My situtation

[Chess Game]

My stbx filed for divorce last week. I caught her in an affair in January, we had a few false starts trying to patch things, I'm pretty sure she's still in the A, and she says she's ready for D.

 

She is still living in the house with me and our two daughters. I have asked her several times to move out but she won't go. I talked to my attorney yesterday and now that she has filed for divorce, I am going to file for a temporary restraining order to try to get her out of the house. I simply cannot stand to be in her presence if she's still with the OM. There is a risk that the judge could order me out of the house. It could really go either way.

 

In the last few days, since she told me she was filing, she has changed all of her passwords and has started locking the car she drives (we both own it) at night. The car is parked in the garage, she never locked it before. When asked why she's doing these things, her response is that "everybody is telling her to do it" since the decision to D has been made. I think "everybody" is probably her attorney and her sister.

 

She is completely financially dependent on me. Yesterday I told her, via text, that I was cutting her off with the exception of money for gas and enough to buy lunch. She didn't respond.

 

In light of her locking our car's doors and changing her cell phone password, I'm tempted to tell her if she's going to treat her car like she owns it she can pay for her own gas. I've already told her she needs to figure out how to pay for her cell phone.

 

Anybody see anything wrong with me completely cutting her off until a judge orders otherwise? She is a remorseless cheater, on the other hand she is the mother of my children.

Edited March 31, 2010 by Chess Game

[mark982]

the only thing i see wrong with it is, you warned her about doing it. now she's got time to max out any cc cards you have, or drain your accounts. you can't threaten w/o having the backbone to do it. you're not her daddy, at the moment your giving her a roof over her head,food on the table, but why do you have to give her spending money? she says kids need something, you go buy it. i think you get what i'm getting at. myself, i'd shut her cell phone off, you gotta make life difficult, before she sees what life is like without you. don't you have keys to the car that you both own? she's hiding something. also since SHE has no income pay close attention to your credit report since she knows everything about you,could open new accts( that u know nothing about) in your name.

[Chess Game]

I've already moved all the cash out of the joint accounts. We don't have any joint credit cards. I'm not sure if I can legally cancel a card that's only in her name so there is probably nothing I can do about that. I will ask my attorney. It's not a threat. I'm either cutting her off completely or severely restricting her to a beans and water allowance. I guess my question is:

 

Is it too draconian to cut her off completely or do I owe it to her (either legally or morally) to provide beans and water?

[Chess Game]

myself, i'd shut her cell phone off, you gotta make life difficult, before she sees what life is like without you. don't you have keys to the car that you both own? she's hiding something. also since SHE has no income pay close attention to your credit report since she knows everything about you,could open new accts( that u know nothing about) in your name.

 

I can't cut off her phone directly, it's in her name. But obviously I don't have to give her money for the bill. No, I don't have a key. She's got them both. Yes, obviously she is hiding something. I asked for the spare key this morning. She said "OK". So I stood around silently waiting.... pause, pause, pause. Finally I said ,"OK, where's the key?". "Oh, I have to find it." Clearly buying time to sweep the car of evidence.

 

For me, this isn't about proving she's with the OM still. It's really more pain than I want to think about. I'm already convinced she is, I don't need proof. But I'm fed up with her wanting to leave, demanding her privacy and acting like she has her own property until it's time to pay the bills. When the bills come, everything is community property all of a sudden.

 

Very good point about the credit report. I will be watching that.

[aimchase]

Chess,

 

I'm in a similar boat in terms of a stbxw who engaged in an OM. We have two kids as well.

 

My recommendation is this - the woman is a b*tch and deserves nothing from you. However, your priority, before anything else, has to be your kids.

 

Therefore I totally agree that you need to take action in order to stop being financially supportive to her. It's over - she made her bed, now she needs to lie in it.

 

BUT you need to be the bigger man here and think of how anything you do will indirectly affect your children. Believe me, I loathe my ex with a passion but i'm very civil with her, pay maintenance, and look to keep deeply involved with decisions regarding my children. I get attention seeking messages and abuse all the time from the ex (she's BPD), but I keep a consistent, calm approach. This irritates her more than any abuse I could ever spout back!

 

Your kids did nothing wrong here and they need your love and support.

 

Cut what you can, move the wife away from dependency. But be proactive about what you do in a calm and well judged manner. It'll speak volumes about you, trust me.

 

Aim

[Doing it Since '78]

Bro,

 

At some point since you are the breadwinner, the court is going to fleece you like nobody's business. Might as well get your licks in now, before it is made mandatory for you to provide for her "new" lifestyle with her OM. Not only would I cut her off completly, I would also get rid of the freaking car. Let the snatch back man have it, if she wants it she can rescue the car from repossession, by getting a job and providing for herself, or better yet her new dude could break bread, but we all know that is not going to happen

 

Under no circumstances would I allow her to carry herself like she has been in your presence. Tell her to GTFO, and ASAP. If she is still thick in her fog she will leave, and more than likely leave the kids behind to be with her OM, strike while the iron is hot, if not once it cools down she is going to be very angry with you, and this whole thing may get ugly.

