SweetyBear Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 My boyfriend of two years is technically still married and I just found out yesterday. He "thought" everything had gone through and was finalized, but it wasn't. Add to this the fact that although we have been dating for as long as we have, I've never met anyone in his family but his son and he spends limited time with me due to always working. We live about 45 minutes apart and he always comes down my way instead of me going up there. We have discussed it at length, and I really want to believe him, but I also don't want to be a fool either. I have never felt the urge to double-check on his stories about where he is and when, but now I do. I feel like I either need to just decide to trust him or the relationship is doomed. His thought is basically just that. He doesn't feel like he should have to "prove" anything to me, but he's not completely overly defensive either. He is supposed to let me know once things have been settled like they should've been years ago, so should I just wait it out and resist my urge to do my own digging? When we first met, he told me he'd been divorced already for four years, so add two to that and it's been six years and he's telling me he had no clue that he's still married??
SarahRose Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 My boyfriend of two years is technically still married and I just found out yesterday. He "thought" everything had gone through and was finalized, but it wasn't. Add to this the fact that although we have been dating for as long as we have, I've never met anyone in his family but his son and he spends limited time with me due to always working. We live about 45 minutes apart and he always comes down my way instead of me going up there. We have discussed it at length, and I really want to believe him, but I also don't want to be a fool either. I have never felt the urge to double-check on his stories about where he is and when, but now I do. I feel like I either need to just decide to trust him or the relationship is doomed. His thought is basically just that. He doesn't feel like he should have to "prove" anything to me, but he's not completely overly defensive either. He is supposed to let me know once things have been settled like they should've been years ago, so should I just wait it out and resist my urge to do my own digging? When we first met, he told me he'd been divorced already for four years, so add two to that and it's been six years and he's telling me he had no clue that he's still married?? Obviously he is lying to you. I'm not sure what else you need to know. Have you ever been to his house? Do you have his home telephone number and not a cell phone? It is very easy to check public records to see if someone is married or not. He is probably very married.
mansquito Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 What a load. Unless he's a total dingus, he absolutely knew whether he was technically divorced or not. You're perfectly justified in doing your own digging. He's been pretty blatantly lying to you for the past two years.
phineas Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 What a load. Unless he's a total dingus, he absolutely knew whether he was technically divorced or not. You're perfectly justified in doing your own digging. He's been pretty blatantly lying to you for the past two years. This. I Personally plan on having the paperwork stating i'm no longer married framed & displayed in my entryway for all female visitors to view. 1
123BeachFan Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Yep. Very definitely married and intentionally being dishonest with you. It is even more telling that he has you hidden from everyone except his son. Two years is a very long time to date someone without meeting friends, family, co-workers, etc. Just curious, but how did you come to find out he's still legally married?
VertexSquared Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I don't buy his excuse for a second. Marriage is a pretty ubiquitous thing when it comes to various forms of paperwork, and it's not something you "miss having gone through" when it's gone, especially when it's in terms of YEARS. That's almost as ridiculous as saying "Whoops, I forgot that I actually have a son!" or something. "He doesn't feel like he should have to "prove" anything to me, but he's not completely overly defensive either." Instead of trying to meet you in the middle with your legitimate concerns (which are justified by evidence, to boot) about trust and the implications pertaining to the relationship, he's just trying to dismiss everything as nonissues.
torranceshipman Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Poor you-this must be heartbreaking. He is without a shadow of a doubt lying to you, is definitly very aware that he is still married and has kept most of his life closed off from you so his wife (and possibly kids) don't find out about you, & vice versa. He is real scum to treat you like this. He is also incredibly arrogant to have dropped a bombshell like this on you whilst claiming that he feels no need to 'prove' that he can be trusted. Don't walk away...RUN away! Like lightning! But if you want closure then sure, also do some digging. Don't believe a word he says though as he has lied to you consistently for 2yrs now and clearly has no conscience whatsoever.
DustySaltus Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 How old is his son? Is he old enough to know what's going on? If he is still involved with his wife (she is still his wife) and he's bringing the kid over and then going home to her it's pretty classless. I think he is lying to you about something: 1) 6 years no divorce? Does he make that little money? I thought he was working all the time? 2) You don't go to his house on a consistent basis. Why? Ask him this. This is a perfectly REASONABLE question. 3) He won't take you to his place but he'll introduce you to his kid. If i'm introducing you to my child wouldn't I let you in to other aspects of my life? I don't think you need to investigate at all. Just have a conversation with him. If he pulls the "proving" nonsense tell him that after two years you deserve honesty. If he still doesn't say anything break up with him and tell him you can only be with someone who is honest. If he disappears, you know he was a dishonest guy and not built for you in the long run. If he does plead to stay with you, tell him it has to be on your terms because you want to be able to be with someone you can trust. Good luck.
