Djentleman's log

[djentleman]

I'm not the concise type, but here it goes.

 

Following suit with the others, I figured I might as well start a log, since I'm feeling liberated, though a little scared/nervous here and there.

 

Still living with the ex. She's not around much, as she's decided to reach out and start hanging with all her CC friends — the Gloria Jeans drinking, Camel Lights smoking, self-proclaimed Libertarian, "philosophical" thinking, Get-Go working and video-gaming, "casual" pot-smoking, Miller Lite-drinking friends. I think rather highly of them, don't I? Then again, she's 20 (almost 21) and I'm 25 and some change. I wonder if she turned in that college application yet? Completely rhetorical, as I know the answer would be a "No... not yet..." with the ellipses pauses and the works! Hehe.

 

Work is beat, and I'm still doing a few campaigns following the "vacation" theme. The mind lingers a bit here and there, specifically to all those good times on vacation. Plus, a buddy's band is coming to town (SEA); they're playing the same venue they played last year. Prior to that show, we all went out and ate Thai (Pho). Going to see them again, possibly doing the same pre-show activity, and it's going to be odd without her. But, that was her choice. I took her to Ocean City, MD last year for her birthday. We met up with said band's drummer and his wonderful girlfriend, had dinner, and talked about life and relationships for hours. Who would have thought I'd be here now? HA! Those are the thoughts occupying my day, but in the words of Patton "What a day, what a day, if you can look it in the face and hold your vomit!"

 

I came home and kind of expected her to be here. When I didn't see her car, I wasn't too, too surprised. I looked in the mirror and thought "Sht, dude -- you look fantastic!" I shaved my pencil thin 'stache, because I wanted it to be a centimeter higher, instead of right atop the upper lip. I feel so yuppy, Patrick Bateman now, but I've gotta take care of myself!

 

There's one thing she said to me a few days ago, and that was "I always felt like you tried to domesticate me, like a housewife." WHAAAAT? If there's one thing I figured she'd understand, it's that I work SALARY, and not part-time in addition to attending school part-time too. When I got home, I got home — college deceived me by thinking I was prepping for a nice 9–5, and I think she thought that too.

 

Made myself some Peanut Thai with some stir fried shrimp and julienne sliced bell peppers. Domesticated my ass — this guy is fully capable of whipping up a good meal for himself. When I was cooking, she texted me: "I be home later dog." I'm glad that "friends" thing is working for her. Meanwhile, I got guest-listed for a show tomorrow, by a band that I declined the offer to perform with twice, yet they're blowing up now. Typical. I could say "no regrets" BUT I've already made myself clear on that phrase. I let her know I wouldn't be home after work (so she can take care of the dog), and that little achievement of getting the 'list' treatment made me feel good. Good things are happening!

 

I ran through a few songs I'm preparing to audition, and those went smoothly... even in work clothes with loafers, instead of my typical practice get-up. But, I know once she comes through that door, and asks me "how is your day; what are you doing now?" and I tell her "great. I'm looking for jobs elsewhere" she's going to give me those 'sorry' eyes... And, I'll flutter a bit.

[djentleman]

I had a great evening last night, seeing some old friends, and watching some GREAT live music. Animals As Leaders. Their music brings out so much in me — the chaos, emotionally-driven and heart-warming melodies, and it overall puts me in a better mood. I feel inspired. I got guest access, and had the honor to meet the guys with whom I'd corresponded over the last year. As hospitable as they could be, it was great to have a sense of approval and be shown respect/appreciation for my love of their music and my craft. These kind of happenings make me feel like I'm hanging in there — gratifying occurrences for the self.