 

Right now she just wants her OM, but after that cools, she is going to want your money, and going to want to hurt you as much as possible

 

In the voice of the guy from Karate Kid "SHOW NO MERCY!"

Edited March 31, 2010 by Doing it Since '78

[Chess Game]

Well aimchase and DIS'78 have expressed the two ends of the spectrum pretty well and it's these two extremes that are bouncing around in my head.

 

As a practical matter, I can't take the car from her. I do need her to take care of the kids, pick them up from school, etc. So she needs safe, reliable transportation and she needs gas in the tank. Right now I'm thinking of putting her on a severe allowance, like $500 for the month. Just enough to get gas and lunch (she drives a tank and we live 15 miles from anything so we spend $350 on gas alone). I've told her anything else, she needs to come see me about.

 

Like I said in my OP, I have asked her to move out several times. I can't legally kick her out of her house. My only recourse there is to file the temporary restraining order and hope the judge kicks her out and not me.

 

The last few days we have not talked about a whole lot except the kids. Been very LC. But just looking at her brings pain and I just don't want her around. We have both been very involved in the kids day to day lives from day one and I don't want to deprive my kids of that.

 

I know, intellectually, that putting her on this restrictive allowance is reasonable under the circumstances and justifiable. But it hasn't stopped me from feeling miserable for doing it. I'm just not a cruel person and my training for the last 10 years to take care of this woman and my children is hard to just turn off. I'm feeling like a piece of crap right now.

 

I know this guilt is mis-placed and that I need to just trudge through it. Hard though.

[mark982]

ok, 500.00 is reasonable. but don't dole it out at once. need gas, here--then subtract it. but you can stop paying her phone bill,she wants any extras, get a job. you gotta make life tuff,to the point you're squeezing water out of a rock.

[LisaUk]

Hi Chess

 

I'm not sure I agree with the whole cutting her off. My first reaction, when I read your post this morning, was to tell you to tell this b***h to go **** herself and cut her off completely, she wants to be with OM, let her find out what the big wide world is all about!

 

Having given it some thought though, it occured to me that when you go to court and the judge hears how you have cut her off, it may result in you paying more long term? If they see you have been reasonable, even in the face of her disgusting behaviour, then maybe they will give her terms that involve her getting work? I'm not too sure how your system works in the US?

[Chess Game]

Lisa, our system varies state to state. Your questions are all good questions of strategy for my attorney. Lucky for me, in my state we/she does not meet the requirements for me to have to pay her alimony. I won't have to pay anything. Child support will be calculated based on a simple formula, a percentage of my net income.

 

That is, of course, if she gets custody. I am trying to get custody.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, our system varies state to state. Your questions are all good questions of strategy for my attorney. Lucky for me, in my state we/she does not meet the requirements for me to have to pay her alimony. I won't have to pay anything. Child support will be calculated based on a simple formula, a percentage of my net income.

 

That is, of course, if she gets custody. I am trying to get custody.

 

Well it's good to know I am thinking like a lawyer, seeing as how my final law school exams are in 6 weeks time! LOL OK, so no alimony, so run it past your lawyer and if no probs in terms of your assets and her realtive share, cut the c*w off! I despair of how some people treat other people and then act like the world owes them a living, what the h**l does she think you are?!

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

I can't help but add, like other posters, that you should subtly cut her off ... give her the $500 by installments as at when needed to buy gas. Being considerate shouldn't equate being a doormat.

 

Trust me, she claimed she is filing for divorce, but she won't. She is in la la land. All I can tell you is that you have to hold your own and protect yourself by acting 'selfish'. She needs to be on her own now since she got too much time on her hands.

[2.50 a gallon]

This is War!

 

You need to CYA. Get yourself a Voice Activated Recorder and keep it in your pocket at all times when in her presence

 

Here is the game plan, she will instigate a fight with you, then call the police and have you locked up, and while you are in the slammer, file a TRO on you, then move the OM in.

 

It happens quite often.

 

And never tell her your plans, she is your enemy

[mark982]

damn good advice gallon.

[Doing it Since '78]

This is War!

 

You need to CYA. Get yourself a Voice Activated Recorder and keep it in your pocket at all times when in her presence

 

Here is the game plan, she will instigate a fight with you, then call the police and have you locked up, and while you are in the slammer, file a TRO on you, then move the OM in.

 

It happens quite often.

 

And never tell her your plans, she is your enemy

 

Couldn't have framed it better myself, the woman you knew is gone! As far as custody, unless she gives it away to you willingly, or she has a needle filled with dope in her arm, slight chance of that. My own STBXW actually hired a PI to check me out, I caught the cunt digging in my recycle bottles trying to pin me as an drunk, be careful bro! Once her fog is lifted (just a little bit), her next reaction is blame/anger and then you have a woman scorned, who will go to no depths to kick you in the nuts at every turn.

 

Be smart, since you know the most she can get out of you is child support, why allow her to continue to use your money to fund her party

[Gunny376]

It is doubtful that the judge is gong to evict her from the martial home without any visible means of support, job, income. Especially in this economy.

