact, my POV is just different from yours, which is all I was trying to say to you.

 

I hope the Op's boyfriend's backpedaling means he is really just overthinking things and having an insecure moment, everyone has them and maybe it's going to work out like it did for Kamille's friend. But I have seen a lot of girls try to read different meaning into it when their guys were straight up telling them they weren't in it for the long haul, girls who kept thinking that they just needed to work harder, talk more, and everything would be magic. They weren't hearing what their guys were telling them, maybe because they didn't want to. I have been that girl, too. In my opinion guys are not as mysterious as girls sometimes think they are. If a nice man is telling you that he doesn't want to take advantage of you because he doesn't love you the way you love him (even if that's not exactly what the bf here was saying) I think it makes more sense to pay attention to what he's saying than to what you wish it might mean, like he's afraid or overanalytical or whatever.

 

I know the mom brought it up first but I think that the bf wouldn't get so spun by his mom if he wasn't already thinking it too. So. That would be an issue for me. It definitely wouldn't make me feel warm and fuzzy, but maybe that's just me.

 

Op it seems like you're taking a balanced look at this so that's good. I just don't want you to be blindsided if it doesn't work out the way you want it to. Living with people is hard and the first year is sometimes a make or break.

[2sunny]

If he thinks you love him more than he loves you, he is probably right. If he was certain about you, that thought wouldn't even come up in his head. Even if his mama tried to push it on him.

 

If you want to mean as much to someone as they do to you, you might be better off breaking up with him and finding someone else.

 

He shouldn't get pissed at you for doing the laundry. I mean, big deal. Just wait an hour at most and then take your damn shower. It sounds like you guys have a lot of problems you need to work out if you want to save the relationship.

 

i agree. if you did the towels - a normal man would be GRATEFUL that you did the laundry - not critical. he seems terribly mean.

 

he also tells his Momma WAY more than you think he does... this is not good since he's willing to cover up how much he may or may not be telling. why wouldn't he be honest about talking to her? why would it need to be a secret? for that - i wonder, and i don't like it.

 

his Mom is probably right. you deserve better. you want a man that's willing to swim through shark infested waters for you - not a man that criticizes you for doing chores.

 

i think he's generally looking selfish and self centered. this you can't fix... time to move forward and save yourself a bundle of more pain. he'll only get more mean as time goes along... this is his way of trying to piss you off enough to go away.

 

trust me - i've seen it many times - it's not going to look pretty. save your self respect and leave now.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think it is time to get your head and heart prepared. It sounds like he is setting you up for a breakup.

 

Kind of cheap to bring his mom into it as if that is supposed to give weight to his arguments.