 

The ex kept texting, telling me what she was doing/how good the dog was for her when she gave him a bath. This something that was always a team effort for us:sick:

 

I creeped onto her FB page last night... she had a status about how the weather be warm, because she didn't wear her new skirt for nothing. Funny... The previous night, she was a downer, and as I was in my "mancave" with the door open, looking for jobs and feeling good. She was doing this little runway routine, and I sincerely feel she was trying to get my attention. I only used peripheral vision... She's gained a tiny bit of weight and kept asking me to help her pick out clothes since I've become fashion savvy. I needed to press my clothes, and offered to do the same with her skirt while I was down there. She smoked a cig and proceeded to question if I'd "gotten any numbers" recently. At some point, I don't know how it happened, but she was suddenly pressing my shirt... I tried correcting that as calmly and gentlemanly-like as possible. We're not a team; so please don't do those things for me. It's this kind of interaction that confuses me.

 

Oh well... I changed out of my work clothes, and caught her looking at me... AND I APOLOGIZED: "Sorry. I should have closed the door." She proceeded to say "No. I'll admit. I was looking." There's definitely still feelings there, but an infinitely high wall.

 

It's going to be a ronery Easter.

[djentleman]

Every few days, I feel like I'm hanging by just a thread.

 

Friday is an off day, yet I'm still doing work from home... Fortunately, my work machine is in my music room; so I can intermittently go back and forth. It sucks being so "dedicated" to an art that really needs to be confined to soundproof walls, because the weather is beautiful!

 

It's becoming a ritual for her to come home late, and I'm usually just nodding along to my music and "hunting" for my unplanned agenda of getting "out." She'll come home, take a seat on my drum stool approximately 2 feet from me and talk about her day evening and ask about mine. My pride is like a good buzz, as it only lasts for so long, but when I speak of it — my experience from the show — it is reignited and I sense it has some impact on her, but to dwell on that is only me being a fool.

 

I set my alarm last night, thinking I had work in the morning, HA. I woke up around my usual, which means she would be out the door by then, BUT no. She slept in — how are those late nights working for ya? I did the right thing by waking her up, she scrambled, and was out the door in 5. I took a sit-down in the facility room, and noticed her phone was there. Ten minutes went by, and in those 600 seconds, I considered checking her messages. I didn't. I don't know if was the fear in her realizing and returning at any given moment, and coming back to a lit up phone and asking "Did you check my phone?" or if I just didn't want to know. Again, hopefully writing and spelling it out allows me to get it out of my system and not dwell. But, oh... As I was washing my hands, she came in and claimed the phone, and then hugged me, and quickly said "ohhh... sorry" and then went in for the fist-bump. This is stupid.

 

Words for which I'm finding solace:

 

"I'm not adverse to being alone

if it means I get to keep my mind

I'm not adverse to losing it all

if I get to leave it all behind" — Henry Rollins

[djentleman]

I played a little benefit show this evening. My friend's wife gave birth a few months ago, and ever since, she's been in and out of the hospital with an undiagnosable ailment. Since the ex was friends with her, I figured she'd have the decency to at least show her support, but she didn't. Instead, her best friend was there... with my ex-ex. What a fcking evening that started off to be. That said, the ex HATED the ex-ex. That doesn't make a difference, but oh well.

 

I gave my best, performance-wise, and I had a lot of folks telling me "you look so much happier." I'm not putting on a front, because deep down, I'm still hurting, but those individuals recounted a few stories where they felt, in general, she was bringing me down. Even though I explained I'd become an a$shole myself, they still believe a lot of it was due to her. I guess, in short, the truth hurts.

 

Mid-show, our sanger announced that I was moving. It hit me. I suddenly feel like this IS my moment to break away from the current. I'm not running, but in a way I am. I've got some people in my corner, and I need to proceed by going with the flow.

 

"Life sucks; get a fcking helmet." — Denis Leary

[dreamingoftigers]

So not following well, limited time to read, but are you completely broken off?

[djentleman]

As partners, yes. We carry no status whatsoever. I won't even dignify "friendship," because that's not what I want. As much as I want her in my life, this whole experience has been eye-opening to the point where I have my own reservations, due to doubts, if reconciling and again beginning a relationship with her became a possibility.

