Charley Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Hey everyone. you read my my previous thread (Jealous of my boyfriend's slutty past with my friends) and helped me loads with it. (please refer back to it to get the whole story) But im sad to say it has maybe got worse since then. it feels like it is just rotting me from the inside now. The thing is, i just felt compelled to find out what exactly went on in his past sexual acts. none of them were at all caring, he didn't care for them at all, but he told me what i demanded to know and i sure didnt like what I heard. I know i should have just left it but the questions were burning, even though when i found the answers they hurt even more. I mean I asked for EVERY detail, every word spoken before and after, positions, even enjoyment. and even though he didnt actually come with two of the three, which shows it cant have been that good (right??) I still find myself imagining him with them, having sex. Is this truly royally screwed up?? its not a porn thing, obviously, it makes my stomach burn and i feel physically sick imagining him being so intimate with people other than me. The thing is he was always dissing those same girls for being ugly etc, and only did it those three times, all when he was very very drunk/stoned, and all before i was properly with him. but I just cant get these thoughts out of my head, even though he has turned his whole life around to be with me: no drugs, drinking, even smoking. and I am the first person he has ever loved. He is a brilliant boyfriend and i know i am destroying the relationship every time i scream at him for being a slut, and i do love him, but everything reminds me of him and the other girls... sex scenes in films, articles about how losing your virginity to someone makes a 'soul tie' between them, sexy songs about one night stands, everything!!! I feel like my mind is being ripped apart and i dont want to lose him but sometimes i feel like i hate him the pain is so bad.. PLEASE, please help me. Charleygirl
moimeme Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Please see a counsellor. It sounds like you are into a loop of obsessive thinking that you may not be able to break yourself out of. You are in good company, several LSers are having the same problem. You may need some meds to 'unstick' your thoughts. Please do go see about this; you'll be so much happier if you can turn off these thoughts that continue to torture you.
advicegirl Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Wow thats tricky. I don't know, after he was with other people I think I would let him go. Thats not right being with other people. The thing is if you still love him and you really think you can trust him then you go ahead and stay with him. advicegirl
juju Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 i totally know what ur feeling...its like u want to know about his past, its this compulsion inside that makes u want to be the first everything, i do the same, i find myself getting jealous of him and the past girls! its crazy and i hate it, it may not stop u from obsessing but i think it helps to think of how trivial guys youve been with in the past are to u...ya know ? like it feels like it never even happened and im sure it feels like that to him. its hard but live in the now. ur the one he loves and has sex with.
brenbren Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 Hi I can relate but the other half didn't have sex with another. He just teased her and lead her on but it even hurts without them having sex. I have a burning desire to confront this girl and I think of him thinking of her but he's not. I do feel i have a obssessive disorder regarding this subject too. Lets get some counselling! we are young and who needs this sort of **** anyway it can be fixed. My sister in law was sexually abused by her father when she was young. She got hypnotised and now she has not problems she has got passed all the hurt and anger. Please get help I promise I will. let us know and I will let you know how I will go.
Thinkalot Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 Hi, Please read some of my posts. I am one of those other Lshackers moimeme mentioned who suffers obsessive thinking. In my case it revolves around my bf's ex-wife, first marriage/the wedding day itself- me not being the "first" (we have talked of marriage), past sex life etc. I have struggled with it for some time now and it nearly destroyed my relationship. Not long before Christmas my man nearly left me. I have been to a GP and am taking anti-depressants to calm my head down. I was anti them for a long time (being into more alternate remedies) but they ARE helping and I certainly won't be taking them forever. I am seeing a psychologist and using cognitive techniques to attack the thoughts and the need/drive behind the thoughts. I am reading books and saying affirmations. You need to do these things. You may not be able to overcome this without some help. You may not need meds, but try some of the other stuff. This is a real problem and not an easy one to overcome, but it can be done! I am doing it as I write! And my life is getting better, because I am regaining control over the demons in my head!!! My relationship is getting better too! You've had a life before him too, you've been and are someone special in your own right- don't forget that. Live in the present. Accept, also, that you will suffer setbacks as you go down this road. That is normal, and at least setbacks mean you've already made some progress! I have just posted in the self improvement section. Read the stuff I've listed there. PM me if you want any more advice or suggestions, because I REALLY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM! I wish you the best of luck on this journey. Good for you for recognising this as an issue and starting to want to do something about it. You have to accept that your man, and all people, can grow and change, and they are not living in the past anymore! He is with you and loves you now. You cannot undo the past, and even knowing everything about it doesn't help , it can make things worse, as you (and I!) have discovered.
