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NO SEX DRIVE, DOESN’T TELL ME SHE LOVES ME, and PILLS. !!!


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Posted (edited)

See below for original post. Thank you!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Author
Posted

Complicated Mess… Read if you dare and HELP IF YOUCAN!

I will try to keep to the facts as a way to keep it short and bring you up to speed first as my situation as several different things going on… I need help and some solid advice as my heart is truly breaking by the day and have found myself giving up.

 

ME: I am a 39 year old man, good looking, good shape, and very clean well kept. I am very GIVING, kind, considerate, empathetic, silly, driven, intelligent, funny, and overall a well rounded person. I have never been married, no children, two long term failed relationships (7 and 4 years) both had children. I want children and marriage ONLY if its RIGHT… my parents have been together for over 50 years so I understand what it takes to have a happy healthy lasting relationship. I can be a little corky, too silly, and a bit OCD but not outward to drive others crazy.

 

HER: She is 35 year old woman, attractive, nice shape, and glowing beauty. She is funny, sweet, sexy, OCD, fun, and a very moral person. She was married 2 times … 1st marriage lasted a years she was very young and it ended due to his drugs, drinking, smoking, and lies.(Her side of story.) 2nd marriage lasted a few years also but the relationship lasted 7 years… they dated 2 years long distance, married for 3, separated after an unplanned pregnancy, strung along for 2 years with promises of getting back together and finally ended the relationship completely. HOWEVER the divorce has lasted for 4 ½ years with an UGLY costly legal battle.

 

US: We started dating about 2 years ago, after her marriage she had one other boyfriend (6 month fling) before me and dated other guys before him. We hit off perfect from the start no real problems at all, actually we often comment how good of a life we have. We planned on having kids, getting married, and living together. Everything seemed perfect after dating over a year she moved in with me along with her 2 year old son (which is the joy of my life) and we continued to build a strong foundation. We attend church on Sundays and have a close healthy relationship with her family… I love her entire family as if they were my own flesh and blood. As a couple we have a very natural good chemistry as both friends and family seem to really believe in us and continue to support us through the continuing divorce that still remains in the background of her/our life. Her family loves me and my family loves her… that is very important to me and feels great knowing we have that kind of support.

 

One more thing as I know people like to point and blame still being married is the root of our problem and the divorce needs to happen before she can move on etc. On an emotional level she is 110% over the ex-husband and only wants the divorce over… the ex-husband is a movie of the week to say the least and should be locked up jail.(4 ½ year divorce of lies deception) If anything the divorce is a HUGE distraction in our life and I wish she would just walk away.

 

NOW FOR THE PROBLEM… After 2 years of dating, nearly one year of living together, planning our life together, planning to have a child, building a business together, and what I believe is a nearly perfect life I realized that I was lacking one thing… SHE NEVER TELLS ME SHE LOVES ME. NEVER - NOT ONCE!!!

 

When I talk to her about this she says she has never felt this way before and she feels she should be “farther along” and doesn’t have that crazy foolish love feeling she had in the past. She says she want us to be together and continues talking about our future and our family as if everything is ok BUT I’m NOT OK… my heart is breaking more everyday as I long to hear the words I have waited to hear for 39 years from the person I hold dearest to me and I truly love. Currently I am going through some really hard times that seems not to have any effect on her but the fact that she doesn’t tell me she loves me is making some of the trivial problems seem huge.

 

She has ZERO SEX DRIVE… this too is making me crazy and my heart hurt even more!!! Sex 3 times a month if I’m lucky has been standard for over the last 6 months. We have GREAT sex when we have it and that seems to puzzle me too as why don’t we do it more??? I have a high sex drive and want sex daily… and she drives me crazy as I am very attracted to her. I want her because I’m so much in love with, I want to take her and satisfy everyway a man can when making love. Before she moved in we had sex 3 or 4 times a week and I was very happy and now we go 3 or 4 weeks without sex… I can’t do this anymore as I am now feeling rejected with building resentment toward her for being more passionate about watching cop tv shows than having sex with her man next to her in bed. She made comments that she believed that “sex once a day when a couple lives together is perfect” HA! Talk about BULL-SPIT! She sold me on that one… now I lay awake in bed next to a woman that would rather drink wine, watch TV, sit on the computer, or anything but give her man some physical affection let alone verbal affection.

