Mindwanders Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Hi, This is my first post, have been reading alot on this forum but still can't get my head around whats happening to me. My fiance and I split up just over 3 weeks ago following a 2year relationship.. Basically we had not been having a great time over the past few months. I had been in a constant negative mood for a while due to job and money worries. Not her fault but it was getting me down and in turn she did not enjoy being around me. This is not how we were normally, just the last few months had been tough and i thought it'd pass. We argued about silly things and seemed to get irriated my the smallest things. We lived in a very small flat and were on top of eachother constantly, due to money problems we couldn't go out and enjoy ourselves as much and essentially i think she just got bored. We had put alot of pressure on ourselves with getting engaged so soon and had started talking about buying a house, babies, weddings. I knew we were having problems, we had talked about it and seemed to be getting better, i know we are good together and knew everything would be fine once i had the new job, money and we were looking forward to getting a bigger place next month. Essentially, she left me a week later following the talk. She wanted some space and independance (i had never restricted this, i let her live her own life and if anything encouraged her to go out and do her own thing, she had a job so could afford to go out and enjoy herself and i didn't mind). Initially i was upset because i thought we were trying to work it out, she said she'd come back the next day and stay, she came back the next day and took more of her stuff. (She moved to her mums). I tried to talk her around but she basically said too much had happened and the memories would always be there. I understood what she was saying but wanted to work it out and erase any bad memories with lots of good ones . I never initiated contact after this, she text me in the week asking how i was etc. 5 days after we had split up she came into the house when i wasn't in and took all of her stuff. When i got home i called her to ask why it had got this far, she essentially said that we were definately finished for good, i asked for the ring back, i didn't want it back but thought it was the right thing to do and discussed closing any joint accounts we had. She dropped it around the next day, hugged me and said she'd miss me. A week later i called her just to say hello and we ended up having a 3hr talk, some good, some bad and we agreed to give each other some space for a while. She then proceeded to call me every day that week, she asked me to go for lunch, which we did, it was nice, we just chatted and she kept smiling at me, later that evening she told me it was great to see me and if it was a first date it would have been perfect. She continued to call me that week, offering to pick me up if i needed a lift anywhere, just because she wanted to talk to me and basically admitted she didn't like not knowing where i was. I let her one day and she asked to come in the house for a hug, i let her, it was nice, we talked a bit, she then seemed to go blank and left. Needless to say this confused me as she had already said that we were definately finished. At the weekend she called me asking if id like to come over in the evening to spend some time together, initially i said no, i told her that what she had been doing was confusing me and i didn't want to be messed about, she apologised, i then thought maybe she is trying to reach out, so i said yes id like to come over, at which point she told me not to worry as she had one of her girl friends coming over anyway and she'd let me know if there was time after. I went out on the town with my friends instead. She asked to meet up on Sunday, so we did, went for a walk and drink, no relationship talk, just normal chit chat, we then drove back to hers and made some food and had a more serious talk, basically blaming me for everything that had happened, we hugged quite a bit, she said it'd be good to meet up every few weeks and see how it goes. I ended up staying a bit too long that night, just seemed to go over the same things over and over. She then called me again on Monday, Tuesday to tell me that she was not enjoying living with her parents so was going to move in with a guy from work, i was surprised but didn't say anything about it. I then randomly bumped into her this afternoon and we went for some lunch quickly. She said how she had tried to call 5 times and was worried that i didn't answer (my phone was dead). On the way back to her work she was saying things like, it was great to see you, you smell nice and eventually she said she doesn't think she could ever find someone as great as me and agreed with what i had said about we wouldn't know if we could be good together if we didn't spend time together. She has also just moved out of her mums and is renting a room in a work mates house, he is a guy but has a girlfriend apparently. I'm just confused by how fast she's moving, a few weeks before the split we had been talking about, houses, holidays, weddings, even babies and a few weeks later we're split up, shes moved in with someone else (despite saying she wanted independance) yet is still showing that she has feelings for me. I am past the point of feeling upset, i am just confused by her actions. Does she want to be with me or is she just keeping me hanging on. Apologies for the long post, hopefully it makes sense, there is so much more i could say...
mark982 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 in my opion, she moved into her moms for a tiny bit to make it look like there wasn't another guy. but there is, all she was doing was tring to save face,and people not call her a ho. keep you phone dead, or block her calls, she's just keeping you on the back burner till she test drives this om, and sees if he pans out.