Author SweetyBear Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Thanks for all the replies so quickly. I've been in therapy dealing with my own trust and insecurity issues and I didn't know if my response to this information was "normal." No, I've never been to his place. I know that sounds weird, but it's just always been more convenient in one way or another for him to come down here. He doesn't have a home phone so that wasn't really an issue for me. I didn't think that was odd because I don't have a home phone either. He'd have to be pretty evil to have done this for two years though, right? He really doesn't seem to be. So, should I start just demanding certain things like that I meet his family, etc.? His explanation was always that he wasn't able to mesh everybody's schedules. Also, he's a police officer so he is working most holidays. Or now I guess I can say he "says" he's working the holidays. I haven't spent a single one with him since we've been together.
VertexSquared Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Thanks for all the replies so quickly. I've been in therapy dealing with my own trust and insecurity issues and I didn't know if my response to this information was "normal." No, I've never been to his place. I know that sounds weird, but it's just always been more convenient in one way or another for him to come down here. He doesn't have a home phone so that wasn't really an issue for me. I didn't think that was odd because I don't have a home phone either. He'd have to be pretty evil to have done this for two years though, right? He really doesn't seem to be. So, should I start just demanding certain things like that I meet his family, etc.? His explanation was always that he wasn't able to mesh everybody's schedules. Also, he's a police officer so he is working most holidays. Or now I guess I can say he "says" he's working the holidays. I haven't spent a single one with him since we've been together. What stands out to me: 1. He's probably got a home phone. He just doesn't want you calling it if his wife's over. 2. Working holidays lol Play the null hypothesis here for a moment and realize that this behavior is perfectly consistent with someone who is leading a double-life and is lying to you. I'd demand some evidence or peace out. Asking for these things at this point is NOT unreasonable, paranoid, insecure, etc. Perfectly rational/logical since you're basing it off evidence.
Author SweetyBear Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 His son just started college this year. I met him last year at one of his basketball games. The reason the divorce wasn't final wasn't due to money, at least not from what he told me. It was because the house wasn't settled in the agreement. He says he thought they'd handled it and then really didn't think any more about it. He says he hasn't seen her in years and didn't know anything about all this until he got served papers for a foreclosure. He didn't tell me about it though. I was actually looking at a foreclosure list and saw his name and thought it was odd because from what he's told me he doesn't own his home. Then, I looked at the paperwork in the county and saw it was in his name and his ex's name, which was even odder. Then I looked them up on the civil records site and there was no divorce record, so that's when I asked him about it and what was going on. He said he didn't take his name off the house because his ex had kids of her own when they were divorced and she couldn't refinance in her name only due to credit and he didn't want the kids to not have a home. Seems plausible, but still. I can't imagine agreeing to be financially tied to someone you want to be divorced from.
Author SweetyBear Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 It's kind of interesting to me the kinds of responses I'm getting on this. Now granted, none of the old posters are saying anything yet, but the guys on here especially used to berate me for my lack of trust and tell me I was being selfish and I should give the guy a break and just let him work if that's what he needs to do. I was even called obsessive by one of them because I had my doubts over the very same things I'm expressing here today. The only difference is now I know he's not actually divorced. Funny how now that there's "evidence" it changes everything. Maybe we should all trust our gut more when we feel like something's off in a relationship.
DustySaltus Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I think that because you've had trust issues in the past you're afraid to pull the trigger in this situation. There's a difference between perception and reality. You perceive him to be a honest guy because you want him to be an honest guy. Add to the fact that you've had trust issues in the past and it's pretty easy understand why you would try and try to give him the benefit of the doubt. The reality of the situation though is that he's still married, you haven't been to his house in two years, he says he's working on holidays, doesn't need to prove anything to you (according to him) and doesn't know that he was still married???? Does he not remember the day he got married either? Again, I would refer to my post above on how to handle this. There's no need to play Magnum P.I.
Author SweetyBear Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 "If he does plead to stay with you, tell him it has to be on your terms because you want to be able to be with someone you can trust." In your opinion, what should my terms be? What I've wanted all along is to feel included in his life. My thoughts before learning this information ran more to that there was some reason he was keeping me from his family, like something about me that he thought they wouldn't like or something like that. We talked about that and he assured me that was not the case and it was just scheduling issues. Sure, I also wondered about the possibility that he was hiding something from me, but I did my best to shake that off as just being insecure.
blind_otter Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 You know whether you are divorced are not. Also if he shares a child with this woman, how can he go for years without talking to her? That is utterly impossible. You have to coordinate schedules of visitation, at the very least. If his son just started college this past year, then he is still a teenager. But I have no patience for pussy footing around nowadays. If I don't get up front honesty and complete transparency, then I throw them away like used tissue.
Author SweetyBear Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 He and his wife did not have any biological children together, but they came into the marriage with two children each.
