NO SEX DRIVE, DOESN’T TELL ME SHE LOVES ME, and PILLS. !!!

[Fight4Me]

Since she has been officially diagnosed OCD, I would be careful in your approach toward her in suggesting she go off the medication. I recommend picking up some books about it to help you understand not only how someone with OCD personally suffers, but also how best to relate to them. I think she'll be far more likely to listen to your opinion if she sees you taking the time to learn about it. Also, in some of those books, there are some excellent suggestions on how to retrain one's thinking to combat the compulsive thoughts. If you could get her interested in seeking help with someone who specializes in OCD, that would be the ideal way to go because not only will they reevaluate the effectiveness of her medication, but also be able to provide real life coping skills that may even eliminate the need for medication altogether (really just depends). Btw, my son has OCD, and I can confirm that the process of going off medication is pure Hell, even when tapered slowly, and is downright dangerous without the proper counseling to help you both cope and understand the process.

 

Now, with all that said, I believe lordWilhelm's post was an excellent illustration of how a woman who loves her bf/dh acts even though her sex drive has diminished (for whatever reason). I can relate to that since I have to take certain medications for an autoimmune disorder affecting the nervous system, and my drive can be severely affected. Even so, I very rarely turn him down because I love my husband and know how important sex and intimacy is to a healthy relationship. I also make sure to act quickly whenever I get a sudden spike in my drive so he also gets the benefit of having me initiate.

 

My point is that even if a woman's sex drive is in the toilet, it does not diminish the love she has for her man. It is really concerning to me that your girlfriend has never told you she loves you, and I honestly don't think that has anything to do with the kind of medication she is taking. She has been able to express other positive feelings toward you, but not those three little words. I think she probably knows you are good for her, the best thing that has come along, but I don't think she is in love with you.

 

My girlfriend is OCD and has been taking antidepressants since she was 8. She clearly has a lower sex drive, but, the key thing is she understands physical intimacy is a key component of the relationship and is willing to try to make things work. And by try, I mean it's something I can see looking at her, that she's passionate and that the relationship is important to her. Even if she's not in the mood, she'll let me try to get her in the mood, and sometimes that works. And if not she'll say something like, I'm not feeling good, but let's try on Friday night. Or she'll at least try to take care me if she doesn't feel sexual about her own body.

 

Sounds like in your case, she doesn't even want to try which I think is the big problem. You need to shake her up a little bit -- if you give her the signals that you're okay with giving up physical intimacy she'd probably take that. You have to communicate to her this is an important part of the relationship, and it's not cool that things have come to a halt.

 

Don't try to reinvent yourself (make yourself more buff) or change the lovely man that you are. As someone else said, many women would kill to have someone like you, and not just to use you to help with chores around the house. This is often how women feel loved and appreciated and someone who is in love with you will want to show her appreciation in return. I'm not suggesting you just give up and walk away, but I think you're doing the right thing by arranging counseling (individually and as a couple). I think this is the best way to know for certain what it is she actually feels for you, and if it is love, then she'll learn how to express it verbally and physically.

 

I wish you both the best of luck.

[ManWithHeart]

I wish I could PM you but until you create a certain number of posts you cannot receive PMs from other members.

 

I don't know why you think me a "hater." I don't know you at all - I feel bad for you that you are frustrated and I think you have allowed yourself to be emotionally overpowered. So if I have any emotional response to you it is empathy. I remember the first time I fell in love - and the girl fell "less" in love back. That was 30 full years ago and I still vividly remember how much that hurt.

 

As for finances - and this is purely in response to your comments: We have zero debt of any type including no mortgage on the house. I worked very hard and was in the right place at the right time twice.

 

I don't know why you think my marriage is boring. I don't find it so, and my wife sure acts like she enjoys my company. I truly deeply love my wife and have a wonderful time just hanging out with her and bantering about my hundreds of flaws - I feel very blessed that I found someone who finds my quirks more entertaining than annoying.

