Justanotherdude Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Hello all, I'll keep this short. College guy looking for an advice, can't believe im on here. Met this girl in my class last semester, thought she was single - come to find out she has a boyfriend - ok, fine. no big deal. Pretty sure something is there. We'd joke with eachother a lot, etc etc, but she was tied down. Fast forward to today, we're still friends but her boyfriend broke up with her. Sounds great, right? Well, they were together for over a year. I basically let her know I liked her in a way that was pressure free (as if she didnt already know) and she came back at me with "After all that has happened, just looking for friends right now" Again I said no big deal, your bf of over a year just broke up with you, i get it. Not long after, she invites me out for a few beers and ends up going out with me and my friends. So, am I friend zoned or am I trying to get into the dating phase with this girl too quickly? Wouldn't she single me out if she wasn't interested at all? As in, "i think YOU'd make a good friend," "We're better off friends" My gut tells me the attraction is there, but what's holding this back?
boogieboy Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Have you ever been heartbroken? Were you able to date right away? Heres what you need to think about. If this girl looked at you, and your face makes her completely forget about her ex bf, you'd be dating her now. Thats not the case. Your best be is to dissappear from her for a few months until she gets over him. Otherwise you WILL be friend zoned, and she wont necessarily tell you either. She needs (in her mind) social support, new friends, and peiople to take her mind off her bf, but she is still thinking of him constantly while putting on a brave face. Not the time to jump in. Besides you'd only be a rebound filling the void of her ex. Stay away from her. FAAAAARRR away.
DustySaltus Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Have you ever been heartbroken? Were you able to date right away? Heres what you need to think about. If this girl looked at you, and your face makes her completely forget about her ex bf, you'd be dating her now. Thats not the case. Your best be is to dissappear from her for a few months until she gets over him. Otherwise you WILL be friend zoned, and she wont necessarily tell you either. She needs (in her mind) social support, new friends, and peiople to take her mind off her bf, but she is still thinking of him constantly while putting on a brave face. Not the time to jump in. Besides you'd only be a rebound filling the void of her ex. Stay away from her. FAAAAARRR away. +1. I know because I was the male version of her after my horrible breakup. I think it puts you in weird territory if you wind up going with her to the bar. Tell her you can't make it. You don't want your first date to be a group hangout session anyway. Let her heal for a while.
confused and broken Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 what is "can't believe im on here" suppose to mean?? If there is something wrong with LS than don't ask for advice
ADF Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I think there is a 90% chance you've been friend zoned, sorry to say. Not knowing this woman, I cannot say for sure, but it sounds like it. This, "I just got out of a relationship" business is an old, old line. Maybe in her case it is true. But I doubt it.
blind_otter Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 You have to do something unexpected, disarming, and charming. But this takes finesse and a light touch - something I think that probably older men who are more experienced with relationships in general, or men who were raised around sisters , can intuit more easily. And IME it is only those who can do this intuitively who can have any success at wooing a recently burned woman. It also takes perfect timing. So this whole post is probably a moot point, according to my theory. It really is amazing how people get together at all when you think about it.
boogieboy Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 BTW you NEVER tell a woman how you like her before you had sex. You just ruined any mystery she might have wondered about.
Author Justanotherdude Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Have you ever been heartbroken? Were you able to date right away? Heres what you need to think about. If this girl looked at you, and your face makes her completely forget about her ex bf, you'd be dating her now. Thats not the case. Your best be is to dissappear from her for a few months until she gets over him. Otherwise you WILL be friend zoned, and she wont necessarily tell you either. She needs (in her mind) social support, new friends, and peiople to take her mind off her bf, but she is still thinking of him constantly while putting on a brave face. Not the time to jump in. Besides you'd only be a rebound filling the void of her ex. Stay away from her. FAAAAARRR away. You make sense, I just gotta say she has shown interest in hanging out in a non group setting. I have been over to her place a few times, just us.... She has been hanging out with a lot of the same people I know that go to school with us, who are most definitely just friends..except I haven't been around much lately. I definitely don't wanna be the guy that just fills the void, I guess if I were only interested in being friends I wouldn't care
Author Justanotherdude Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Have you ever been heartbroken? Were you able to date right away? Heres what you need to think about. If this girl looked at you, and your face makes her completely forget about her ex bf, you'd be dating her now. Thats not the case. Your best be is to dissappear from her for a few months until she gets over him. Otherwise you WILL be friend zoned, and she wont necessarily tell you either. She needs (in her mind) social support, new friends, and peiople to take her mind off her bf, but she is still thinking of him constantly while putting on a brave face. Not the time to jump in. Besides you'd only be a rebound filling the void of her ex. Stay away from her. FAAAAARRR away. So are you saying I should reject this girl even if she asks me to hang out? Doesn't seem right given the fact that she said the whole "looking for friends right now" line maybe a week, week and a half at most after her boyfriend broke up with her. I don't know if it has been a month now, but she has had some time.
Odyssey Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 OP, if a girl tells you she's "...only looking to be friends" right now - listen to her! So i wouldn't push it. Otherwise someone's gonna get hurt down the line.
Author Justanotherdude Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 OP, if a girl tells you she's "...only looking to be friends" right now - listen to her! So i wouldn't push it. Otherwise someone's gonna get hurt down the line. So just let her come to me then.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I would try to not hang out with her. I was basically a glorified rebound once and if I had paid attention to the signs, I would've saved myself a lot of pain.