 

In the meantime, to avoid signing a lease and jiving myself out of an audition/moving forward with an opportunity, we've "set aside" differences AKA she just doesn't come home (she's now a nomad), and until I figure out a plan of attack, we still technically live together. I'm only hurting myself, I know, but eh. Times are tough, both economically and emotionally!

Edited April 4, 2010 by djentleman
typo

[zebracolors]

I hope you can get your life situated:)I can't go into detail here but I can relate somewhat to your situation. Things are tough these in many ways today.

[djentleman]

Thanks Zebra! I'm actually looking to get situated in MD/DC myself

 

Anyway, the moms and I took our dogs to the local dog park, and we shot the sht for hours. We talked about their plans and my plans, the pain, and the past. A lot of uncovered business, in regards to further washing my hands of total blame.

 

We did get engaged young, and there were plenty of finances that couldn't have been taken care of from the start, but one enlightening moment was when my mother recounted how the potential mother-in-law (ex's mom) disapproved marriage until her daughter completed college (understandable to an extent) and until she could no longer claim her as a dependent on her taxes. I'm discovering these were the roots of frustration. I'm glad my mother remembers these things.

 

Also, in talking about my obsessions and isolation, mom was playing the role of a great therapist and asked if maybe those started when the ex was working her evenings jobs — she was bar-tending for a good year, and then moved on to strictly waitressing. For both, she wouldn't return home until around or near midnight. At that point, we canceled cable, because I was never a TV goer. I transitioned from spending time with my face planted in front of the computer, to being productive — practicing musical instruments, writing, transcribing, etc. etc. It seems as though the ex completely forgot about all those nights I waited up for her, underwent productive activities to pass the time... And, when she dropped all of those and quit the jobs, I was still doing what I was doing. You really can't blame anybody here.

 

Bah, I haven't seen her since Friday and have kept as little contact as possible. She said her grandfather will be in the hospital, and I simply said "Regards." She also "washed" my clothes the other day, left them in the dryer, which they never fully dried; so, needless to say, I had a load of colors smelling like sht, requiring a redo on my part. I can take care of myself.

[djentleman]

Her grandfather had surgery today. I had a little bit of contact with her throughout the early afternoon, asking how it went and the like. She said she really appreciated my concern and it meant a lot to her.

 

Came home and I crept onto her FB, saw she had a new friend. One click led to another, and I was on that new friend's profile. He's in a relationship, but his default picture had her and her low-life friend with his arm around her; they were both smiling. I broke. I texted her and told her she looked happy with him.

 

She comes and goes as she pleases. I get butterflies and my nerves are shot once she comes home from her 2-day hiatus. I told her she fell head over heels for me, and that I was so caught up with trying to plan out my life, that I wasn't feeling the same way.

 

I'm torn. She's so calm when she talks to me, but I know he'll be more than just a friend sooner or later. Hell, we were.

 

And, the heartburn and gone-to-sht digestion problems shake themselves out of remission, and once again resume.

[EmperorR]

stay strong I know how it is when there with someone knew

 

block her on facebook you will thank yourself

[djentleman]

Yep, it's safe to say that's where she's been staying. An emotional friend is what he initially was. I guess he really got his foot in the door while I was hitting the fouls. Oh well. Good riddance. She insists he's just a friend, but we all know Biz Markie ruined that excuse 20 years ago. Hehe, sht gas-station job, no car, and a year-and-a-half younger than she is. But, he sells her pot and has a completely positive outlook on life; so that's cool.

 

I feel for her grandfather, because he's a very generous guy, BUT considering his age, in addition to his prior medical condition, it looks like his recovery period is going to be lengthy, and nothing that will heal quickly enough for him to make the long commute to the vacation spot — there goes her summer vaca of freeloading off the grandparents.

 

Copied the paper work for the cost of the termination fee for her phone on our joint plan, and called in to remove my name from all currently active bills, for which I'm the primary holder. These may be deemed as dick, bold, stubborn, and spiteful moves, but I'm on my own in this house. This is the closest thing to a divorce. I'm maintaining this place for her mother before she puts it on the market, but I no longer want to be here. Time to leave. I feel like I'm a civil engineer, creating a shoddily built brick road, for which she must travel sans support of an equipped suspension system.

