HowCouldShe Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) I had to post this because I have no where else to turn right now. Family is supportive but I just wanted some fresh opinions. My fiance and I broke up 2 months ago (10 days after the birth of our child) and my life has been a wreck ever since. Luckily, work has been supportive and I also go to school full time so that has been keeping me busy as well. Throughout the relationship and even this past 2 months we still talked every day. Either thru text or phone. But recently she said she got a new boyfriend and i'm dieing inside knowing that some other man is comforting her at night while my two month old son lies next to her bed in a crib. A little backstory on our relationship, it was always full of arguments mostly because she has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and often gets off her meds. It made life hell and we always had some type of drama going on with our lives. When things got pretty bad around November (in terms of the fighting between us) we talked about counseling but never saw it thru. With the pregnancy and me going to school and work full time we thought we could just make it thru....until I came home one day to find an empty house and my fiance and baby boy gone. We continued to have sexual relations until about 2 weeks ago when she requested that I stop calling her pet names like "babe or sweetheart, etc"... she then proceeded to tell me she is dating someone new. He works with her and has been persueing her since last summer. I had my suspicions about this guy then but she always said they were just friends. This particularly made me cringe because just 4 days earlier we had both agreed to finally set up some counseling and get back on track. She invited me to come to her hometown and have family pictures and talk. Unfortunately, she had taken my son away from me that weekend because I said he would be ready on Sunday (when she picks him up) at 9am instead of 5am. This enraged her and she took him from my parents house (who does the daycare) on that Friday night and I never got to see my son that weekend. She felt sorry afterwards but the damage had been done and I also had a Final that Monday so there was no way I could travel 3 hours to go do the pictures. 3 days later she said she had a new boyfriend. For the longest time I just thought this was a break and would be a good thing for time apart but it now feels as though she has drifted away. This wouldn't be so hard if our baby boy wasn't involved but I changed my life for this girl. I got a better paying job, started going back to school full time but her bi polar tendencies and my bull headeness led to so many verbal fights. I live in the backwards state of Nebraska and the judge has awarded full temporary custody to her so I only get to see my son on the weekends. She initially agreed to Joint custody but that turned out to be a lie as well. I now pay $500 a month to see my son 8 days out of the month. I concentrate on him 100% and feel I am a great dad. It just breaks my heart that our family was never given a REAL chance with counseling after all we have been through. It's hard these days to concentrate on school and work and she's constantly throwing him in my face by saying "buzz off....btw...(new boyfriend) says hi!" She wants me to hurt badly. Tell me what to do... what to say...anything to make this pain go away and get my family back. This is not the way life is supposed to be. Edited March 31, 2010 by HowCouldShe
Davey McG Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I'm really sorry to hear what has happened. I came here to advise you to get a paternity test on the boy. This may have been going on a lot longer than you realise...
Author HowCouldShe Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 I'm really sorry to hear what has happened. I came here to advise you to get a paternity test on the boy. This may have been going on a lot longer than you realise... She could have been cheating, but I know for a fact he's my son. He looks exactly like me when I was a child. I am 100% certain of this.
mark982 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 how could she. buddy davey offered you a damn straight idea. don't care IF you think the baby looks like you, get tested NOW. no woman would ever lie about whos the daddy naaaaa!!
CarrieT Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 She could have been cheating, but I know for a fact he's my son. He looks exactly like me when I was a child. I am 100% certain of this. Looks are deceiving in infants. Demand a paternity test. Feel so badly for you and wish I had more encouraging words. But take care of yourself first.
Author HowCouldShe Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 I really appreciate the advice but i'm not going that route. I have my reasons. I guess I just came here some help w/ coping and/or advice of what I can do to possibly get her back, etc. I still don't believe a mother could destroy her whole family ten days after the birth. I know the bi-polar has to do with this... I just want my family back.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) she then proceeded to tell me she is dating someone new. He works with her and has been persueing her since last summer. I had my suspicions about this guy then but she always said they were just friends. She has probably been seeing him since last summer. It is incredibly rare for someone who is "just friends" suddenly in a "new relationship" after breaking up to have actually been platonic. It is almost always the case that it was sex all along and the "new relationship" crap is made up just to either throw you off or spare your feelings. I would not suggest doing anything further until you find out if the child is yours. You can buy paternity tests at the drug store now. Do not do anything until you find out. The baby can 'look like you' but trust me on this one - don't base it only on that. Plenty of people make that claim and then come to find out that they weren't the father. I know for a fact he's my son You don't unless you get a paternity test. My father thought the same thing, until it became clear some decades later, after the costs of raising two kids to 18, putting them both through college, etc. I know you don't want to go that route, but it is better to know now than to get a nasty surprise years down the road. Edited March 31, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
LisaUk Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Hi I'm so sorry to hear the pain of what you are going through. I wish there was something I could say, some advice I could give for you to be able to get your family back, but as I think you already know, all this isn't about you or the fights it's about her illness and how the pregnancy has effected it. I understand completely why you don't want to get a paternity test, it's b/c you love this little boy so much and can't face the thought of losing someone else you love right now isn't it? While I can understand how that would be soul destroying for you, I do agree with the other posters, it is better to be certain now, rather than later. As much as you want this child to be yours, you must know that after her nehaviour of late you cannot be certain? Right now, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on your school finals, as difficult as that is flunking out of school is not going to help your life in the long term. You come across as a remarkably strong, resiliant and caring man, I can tell from your posts that you are not going to let this beat you and for that I admire your strength. There is nothing you can do to change your ex's behaviour, all you can do is focus on you, make sure the baby is yours and then focus on him. Your ex may well get better and come to her senses, but do you want a life time of this? My understanding is that bi-polar can be a life long struggle, constant ups and downs, mood swings, on meds, off meds, even if she comes back now, she may well have another episode later. Take care of you, that is what you must do, so that you can be resilient enough to deal with her as and when you need to. My heart really goes out to you, I can't imagine how awful this must be for you.