 

More than likely if anyone is forced to move? It will be you, since your the breadwinner.

 

This then set precedence and leads to her and the children stay in the home while you foot the bills and the bill for the child support.

 

This is easily done in most courts, as all she has to do is swear in court to mental, emotional or even fear of physical abuse. She doesn't have to prove it? She merely must testify that she's in fear of your potential to do so.

 

So 2.5 Gallon gave you some most excellent advice in getting a VOX (Voice Activated Recorder) microcassette or digital recorder.

 

I would think long and hard about not paying her cell phone. I know, I know. But not doing so could be used against you in that you are putting her and the children at jeopardy in that you live 15 miles from anything.

 

It also establishes controlling behavior on your part, and any 1st year lawyer could make legal hay out of this and this alone?

 

The fact that she is or may be carrying an extra martial affair legally in most states means nothing, gets you nothing, and accomplishes nothing.

 

You have to understand that most family court judges are elected, and since there are more women that vote than men?

 

That is unless you just happen to luck up and get a male judge whose currently going through his sixth divorce and whose wife is trying to bleed him dry?

 

My advice to you would be to check your attitude, your anger, temper, self righteousness, indignation, get control of your emotions, and get your head together.

 

You've got a better chance shot at getting custody than you think or others would have you believe.

 

Women typically custody because men don't even try and get custody. That is to say women get custody 90% of the time. But in the 10% of the cases where the fathers seeks custody? They're awarded it 90% of the time.

 

LisaUK is right legally, you want to play your cards close to your chest and become one "Cool Hand Luke!"

 

In the Marine Corps we Gunny's use to carry around 8x5 government issued cloth bound books. (Smarter ones bought their own out in tha' ville at an office supply store. Government issued ones were "Government Property" the latter ones and what was contained in them were "Private Property" Anything in "government issued" could and would be used against you ~ that is to say your own words that you freely wrote could be used legally against you!)

 

In them we wrote down who, what, when, where, exact times (i.e. 13:08) and dates that any and everyone did, said, and ordered. In other words? We documented everything, trusted no one, depended upon no one.

 

I would recommend you do the same. Document any and everything she says, does, comes and goes, interacts with etc?

[Chess Game]

Little update for all:

 

My attorney has verified that she has filed the petition for divorce but did not file a TRO. We are going to file that. The judges orders will become the precendent in the case. I feel like I need to get moving on this because while she was in her fog, I was hauling the heavy load of parenting duty. It's all documented with witnesses. Now she is going for mother of the year, probably on her attorney's advice. I don't want to let any grass grow under my feet on that.

 

Gunny's warning is well received. Lucky for me, 5 of our 6 family court judges are men. My attorney says that 4 of the 6 will favor the father if the case is 51/49 in favor of dad. The other two judges are a wild card. We'll just have to see who we get.

 

Certainly, if it made a defference and kept me in the house with the kids, I'd agree to support her temporarily while she gets on her feet. This certainly isn't about money for me. I would definitely pay her to go away.

[tnttim]

You need to defog her a little to get things to start to go your way. First, you file for D, no reason to wait for her to do it. If you can't, at least keep pushing the D to her. Second, you pay all the bills you paid before minus anything extra she wants, like cell phone, and going out money. Since you share the car, you fill it up with gas when it needs it. Do not give her any cash whatsoever. Third, act happy around her no matter what. This is the hardest to pull off but the most effective because she will start to wonder what's going on with you. The more she thinks about you in a non negative light the more the fog will lift. The final step and the one no one listens to me on is date another women, instant defogger. It may seem shocking but by dating someone else she will feel like she has truly lost you, and her warning system will kick into over drive. You are still a doormat to her right now, pull that mat away and watch her fly onto her as*, it will wake her up.

[Chess Game]

Our judge has been assigned and it looks good for me. He was previously a family law attorney himself and practiced against my attorney for 25 years. My attorney knows him well and likes him. In fact, my attorney was his campaign treasurer and a campaign advisor :laugh:

 

He's one of the judges that my attorney said would favor the father in a custody case if the case is 51/49 in favor of dad.

[mark982]

whens the hearing?

[Chess Game]

I don't have an exact date yet but it should be 14 days from the date we file the TRO which may be today.

[Meatballsmom]

Do not let your guard down

 

In reading your first post, she is getting advice from somewhere, could be her attorney, and attorneys have been known to advocate a police showdown, as Gallon mentioned.

 

Who knows about the affair?

 

I have a friend who called all that he knew, friends, family, his and hers. She went ballistic, started the fight, called the police, made false claims and when my friend played back the recording she got arrested. When the cops get called to a domestic violence scene, the standard situation is one of them goes to jail.

 

That gave him the edge in getting custody of the children.

 

Kids come first.

[Chess Game]

Everybody knows about the affair. I blew the whistle back at the end of January. Even the little green men on Mars know about it.

 

Right now she is the exact opposite of confrontational or picking fights. She is acting like she is exhausted from even talking to me. We have been civil but very LC, just as much her doing as mine. I will get in the habit of keeping my iphone recording in my pocket while I'm around her. It can't hurt.