7+ years and I have expectations, he doesn't want to approach the subject...

[elizabeth26]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 years, we have been relatively happy. I just thought that if he loved me as much as he says he does he might have done something about it. He knows how I feel, I told him that it's killing me that he can't even talk about it. I don't know what his deal is he doesn't ever want to approach the subject, other than a really dismissive (to me) "someday". I have had harder times with this in the past but I really thought we were good together, we live together and have for awhile, now I feel like an idiot.

 

Today he told me that his brother is getting married, I said I was excited for them, he seemed like he was expecting me to be pissed off that his brother, who recently broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years, is marrying a girl he's been dating for 6 months. I'm not though, he is like a brother to me and I want him to be happy. I do realize that I feel differently about my boyfriend though, I do feel like I can't be in a relationship with him much longer. Not without becoming more bitter. I don't feel like sticking around for him anymore just to fill his time. I'm sure that he loves me, but I don't know on what level. I recently went on an internship for 6 months. I had to move to be closer to work even though it was only 2 hours away, I work 12 hour days. I felt very alone out there by myself, but what was worse was that he didn't call me very often, and worse he never once came to visit me. I think the loneliness made me afraid to be on my own again. I think about it now though and realize he was just fine without me, he has friends he visited (a lot more often) and he found other things to do to fill his time. I am pretty embarrassed and sad about the whole thing. I have options; I could go live with my sister in santa barbara to get away for awhile, I could try and move out on my own, or just accept the situation and hope for the best.

[boogieboy]

WOW...if he doesnt even want to talk about it, then he knows what the outcome is. But there really isnt enough information to determine if you neglected him as much as you claim he neglected you...in the regard of lonlieness.

[norajane]

I do feel like I can't be in a relationship with him much longer. Not without becoming more bitter.

 

If he won't even discuss it without being dismissive, then this is exactly what will happen and is already happening - you are becoming resentful and bitter and starting to see that he's not the man you thought he was.

 

Do not take your internship experience as a sign of what is to come if you break up with him. First, you won't be somewhere without your friends, and you won't be working 12 hour days, and you will be free to date other people instead of waiting around for him to come and visit.

 

It's time to move on and start fresh. That will actually become an exciting thought to you once you make the decision to do so.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Oh, wow, I'm sorry for your situation. I couldn't bear to stay in that type of relationship. It seems a source of continual heartache for you. I would have to move on.

[elizabeth26]

I really have tried not to neglect him. I don't think I have. I did all the driving to see him during my internship. I take care of everything at the house. I have been angry with him over things he does, like buying another car and a brand new wake-boarding boat when he is living in a rented house with his girlfriend. I have been good to him though and probably caused myself alot of grief in the process. Either way he knows how I feel about him. He is such a good person, good to friends and loved ones, but I can't help but resent what he does sometimes.

[Johnny M]

I have been angry with him over things he does, like buying another car and a brand new wake-boarding boat when he is living in a rented house with his girlfriend.

There are two sides to every story, and this comment suggests that you are perhaps not the innocent, naive victim that you paint yourself as. What right do you have to be angry with your BF over the way he spends his money?? It's his money, not yours, so as long as he pays his half of the rent and living expenses, you have no business telling him how to spend it. Since you're an intern, it doesn't sound like you are in a position to purchase a house jointly with him, so don't you think it's a little presumptuous to for you to decide that he should buy a house (for the two of you) rather than a new car and boat?

 

You are not even his wife and you're already trying to control his fiances. It's not surprising that he does not want to get married.

[elizabeth26]

it's just that it's a bad way to be investing his money and I'd be stupid not to say something. You come on way too strong by the way, something else bothering you? Other than me who you don't know but have no problem insulting?

[Johnny M]

it's just that it's a bad way to be investing his money and I'd be stupid not to say something. You come on way too strong by the way, something else bothering you? Other than me who you don't know but have no problem insulting?

I don't know how the law operates in your state (I'm assuming you're in the US), but up here in Canada, if you only own one property, it is automatically considered a matrimonial home (which means that upon divorce, it's divided equally between the spouses, even if one of the spouses did not contribute a cent to its purchase). This also applies to common law spouses (again, not sure if common law marriages are recognized in your state). So from his perspective, buying a house entirely with his money is not necessarily a wise investment either.

 

And in any event, even if spending money on cars and boats is not a good investment - so what? I don't know how old he is, but maybe he just wants to enjoy life for the time being instead of worrying about financial responsibility. It's his choice.

