MalachiX Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 You can read the full story of this thing here. The short version is as follows: I've been seeing a girl for about six weeks now. We were set up together because a good friend of mine (much older than I) is dating her mother. I've enjoyed going out with her and we had great sexual chemistry but I had doubts about taking things any further as I don't think we're compatible long term and I'm also going to be leaving this town by the end of the year. She also has a six month old kid which, I admit, is a bit more than I can handle. A week ago, I had asked her if she wanted to hang catch a movie and she told me that she was exhausted and just going to bed. The next day I found out from my friend that her mother had watched her child because her mother was under the impression we were going out to a movie. I figured that he was just confused (he's has legitimate hearing problems) but, when I saw the girl later that day, she immediatly admitted that she'd liked to me because a friend of hers was in town and staying with her and this was the only way to get her mother to babysit (because her mother apparently "loves" me). I, of course, didn't like the sound of this but amazingly, I told her it was "OK" mainly because I didn't want to break up with her or argue when her friend and her family were around. I was also relieved for a moment that she was the jerk rather than i since I had been thinking about ending the relationship. All I could muster was a quick hug and asking her if we could "talk" later. Anyway, after getting advice on these boards, I decided to just get it over with and break up with her. I figured I'd be honest and take the blame since I've realized I'm not ready to get close to anyone and not try to make her feel bad about lieing to me. Unfortunatly, when I texted her, "can we talk?" she told me her friend was in town and she was still too busy. Then, two days later, my older friend (the one who is dating her Mom), ended up canceling lunch with me because her Mom's family was coming into town and they were going to spend the weekend together. I figured if that was the case then the girl must be busy too and didn't try to contact her again. I then had to go out of town for a few days on business. So, now I'm back in town and it's been about a week since I last spoke to this girl. I havn't made contact since she said she was too busy to talk and neither has she. I also vaguely wonder if my friend who's dating her Mom is perhaps avoiding me because of this issue (though i doubt it since he's an disturbingly nice and understanding individual). My question is now if I go out of my way again to talk to her so we can break-up face to face. A lot of her recent actions obviously indicate a lack of interest in the relationship anyway. She might have been trying to give me a hint to be off (which is fine) or she might be avoiding contact with me out of fear I'll break up with her the next time we talk. I guess if it were any other girl I'd probably leave well enough alone but we share mutual friends, she has a kid, and so many people recently have told me how important it is to break-up face to face. Should I try one last time to meet with her and just give us both closure or, after a week without talking at all, is that really just pouring salt on a wound?
troggleputty Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Six weeks? How many times did you actually see her? I'd have to guess from the info you posted she never really considered she was in a "relationship" with you in the first place. It doesn't really sound like it ever got that far. She just saw you for a while and it never got to any degree of seriousness, although it may have gotten very physical for a while anyway. It doesn't really sound like there's anything to "break up" from, so don't worry about it. Time to "move on."
JustJoe Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 It's probably over, but if you really want to get the rep of a "stand-up guy," then e-mail her or text, one last time. Ask her if she wants to meet and discus your relationship or not, ask for a yes or no answer. If she says yes, then meet. If she says no, or doesn't reply at all, you have your answer, and can forget about her.
123BeachFan Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 You keep asking her to meet so you can talk, and she keeps delaying on you. It sort of sounds like you both broke up by default. My advice is similar to JustJoe's...contact her and request that you can meet to talk, and then leave it as-is. Either she takes you up on the offer to meet (and you break up face to face) or she never meets you again (and you stop seeing each other).
boogieboy Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Yep, she has already moved on, I say dont bother saying anything. She probably wont call you anyway...leave well enough alone. Then when she calls you 2 weeks later, you say "i thought we were broken up, why are you calling me?"
ADF Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 The only valid reason for not breaking up in person is if you honestly fear for your physical safety. Let's face it, most people who break up by phone or email or text message are just trying to make it as easy as possible on themselves, the other person's feelings be damned. That is not a decent way to treat people. You at least ought to respect them enough to tell them face to face.
Author MalachiX Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Ok, I'm officially throwing in the towel. I tried one last time and texted , "Have time to talk over coffee?" but was once again given an excuse. In some ways, I guess I'm relived at not having to go through a painful break-up conversation since it's now pretty clear she's not interested in the relationship either. At the same time, I'm a bit annoyed. I was trying hard to do this in person not just because so many claim that's the right thing to do but also because I thought that, since we hadn't been dating long, we might actually be able to make a clean break and bear no hard feelings. Hell, even if we'd had coffee and she'd dumped me first it would have been "ok" and we'd both be on the same page. Now I worry it'll really awkward if we run into each other again. I'm also not looking forward to being seen as a jilted lover by our mutual friends. Ah well...
txsilkysmoothe Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 It doesn't make sense she would avoid you to keep you from breaking up with her. What does she gain by never seeing you? I think she feels the same way you do. She hasn't called? That's a big indicator she isn't interested. I think she has also decided to end it, but do so by avoiding you. It sounds like your friend (who is dating her mom) may know something. I think you should confide in him that you want to break up with her. If he has heard through her mom that she wants to break up also, I'm sure he will tell you so and you can all have a good laugh. A mutual decision, neither dumped the other.
Author MalachiX Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 At this point, I really don't want to spend ANYMORE time with it. It might have been a good idea but I also really wanted to never involve my friend in our relationship since a romantic realtionship is much more volatile than a friendship. In my mind, we're broken up since I don't think any reasonable guy would assume otherwise after he'd been lied to once and ignored for over a week after that. I would have rather talked like adults, been clear, and hopefully even remained friends but I guess that's not how things are going to work. Maybe I'll get lucky and, if we do run into each other, enough time will have passed that we can just be friends and just not talk about when we dated for those six weeks. Regaurdless, I just don't feel it's worth any more energy trying to be a "stand-up guy."
craw Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 This Yep, she has already moved on, I say dont bother saying anything. She probably wont call you anyway...leave well enough alone. But don't actually say this! Then when she calls you 2 weeks later, you say "i thought we were broken up, why are you calling me?"
ADF Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Ok, I'm officially throwing in the towel. I tried one last time and texted , "Have time to talk over coffee?" but was once again given an excuse. In some ways, I guess I'm relived at not having to go through a painful break-up conversation since it's now pretty clear she's not interested in the relationship either. At the same time, I'm a bit annoyed. I was trying hard to do this in person not just because so many claim that's the right thing to do but also because I thought that, since we hadn't been dating long, we might actually be able to make a clean break and bear no hard feelings. Hell, even if we'd had coffee and she'd dumped me first it would have been "ok" and we'd both be on the same page. Now I worry it'll really awkward if we run into each other again. I'm also not looking forward to being seen as a jilted lover by our mutual friends. Ah well... Ugh. How depressing. Know what bothers me so much about stories like yours? They show how so many people are all about making things as ask as possible on themselves. They don't care how their actions affect others. They'll lie, evade, disappear--anything but risk having to have a difficult conversation. Bunch of selfish cowards.
Author MalachiX Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Ugh. How depressing. Know what bothers me so much about stories like yours? They show how so many people are all about making things as ask as possible on themselves. They don't care how their actions affect others. They'll lie, evade, disappear--anything but risk having to have a difficult conversation. Bunch of selfish cowards. Meh, she's only 21. I might have done the same thing at that age. I was more annoyed yesterday but am fine now since, after getting passed being ignored, I'm still glad I can say I did my best to be respectful and the relationship is over (knock on wood). Hopefully if we see each other again it'll be water under the bridge.
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