 

No I dont feel "emotionally overpowered" I simply dont agree with your comment directed towards me as you are right you dont know me at all. But I am proud of overcoming a youth of horor and trauma, rising above abuse, fighting for my life, and then becoming successful in many ways not just financial but on many personal levels.

 

I only brought this up as a testimate to my ability to overcome and my staying power so other forum members will understand I am not a coward that runs from his problems and is willing to work/fight for the woman he holds dearest so they will know the facts and give good solid advice.

 

As for finances you should be proud/thankfull as less than 1% of our population can say that. (Truly awesome my friend!)

 

You had a point in your post that I feel very well may apply to me as I do tend to be a little overboard with affection and come across soft. I always tell my employees there is one absolute way to piss me off and thats mistake my kindness for weakness. I feel in some ways this may be the case but not in others ways with my woman. I see some small adjustments I could make and not compromise who I am and will help our situation.

 

Thank you again for your time and advice.

[ManWithHeart]

Here's another article. It's focused on the love aspect rather than just sex.

 

http://articles.latimes.com/2007/jul/30/health/he-antidepressants30

(in case it's not ok to post this google Helen Fisher and studies she's done about love and SSRI's)

I think 90% of the problem here is that drug.

 

BINGO!!! I strongly feel you could be right as I feel me doing and changing things in our relationship to TRY to combat with her loss of sexdrive and her coments of how she doesnt understand why she "doesnt feel that head over heals love in our relationship" and not telling me she loves me may be risky. Ironically changing things in our relationship may have the same damaging effects as those EVIL drugs do as they only treat the symptoms and NOT the problem... CATCH-22!

 

Thank you for the link and name drop!

 

GOOD ADVICE!!!

[jmargel]

This one is pretty simple to answer. It's not a matter of her not being in love with you (I believe she still is). However she does not RESPECT you. She's gotten so comfortable with you she has taken you for granted.

 

You allowed this. By treating her like a princess everyday you took away the challenge, the mystery. It's changed you into a quivering puppy that rolls over piddles on itself when it gets nervous. The more nervous you get the more needy and clingy you become.

 

So between the two things you both have going on, no wonder this is happening.

 

It's time to GAIN some self confidence back! Do NOT put your own self-worth into this woman, which is what you are doing right now. If she's out of your life in the future, you will move on and find someone else. Just because she's not happy at a particular time doesn't mean you can't be happy.

 

Start setting short term goals for yourself and accomplish them. Stop giving the 'I love yous', quit complimenting her, quit doing everything for her, quit being her slave. Start doing for yourself. Go out with your buddies, start some hobbies, do things without her.

 

Make her MISS you. Make her make the first move, do this by not showing affection, when she eventually asks what is wrong just say 'I am doing some thinking' and leave it at that. That is something that will drive her crazy but more importantly will make her THINK.

 

Tolerate her behavior and expect more from her, including cheating. Start the thinking of 'Women are like buses, when one leaves another will come'.

 

Only when she finally decides that things need to change then stress the importance of counseling and the need to communicate better. Just by agreeing to communicate better won't solve it, you both have to learn HOW to do this.

[2sure]

Given that you have been together 2 years,

Her son is 2 years old and

The divorce has been ugly and is not yet complete

 

She was looking for a father for her son, a partner, etc.

And she has those things in you...but as much as maybe she would like to, she isnt in love with you.

 

The celexa DOES decrease your sex drive. As it stands right now, I'm on it and can tell you I dont care if I never have sex again.

 

With the drug lowering her sex drive, and having no chance for intimacy and reconnection, she may very well not feel in love with you. So, maybe it is that in part.

 

Have her move out so she can re-evaluate the importance of you in her life, determine if she can generate the interest to re-establish intimacy in your relationship.

 

If not, your just a substitute for something.

[AmyT]

Hi ManWithHeart,

 

SSRI Antidepressants like Celexa are supposed to make people feel better, but an unfortunate side effect of these drugs is that they can interfere with sexual response and sensitivity.