 

SEX? She has blamed our lack of sex because of ME from “poking her when we cuddle” (excuse me after no sex for weeks its hard not to “poke” when we cuddle PLUS I have made a serious effort not to “poke” when we cuddle but she still uses that as an excuse for her not wanting sex) to “being creepy”(This comment pissed me off as she confuses creepy with sex deprived, sad, and horny) and most recently she said I “let myself go” Now that one really pisses me off!!! As I can openly admit I don’t have the body I had two years ago as I have gained 15 pounds BUT I have a better body than 95% of 39 year old men out there PLUS she seems to be calling kettle black as she went from 115 pounds to almost 140 pounds! She has made these comments about my appearance one too many times so I am going to lose the 15 pounds and carve out my abs and see what the next excuse will be for HER LACK OF SEX DRIVE. I come from a family of completive bodybuilders so this will be easy to do as I know how to get ripped fast BUT it sickens and saddens me I need to do this to see what the next excuse will be.

 

What I believe is the ROOT OF THE PROBLEM…

 

She takes the antidepressant Celexa and I believe with all my heart this is the problem. I have read 100s of articles and personal experiences surrounding ZERO SEX DRIVE and SHUT OFF LOVE SWITCH it makes me ill to say the least! It is my deep gut feeling this drug is destroying our relationship!

 

If the love of my life has one problem its she can be a >>>CONTROL FREAK<<< but however I have learned to make this work for us in several ways but when it comes to any talk about getting off this poison she immediately takes it as Im trying to control her, she says she needs it, and she was on it when I met her, etc etc etc.

 

From what I see and her family sees she has a GREAT LIFE, GREAT CHILD, AND A GREAT MAN so let me ask you WHAT THE HELL IS SO WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE YOU NEED THIS POISON? I treat this woman better than 99.9% on men on this planet treat their women! I GUARANTEE IT!!!!! I cook gourmet meals for her EVERYDAY, I do dishes, laundry, house cleaning, take care of the cars, take care of the house, take care of the child, pay all the bills, and do countless sweet things everyday for her like back rubs, full body massages, daily cups of coffee, love notes, surprises, tons of hug and kisses, date nights, fancy dinners, compliments, on and on and on and on! I drop everything I’m doing in order to help her and make her life better and easy. THIS IS EVERYDAY LIFE FOR HER… so I say COME ON NOW WHAT THE HELL IS SO WRONG? WHY DO YOU NEED THIS POSION? AND MORE OVER WHY DON’T YOU GET OFF IT FOR US OR FOR ME?

 

I love her for all that she is and all that we are and can be… I believe we are perfect in so many ways and make an awesome couple to say the least.

 

I can’t continue living like this… I need to make love and need to be told I’m loved.

 

IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR OUT OF LIFE?

 

I NEED SOME GOOD ADVICE.

 

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

 

Thank you.

Posted

Leave.

 

Next!!

  • Author
Posted
Leave.

 

Next!!

 

Wow! Why didnt I think of that?

 

Yea that makes perfect sense... end our relationship, toss our little family in the trash, and give up when we have problems.

 

And why are divorce rates so high?

 

Thank you for your time and advice Tara.

 

Have a nice day.

Posted

Get some couples counseling. If she won't go, go yourself.

Posted
Wow! Why didnt I think of that?

 

Yea that makes perfect sense... end our relationship, toss our little family in the trash, and give up when we have problems.

 

And why are divorce rates so high?

 

Thank you for your time and advice Tara.

 

Have a nice day.

Sometimes the drama isn't worth the fight. She's on drugs, she won't be intimate with you, and she won't tell you she loves you. You're just handy to have around.

How much louder a message do you need?

is this what you want for the remainder of your days?

 

See, if you're happy to settle for that, or do 99.999% of the work to keep this together, then fine. Go to counselling on your own.