Author Mindwanders Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 That had crossed my mind but she's not like that. Its her boss basically, he has a big place and she is renting a whole floor off of him, he has a girlfreind whom is the neighbor. He is also 33 and balding:p, we are both 24. She has said she is only going to stay there for a month and move back to her mums possibly. Basically her brother is moving back home for a month and they don't get on so she wanted to stay somewhere else. I can see why you'd say that, but she is very careful with men, she has told me i am the only person she has ever trusted in that way and that she has no intention of seeing anyone else. Fine she could be saying that to make me feel better but she has been contacting me alot over the last week because i haven't been calling her. I'm just surprised at how fast she is moving with all of her decisions.
Author Mindwanders Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Also, if thats the case, why would she openly tell me these things?
Chochobong Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Older and married but your ex-fiance sounds similar to my wife.
Author Mindwanders Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Older and married but your ex-fiance sounds similar to my wife. Please continue
Chochobong Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Please continue http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?do=finduser&u=81750
Author Mindwanders Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?do=finduser&u=81750 Cheers mate, ill have a read.
Author Mindwanders Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 There definately are some similarities in what you have written. I should add as well, reference her new living arrangements. Another of her colleagues has rented from him as well, previously, so i think he does it just to get a bit from extra cash. But its still strange, regardless, why would you want to live with your boss? Its only a small office anyway, doesn't sounds very professional, they just all seem to be freinds, which is why she felt ok to live there i guess. I just think, she wanted independance, was talking about renting somewhere herself but then jumps in and does this, i guess its easier because there is not contract so she can leave when ever she wants.
GrayClouds Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Essentially, she left me a week later following the talk. She wanted some space and independance (i had never restricted this, i let her live her own life and if anything encouraged her to go out and do her own thing, she had a job so could afford to go out and enjoy herself and i didn't mind). She has someone else in mind, wanting space is another way to say I want to do someone else. It sounds like your a nice guy and supportive. She is going to use that against you by keeping you on the hook in case the grass is not greener over there. Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option. Time to focus on yourself, go NC and start the healing. Start by reading the following: So you want a second chance? I wish you well.
DustySaltus Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Look at her actions, not her words. She moved out. She gave you back the ring. Blamed you for everything that happened. Moved in with some dude who may or may not have a GF. I was engaged as well and I went through a horrible breakup. The only point I really started to feel any progress and really process the whole relationship is when I completely cut off all contact with her. Yeah, it hurt like hell but now I realize why things didn't work out. She doesn't want you to hate her. She wants to feel less guilty about things. Whether or not there is some other guy at this point is irrelevant. She is choosing NOT to be with you. The best way to respond to that is to disappear. Let her feel what life is like without you. And unless she comes back and says that she made a mistake, wants to work on fixing the problems (her problems too) and will do whatever it takes to make it work....don't pick up the phone. I moved to another country to be with my ex and lived in a small flat as well. I left a great job to be with her and was unemployed while she continued to work at her job just like always. I blew through my savings when I lived there between flights, living expenses and engagement ring. Only to be told I wasn;t serious about the relationship. We would argue and had the same conversation that you had. "hey, we're going to be alright. I'll never leave you, we'll always find a way through things". A few days later I got kicked out. Again, the best response is no response....Indifference. I know this is hard to fathom at this point but you need to heal on your own terms. And as far as whose fault it is, she's the one that left at the end of the day instead of working through things. She clearly had no idea about what marriage and commitment is all about. Every day is not sunshine and rainbows. Relationships are not tested in their best times, but in trying times. She failed that test. If she wants to get back in your good graces, she needs to repeat the course from scratch, otherwise it's a waste of time.
