Physical Graffiti Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I posted this in another forum here and evidently it was the wrong one. I'll start again here and maybe I can get some decent feedback. I changed the wording a bit but it's the same message. I recently had a one nighter with a man who says he's married on paper only, as am I. Let's put aside that they all say that - I'm just telling you what I was told. We agreed that this was sex only and not looking to break up families. Fine. We finally met and had amazing sex, but now he said he feels guilty. He said it takes too much out of him to plan it all, lie and cover his tracks. He said he wanted to have an ongoing thing, but after our first time together he said he felt guilty and couldn't handle lying about where he had been. I was disappointed but I accepted it. What else could I do, really? He said he loved it (no ****? really?) and he'd do it again in a minute if he were single. I know it's impossible to predict another's thoughts, feelings, actions, but I say he'll be back. I confided this in my male hair stylist and he said he has customers who do this all the time. They do it, feel guilty, get horny again, forget the guilt and come back. What's everyone's experience and opinions about this? Do you think he'll be back?
awkward Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) I say yes. ETA: How come he feels guilty if he is 'married on paper' only? Edited March 31, 2010 by awkward
Lizzie60 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 As I said in your other thread.. trust me.. he'll be back.. The guilt memory is very short ... 'horniness' makes it go away..
awkward Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 And please, just for my education, what exactly does "married on paper" mean? I'm not really sure but I think it means different things to different people. Maybe it means "staying for the kids" or "love you but not in love with you" or "sexless marriage" or "live on separate continents" or (and this is my favorite) "sleeps in the guest bedroom". I apologize for the run-on sentence.
bentnotbroken Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 maybe the sex was just bad and he wants to let you down easy.
Heather1 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 He'll be back....always with a disclaimer before (by before I mean on his phone while he's on his way & you've already agreed), sometimes during & the heave ho after saying he was honest. It's not fun.
Just a stone's throw Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I referred to it as his "Freak Out". It was pretty predictable after awhile. Definitely the horniness factor will overweigh the freak out eventually until he realizes that it's not worth it on his part.
Author Physical Graffiti Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 thanks Lizzie, you're most helpful! It had never dawned on me that the sex might have been bad but he must be a very good actor because it didn't seem like it to me. I wasn't hearing any complaining if you know what I mean.... Married "on paper" means just that. You're legally married only but you don't live as married people "normally" or "should" live. It's just like owning a house that you don't live in. Technically, legally, "on paper" it's yours but you don't live there. Like a marriage of convenience, you know? It's probably cheaper to stay married, or they stay married for the kids.
Author Physical Graffiti Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Well...it's a bit more complicated than that. I'M married on paper but my husband still thinks there's a chance. I posted on the other thread that I'm waiting for our house to sell, then I'm leaving. As for why wait around for him? I'm not, actually. I think he'll be back sooner or later. I just asked because I wondered if anyone had similar experiences and what the outcome was.
fooled once Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I think we understand the literal sense of "married on paper", but obviously, he is feeding you bull because if he was only 'married on paper' he wouldn't care if his wife finds out. And if you are staying until the house sells so you can get your half, and since you said both of your names are on the house, even divorced you get your 50%. been there, done that. I kept the house in my first divorce, had 3 years to sell it after the divorce and my ex got his proceeds. So does your H know you are having an affair? Maybe if you tell him, he will realize there isn't anything worth saving and you can end your marriage sooner, rather than later? And if this married guy is only married on paper, it wouldn't matter if you are one in a line of OW. Will he be back? I have no idea. Only he knows that.
Author Physical Graffiti Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 I know. One of two things are going to happen: he's gonna call or he's not. Is he full of it? Maybe. Maybe not. In the other thread I told about how I told my hair stylist about it and he said he has customers who do this sort of thing all the time and it's a cycle: do it, feel guilty, get horny, do it again, repeat. He said he gives him about two weeks before he calls again! Am I going to wait on him? No. I'd never tell my husband, but I am leaving, and it won't be any surprise to him. We haven't got along in years. I probably should have left years ago. I didn't leave because of the kids. I realize what a horrible mistake that was now. Can't turn back time. What's done is done.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 There is something to be said about getting good advice AND having great hair at the same time.... you can't get that on LS!!! Just kidding all LS-ers. You all are great! (I already have great hair ) Just intgergecting a little humor here.....