If she's not in this 100% with you, and is as determined as you are to fix this, make it good, and make it work, then my advice still stands.

If you put this plan to her, and she basically cuts you off, then you'll know I was right all the time.

Posting in upper case doesn't make you louder or more dramatic. it means you're desperate, because there's no way out other than to -

 

 

 

Leave.

Posted

If you really want to change your relationship and nothing you are trying has worked you might want to rock her world.

 

Leave or threaten to leave (& mean it) and then say the only way you will consider staying is if you go to counseling. Together/ apart/ whatever it takes.

 

To me (if you are as great as you say you are) she sounds like a spoiled selfish brat. This board is full of women who would kill for a decent man (well not literally lol)...take a gander at what they've put up with...and then compare yourself to that...and then ask youself why you stay...

 

You're being taken advantage of as an A#1 Shmuck. If it's the meds, then fine, she needs to get off them. If it isn't then RUN!!

Posted

buddy, with her having this many issues, i'd give serious thought to rethinking your relationship. i'm not going to tell you to leave or stay, but it sure does sound like you'd be miserable if you stay. good luck.

Posted

Search Giotto, JamesM or myself and you'll get a glimpse of your future. Search mem11363 and he will give straight answers that you are a wimp and it is time to be an Alpha male. Frankly I'm just too tired to give you the pep talk...... All too common, too familiar and no easy answers. Good news is you are not married and you already see the writing on the wall from a woman who can't tell you those three little words. I suggest couples counseling and individual couseling for both of you.....:mad:

  • Author
Posted
If you really want to change your relationship and nothing you are trying has worked you might want to rock her world.

 

Leave or threaten to leave (& mean it) and then say the only way you will consider staying is if you go to counseling. Together/ apart/ whatever it takes.

 

To me (if you are as great as you say you are) she sounds like a spoiled selfish brat. This board is full of women who would kill for a decent man (well not literally lol)...take a gander at what they've put up with...and then compare yourself to that...and then ask youself why you stay...

 

You're being taken advantage of as an A#1 Shmuck. If it's the meds, then fine, she needs to get off them. If it isn't then RUN!!

 

 

"Rock her world" That is good solid advice and something that I know works when it comes to business or other desperate times that require action.

 

I grew up in a bad area (Detroit... need I say more?) and learned sometimes you need to "hit hard" to survive when I was a youth. On the same note later on in life and several successful businesses later I found sometimes you needs to "hit hard" or "rock their world" when I negotiate and display my willingness to walk away and mean it.

 

 

Counseling: Yes I have made up my mind to start individual counseling (today I will make appointment) and start couples counseling in a few weeks. I need to sort things out and screw my head back on right before I dive into couples counseling.

 

 

Snap! Ouch! Truth hurts! Yes I can confidently say I am a great guy and YES she is a spoiled selfish brat but I feel that I created that monster! I sit here everyday and feel like I need to stop doing everything I do for her but then I think will that blow up in my face or Cause more stress? Catch22 I take great joy in most of the things I do for her... if I do these things I feel like that A#1 Shmuck lately and if I dont do these things I feel like I'm not doing my best. I come from the school of you get out what you put in BUT I'm not getting a fraction back of what I put in and that is starting to wear me out, create resentment, and worse of all I have a depressed sad feeling with a touch of giving up.

 

My gut feeling is I need to find a happy medium and make her work for my affection and attention but I'm really having a hard time sorting out what to do because either I'm sexually frustrated, longing for affection, or just plain old pissed at myself for being too damn nice.

 

In all fairness she has tons of great qualities, very moral, and the best mommy ever. Its been my experience countless times in life that success is right on the other side of failure or defeat... to be totally honest latelyI feel like failure or defeat are sitting on both sides of me.

 

Time to call Dad and get one of those "Get Strong Son" pep talks.

 

Keep the advice coming!

 

Thank you sooooo much Farmgirl for your words!

Posted

@OP

 

Good luck! It sounds like you just needed a kick in the butt LOL.

 

:)

Keep us posted.