 

You might consider asking her to try the over-the-counter arousal oil called Zestra, which has been shown to be safe and effective for women using SSRI antidepressants. Two placebo-controlled studies published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy showed that this blend of botanicals (including borage seed and evening primrose oils, Angelica root and vitamins C and E) provided a significant increase in arousal, desire, genital stimulation, ability to orgasm and pleasure. The treatment worked equally well on women using SSRI antidepressant medications. Of course, she should talk with her doctor first before trying anything, and should not stop taking her antidepressant medications.

-Amy

[LucreziaBorgia]

She made comments that she believed that “sex once a day when a couple lives together is perfect” HA! Talk about BULL-SPIT! She sold me on that one… now I lay awake in bed next to a woman that would rather drink wine, watch TV, sit on the computer, or anything but give her man some physical affection let alone verbal affection.

 

She got you with the bait and switch. She knew about her sexual dysfunction and roped you in with promises of hot daily sex with no real intention of following through. She was falling out of a horrible situation and wanted to land in a comfortable spot with a nice man who would take care of her. And so she did.

 

What can you do about it? Not much really. She isn't going to change, and if you did manage to get her to have more frequent sex it would likely be the obligatory sort that makes you wish you had jerked off instead.

 

There is always the possibility of switching meds, but you would have to understand that the meds aren't 100% responsible - to some extent she is taking you for granted and enjoys having things on her terms. Find that line, and go from there.

[linwood]

Leave.

 

Next!!

 

Ditto.

 

Exactly what is so appealing about a frigid drugged control freak?

 

I don`t get it.

 

You think you`re frustrated/resentful now just wait until you marry this woman.

[Kenyth]

No I dont feel "emotionally overpowered" I simply dont agree with your comment directed towards me as you are right you dont know me at all. But I am proud of overcoming a youth of horor and trauma, rising above abuse, fighting for my life, and then becoming successful in many ways not just financial but on many personal levels.

 

I only brought this up as a testimate to my ability to overcome and my staying power so other forum members will understand I am not a coward that runs from his problems and is willing to work/fight for the woman he holds dearest so they will know the facts and give good solid advice.

 

As for finances you should be proud/thankfull as less than 1% of our population can say that. (Truly awesome my friend!)

 

You had a point in your post that I feel very well may apply to me as I do tend to be a little overboard with affection and come across soft. I always tell my employees there is one absolute way to piss me off and thats mistake my kindness for weakness. I feel in some ways this may be the case but not in others ways with my woman. I see some small adjustments I could make and not compromise who I am and will help our situation.

 

Thank you again for your time and advice.

 

Don't take him the wrong way. He's just trying to say that sometimes you have to get a little mean to get someone off their @$$ and try harder. Teachers do it, coaches do it, parents do it, and partners do it. Even the many creatures of the animal kingdom do it. Neglecting to give a little nip in the butt where appropriate can have detrimental consequences, even if we love the other person dearly.

 

There's also an old saying about rose colored glasses. Nowhere is that more true than when you are in love. You may think things are one way, when in reality, they are so obviously in a tailspin that others wince.

 

We don't know your exact situation, but don't ignore the base wisdom in many of our comments. Just try to understand them and objectively see if they apply to you.

[Kenyth]

Given that you have been together 2 years,

Her son is 2 years old and

The divorce has been ugly and is not yet complete

 

She was looking for a father for her son, a partner, etc.

And she has those things in you...but as much as maybe she would like to, she isnt in love with you.

 

The celexa DOES decrease your sex drive. As it stands right now, I'm on it and can tell you I dont care if I never have sex again.

 

With the drug lowering her sex drive, and having no chance for intimacy and reconnection, she may very well not feel in love with you. So, maybe it is that in part.

 

Have her move out so she can re-evaluate the importance of you in her life, determine if she can generate the interest to re-establish intimacy in your relationship.

 

If not, your just a substitute for something.

 

This, by the way, is a VERY good post. A lot of insight.