 

The bottom line is that you sound like a controlling, which is probably why he's getting second thoughts about marriage. Personally, I would never marry someone who tries ot tell me how to spend my money.

Edited March 31, 2010 by Johnny M

[elizabeth26]

what's on my mind is not boats or automobiles or money but thanks for assuming so little of me. I guess that is what comes with posting your problems in a public forum... If anyone has questions I will answer them.

[aerogurl87]

just accept the situation and hope for the best.

 

I really feel sorry for you elizabeth, but this part really stood out to me. When someone says they will just accept things how they are, usually means they're settling. And yes I feel you're settling. I've learned in my short 20 years of life on Earth that settling is never a good idea. On paper it may sound bearable but when reality hits and it's 7 years later from now, you're gonna be miserable and resent him. You'll see others moving forward in their relationships and here you will be stuck at square one still. Now if marriage wasn't something you wanted, I'd see no problem with this. Everyone doesn't want to get married and that's fine, but when it's one of your wants and goals in life and your boyfriend doesn't even want to talk about it, then you have a problem. A major problem.

 

Now I'm not gonna say you should dump him and move on, that's your choice. But you do need to think about the consequences of what will happen with your actions. If you leave you could never find someone you love as much or you could find someone you love and would want to marry. Or if you stay you can keep your boyfriend whom I'm guessing is awesome in other ways, but have him continue to string you along by not providing you with the level of commitment you crave. And now I'm going to paraphrase a quote from the Notebook Instead of thinking about what he wants, what do you want? What will make you happy in the long run? Because when it's all said and done, the only person you're guaranteed to have in your life looking out for your best interests is you. So think about what you want and if it's a possible 7 more years of wondering, do that, but if it's not you're gonna have to leave and just hope for the best.

[troggleputty]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 years, we have been relatively happy. I just thought that if he loved me as much as he says he does he might have done something about it. He knows how I feel, I told him that it's killing me that he can't even talk about it. I don't know what his deal is he doesn't ever want to approach the subject, other than a really dismissive (to me) "someday". I have had harder times with this in the past but I really thought we were good together, we live together and have for awhile, now I feel like an idiot.

 

Today he told me that his brother is getting married, I said I was excited for them, he seemed like he was expecting me to be pissed off that his brother, who recently broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years, is marrying a girl he's been dating for 6 months. I'm not though, he is like a brother to me and I want him to be happy. I do realize that I feel differently about my boyfriend though, I do feel like I can't be in a relationship with him much longer. Not without becoming more bitter. I don't feel like sticking around for him anymore just to fill his time. I'm sure that he loves me, but I don't know on what level. I recently went on an internship for 6 months. I had to move to be closer to work even though it was only 2 hours away, I work 12 hour days. I felt very alone out there by myself, but what was worse was that he didn't call me very often, and worse he never once came to visit me. I think the loneliness made me afraid to be on my own again. I think about it now though and realize he was just fine without me, he has friends he visited (a lot more often) and he found other things to do to fill his time. I am pretty embarrassed and sad about the whole thing. I have options; I could go live with my sister in santa barbara to get away for awhile, I could try and move out on my own, or just accept the situation and hope for the best.

 

What's the issue here?

 

I assume that you want to get married to this guy. After 7 years.

 

But you know what?

 

You never say that you want the guy to marry you.

 

Do you realize the significance of your inability to say what is on your mind?

 

Have you ever actually sat down with this guy and had a conversation about your future?

[elizabeth26]

thank you.

[elizabeth26]

We had another very serious discussion last night about us, he told me he sincerely wants to marry me when we are both ready. He hinted that it may be soon. I told him how I felt about it, which I spent alot of time thinking about lately. I don't feel right about living in the same place as the person I have been dating this long. I may decide to move away from him. He accepted this, very well compared to other talks we've had on the subject. Before my internship he mentioned that me moving out may nullify our relationship. He was really mad that I planned to move out for the 6 months. He feels like that would show I am not commited to him. I bit the bullet and did what I needed to do regardless of what the outcome would be. I do not like feeling like someone else is trying to take control of my life. I maintained the contact he made it clear that he had no intentions of visiting me. I know we are good for each other but I feel like he just wants to be comfortable and live with me with no strings. Unfortunately I can't accept the current condition. I am finishing a degree and will probably spend the fall semester away at college. I feel like I gave him many chances and we aren't on the same path.