I have issues with dumping girlfriends while getting into a bad mood

[easyluckyfree5]

Hi all, I'm 23. I have a problem where I'll be dating a girl and I'll get into a "mood" where i just don't want her around anymore and I'll dump her. Then the next morning i'll wake up and be like "ooo, that wasn't a good idea! I really liked her!" Then i'll try to get back with them... which works sometimes...

 

My most recent girlfriends we dated for a year and 3 months. I broke up with her 3 times over the course of a year and she was nice enough to let me back with her. Then, i recently did it again and she's to the point where she can't trust me anymore and won't return.

 

I realize her response as being what most people would do, that isn't the purpose of this thread. The purpose is to find out if anyone else has met anyone with the same problem.

 

It'll basically be one small thing that the girl will do that will sort of tip me in the wrong direction, and i'll start obsessing over it until i can't stand to be around her, where i'll probably end up dumping the girl within a day or so. Then after i get out of my little "mood" thing i got in, i realize "hey, that was completely trivial, why did you break up with her for that?"

 

This has been the sole reason i've never had a good relationship and i figure it's about time i finally start asking around for help. I don't know what else to do, but if i can't find a way to fix this problem i'm never going to have a lasting relationship.

 

Thanks to anyone that reads and comments.

[linwood]

Simply stop this self destructive behavior.

 

Just don`t do it anymore.

 

It`s that simple.

[EYECANDY000]

When this mood occurs why dont you simply tell your S/o that you need a day or so for "me" time. and you dont want to take out your frustrations on her, .. simple. Im sure she would understand that.

[Lucy24]

communication you need to talk to her about the things that you think are wrong or upset you

if you dont you will only leave them to grow untill you have a outburst and take it out on your gf.

 

you say you can not stand to be around her when this happens maybe you should take some time apart

or talk about things while in your own space and meet up in a place where you can talk things through .

 

like a coffee shop or something and not in the comfort of your own home where you know it is safe to let rip.

Edited March 31, 2010 by Lucy24

[Ilovecake]

You need to work on your communication skills. You're taking the cowardly way out because it's quick and simple, but it doesn't solve any of your problems.

[georgia girl]

IMHO and because I was one and am engaged to one, your other issue may be a fear of commitment. While I agree with all of the other posters, communication is key to a successful relationship, the one thing that you wrote resonated with me. You reference having a switch that goes off once you notice a bad habit in someone and that you obsess over it until the feeling is gone. Once you break up with her, then the feelings come storming back.

 

That's a sign of a fear of commitment (again, just my opinion). What you may not realize is that you are deliberately allowing your mind to sabotage someone so that you no longer want what you're afraid to have. Your "bad mood" may coincide with certain triggers - you're getting along really well and suddenly it's overwhelming, you girlfriend mentions a milestone (such as an anniversary, meeting the parents, moving in together), etc.

 

You should try to identify what's going on. If you are reacting to triggers, knowing that what's happening is simply a natural fear reaction to the perceived loss of one's independence can take some of the emotion out of your responses. You also should know why you're doing this. Most people with fears of commitment have deep-seeded reasons for this fear. In my case, my parents had an ugly, awful and vitriolic divorce where they shared the details with their children. It scarred me and I had an overwhelming fear that I would end up that unhappy.

 

For my fiance, he always felt overwhelmed and overshadowed in his very overachieving family - like he didn't matter. When we met and although we have similar jobs with similar incomes, he perceived me as the more successful one. Initially an attraction for him, he got overwhelmed by the fact that he was hitching his star to my wagon vs. the other way around.

 

We went through fairly intensive therapy as a couple to work out our issues and we still face them sometimes. He's also prone to pick at one thing I say and let it fester until he starts freaking out over it. In therapy, he's learned cognitive behaviors to stop that including writing it down and talking to me. I've learned not to react to the stimulus defensively or as if its an insult. Instead, we now talk a great deal.

 

You sound young and at 23, it was unlikely that this would be your last relationship in life. However, if this girl is worth it to you, see what she needs to make her feel safe and secure in your relationship. Then honestly see if you can address those concerns. If not, then you need to move on and heal. But, you should also take some time - again, my opinion - to address this trigger that you have. My fiance and I are both pushing 40 and both self-destructed a lot of relationships until we got help. No one should go through the years of self-inflicted pain we went through if they don't have to.

 

Good luck.

[Austen]

You sound like a former friend of mine (we had talked about possibly dating). He was always pissed at me over one small thing or another and would go for days without acknowledging me. I'm finally finished with him now--can't take the mood swings and emotional abuse anymore. I think he might be BPD.

Recognize that your behavior is HURTING people and get some counseling for it.