Odyssey Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 i mean... if you want to be friends then be friends... but don't be friends hoping for more (you'll end up over-analysing and maybe even mis-interpreting signs that are just friendly...and hurt). Or worst, push too hard and make her feel pressured - you might even lose the friendship... that's what i was trying to say. She knows how you feel. But she's not ready. The truth is, you can't make or force someone to want you. Who knows how she might feel about you in months or year's time? So just get on with your life and look for someone who is ready. Otherwise you could be waiting for a loooong time living in hope. It sucks man. I think timing is just as important as attraction.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 dude... they were in a relationship, regardless how intense, for over a year... its simply bad timing... she is smart in taking some time for herself to get over that relationship, get back in touch with herself, etc. The best you could ever hope for here is being a rebound, which 95% of them NEVER work out... she is in that phase of still thinking about 'him', comparing, remembering, being sad, being angry, coming to those conclusions its for the best, asking herself did they make the right decision, etc. You dont want to be caught in the middle of that. No offense, but your desperation and neediness is coming across very strong, which most likely is to her too... its the subtle things and non verbal communication that reveals intent and frame of reference. Get yourself together and calm down, relax... back off and dont be so impatient... she's told you what's up and from this point if you push a bit more, you can forget about even a friendship in the future. Be easy to be around (first for yourself) and then her... if she cant relax, she cant be comfortable... last thing she needs is yet another sticky situation of some guy giving her stress when she just wants some time to heal, catch her breath and do what's best for her.
boogieboy Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 So are you saying I should reject this girl even if she asks me to hang out? Doesn't seem right given the fact that she said the whole "looking for friends right now" line maybe a week, week and a half at most after her boyfriend broke up with her. I don't know if it has been a month now, but she has had some time. Yes, because you will only be hanging out with her hoping to date her. You will be getting your hopes up. I m saying dont hang out with her so YOU dont get attached. its not about her. Who cares what she is thinking. Dont try to think that you really want to be friends with her. When you get a new gf, THEN you can be friends with her.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 This is very true... its called "social proofing"... when they see proof of your desired or social value, they take more notice... seriously, guys are less likely to openly flirt with woman when she comes in the door with a guy... however, I can tell you how many times Ive almost commanded the attention of every hot babe in the room just because I was with a hot babe, and most the time they are just some platonic friend (but how can others know)... and dont be fooled... the women Im with notice what's going on as well. Strange phenomenon.
Author Justanotherdude Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 dude... they were in a relationship, regardless how intense, for over a year... its simply bad timing... she is smart in taking some time for herself to get over that relationship, get back in touch with herself, etc. The best you could ever hope for here is being a rebound, which 95% of them NEVER work out... she is in that phase of still thinking about 'him', comparing, remembering, being sad, being angry, coming to those conclusions its for the best, asking herself did they make the right decision, etc. You dont want to be caught in the middle of that. No offense, but your desperation and neediness is coming across very strong, which most likely is to her too... its the subtle things and non verbal communication that reveals intent and frame of reference. Get yourself together and calm down, relax... back off and dont be so impatient... she's told you what's up and from this point if you push a bit more, you can forget about even a friendship in the future. Be easy to be around (first for yourself) and then her... if she cant relax, she cant be comfortable... last thing she needs is yet another sticky situation of some guy giving her stress when she just wants some time to heal, catch her breath and do what's best for her. Thank you for the sound advice man. I had my head in my ass on this one. I know I'm not the problem, I know it's not a case of "she's not attracted to me" - simply bad timing right now. You're exactly right. Forum readers, listen to this guy. I had a bad breakup also and I couldn't see what was right in front of me. I'd easily reject the attractive girls when I went out - because I just didn't care. As far as the social proofing goes, I had the opportunity for the girl I'm interested in to see me out with another girl, (yes hot) but I went out with the fellas instead. Oh well. Thanks again cooldudeinberlin.
Engadget Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Honestly she's probably a little messed up in the head from the breakup, and truly doesn't want to be involved. I'm the same exact way right now to where I've said the same thing to girls I've met.
Author Justanotherdude Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 (edited) * Update I just wanted to say it had been a few weeks since me and this girl have spoken. No facebook, no texting, nothing. I pretty much backed off completely - which was the consensus here. She texts me at odd times - to "how are things" uninitiated by me. I respond casually later in the day. I just want to be clear - I'm not obsessing over this, I'm just trying to better understand my situation. I have not been in a "serious" relationship for quite some time. A little over 5 years now. I have been through a slew of casual relationships lasting anywhere from 3 weeks to 4 months. Some women I meet I have the genuine desire to get to know and date (longterm material) - others I see as potential conquests only; others as friends and nothing more. This girl would fall under the longterm material and I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm a fan of things developing organically, I certainly do not want to force anything. My point here is this, some effort is required. What do you think? I'm not saying I don't have options, I have plenty. How should my efforts be focused on the girl I'm most interested in? The one who I see the most potential with. I don't want to be something I'm not but I feel as though that's what I'm doing by not being more proactive here with this girl. Is it really going to make me that much more intriguing by backing off A TON? I would never obsessively text this girl, I have always kept a casual but flirtatious nature to our conversations while attempting to get to know her. Edited April 7, 2010 by Justanotherdude
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