 

I've got a lot of things I've already tackled in life, and I still have A LOT more left in me to achieve. I have a degree, hand-in-hand with work experience, a new car, musical ideas, endeavors, and opportunities, and I have the ambition to grab ahold of the sucker [life] like a croc in a canal and just ride it, despite the slithering, whipping motions I may encounter along the way. It's all about me.

 

The chaos of this song is really a guiding light for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ceV82mKUhg

Edited April 6, 2010 by djentleman
typo

[Rearden Metal]

DJ!

 

Sorry I haven't been on here, I have been very busy with family, dates, and talking to my Ex this weekend.

 

You write exceedingly well. I just want to read more and more of what you're putting down. You seem a lot like me in that you are self reflective enough, and open enough to share things.

 

Two things:

 

One- Are you seeing a therapist? If no, I think you'll benefit highly. In 5 weeks I've gone from very, very depressed to having an outstanding, positive therapy session yesterday.

 

Two- You're already doing really well. You're going to be just fine. All the feelings you're having are healthy, natural responses to your break-up. You're handling your business with class, which is a huge positive. Your ex will miss you, soon enough. How could she not? You're an interesting, dynamic and intelligent guy!

[djentleman]

Thanks again RM! I appreciate the comments about my writing too. I guess it's just an attempt to paint the perfect picture.

 

Welly, welly, welly, welly, well! I haven't checked in, as the cat was catapulted out of the bag at a tremendously high velocity. The news: she had slept/had been sleeping with her friend months before the break-up. Our final, major dispute, occurring this past November, left her questioning "What the hell am I doing?" and she was forthright in expressing she was no longer happy with me yesterday, and that she HAS been staying (at his mom's) and sleeping with him. Awesome. Scratch the part in one of my previous posts where I mentioned she is becoming a lady. More like a cowardice liar, claiming "you deserved it."

 

She became estranged, and in doing so, I didn't question, but rather spoke my mind that things were no longer the same. This was on January 26. I told her I did not think she was in love with me, and I was feeling as though I wasn't in love with her. In the days following, she said "I'm afraid if we break up, we're just going to live as two lonely souls for the rest of our lives." (I remember the line verbatim, even after deleting that email a month-and-a-half ago.) She wanted to fix it, but little did I know, her behavior was attributed to her own guilt (though I was unaware of this at the time) and that created an unpenetrable gaurd. I quit, regretted it, begged her back, but she wouldn't go back. She "couldn't." She could not live with the secret for which she acted upon, and WOULD HAVE NEVER told me had I not shaken the tree hard enough (plus, my mom intervened by calling her and saying "I know you've been whoring around").

 

And after all this time, all her past relationships, all the nonsense about her one ex who "... was such a piece of sht, and he beat me"... I've had another moment of clarity. She's the common denominator; she's the trigger to the loaded gun. She has a history of anger-management issues, which has been a well-known part of her reputation for many, many, maaaany years. When we began dating, those issues were non-existant. But, it's embarrassing to hear HER deem ME a "woman beater" after having stainless steel bowlfuls, waste cans, coffee tables, and punches thrown and landed on me without ever initiating physical provocation. Two wrongs certainly don't make a right, and I will self-admittedly and shamefully regret the times where I did retaliate by raising my hand. She doesn't see it that way--she is, always was, and always will be the victim, and I was the one at fault doing ALL the pushing. Naturally.

