her_halo_slipped Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) Hello. I read so many threads here on LS and draw a lot of inspiration from reading OP's posts. After suffering through an A for the past 8 mths (as so many people on LS do) I decided to end it two weeks ago. I have not had contact with ex MM since then, today being day 14! Well usually I am very busy and have used this to help me maintain NC. This week I have been unwell and this has resulted in me having to stay home in bed for the best part of the week. Today boredom took over and I made a monumental mistake of dialing exMM's number anonymously (yes cowardly I know). He answered and I hung up immediately. I was a little sad to hear his voice but was determined to stay NC. This evening I stupidly sent him a txt (he will know it is from me as they cannot be anon where I live). It just said "hi" but the second I sent it I just wished I hadn't. I had deleted all of his numbers but earlier when the mail arrived so too did my phone bill. That's how I came to dial him in the first place. Temptation I should have avoided! Thankfully he hasn't answered and I don't expect him to. I actually do not want him to. I am so angry with myself for this setback. I'm not making excuses but I think it was a PMT moment. I just don't want anymore of them. I am hoping that other LS'ers who have experienced such a setback can offer me advice. I am beating myself up over this and so I don't need anyone jumping on me too. Just some support, advice and encouragement would be so welcome right now. I just need to keep up NC. Days like today make it tough. Thanks Edited March 31, 2010 by her_halo_slipped
turnstone Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Hey, you've done good. One text is no big deal. Who cares what he thinks about it? Now make a list of things you'll do if you get the urge again and put it up somewhere you'll see it. Oh and burn that telephone bill
silverplanets Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I agree - one text is no big deal unless you choose to make it into one. Laugh at yourself, give yourself a hug, throw the phone bill away and just keep doing as you were ... Every day is one day closer to something new .. so why go back ?
Just a stone's throw Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 HHS, I "slipped" too this week though my intention was more to set up boundaries for professional contact. I was about 2 weeks out also with NC and sent an email because I had a professional question I needed to ask him. I first asked if he was at a point where we could trade occaisional friendly emails, his response was that I could send them occiasionally to update him but that was all he could commit to. Oh, and basically that I should focus on something else to fill my time. I read into it to be condescending and abrupt but should have expected nothing less. Anyway I did respond back with my professional question which he answered to some detail and we left it at that. I'm not sure even that amount of contact is worth making me feel the way I felt afterward. My point is, the response you're likely to get will not be the one you want or need at this point. I agree with Turnstone, make that list and i will too, of the things I should do when I get that urge to email him (or in my case, who else can answer my professional question). It's good advise. But I am standing behind myself and not beating me up about the setback. I'm back on day 2. It's kind of like a 12-step program. It's what you do next that counts.
Author her_halo_slipped Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Thank you for the replies thus far. What great advice it is.Today was a setback, just a small one.That's all. No biggie at the end of the day. No reply from him which I am thankful for. I need to keep busy and move on regardless. It feels better to know there are other sensible intelligent women out there also doing the same crazy things. Am I cheating by keeping today as day14 NC? Technically he didn't reply so I think I'll pay it. Day 14 it is and a stronger day ahead tomorrow not just for me but to all Ls'ers doing NC.
Heather1 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I did too after 30 days yesterday. This really is breaking an addiction, it's awful. No reply, but honestly I don't want one if he's going to be a cold jerk. Now I feel like I have to prepare myself for that. I'd count it from the time you started NC, as long as there wasn't communication. I'm ashamed of myself though, I want this to be over!
Author her_halo_slipped Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Heather and Halo- So you slipped. Dust yourself off and get back up on the NC horse. But your are NOT going to respond if they reply to your texts, right? It could happen today, tomorrow, 2 weeks from now... Absolutely NOT! There will be no reply from me. Not today, not tomorrow, not two weeks from now. NOT EVER. I am very grateful for the support of other LS'ers. It does make it easier.
Ella whispers Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 We all have weak moments. I doubt that anyone here can or should blame you. Stay strong and you will be just fine.
fooled once Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Absolutely NOT! There will be no reply from me. Not today, not tomorrow, not two weeks from now. NOT EVER. I am very grateful for the support of other LS'ers. It does make it easier. It always helps to have others who have been there, done that. How are you doing today ((hugs))
wheelwright Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Absolutely NOT! There will be no reply from me. Not today, not tomorrow, not two weeks from now. NOT EVER. I am very grateful for the support of other LS'ers. It does make it easier. Just to say, I slipped twice on texts. MM never replied - and I'm not even sure if I sent the second one, as I was drunk. It was a close thing though. It didn't hurt anything. I understood myself, and that I didn't want to do it again.
ladydesigner Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Just to say, I slipped twice on texts. MM never replied - and I'm not even sure if I sent the second one, as I was drunk. It was a close thing though. Isn't alcohol lovely:D I almost broke contact in December by sending an email, wrote it out and everything. As I was about to hit send (and I was quite intoxicated myself) I quickly caught myself and thought "wait do I want to do this again?" Nope I hit delete. Thank god I hit delete. This NC stuff is not easy.