Posted

How long has she been taking Celexa, is this related to her being OCD (or is that an unofficial diagnostic by you), or is it because of the divorce?

Posted

my wife has been on paroxetine for the last 15 years for anxiety and recurrent thoughts. She has no libido whatsoever. You really need to confront her and tell her the truth: that you will leave if things don't improve. This is what I had to do with my wife when we hit the "once a month" farce... things are better, but I had to be firm...

Posted (edited)
Sometimes the drama isn't worth the fight. She's on drugs, she won't be intimate with you, and she won't tell you she loves you. You're just handy to have around.

How much louder a message do you need?

is this what you want for the remainder of your days?

 

See, if you're happy to settle for that, or do 99.999% of the work to keep this together, then fine. Go to counselling on your own.

If she's not in this 100% with you, and is as determined as you are to fix this, make it good, and make it work, then my advice still stands.

If you put this plan to her, and she basically cuts you off, then you'll know I was right all the time.

Posting in upper case doesn't make you louder or more dramatic. it means you're desperate, because there's no way out other than to -

 

 

 

Leave.

 

 

I'm sorry but I agree with Tara. Your wife obviously is not in love with you. She would at least say "I love you", in 3 years? Sometimes women get turned off and can't be turned back on no matter what you do. This seems to be her case. She has admitted to you she doesn't have "that crazy, in love feeling like in the past". I suspect she loves you for the man you are (who wouldn't) but is not in love with you. She also knows your 2 year old loves you to death and she has realized that what you bring to the table is far more important in raising a family than what the guy she was "in love" with did. You two could keep going on like this forever but sooner or later someone else will enter the picture and offer you (or her) what you need sexually. Since you two go to church maybe you can ask for counsel from your Pastor. I just don't see how therapy is going to make someone feel what they don't. You have to decide what you really need for the rest of your life.

Edited by stillafool
Posted
Search Giotto, JamesM or myself and you'll get a glimpse of your future. Search mem11363 and he will give straight answers that you are a wimp and it is time to be an Alpha male. Frankly I'm just too tired to give you the pep talk...... All too common, too familiar and no easy answers. Good news is you are not married and you already see the writing on the wall from a woman who can't tell you those three little words. I suggest couples counseling and individual couseling for both of you.....:mad:

 

It sucks when you find the perfect thing, only to find a major flaw on the back side later. It happens all the time. You are not even married yet and things are going downhill quickly. The only option you have is to try the "wake up call" technique. She has to know that this behavior is a deal breaker for you. Try counseling and talking it out.

 

YOU have to understand that you can't make her be something she is not, or do something she doesn't want to do. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can just fix her like a car and be on your way tomorrow. Regardless of all her other qualities, if you can't come to terms on this, you need to try another relationship. It sucks, but it's the only thing you can do. You have to learn to let go if you don't want the full package deal of her qualities.

 

Relationships are a numbers game. You have to search and search until you find one with qualities that meet your needs. There are very few perfect fits, so you'll have to decide what qualities are most important to you and compromise on the ones that aren't.

 

Many people find a good looking person whom they find very attractive only to find out later that the beauty is only skin deep. It's up to you to get out and not fool yourself into believing you can make it work.

  • Author
Posted
How long has she been taking Celexa, is this related to her being OCD (or is that an unofficial diagnostic by you), or is it because of the divorce?

 

She has been taking the drug for about 3 years but at first it was a low dosage of 10mg. She was perscribed the durg for situational anxiety due to the divorce mainly caused by dealing with her Sociopath Ex-husband which is without a doubt a 100% sociopath as he strongly displays ALL 15 behaviors and I am starting to believe he could be the Devil. However the Dr. said she has OCD and I would agree as she NEEDS things a certain way or she cant relax but sometimes I think its just a good old case of CONTROL FREAK and needs to let things be.(i think its a mix)

 

I would say when things got bad with the divorce and Dr. Pillpusher doubled the Celexa from what I remember as 20mg to 40mg that was about the same time her sexdrive died.

 

I have read 100s of articles from both men and women that shutdown sexually when taking Celexa.

