how2forgive&2forget Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 My ex did a number on me. I had low self-esteem to begin with, and he destroyed what remained of it. He did his best to put me down, would laugh at my efforts. He cheated on me several times with different girls....I always took him back. I guess I just have no respect for myself. So I left him.....but I feel sorry for him? Is this normal? We sat in his car yesterday, and for the very first time I saw genuine tears in his eyes. I wanted to give him a big hug and tell him everything is going to be okay. I feel like my heart is exploding. (BTW, LTR, we lived together, unmarried)
Spark1111 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I think it is normal to feel empathy for anyone we have loved that is now in pain. But it is harder to distinguish empathy from co-dependency and you making any decision to return to a man who treated you like garbage. He MAY be sincerely sorry, but has he changed? Has he gotten therapy to figure out why he destroyed his relationship with you in the most hurtful manner? You can be friendly....just don't allow him to manipulate your empathy into a repeat performance of this mess. Make it clear you are not interested in resuming the relationship. Be careful here.
Disintegration Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I think it is normal to feel empathy for anyone we have loved that is now in pain. But it is harder to distinguish empathy from co-dependency and you making any decision to return to a man who treated you like garbage. He MAY be sincerely sorry, but has he changed? Has he gotten therapy to figure out why he destroyed his relationship with you in the most hurtful manner? You can be friendly....just don't allow him to manipulate your empathy into a repeat performance of this mess. Make it clear you are not interested in resuming the relationship. Be careful here. Wow this was really great advice spark! I think he may be genuine however it does seem like manipulation as well. Who's to say that if/when you reconcile he wont be at it again. If he gets mad will he once again put you down? He definitely needs to put forth the effort and get help because it will just be a cycle. He'll minimize you then cry and get you to feel sorry for him. Turning it around on you instead of really owning up to his faults. Good luck!
GG2W Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Listen to Spark For the present he has last his power over you and that is his reason for tears and remorse. And they maybe truly felt, but as soon as you let him back into your heart his power is renewed and he will be gack to his old ways. Strike one. Strike Two. Strike Three. Will there be a strike four?
ADF Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 It is perfectly normal to be conflicted after a breakup. Just don't give in. This man treated you badly, and he will do so again if you give him the chance.
Jeff1962 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I have to agree with Spark on this one, great advice. I can only add that to the OP that you deserve a faithful, loving, honest partner. Good luck.
Author how2forgive&2forget Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 I think it is normal to feel empathy for anyone we have loved that is now in pain. But it is harder to distinguish empathy from co-dependency and you making any decision to return to a man who treated you like garbage. He MAY be sincerely sorry, but has he changed? Has he gotten therapy to figure out why he destroyed his relationship with you in the most hurtful manner? You can be friendly....just don't allow him to manipulate your empathy into a repeat performance of this mess. Make it clear you are not interested in resuming the relationship. Be careful here. I know this is the best for us. This will enable us to start a new and better life without the drama we both created in our lives. But I just love him so much! And right now I feel like calling him to comfort him, wrap my arms around him. Leaving him seems wrong now. He is actually stronger this time. I left several times before and he never really worried, but yesterday he requested total NC. He was looking at my face like trying to memorize my features...it was weird but yesterday I felt for the firsr time in years that he loves me. I don't know. Love sucks. I was so strong yesterday, so firm in my decision. Where was my resolve today. I feel like I belong to him, that I should be in his bed holding him. I can't do that anymore. He didn't want friendship. He wanted total NC. Thank you guys. I need my strength right now.
seren Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Guard your heart, empathy is usually about putting yourself in someone's shoes and looking at things from their perspective. Can you really do that knowing how he has hurt you in the past? You said he had eroded your self esteem, have to managed to build it up again? Or could it be that you feel you deserve more of the same. I understand you may still love him, but I hope you love yourself more. I long ago gave up on what is normal, it's whatever works for you, your choices based on your understanding of the situation. I would advise you to think with your head and not your heart. Take care of you.
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