123BeachFan Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Hi everyone, I've come to the boards frequently in the past to read and learn. This is my first time posting. I've been seeing new guy for about 5 weeks -- or about 10 dates or so total. We've had sex three times now. The first time was good, not great. But then the last two times were completely unsatisfying to me! I couldn't tell if he was being selfish or just clueless the 2nd time. Well, the last round he was definitely being selfish (he "received" without anything reciprocal, and promptly fell asleep like a baby, despite my protests). Is this reason enough to stop seeing someone? I generally enjoy a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life with a mate. I don't know if this is a sign I need to train him, he's selfish, or our libido levels are just radically different. Any insight?
DustySaltus Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I think that the foundation of any relationship is good communication. Besides that, it's a question of whether you willing to put in the time an effort to improve the sex between the two of you. If you are it can be fixed but it seems like you may be heading out the door already...
OndaChin Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I suggest that you tell him what your needs are regarding sex "at this point". I can understand the "First Time" and possibly the second time- BUT come on? As a man, I'd be bustin "Nutz" to make a good showin (if you know what I mean). Sure, some men might be rusty OR alittle "gun shy" but ANY MAN that wants to please would be "jumpin into the trenches" when he uses up his ammo. (IMO... Pleasing = TEASING) Atleast I know I would. Next time he finishes- PLEASE, tell him his job HASNT ended yet and that you want some satisfaction. (Maybe play the Rolling Stones song - (Can't Get No) Satisfaction, that might give him a hint) If he still falls asleep (without consideration)- "I'd throw his lazy a$$ out of bed and send him packing".
Author 123BeachFan Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Hi Onda, It sort of transpired like you describe. Unfortunately The second time I thought I was being forthright in saying that I typically need more than I got. And I was willing to overlook the faux pas if he was willing to make it up to me But then the 3rd time was all about him, though I told him upfront that he owes me big time. And despite that, he rolled over and slept like a baby. I left completely frustrated. There was no mystery how I felt. So yeah, maybe I need to do like you say ...throw his lazy a$$ out of bed and send him packing (though it is his bed and it is his house, LOL).
OndaChin Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I know Im being funny with my writing... BUT I totally understand the frustration. Sex IS A BIG DEAL!! He needs to either man-up and show some TLC (tender lovin care) or move along. Men that want to please... (Even if they are having trouble doing so) will want to learn to please a woman BECAUSE it means a lot to them to show their lady "her worth". I know you "know this" and are looking for signs he will come around. Give him the "talk" and see if theres a change. If not... then cut him loose! Good Luck!
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 here's the ideal 2-step solution: Step One: Next time he calls round, answer the door, tell him "It's over you wankless jerk!" and slam it in his face. Step Two: Dress yourself up to the nines, and go out and find the guy you deserve. Warning: do not do this in reverse order. Although on second thoughts.....it might be fun if your new squeeze answered the door and went through step One for you.....
jthorne Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 In the past, I've found that lovers that are selfish in bed tend to be selfish in a lot of other ways. I'd say bye bye.
Author 123BeachFan Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Tara, I love your approach! Having given it some thought, I think it's time to move on. Either he doesn't care, or he's just using me (or both). I don't see a reason to stick around, there's better fish in the pond.
cooldudeinberlin Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 hmmmm... there are virtually dozens of possible reasons/explanations... however, topically on the surface... he seems a bit inexperienced in knowing what a woman wants... I wonder how old he is (generally, if he is older than 28, then he should know pretty much how to please a woman as much as himself... younger than that, they basically are clueless) 10 weeks isnt very long and only doing the deed a few times isnt that well developed... and he's getting his nut (so to say), rolling over and falling asleep? Okay, the guy is totally unsexy and boring... doesnt necessarily mean he's selfish... just uninterested and lazy... Im a firm believer that good sex is a mutual thing... it takes two... if there is bad sex, then its BOTH... for whatever reason... then again, there is something wrong somewhere... communication perhaps? If you are communicative and intimate enough to be ****ing, then it really shouldnt be a problem to bring this irritation up with him... if he gets offended and butthurt, just take it as a sign to say your goodbyes and move on (after all dont need a little boy in your life that you have to coddle and push your own needs aside, right?)