Posted (edited)

My girlfriend is OCD and has been taking antidepressants since she was 8. She clearly has a lower sex drive, but, the key thing is she understands physical intimacy is a key component of the relationship and is willing to try to make things work. And by try, I mean it's something I can see looking at her, that she's passionate and that the relationship is important to her. Even if she's not in the mood, she'll let me try to get her in the mood, and sometimes that works. And if not she'll say something like, I'm not feeling good, but let's try on Friday night. Or she'll at least try to take care me if she doesn't feel sexual about her own body.

 

Sounds like in your case, she doesn't even want to try which I think is the big problem. You need to shake her up a little bit -- if you give her the signals that you're okay with giving up physical intimacy she'd probably take that. You have to communicate to her this is an important part of the relationship, and it's not cool that things have come to a halt.

Edited by lordWilhelm
Posted

 

I would say when things got bad with the divorce and Dr. Pillpusher doubled the Celexa from what I remember as 20mg to 40mg that was about the same time her sexdrive died.

 

I have read 100s of articles from both men and women that shutdown sexually when taking Celexa.

 

My wife takes 20mg and she has no sex drive... double that with 40mg... oh, boy...

Posted

How is she the best mommy ever when you say you're doing everything that the mommy is supposed to be doing?

 

You sound like a good guy but you're carrying the weight while she's lounging in the bed. I admire you for your determination and devotion although it's likely misplaced but she needs to carry her fair share at the least.

 

Anxiety would be preferable to emotional neutering I would think... but how to get her off the drug I have no idea. If you stopped doing everything around the home would she start pitching in? If there are no consequences for her lack of action, why would she act? If she's a control freak, she's certainly controlling you.

 

Then there's still the fact she's never told you she loves you. As hard as it may be to face, maybe she doesn't? She's not treating you like she does. She's not telling you she does. Why would you believe she does? In your eyes you might think she should and I think most women in her situation probably would but that doesn't make it so.

 

Good luck with counseling.

Posted

bear or tolerate or decide otherways.

Posted

I also have the same problem, my partner does not bear as much sex as I want, this is a big issue for conselling.

Posted

All your acts of service - saying how much you love her - etc etc - transmit the following message to her:

 

You believe she is WAY higher up on the status tree than you are. So after 1 to 1.5 years of you communicating through your actions that you really don't deserve her, she has come to agree with you. And NOTHING kills a womans love and kills her sex drive as well - faster than being with a lower status male.

 

I am NOT bad boy - AT ALL. I don't cheat, don't curse at or insult my wife, etc etc. But when she does male fitness testing - which many women do - I get just as firm/assertive and even if needed aggressive as I have to in order to convey that I am fully her equal. And so that means sometimes I STOP doing the nice things I normally do and I spend less time at home etc. And if that caused her to up the ante - well we would keep upping the ante until I told her I was ready to start dating other people. PS - we are in year 20 and that has never happened so I doubt if ever will but the point is I don't cringe from conflict the way you currently are.

 

Funny thing - you guys all talk about how tough you are in other contexts - grew up in Detroit - run successful businesses etc. But you are weak and fearful with your women and THEY hate this outcome as much as you. They want an equal also.

 

 

"Rock her world" That is good solid advice and something that I know works when it comes to business or other desperate times that require action.

 

I grew up in a bad area (Detroit... need I say more?) and learned sometimes you need to "hit hard" to survive when I was a youth. On the same note later on in life and several successful businesses later I found sometimes you needs to "hit hard" or "rock their world" when I negotiate and display my willingness to walk away and mean it.

 

 

Counseling: Yes I have made up my mind to start individual counseling (today I will make appointment) and start couples counseling in a few weeks. I need to sort things out and screw my head back on right before I dive into couples counseling.