Author Mindwanders Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Thanks for your input, i have been very supportive to her and always tried to do the right thing, may have made mistakes in the process but have always done what i felt was best and she hasn't seen it that way. I guess my negativity towards her started when she didn't seem to appreciate that. She even said, she knows that she asks for too much. I find it hard to believe she would have found someone else this quickly, we were engaged 3 weeks ago! She has also suggested that we keep our joint bank account open and she suggested that she was going to put me on her car insurance renewal for the next year?! Why!! IF she has moved on then her actions over the last few weeks don't match that in my opinion, constantly calling and wanting to see me etc, but if that is the case, then its her loss i guess. We were great together, thought we would be for a fair bit longer too but if she doesn't see that theirs nothing i can do and im not going to contact her. I haven't initiated contact at all over the past few weeks, but she has called me daily and i've answered, although i did ignore one call and she called back again within minutess?! I'm going to try my best to keep NC from now on.
Author Mindwanders Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Every day is not sunshine and rainbows. Relationships are not tested in their best times, but in trying times. She failed that test. If she wants to get back in your good graces, she needs to repeat the course from scratch, otherwise it's a waste of time. Thankyou! I wish she realised this, her opinion appears to be that life should be perfect. Relationships are hard sometimes and you should be able to work through it. I understand what you are saying about her actions say more than her words, i suppose i am just confused as to why she contacts me daily, normally with a stupid reason just to talk to me. When i haven't answered she just calls back or brings it up the next time i talk to her "Why didn't you call back" etc. I am going to resume to not calling her and will ignore more calls, like you say, if she really wanted something more from me, she should just come out and say it.
DustySaltus Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) Thankyou! I wish she realised this, her opinion appears to be that life should be perfect. Relationships are hard sometimes and you should be able to work through it. I understand what you are saying about her actions say more than her words, i suppose i am just confused as to why she contacts me daily, normally with a stupid reason just to talk to me. When i haven't answered she just calls back or brings it up the next time i talk to her "Why didn't you call back" etc. I am going to resume to not calling her and will ignore more calls, like you say, if she really wanted something more from me, she should just come out and say it. My ex expected life to be perfect as well. I can tell you that there are people out there all time who leave someone who meets 90% of their needs just to try and find someone who meets 95% of them. They realize that the "grass isn't greener" and they try to get back to that 90%, but most of the time it's gone. I know, because at one point I was this guy. I left someone who wasn't perfect but accepted me for who I was and probably had 90% of the things I was looking for. In the end I wound up getting engaged to someone that I thought had 100% of what I wanted only to find out it was 50%. Of course when I had this revelation and tried to get the old one back she wanted nothing to do with me. And you know what, I can't blame her. But I learned a very valuable lesson from that experience. She needs to learn that lesson too. Don't pick up her phone calls at all. Just disappear. The most profound impact you have on her is to be there when she wants you to be or needs you in some shape or form. Edited March 31, 2010 by DustySaltus
Author Mindwanders Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) Thanks, i appreciate the advice. Its quite funny, she said to me earlier "i couldn't imagine anyone more perfect for me than you". We'll just have to see how long it takes her to realise that. I am going to resume NC and get on with my life. Its so much more expensive being single!! But i am enjoying getting out with my mates again, making new freinds also, has been really good fun. NO CONTACT it is Cheers for the advice Dusty. Edited March 31, 2010 by Mindwanders
Author Mindwanders Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 So, she text me last night with the "I miss you, Sleep well". I didn't reply but ended up on the phone to her this afternoon, she seemed upset i hadn't replied, i just said that you should know how i feel. Anyway, we spoke for a bit and i asked her to be upfront and honest about the way she feels. She said that she wishes we could work through any issues we had and if we could we would have the perfect relationship. I agreed and said i'd like to work it out if she was willing to do so. She has said that she is worried about getting back together because everyone knows we have split up and that would make things more difficult? Someone told her that my family wouldn't accept her anymore?? I made it clear that my family have no bad feelings, they know why we split up but just hoped we'd work it out so they're fine. Also, regardless of what other people think, we are what matters, if we can work it out and have a stronger relationship from what has happened recently then its all good. Any family and friends would see this and accept it, if not, then they are not worth it. I've made it clear how i feel once again, she appears to be coming around to the idea which is good, i don't feel that im hanging on, i'm just taking it day by day, she is worried about giving it another go but wants to, i'll just give her the space and see what happens.
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