sb129 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 When my daughter was 2 months old, the LAST thing I felt like doing was having sex with my husband, let alone finding someone NEW to do it with. I was 100% focused on my daughter.... Your ex needs help, because she is on the road to being a pretty average parent if this is what she is up to in the first 8 weeks of your sons life.
Author HowCouldShe Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 When my daughter was 2 months old, the LAST thing I felt like doing was having sex with my husband, let alone finding someone NEW to do it with. I was 100% focused on my daughter.... Your ex needs help, because she is on the road to being a pretty average parent if this is what she is up to in the first 8 weeks of your sons life. That's what I don't understand??? How could she even THINK of another guy at this stage of our son's life. Her excuse is.... "it just happened..." Well I took the advice and sent in one of those home DNA paternity test. Takes about 2 weeks to get back. You're right it is better safe than sorry. I guess my deal is I dont know how to cope right now. For the past 2 months it was like we were taking a much needed break and some time apart. I never thought she was start to say things like "I dont love you..." and "i've moved on" etc. The day before our child's birth she gave me a watch (which she eventually stole from me after the breakup) that was enscribed, "our love will last a lifetime"... i'm more in shock than anything else. I'm also insanely jealous and I know she's throwing this guy in my face in order to start some sort of fight (which would send me to jail and take away my visitation) I won't allow that to happen. I'm scared that I could have fallen so deeply for someone that let me go w/o counseling etc. I was like a piece of trash she threw away. That's what I feel like. The worst part is that they work together...he's sees her everyday and then gets to come home to her and MY child. Its like a knife right thru my heart. And she couldn't give a damn....
LisaUk Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Hi I'm glad you did the test, its the right thing, at least you know where you stand even if that hurts. I know what you mean about walk aways, those that don't even try to work things out when they are in a commited relationship, its not like they are dating and getting to know you. My ex and I were together 18 years, engaged 8 years and live together 10 years. He got up one morning, a couple of weeks after we booked the church to get married and told me he hadn't loved me in years and was leaving. He packed a bag and left about 30 mins later. I had to beg to find out why and I still don't know, his "reasons" were so contradictory and he even expressed doubts at differnet times. I think in your ex's case it is to with her illness rather than with you. How long were you two together? I usually post on the divorce and seperation forum, lots of good advice for people in your situation with children and I know there have been a few posters who are dealing with bi-polar walk away spouses as well if you want to have a look.
Author HowCouldShe Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Hi I'm glad you did the test, its the right thing, at least you know where you stand even if that hurts. I know what you mean about walk aways, those that don't even try to work things out when they are in a commited relationship, its not like they are dating and getting to know you. My ex and I were together 18 years, engaged 8 years and live together 10 years. He got up one morning, a couple of weeks after we booked the church to get married and told me he hadn't loved me in years and was leaving. He packed a bag and left about 30 mins later. I had to beg to find out why and I still don't know, his "reasons" were so contradictory and he even expressed doubts at differnet times. I think in your ex's case it is to with her illness rather than with you. How long were you two together? I usually post on the divorce and seperation forum, lots of good advice for people in your situation with children and I know there have been a few posters who are dealing with bi-polar walk away spouses as well if you want to have a look. Thanks for the advice i'll definitely have to check out that forum! I've never experienced anything like this. We were only together a year. I knew coming into the relationship all her problems but I took the plunge anyways... and then an accident happened in April....turned out to be the best accident I ever laid my eyes on but we went from casually dating to "lets start a family"... all in all we obviously weren't together long but I really fell in love w/ her along the way. Atleast from my perspective, with a child and all, it's worth the counseling. Not according to her though....
LisaUk Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Hi, yes of course it's worth counselling, its not the length of time, you have a family. Thing is she is bi-polar, that is what is going on here. Hope to see you over on the seperation and divorce board.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 That was an excellent move on your part. If the test shows that you are the bio father, you can file for divorce and sue for full custody. If the test shows you are not the bio father, I'd look into seeing what can be done for paternity fraud.
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