Author 123BeachFan Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Yeah, he's 43. Old enough to know better. At this point, I feel like I was *used* so he could get his rocks off. I mean, it was very obvious last night that I wasn't a happy camper (last night being 3rd shot, pardon the pun).
sumdude Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Yeah, he's 43. Old enough to know better. At this point, I feel like I was *used* so he could get his rocks off. I mean, it was very obvious last night that I wasn't a happy camper (last night being 3rd shot, pardon the pun). Yeah seriously, there are plenty off men out there who actually enjoy pleasing women sexually.
cooldudeinberlin Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Although Im quite a few years younger than a 43 years old... but the rumors about men say my age (mid 30's) to late 40's experiencing their 2nd sexual peaks are somewhat almost cliche.... WTF? And furthermore... now that we (as men) have more experience, wisdom and CONTROL... really get to enjoy all the elements of foreplay, teasing, flirting, biting, licking, sucking, tickling, rubbing, touching, kissing, gently pinching, etc. etc. etc. just intercourse only can be somewhat... dull... hell, I can take care of getting my rocks off on my own... Im looking for the experience, the let's blow each other's mind, experiment, discover every inch of your sensitive skin and, where applicable, soul type of thing... as a lot of guys are... so what gives? you have a choice... either 1.) communicate hoping that it will be received well and the sex interest improves, etc. 2.) avoid any uncomfortable conversations (just 10 weeks in) and just make a round about call that its more trouble than its worth, sigh real big, then hold your head up high and move on. dont drop your standards.... in my opinion, way too many people do (both men and women) ... it only leads to unsatisfaction, passive aggressive behavior and unfulfillment... life is way too short... f*cking is fun, its sexy... its supposed to be fun and gives you the opportunity to share something so close and intimate with someone special (whether serious committed relationship or not)
Rearden Metal Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I'd reply but this cool guy from Berlin's on TOP of this ISH! Haha... but really, you already know the answer! He's a flop in bed. You want that for the rest of your days, be my guest. Personally, I'd throw his ass out move on!
Author 123BeachFan Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Okay, well we just had "the talk." He seemed apologetic & remorseful enough and with enough promises to not be so selfish in the future that I'm giving him another chance. But yeouch, so early in the relationship to be having these sort of problems, it is something of a red flag to me.
boogieboy Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Okay, well we just had "the talk." He seemed apologetic & remorseful enough and with enough promises to not be so selfish in the future that I'm giving him another chance. But yeouch, so early in the relationship to be having these sort of problems, it is something of a red flag to me. Make sure you keep on top of those red flags.... He just might eventually go back to the lackluster sex soon...be on the lookout.
harmfulsweetz Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I've been in your shoes. I stayed for three years in a relationship with lackluster sex at best, at worst, downright awful. We had 'the talk' many times, with little to no improvement. I do think sex is about two people working together to make it good, yet, I often found that I was the only one working. I would give him oral to make him climax, he would give me it so that it could lead to intercourse, and to his orgasm. Never to make me orgasm. It became a point of frustration for me, and eventually, the sex became a thorn in my side, a part of my relationship I dreaded. The one thing I noticed about him, was that after the talk, he would always try. One time. Then it would slip back into old routines, to the point where I was sick of the talk. At the time, I didn't think sex was enough reason to leave. I remember one of his more famous lines 'I'm not doing that everytime' after a rare occasion he made me orgasm. That had me in stitches because it was hilariously selfish-he expected me to go out of my way for his pleasure, and he would begrudge me it every time, like I don't need to have pleasure, or don't deserve it too. Have to say, you must remember it may pick up for a bit, then once he thinks he's safe, he will slip back into old habits. Just be aware of that, he may change for the better. Good luck.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 good for you for "having the talk"... look on the optimistic side: a.) perhaps things will improve and thus rosy flush cheeks of satisfaction b.) having been proactive and taking action, you have cleared the air, your mind and his. Good feeling isnt it? c.) regardless if things improve or not, its a good experience and win for taking such steps as a lot of people get very uneasy about openly talking about their sex life, as if its taboo... sex between consenting adults is as natural and human as eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom. good for you... now my personally philosophy... ALL WOMEN WANT A MIND BLOWING ORGASM... yes, you heard me right. and ALL MEN (assuming we are talking about a hetrosexual relationship or hookup) ARE CAPABLE OF GIVING THAT MIND BLOWING ORGASM. Sounds simple doesnt it? Then why isnt it? Understanding the difference between men and woman, what arouses them, what attracts them is very important. Then listening to your lover, whether it be verbal communication or the non verbal (the way someone moves, moans, relaxes) can give you a lot of clues about what they enjoy and that should be a clue to explore further... but for a woman... the foreplay is very important... even a few funny, sexy text messages or the like earlier in the day, gets their mind going... its all in the mind... that is where mind blowing orgasms start and end... obviously some physical stimulation is needed... but its about taking them on an erotic journey that they wont forget.... its clean, fun, healthy and no other activity can bring you as close... skip going out friday night, light some candles, open some wine and explore each other all night
Recommended Posts