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I'm sorry you've invested so much time, love, faith and trust in this guy, but he is sooo leading you on. The problem here, is that you have trust issues, but sadly, he proves your point. How ironic and wicked, is that....? Please know - hard as it may seem to believe - not all guys are like this. But I think your vulnerability leads you to place excessive trust in a guy to be proved it can be done, so in effect, your radar's down - or maybe not firing on all cylinders.... This guy is messing with you and holding you in a pattern of "there for me when I need it". Whatever "it" is. And I'm not just talking about sex. Put it this way, if bigamy was legal, he'd be doing it. so: Do you want to share, or do you want to be a man's one and only "Significant Other"? 'Fraid that's the choice, here. Part of him, or none at all.
blind_otter Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Sorry I misunderstood. Regardless, you know when you are divorced unless you have some kind of mental disability. You get the finalized signed and notarized papers, either right there in court if it is a no fault divorce (like I did) or in the mail or through your lawyer if you own property or share children together. Personally if I was in your situation, I would not even bother to investigate further. But I have personal experience with divorce, so I would immediately know that he was full of it.
jthorne Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I have a hard time believeing he didn't know he was divorced. But since we don't know what he knew and he isn't here, you can only go on what you DO know. He's still married. What the state of the marriage is, you don't know. You do know he is still married, still legally obligated to another. So at this point, you are the other woman. Is that what you want? If not, tell him to contact you when his divorce is finalized. (And he can prove it.)
jthorne Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 He and his wife did not have any biological children together, but they came into the marriage with two children each. Well, then I would assume he's been divorced at least once before this wife. He should know what a finalized divorce looks like, and whether that's what he is or not. The fact that he's not introduced you to his family is pretty telling. And what did he introduce you to his son as, a "friend" or a girlfriend?
Author SweetyBear Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Part of my problem is that he does indicate he did not receive his divorce papers like he thought he should have and had meant to doublecheck on them but never did. If I'd been in a similar situation, upon getting involved someone new, I would have made sure at that point so that I knew I was completely unentangled and free to be in a relationship. I know all of you are right about that part of it. I have been divorced and remember receiving a copy of the paperwork in the magistrate's office at my final hearing as well as receiving my certified copy from the clerk a week later. So, either he's incredibly irresponsible or incredibly sinister.
DustySaltus Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 "If he does plead to stay with you, tell him it has to be on your terms because you want to be able to be with someone you can trust." In your opinion, what should my terms be? What I've wanted all along is to feel included in his life. My thoughts before learning this information ran more to that there was some reason he was keeping me from his family, like something about me that he thought they wouldn't like or something like that. We talked about that and he assured me that was not the case and it was just scheduling issues. Sure, I also wondered about the possibility that he was hiding something from me, but I did my best to shake that off as just being insecure. Your terms should be that you want him to be open and honest with you. If he can't do that you need to move on. If he is honest with you about everything than you need to figure out whether or not this is something you want to pursue. I mean c'mon "scheduling issues" for TWO YEARS? Trust your instincts. Where there's smoke, there's fire. He's just covering his tracks when he says he doesn't need to prove anything to you. It's the ultimate defense mechanism for him because he knows that with your trust issues in the past, you WANT to believe him.
SoleMate Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Yeah, your bf is a cheating liar. He's been lying about his (non-existent) "divorce" all along. An honest person would have rushed to the courthouse for a copy of the paperwork immediately - certainly once you asked for it - assuming it existed. Unfortunately for him, and you, he can't rush to get a copy of his paperwork because there's nothing there. Basically, a MM has tricked and lied and cheated you into being the OW in an affair. His challenge now is to keep thinking up lame excuses and little tricks to turn your reasonable questions around and make you feel like YOU'RE the one who's out of line. When, in fact, he's the messed-up one here. Listen to your gut, listen to us. This is NOT about work vs. relationships. It is about him needing to maintain distance between the 2 of you to reduce the chance of the wife finding out about you and your r/s with her H. As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA (i.e. end the r/s immediately, with prejudice).
blind_otter Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Part of my problem is that he does indicate he did not receive his divorce papers like he thought he should have and had meant to doublecheck on them but never did. If I'd been in a similar situation, upon getting involved someone new, I would have made sure at that point so that I knew I was completely unentangled and free to be in a relationship. I know all of you are right about that part of it. I have been divorced and remember receiving a copy of the paperwork in the magistrate's office at my final hearing as well as receiving my certified copy from the clerk a week later. So, either he's incredibly irresponsible or incredibly sinister. Most people who get divorced want that proof, at the end of all that rigamarole, that they no longer have to think about or deal with the legalities of separating from an ex-spouse that was repellent enough that you would want to completely dissociate from them. Perhaps their divorce was just that casual, though. The dissolution of their marriage so insignificant as to not merit a 5 minute phone call...
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 This is waaay off-topic.... blind_otter, your avatar is most..... distracting! Sorry...B.T.T!
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