LovelyDaze Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 It's a given that new dumpees come on LS asking if it is okay to just stay friends with an ex RIGHT AFTER a breakup. The answer is clearly NO! You have to let the emotional wounds heal from the breakup and NOT have an agenda to stay friends in the hopes that they will "see the light" and get back with you. Once you couldn't care less who your ex dates is when a friendship can be feasible. Staying connected with the person that hurt you, is not conducive to your healing. It only prolongs the inevitable...more pain(i.e. the ex's new GF/BF, not calling you, not hanging out with you, treating you like an acquaintance, etc.)
bluz73 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 It's a given that new dumpees come on LS asking if it is okay to just stay friends with an ex RIGHT AFTER a breakup. The answer is clearly NO! You have to let the emotional wounds heal from the breakup and NOT have an agenda to stay friends in the hopes that they will "see the light" and get back with you. Once you couldn't care less who your ex dates is when a friendship can be feasible. Staying connected with the person that hurt you, is not conducive to your healing. It only prolongs the inevitable...more pain(i.e. the ex's new GF/BF, not calling you, not hanging out with you, treating you like an acquaintance, etc.) He never asked if we could be friends or ever mentioned future friendship after he left me behind. I still to this day dont understand why he wouldnt want to OR atleast had me for backup...My only guess was he wasnt over me while entering his new relationship and it hurt him too to talk to me or see me.As to why on the last night we talked he couldnt look at me or touch me But you are right..I couldnt talk to him and hear his voice cause when a love is that real old feelings will come up and you may fall inlove all over again and probably someone will get hurt
Author LovelyDaze Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 He never asked if we could be friends or ever mentioned future friendship after he left me behind. I still to this day dont understand why he wouldnt want to OR atleast had me for backup...My only guess was he wasnt over me while entering his new relationship and it hurt him too to talk to me or see me.As to why on the last night we talked he couldnt look at me or touch me But you are right..I couldnt talk to him and hear his voice cause when a love is that real old feelings will come up and you may fall inlove all over again and probably someone will get hurt Yeah, It just can't be done if only one of you wants to get back together. It's just asking for another round of hurt feelings, confusion and a bunch of horrible steps backward.
paleblue Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 good post lovely daze i agree. being friends right away with your ex - if you are hurting from the break up - will only serve to hurt you more. IF any kind of friendship is possible its not until way down the road when you no longer feel anything for them. like a stranger on the street. and at that point you usually dont care anyway. as always there are the exceptions, but they are few and far in between. sorry to rain on anyone's parade out there, hell bent on beating the odds.
ingridh Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I don't think I will ever stop hating my ex for how he had treated and broken me. He wasn't acting like a friend then, why should I be friends with him in the future? Just that it is so darn hard to move on right now..... one. step. at. a. time. (Good advise nonetheless, LovelyDaze.)
paleblue Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 that is how i am starting to feel too. after all these months i have taken those rose colored glasses off, i feel anger, lots of it, and i feel disgust when i see her. for how she had treated and broken me and moved on with someone else. i think why should i offer friends -which is what she wants, why should i give her anything she wants? how do you reconcile with a true honest even friendship out of this kind of mess?? i dont know the answer. baby steps..
carhill Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 For some people, extenuating circumstances (family, career, geographical moves, etc) cause break-ups, even when there are few or no relationship-centric issues. I could see such people becoming friends at a future date after they've moved on. Otherwise, nuh uh, IMO. No continuity of love, mutual interest and support. Of course, everyone's definition of friendship differs, but it surely wouldn't meet mine.
adamt Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I don't understand how you can be friends with someone who puts you through hell and hurt so much for so long.
ingridh Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 No continuity of love, mutual interest and support... This got me thinking... Ex and I have lots of common interests, and we are/were more compatible than any couple we know. We were good friends in the beginning. I never dreamed of having an intimate relationship with him due to the age difference (I am 9 years older). If he didn't cheat and lie and then when I found out, dump me for a much younger college girl 15 years his junior, but instead our split was mutual, which I could see it happen, I would definitely still be friends with him. His family and I get along fine and are still close. (Also when I confronted him about the cheating, he was rude, defensive, hurling at me cruel and hurtful words I shall never forgive nor forget.)
carhill Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I'll define my parameters further: Love.... I tell my friends I love them. I show it in my actions. Proactive. Mutual interest.... I care about their lives. Their joy, their sadness; people, pursuits and things which are important to them, and they mine. Support.... I offer support when they're sad or hurt, an ear for venting, a hug and a smile to share the wonderful milestones in their lives. As I've said prior, if mutuality of such factors had existed in my marriage, I'd likely still be married. It didn't, or came to not exist, so, hence, divorce. If, during the divorce, stbx gave me any sense that she could ever be a friend, using those parameters, with no romantic connection, I'd certainly have considered it. Without that, fuggetaboutit. She's just another random collection of DNA inhabiting the planet.
DramaFree Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 uuugh. I just got a glimpse of friend zone and it suxs. Been broke up since March 4th with 3 contacts via phone and text We always went out on Weds. I broke NC last night left a message didnt return until today. I'll be honest - checking to see if he was home (slap my hand) He Didnt respond to text, then he resent. then called twice. I just froze up because I figured he must have been with someone else last night and felt really awkward and sad. After he called again I answered. Very awkward. he asked how I was....then I said well you must have moved pretty quickly and then he said no but im sure you have. Flipped it which mean he probaly was. Seriously please he broke up w/ me. He then proceeded to tell me we would meet for drinks in 2 weeks for my birthday to give me gift. I told him no and he said ..."we are friends why not" FRIENDS!!!! LSers it didnt sound good and I feel worse. I have to get my butt back to NC. relief he was cordial and called back. But who wants to be second?? i've just given him the upper hand because he knows I care!
mickleb Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I don't know if this is true for everyone but it helped me immensely make the "friend" decision. My therapist gave me a great piece of advice. She said you can be friends with your ex the day you can go on a double date with him and his new girl and actually have a good time. Copied this from a similar thread from October. Still makes perfect sense to me. (Thanks, ILC. ) x
cdt76 Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I don't think I will ever stop hating my ex for how he had treated and broken me. He wasn't acting like a friend then, why should I be friends with him in the future? Just that it is so darn hard to move on right now..... one. step. at. a. time. (Good advise nonetheless, LovelyDaze.) Totally agree. I refuse to accept that the emotional/physical attachment we had deserves anything less such as being "friends". She can cheat on me and I'm just supposed to accept it? I think not. I refuse to even associate with the same people she does and I work with a bunch of them. I won't even talk to them. How anyone would want to be friends with someone who hurt them, confounds me. The only thing I wonder about is if she thinks of me. If she looks around her now and likes what she see's as compared to what we had. Does she ever think she made the wrong choice?
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