Heather1 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Wow! I need to talk to my hairdresser!! He has a crush on me though, so really don't want to open the door on that one. That's really how it is? It's been so hard for me to not feel rejected every time & I was fine with just the A part. Give him a tip for me, I thought I was going crazy!! I haven't told anyone about this.
moaningmyrtle Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I posted this in another forum here and evidently it was the wrong one. I'll start again here and maybe I can get some decent feedback. I changed the wording a bit but it's the same message. I recently had a one nighter with a man who says he's married on paper only, as am I. Let's put aside that they all say that - I'm just telling you what I was told. We agreed that this was sex only and not looking to break up families. Fine. We finally met and had amazing sex, but now he said he feels guilty. He said it takes too much out of him to plan it all, lie and cover his tracks. He said he wanted to have an ongoing thing, but after our first time together he said he felt guilty and couldn't handle lying about where he had been. I was disappointed but I accepted it. What else could I do, really? He said he loved it (no ****? really?) and he'd do it again in a minute if he were single. I know it's impossible to predict another's thoughts, feelings, actions, but I say he'll be back. I confided this in my male hair stylist and he said he has customers who do this all the time. They do it, feel guilty, get horny again, forget the guilt and come back. What's everyone's experience and opinions about this? Do you think he'll be back? Hmm.. so your male hair sylist has married men customers who feel guilty about having sex with him and then come back for more once they get horny again? I am assuming you are male as you and he seem to be drawing parallels between your own situations. I have always heard that married men who also want a bit of male-to-male sex are able to compartmentalize even better than those who just want some opposite gender sex. So yes once the horniness returns the guilt subsides - I expect it's like a see-saw. Same; if I've got it all wrong and you are female.
Author Physical Graffiti Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 My hair guy and I are tight. He's been doing my hair for almost 20 years. You know it's been said that some people use their hairdressers as therapists? It's true! This guy has heard everything. He doesn't mention names of course but you should hear some of the stuff he's told me!
Author Physical Graffiti Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 No! My hair guy has customers who are male (I'm female!) who confide in him that they have affairs/one nighters/whatever, feel guilty, stay away for a while, then do it again. The hornies are stronger than the guilt, or, as he says "His soul has a conscience but 'certain body parts' do not". Why do I care? Oh, because I'd like for him to come back, I suppose.
ADF Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 It is impossible to say for sure what this man was thinking. But if I had to guess, I 'd say he never had any intention of being with you more than once. He just said he did to lure you into bed. He's probably doing the same to someone else as we speak. No, I don't think he'll be back.
Author Physical Graffiti Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 But the weird thing for me was that he called and texted me all the time with his life story, and it wasn't even necessary! I told him I'd have sex with him before he started all that. We met online and didn't have the opportunity to get together for a few weeks. Why go through all that? I know more about him than I do my neighbor across the street, who has lived there for 15 years!
bentnotbroken Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 thanks Lizzie, you're most helpful! It had never dawned on me that the sex might have been bad but he must be a very good actor because it didn't seem like it to me. I wasn't hearing any complaining if you know what I mean.... Married "on paper" means just that. You're legally married only but you don't live as married people "normally" or "should" live. It's just like owning a house that you don't live in. Technically, legally, "on paper" it's yours but you don't live there. Like a marriage of convenience, you know? It's probably cheaper to stay married, or they stay married for the kids. Men can rub against rough cloth and have an orgasim. Never heard of lying about sex?
Author Physical Graffiti Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 I suppose so. I never thought of that. Hmmmm.....
Heather1 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 That could be true ADF... I knew my xOM for awhile & we didn't have sex for months after our first kiss. Could you ask your hair guy if these guys ever consider OW feelings? Just curious if men think of this as a free hooker.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Hooker and therapist. Help them through all of life's "little" problems.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Finding a horny willing guy (married or not) is kinda like shooting fish in a barrel! Don't ya think! I would never place any bets on the etiology of their compulsion.(Beyond the horny willing part that is!)
Recommended Posts