 

I'm currently shacked-up at mom's, with almost everything to my name in boxes. She'll be with him, and that's fantastic. The tables have turned, in that, she's older and has the things I did (that she didn't when we started dating) he doesn't. He doesn't drive; so she'll take care of him. She works the better job; so she'll take care of him. He has an on/off relationship with his mother; so she'll take care of him. Wow! All the things I did for her, which she claims wasn't the kind of love she wanted/needed, which were a token of my appreciation, devotion, and overall generosity are all the things that mean nothing to her in retrospect. Yet, it's not silly for me to assume she will NOW be giving these things. And, for what? "He treats me better; he knows how to treat a lady." Point taken, now continue walking the plank you've designed and constructed.

 

I reiterated I no longer want to hear or see from her again and for good, once my final possessions have been reclaimed. And, there's going to be a preeeettttttaaaaay, preeettttttaaaaaay, preeeeettttttaaay, pretty good chance that house will become foreclosed, due to my decision to gtfo as ASAP as possible, sticking her mom to assist in paying the rent (in addition to her own rent, car payment, the ex's tuition, books, car maintenance, etc.). This is me making my mark. From civil to slightly stupid to VERY SOUR have things become in a matter of (2) days.

 

The chinese proverb she'd posted those (2) days ago: “Do not anxiously hope for that which is not yet come; do not vainly regret what is already past." Good riddance. I want her to stick with it. I want her to wear that patch of "No Regrets" she's double-stitched so perfectly to her heart, and I want her to wear it with pride and true conviction. If otherwise... I won't be there to answer her inquiry of whether or not I'm packing a seem ripper.

 

"Life would be so much better if you did not exist" and soon, she won't.

 

 

RM, I'll get back to you. Kind of needed to take this huge dump-of-a-post right now, completely zoomed in on the current.

[Rearden Metal]

Don't sweat it.

 

Man, she's fuc*ed. You're doing the right thing, DJ.

[djentleman]

To answer the questions from earlier:

 

I had actually engaged in seeing a therapist post-break-up/"it's complicated" stages. I went to one session, but I still hadn't figured it out just yet, which isn't really the point -- that's expecting too much, too soon. I knew I was unhappy with myself, my life, and the way my relationship was going. There was nothing I could pinpoint, and I know I was paying someone to ask me questions I wouldn't think or dare ask myself, thus answering what I'd never pondered or thought was the true answer to my "burning out" stage... The limbo of the situation, especially now, has me wanting to go back, because the over-the-phone check-ins aren't cutting it. I know it's a valuable asset to my recovery, and simple time-management can get me rolling. That said, I'm leery of going, because of my plan to soon pick-up and leave -- Any bit of help is great, but I know I'm going to have to start all over with a new therapist, and I want to go into this fully committed, you know?

 

Aside from that, over the course of the past month, I've been in casual e-contact with one of my former (music) students. Very quiet and sassy girl; we always bumped into one another, but as couples. No plans for anything, but plans to make the hike to visit her in her lonesome state, and she may accompany me to one kickass MD/DC roadtrip I'd banked on tackling solo!

[Rearden Metal]

I guess that viewpoint on therapy makes a lot of sense. Having the history with a therapist certainly saves time and money and allows you to jump into your issues quickly each visit.

 

Keep it going DJ. I suspect you're right around the corner from your log becoming passe for you. For the moment, use it as a tool to help you make the steps you know you need to make.

[djentleman]

I've been intermittent with NC lately. Any contact has been strictly business. I do know after today, it really begins. The only contact I'll have is with her mother, reclaiming a few possessions I could not afford to "stuff" into my car today.

 

A 15-passenger van, with all seats save for the driver and passenger ones removed, is what it took to haul off my musical equipment. There was a large lump in the throat I had to pass. I'm sure passing kidney stones are A LOT more painful, but nonetheless, this was rough. On the brightside, a good friend of mine ditched his hockey game and helped me with the moving process, which certainly lightened the mood, not to mention all the work that went into it. We both felt awkward. (2) drum sets, guitars, amps, (18) sheets of sound-absorption sheets... Fck, I'm going to be acquainting myself with the digital camera and craigslist a lot this weekend. (I'm going for simple livin'.)