 

 

Snap! Ouch! Truth hurts! Yes I can confidently say I am a great guy and YES she is a spoiled selfish brat but I feel that I created that monster! I sit here everyday and feel like I need to stop doing everything I do for her but then I think will that blow up in my face or Cause more stress? Catch22 I take great joy in most of the things I do for her... if I do these things I feel like that A#1 Shmuck lately and if I dont do these things I feel like I'm not doing my best. I come from the school of you get out what you put in BUT I'm not getting a fraction back of what I put in and that is starting to wear me out, create resentment, and worse of all I have a depressed sad feeling with a touch of giving up.

 

My gut feeling is I need to find a happy medium and make her work for my affection and attention but I'm really having a hard time sorting out what to do because either I'm sexually frustrated, longing for affection, or just plain old pissed at myself for being too damn nice.

 

In all fairness she has tons of great qualities, very moral, and the best mommy ever. Its been my experience countless times in life that success is right on the other side of failure or defeat... to be totally honest latelyI feel like failure or defeat are sitting on both sides of me.

 

Time to call Dad and get one of those "Get Strong Son" pep talks.

 

Keep the advice coming!

 

Thank you sooooo much Farmgirl for your words!

  • Author
Posted
All your acts of service - saying how much you love her - etc etc - transmit the following message to her:

 

You believe she is WAY higher up on the status tree than you are. So after 1 to 1.5 years of you communicating through your actions that you really don't deserve her, she has come to agree with you. And NOTHING kills a womans love and kills her sex drive as well - faster than being with a lower status male.

 

I am NOT bad boy - AT ALL. I don't cheat, don't curse at or insult my wife, etc etc. But when she does male fitness testing - which many women do - I get just as firm/assertive and even if needed aggressive as I have to in order to convey that I am fully her equal. And so that means sometimes I STOP doing the nice things I normally do and I spend less time at home etc. And if that caused her to up the ante - well we would keep upping the ante until I told her I was ready to start dating other people. PS - we are in year 20 and that has never happened so I doubt if ever will but the point is I don't cringe from conflict the way you currently are.

 

Funny thing - you guys all talk about how tough you are in other contexts - grew up in Detroit - run successful businesses etc. But you are weak and fearful with your women and THEY hate this outcome as much as you. They want an equal also.

 

Good advice!

Let me point out a "funny thing" too...

The "funny thing" in my life is haters that have done next to nothing their entire lifes except be arm-chair quarterbacks, 20 year DULL marriages, beer-gut, in debt over their heads, but LOVE to talk SH*T about guys that know who they are, what they want, where they are going, and can write a check when they get there.

 

Not saying this is you mem11363

 

Thanks again!

Posted
She has been taking the drug for about 3 years but at first it was a low dosage of 10mg. ......

 

I have read 100s of articles from both men and women that shutdown sexually when taking Celexa.

 

Here's another article. It's focused on the love aspect rather than just sex.

 

http://articles.latimes.com/2007/jul/30/health/he-antidepressants30

(in case it's not ok to post this google Helen Fisher and studies she's done about love and SSRI's)

I think 90% of the problem here is that drug.

Posted

I wish I could PM you but until you create a certain number of posts you cannot receive PMs from other members.

 

I don't know why you think me a "hater." I don't know you at all - I feel bad for you that you are frustrated and I think you have allowed yourself to be emotionally overpowered. So if I have any emotional response to you it is empathy. I remember the first time I fell in love - and the girl fell "less" in love back. That was 30 full years ago and I still vividly remember how much that hurt.

 

As for finances - and this is purely in response to your comments: We have zero debt of any type including no mortgage on the house. I worked very hard and was in the right place at the right time twice.

 

I don't know why you think my marriage is boring. I don't find it so, and my wife sure acts like she enjoys my company. I truly deeply love my wife and have a wonderful time just hanging out with her and bantering about my hundreds of flaws - I feel very blessed that I found someone who finds my quirks more entertaining than annoying.

 

 

 

Good advice!

Let me point out a "funny thing" too...

The "funny thing" in my life is haters that have done next to nothing their entire lifes except be arm-chair quarterbacks, 20 year DULL marriages, beer-gut, in debt over their heads, but LOVE to talk SH*T about guys that know who they are, what they want, where they are going, and can write a check when they get there.

 

Not saying this is you mem11363

 

Thanks again!

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