smartblonde Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Ive been divorced for over a year now and through a support group, I met a guy. We started talking and really hit it off. At first, we talked mostly about our divorces as it was what originally brought us together. But over time, the conversation expanded to everything else...kids, work, family. I don't attend the support group anymore but we talk almost every day on the phone. It been like this for over 3 months. He called last Saturday night and admitted that he wanted to take the relationship to the next level but was afraid to hurt me. He was in a relationship just after his divorce and had to break it off because he felt he wasn't ready for a relationhip so soon. He felt horrible that he had to break her heart and is worried the same thing will happen with me. He asked to come over because he wanted to see me and I agreed. We talked for a bit but eventually, we ended up in bed. No regrets....we both wanted it. Here's my problem...we still talk almost every day since that night but there has been no movement forward on our relationship. He hasn't asked me out (and neither have I, to be honest). I really don't know what to do next. I sometimes wonder if he's really interested in me because if he was, he would have made more of an effort to see me. Perhaps he's thinking the same thing about me? Could he really be too afraid to get into another relationship for fear of "hurting me" or is this just a smoke screen for "I only like you as a friend". Help!
troggleputty Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 He hasn't asked me out (and neither have I, to be honest). Ask him out.
txsilkysmoothe Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 He asked to come over because he wanted to see me and I agreed. We talked for a bit but eventually, we ended up in bed. No regrets....we both wanted it. Could he really be too afraid to get into another relationship for fear of "hurting me" or is this just a smoke screen for "I only like you as a friend". Help! More like a smoke screen for "I only want to have sex with you." He's pretty much warning you to not get involved with him. If he doesn't show any interest in "non-bedroom" activities, he isn't interested in a relationship.
MalachiX Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Well, I can tell you what I've meant when I've said the same thing to a girl. It's not as simple as, "I'm just using you for sex," but it's not as altruistic as, "I'm afraid I'll hurt you." What it really means is, "I'm interested in you but don't know if I really want to be in a committed relationship. I'd like to hang out with you because I enjoy your company and I'm attracted to you but I don't want there to be any expectations. I'm scared of hurting you because I might suddenly decide I don't want to be in a relationship and I'll cut romantic contact. Also, I like you as a friend so I'm scared that you may stay mad at me forever if I do my disappearing act." That's what it meant to me when I said it.
SadandConfusedWA Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 It means: I can sense that you REALLY like me, and I while I do find you attractive - I just don't like you as much as you like me. As we get involved I know that you will get even more attached and I most likely won't. When a guy tells you that you shouldn't get involved with hem, take it seriously.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I think your intuition is pretty much spot on... you know what Im talking about... its what made you post this here today... but one thing... why post here... why not simple inquire with him instead of assuming? my hunch is that you both found each other sexually attracted and wanted to sleep with one another... perhaps he doesnt really have any other interest than that... or he isnt ready... it takes a lot of people a minimum of 2 years to get over a divorce... plus he sounds wishy washy, deceptive, not totally aware who he is or what he wants... guaranteed if you were in a better place in your life emotionally, you wouldnt even give this guy a second glance. Dont think he is meaning to use you, but he is... and that could be true for you too... i wouldnt get my hopes up on that, as he has already warned... but if you need to know and/or closure... communicate... talk... you guys do it everyday... you guys have been naked together... what's the problem here?
Author smartblonde Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Thanks everyone...I was thinking these exact thoughts but needed to see it in writing for it to really sink in. I've been afraid to bring this up with him for fear of losing what we have. I do enjoy his friendship and don't want to lose that...and I don't want to hurt him by bringing up the relationship discussion and pushing him away because I do believe he values our friendship too. Hmmm...now what. I guess I have to really look deep into myself and see why I'm still "with" this guy. Reality check.
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