thinking guy Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 I am a guy and think about my girl friends ex sexual partners. One incident in particular happened when she met a guy and then slept with him one weekend at the beach. It seems slutty and cheap. I love her and have moved on (somewhat) but it still stays in my head. I know the past is the past but how do we erase it from our minds? Good luck
Medgirl Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 I also know how you feel and I feel your pain. If you read any of my past posts I also had a problem with my boyfriend's exwife. Not so much his exgirlfriends, just his exwife. I mean, they were together for 10 years. Anyway, I don't know what I did but I seem to have it under control. When school started I started to focus on school so that keeps my mind off of it a bit, and also I talked to him about it. I went all out and told him what was happening. He told me not to be jealous because I too was engaged at one time and have been with about as many people as he has. I'm STILL thinking of going and seeing a councelor though. It's tough stuff girl. I hope you can figure it out.
hedera Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 I just wanted to reply to you and give you some sympathy if not much helpful adivce, because I am in a similar situation. Ever since I found out about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, my normally not too crazy behaviour has become totally over the top and I have tried to search for her on the web (they're not in touch any longer), even go and try to meet her or at least see what she's like. It's a similar story for me, as I try not to think about it but quite a lot of the time I can't seem to help it. I constantly seem to need reassurance from him but whatecer he says only lasts a while before the same things come back in to my head. I was relieved to see your post because it shows I'm not the only one feeling this really pointless jealousy (all I want is to totally erase his past!). Do you have the thing where whenever he talks about something in his past you have to try to find out if it happened when he was with HER? and if so I just go really quiet and don't really respond to him. I'm still dealing with it over a year after it all started (I cried for three days initially), but things HAVE got better: I can talk myself out of it, and telling a few really close friends helped, my closest friend has been really supportive although she thinks I'm a bit odd too. I've seen some replies saying you shoudl see a counsellor and I've thought about it too: it just is really expensive for somthing that is one part of your life (only, I suppose, it isn't: I think I'd find out in counselling what it's all related to (low self-esteem etc) and maybe that's why I resist the idea. i think if it carries on I'll try to do something like that, but I can tell you things have improved. Good luck to you.
noname Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 i think some of the posters are right about the benefits of counseling. but do yourself a big favor, and stop asking questions when you know you are not going to be able to deal with the answers. your focus should be on the present and future and if you keep spending so much energy and wasting time you are going to have a hard way in life. this will turn into a cycle and you will never be comfortable with any person you are with. i hope it works out for you and this guy. but next time, let some things remain private...
Jas Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by hedera Ever since I found out about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, my normally not too crazy behaviour has become totally over the top and I have tried to search for her on the web I can totally relate to this one. Having his ex on his myspace profile gave me all kinds of info and images to torture myself with! I don't even allow myself to go to the site anymore or I'll get consumed. Do you have the thing where whenever he talks about something in his past you have to try to find out if it happened when he was with HER? and if so I just go really quiet and don't really respond to him. Yes, yes and yes. I'm still dealing with it over a year after it all started (I cried for three days initially), but things HAVE got better: I can talk myself out of it Yeah, close to a year here. I think things have gotten a bit better for me, although I still have some random bad thoughts. It doesn't help that he is my first true love (not first bf) and he was with his ex fiance for 4 years, so I feel like I'm so new to this and he's been through it all before. From what you're all saying, it seems counselling is the way to go... My eyes were wide reading these posts though - I too thought I was pretty strange for how obsessive I am. Maybe I still am strange, but at least I'm in good company. Good luck to all of you. We shouldn't be torturing ourselves when we could be enjoying our loving relationships - and we know this!
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