 

She's completely moved on, or so it seems. I'm nowhere near indifferent, not hateful, not angry, not really hurting. Yes, I'm still shocked, but most of all, I'm not caring (about her), at least positively. Rather, I care in Schadenfreude kind of way. I am bitter. The two-and-twos have come together, and I'm pinpointing mid-October as to when she became unfaithful. That's why. That's why I'm bitter.

 

When I was finished, she pulled me outside to talk. Yet again, though calmly, she continued to indirectly place blame on my attitude and misery, and was quick to attribute emotional, verbal, and physical abuse as all things I brought to the table. Nothing but a state of shock for me. As I mentioned earlier, she's had anger-management, but even post-AM, before we were even together, she was a loud one, and would talk over whomever to express her "point." In fact, we met at a restaurant where we both worked, and our first falling out was over her giving me a cheap-shot to ribs for no reason. She claimed it was all in fun, but when I reacted with a "uh... don't touch me" she carried on weekslong about how I was "being a baby." This speaks to me.

 

Many still associate the quick-to-jump-to-physical-confrontation with her name and her face, which is proof enough to say "Hey, it takes two to tango, babe." It was never right for things to get to the level they did. I haven't denied my part in our problems, but somewhere along the lines, she has rewired her brain to be devoid of responsibility.

 

Bringing up her aggressive behavior to her, she says "It's different now. I'm not like that with..." and she didn't finish. Give me a break, or give me a gag -- Either/or will do. She continued to 'come clean' and say this was the only time she was unfaithful to me, and that she never wanted it to be this way. I did not question anything, and simply told her "there's a lot I just really don't care to know, and that's all I have for you, as far as my words are concerned." The conversation ended with her telling me "I don't want you to think all girls are like me." This, coming from the girl who told me "I don't know how (insert ex's name) could do that to you..." when ex-ex's name and behavior surfaced in conversation--the ex-ex was never really into me--is just appalling to me.

 

And, as I click back-and-forth from tab to tab, I've gotten another offer bestowed upon me, musically. Maybe this really is the kind of moving on I need and deserve.

[djentleman]

With a clear mind (for the most part), I sat at work today and took care of my tasks, as needed. In between waiting for work to be reviewed, I prepped some invoices, and when I ran out of those, I checked my phone. Nothing. No problem. To pass the time, I decided to make a list. No, not a list of good memories or bad memories, but instead a list of all the items I need to sell. The compilation provides for a lot of things I cannot take, as I do not have the desire. In short, after (3) pages on this 6"x4" notepad, I have a lot of reasonably priced goods, which if all goes as planned, I could walk away with an additional $4k to my name, as an added security fund. It's wishful thinking, but it's turning ambition into motivation--Craigslist, I'm coming for you!

 

For the first time, I came home today, and I did not converse with the moms about my ex. We briefly talked about my day, their day, the dogs, and our individual plans for this weekend, and it was really positive. My mom wants me to relax. She's been heavy over the years, and I mean heavy with her attitude. This whole situation has made her mellow--the ex lied to her time and time again, and she now realizes it. She doesn't blame me for the failed relationship and the problems.

 

So, I just got off the phone, ending a nice 1.5 hour conversation. The ex? Not a chance. Let's just say, things are looking good. I know I'm not healed, as today was just one of those good days. Actually, it's been one of the best, but that's neither here nor there. It's happening. I feel like djentleman 2.0 is finally beginning. She never held me back from doing what I wanted to do; I held myself back, because I wanted to be by her side. Now that she's not there, by survival, this guy has got to do what this guy ought to do.

[Rearden Metal]

Awesome last entry DJ. Keep it up man!

[djentleman]

So, fcking sht

 

The past two days have been good/great. In all honesty, I haven't really done very much besides go to work, come home and practice the axe (wish it were the percussion toys, however) whilst intermittently working out and... facebook'ing, haha. Maybe it was the nicer weather getting me all good?