Author her_halo_slipped Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 It always helps to have others who have been there, done that. How are you doing today ((hugs)) Hi FO....I am doing very well. Much better thanks. I did not get a reply to my txt but you know what? Who the hell cares? Certainly not me. I am so over it, over him, over the hurt and disappointment and being a slave to making arrangements, checking for messages etc. It FEELS SO MUCH BETTER to be rid of him and the stupid A. I WILL NOT BREAK NC! I am now day 16! Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. It does help to know we all can break NC but continue on towards our final destination!
Heather1 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Surprisingly, I think by not replying they're showing they care. Weird I know, but I think the wimpy way out is the "friendship.". I'm glad OM didn't reply. It can't be easy for them either, just different. I'm feeling like NC is the first unselfish thing we've done. 5 weeks tuesday! I still think about him (duh, I write on here everyday), but my thoughts are turning to I'm almost home free & I never want to go through this greiving thing again! It's harder every time.....I wonder if I would have stuck with it last year I'd barely remember his name.
turnstone Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Surprisingly, I think by not replying they're showing they care. Weird I know, but I think the wimpy way out is the "friendship.". I'm not sure that's totally helpful. Or for that matter, totally accurate. Men are very good at switching on and off their emotions, especially when they haven't been fully invested to begin with so I'd hesitate to think of his silence as caring.
Tommy's Girl Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 This is an awesome thread! NC is very hard. I just deleted an e-mail that I can't respond to. Reading all your posts made me more secure and stronger.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I'm not sure that's totally helpful. Or for that matter, totally accurate. Men are very good at switching on and off their emotions, especially when they haven't been fully invested to begin with so I'd hesitate to think of his silence as caring. In my case it's both. Given previous history of multiple times of us trying to end it and one of us (usually me) sends an email and the other responds sending it back into this vicious cycle. This time, he was adamant that he was going silent. And for the most part, that is what he has stuck with and it's working (for him, and by default for me too). Now the reason for his ultimate silence? I'll never know. I question his motivation and the sudden development of a "sack" to stick with it. But I'll never know. Perhaps there is someone else and he just had to eliminate me once and for all. He said it's for the Kids benefit.... but that was the other thread....
Just a stone's throw Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Take it and run with it. You're free. Thanks, JT! I am and I needed to read that today! Thanks for the perspective!!
Heather1 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Turnstone, I don't think men have a switch that's black & white. Why can't it be a positive? If you love someone, set them free type of thing? I don't think it's helpful @ all to dwell that there was never anything but a onesided A. That's absurd. I think these ending are more of reality setting in & who do you choose to hurt most, OW or W, kids, extended family, etc. for someone you have no future with. It's the no future, not that they turned off completely.
turnstone Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Heather, because at the early stages of NC its very easy to find excuses to give the MM another chance/to look for another chance with them, and someone in NC doesn't need people giving them any reason whatsoever to look for one. All that introspective wistfulness can come once it become clear that life without the MM is just fine, thank you very much and the desperate longing to be with him has stopped.
bittersweet memories Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Surprisingly, I think by not replying they're showing they care. Weird I know, but I think the wimpy way out is the "friendship.". . why hold on to "false hope"..you would like to think so but that is not the case..
Just a stone's throw Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I think you may be missing Heather's point (and Heather, don't let me put words in your mouth if it's not your point) but she is just saying that the MM is being strong by not responding even though he may likely want to but is trying to be strong for both people. His motivation is to stop the A to stop everyone eventually from hurting. He does care about the exAP and he does care about his W and by not replying he is putting a stop to the wrong. It's facing the inevitable. The end.
Heather1 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Exactly..... It's not false hope either, it's over. It's just not being a victim & letting the neg control you. He's def made a choice & now it's up to both parties to respect that. I'll agree that a man can probably have more control in their emotions. I don't offer that up as hope @ all, just as a big picture of why they don't reply & it really is for the best. I've been trying to get out of this for over a year & I haven't been able to do it cuz I bought into the frienship (which means window open). At least this time we've slammed the door. So is stringing you along caring? No, this is the harder thing to do for both parties. Don't worry, I have enough neg experiences that I don't hold false hope. I've also had enough experiences with reestablishing communication to let me know our R goes right back to the toilet. We just forgot to flush.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Don't worry, I have enough neg experiences that I don't hold false hope. I've also had enough experiences with reestablishing communication to let me know our R goes right back to the toilet. We just forgot to flush.[/QUOTE] I like that analogy!
Hazyhead Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Don't worry, I have enough neg experiences that I don't hold false hope. I've also hadenough experiences with reestablishing communication to let me know our R goes right back to the toilet. We just forgot to flush. ... and so the s*** stays floating around. I like that analogy too Heather (you seem like you're doing much better )
turnstone Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Don't worry, I have enough neg experiences that I don't hold false hope. I've also had enough experiences with reestablishing communication to let me know our R goes right back to the toilet. We just forgot to flush. I'm sure that's right, but not everyone else has had the same experiences and therefore may not yet realise that re-establishing communication isn't a great thing to do. Therefore its probably a good idea to be very clear that you're not offering false hope in the shape of 'they still care'.
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