 

Anyway, I've reconnected with a lot of old girl friends, and that's not to be confused with the one-word, two-syllable "girlfriends" (plural). I saw pictures from one's bachelorette party, and there was a mighty attractive female present. In gazing at this photo, my djentlemanly ways, by means of an impulse triggered via nervous system and transferred to the finger tips, thus offering the effort to put forth a simple and single word, compelled me to interject "introduce." And... she said she would have!... when they were in town (they're out of state). Oh well -- I guess that's what happens when certain individuals in your life mandate those kinds of rules regarding the sex with which you may associate, despite how long you've known these individuals and the basis of your general association and relationship: FRIENDS.

 

And, while experiencing a slow moment at work, I was reading the local/county newspaper (online). I read one column after another, and then noticed the columnist's photograph. Engaging beauty is all I can say. Her style of writing really hooked me; I could imagine having a great time with this girl, solely based on her writing.

 

Sure, I won't deny ever noticing other girls when I was with my ex, but I was an 'eyes for you only' kind of guy -- I didn't and never had the urge to do her wrong, even when placed within those awkward situations where I could. And... well, considering that's no more, it's no longer impulsive to feel wrong if I'm intrigued, and boy have I been intrigued lately. I'm not a shallow person, and I do believe one shouldn't be carried away with what his or her eyes see, but... not all dogs have fleas, right?

 

Anyway, this song has been owning me lately... Periphery - Ow My Feelings (3:53 and forward is... "epic" {I hate that word})

[dreamingoftigers]

It is so nice to know that there are dedicated men out there. Men who actually have principles and care for their SO.

 

I hopw you find someone really great to help fill the empty parts of your life.

[djentleman]

It's all about the match — find two individuals dedicated to one another. It disgusts me to think this is a common problem in a lot of relationships.

 

Anyway, I don't miss her now, and I really haven't as of lately. I've been NC since Monday, though there was a little (2) email quick conversation about some of my things I needed off her computer, and if I could rely on her to send them (she hasn't, and that doesn't surprise me).

 

The only thing I miss is having a best-friend — someone to call and/or text when the day was dealing me an awful hand. I miss cuddling, even after being "too tired" to not fulfill her request to do so all the time. And, yes... last but not least, and rather most importantly, is the 'in the bedroom' treats. I don't even want to go there, but I think I'm pretty comfortable in not letting my mind linger beyond the recognition that this time has passed. We "accomplished" A LOT. Hope she finds someone else who'll pick her up a give her the kind of treatment I did. Then again, who am I kidding? I'll just have to take these duties/gifts elsewhere

[djentleman]

So, it's late and I'm still feeling good. All thoughts I have about the ex are just thoughts. It's almost as though I've been blessed with the ability to detach any feelings I've had (for her) related to those. What a step!

 

I took a road trip, and solo... yes, and I loved it. I hadn't planned on getting to see one of my favorite bands perform, but an energy drink, newer vehicle, and GPS allowed me to spit in the face of any delays, thus trimming time from my travel. Did I need to worry about the passenger asking me if they (she) could play a song because they (she) were getting sick of my music? No. Did I have to rely on somebody who deemed themselves "the navigator" to tell me "turn right here... *I turn* No, no, nooooo! I meant turn left!"? Absolutely not. Fan-fcking-tastic excursion without any casualties. And, as cheese-dick as it could be, this band's lyrics are keeping my seams tight — I feel altogether now.

 

I quickly picked up the bro-in-law and sister, and we went to the club. As soon as I walked in, I was recognized by a few locals who're following this underground explosion. 232 miles and 4 hours away from home, and I have people walking up and introducing themselves, knowing me by name. That sort of gratification is the kind... walking hand-in-hand with a beautiful woman (at this point) doesn't fulfill. I'm learning much more about assessing my wants and needs, and it doesn't require building an ego. Though these kinds of occurrences certainly feed it, it's a matter of respect and appreciation. I've put in my work to earn it locally, where I currently reside, and instead, it's found elsewhere. That speaks to me.

 

Anyway, my bro-in-law tried hooking me up with his friend. Same concentration of studies, tastes in music, "knows what I want" attitude (very similar to the ex's), and a derivative of the same ethnicity. In general, that = Not happening. I played nice-guy DD, drove her home, walked her to her dorm, whilst listening to the usual "I normally don't get this bad... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... yadda yadda yadda," gave her my regards, and left. I don't need that.

Edited April 26, 2010 by djentleman
typo

[djentleman]

As always, it's been a few. If anything, my problems continue to surface — living back at home with mom will do that to you. Driving me nuts with the "everything's the end of the world" attitude. I know I adopted that somewhere along the lines in my relationship, but I did have a lot of moments where I'd gotten jived. The feeling of discomfort I get, even at 25... I know I hope I never did, but I'm sure I made the ex feel that way. BUT, I changed. I recognize the insignificance of living that way.

 

I broke NC out of necessity. To ensure my name was no longer associated with bills for my prior physical address, I followed-up with each company. One, the power company was never notified by the new account holder (the ex) that she was continuing service. Out of kindness (I still have a few things there... that's the only reason), I called her to notify her that the power would be terminated as of 5/06. Additionally, she didn't send the right form of identification to the cable company; they mailed the 'transfer account' form back to her, and she never told me... My name is still on next month's bill, in which a personal phone call, thus breaking NC, indicating that she will owe me a check for the total, once it's received, is necessary. Good times.

 

My best friend at work bailed. He was somewhat of a friend/mentor/somewhat father-figure. He's urging me to say my goodbyes now, and encouraging me to take advantage of my talents now. I like when people are rooting for me.

 

At this point, I think about the ex every once in a while, still daily. I miss the things that grew to annoy me, like the baby talk... summer days, lying around and watching Sponge Bob — yes, even at 22 and 23 years of age. Of course, I get pissed/jealous when I think of this "new addition" befriending her parents, grandparents, and family altogether... when he's not warming coffee pots at the convenience store. This is when I feel like Menelaus, when he asks Helen of Troy "Is this what you left me for?" Sure, they'll all love him.

 

Then I think of all the times where arguments ensued, and I never had a chance to respond. These things were never calm, as she never was. The most insignificant remarks I'd make to her, in which she wasn't receptive to my "criticism" would end up in a blowout — Everything's my fault, and I was purposely making her feel stupid, that is, according to her. In the beginning, I would walk, because I didn't need that. I wasn't leaving her, though there were times, and plenty, where I was pushed to the edge and felt spending the rest of my life with her would mean my mental and emotional demise, and I'd threaten it — this was two years into the relationship before I'd say these things. Maybe she was fighting for me, but the physicality of everything wasn't necessary. She would be her typical self to place blame on me for this, but I never engaged in laying a finger on her. The transition from subduing to fighting back is something I wish I could do-over, erasing the latter, but if placed in that position again, I think the smartest thing I could have ever done was to have really, really, really left her.

[djentleman]

Called the ex today to talk about a few things, but NOT between us and our history. It's easier to talk to someone who's known you/lived with you for the past 3 years, and get some answers, or get some clarity. We exchanged laughs, stories, etc. It felt good. I don't miss her as an ex, but maybe as a friend. I'm becoming disgustingly indifferent, and I like that. I'm crushing hard on somebody at the moment. It took me (2) days of talking to her to put in my notice at work and begin my new chapter. She's the bomb, and I will miss her dearly once I'm gone. It reminds me of this:

 

"Yukio Mishima said that he could not entertain the idea of romance if he was not strong. Romance is such a strong and overwhelming passion, a weakened body cannot sustain it for long. I have some of my most romantic thoughts when I am with the Iron. Once I was in love with a woman. I thought about her the most when the pain from a workout was racing through my body.

 

Everything in me wanted her. So much so that sex was only a fraction of my total desire. It was the single most intense love I have ever felt, but she lived far away and I didn't see her very often. Working out was a healthy way of dealing with the loneliness." — Henry Rollins