WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 My BF has certain unspoken expectations of me when I am over at his place, or stay over at his place. For example, he never makes his own bed in the morning (except when he washes his sheets); when I first stayed over at his house I made his bed, and have continued to do so. He later told me that he uses whether or not a girl makes his bed as a test. He expects me to turn off lights in rooms I'm not in, or when I leave his house. He expects me to turn off the fan in his room if I'm not in there. He expects me to not leave dishes lying around his house. Things like that. None of these things are issues when I'm at his place, because I tend to be a neat person, but over time, in one way or another, he has let me know these are expectations he has. On the rare occasion I do something "wrong" he let's me know. I have the same expectations of him when he is at my place. To me, it comes down to respecting the other person's space. However, my BF isn't very good about these things, and I feel like I am turning into a nag. On the one hand, I don't feel that I should have to tell him how to behave, given that I only expect the same behavior from him that he expects from me. On the other hand, I don't feel that I should have to follow him around cleaning up after him. Some examples are that he leaves garbage and food wrappers wherever he opens the package/food; he doesn't turn off lights when he leaves a room; he doesn't turn off the tv in one room before leaving and turning it on in another room. How do I get him to clean up his **** and respect my space without either a) doing it for him, or b) constantly reminding him to do it himself? We have already had a conversation where I called him out on this.
boogieboy Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 He doesnt like cleaning up and he doesnt want to be bothered with it. He thinks its your job - in your house or his. This is the way he is and you most likely cant change it. Best bet you can do is not to bring him over your house..when he asks why, you say because you dont clean up after yourself. At some point, he will admit that he thinks cleaning up is a womans job. He's a slob and he likes to be a slob. This probably will not change. So you have to choose whether or not you want to live with it.
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 If you don't want to be a nag, then don't continually harrass him about these things. If you've reminded him a couple of times and he still doesn't follow through then you need to make it clear that he can't come over any more, or you need to let him know that you aren't going to follow the rules he sets out for you. All relationships should be 50/50. Well I understand that to not be a nag, I need to not "nag" him about things... A very specific example is that the other day I made coffee in the kitchen, and when I went upstairs to my room brought him a banana. Well, he peeled the banana, left the peel on my desk, and went downstairs. When I went downstairs I brought the peel with me, threw it away, and made a comment to him that was kind of joking, but letting him know that it wasn't OK to do that... But honestly, I shouldn't have to tell an adult to not leave food lying around to rot...I don't understand the disconnect he appears to have between what is not OK at his place and what is not OK at my place. Not letting him come over might work, but might also create more problems than it solves. I'll have to think about that one.
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 He doesnt like cleaning up and he doesnt want to be bothered with it. He thinks its your job - in your house or his. This is the way he is and you most likely cant change it. Best bet you can do is not to bring him over your house..when he asks why, you say because you dont clean up after yourself. At some point, he will admit that he thinks cleaning up is a womans job. He's a slob and he likes to be a slob. This probably will not change. So you have to choose whether or not you want to live with it. Mostly I agree with you. It's weird because he is very neat/clean at his own house. The only exception is that he doesn't make his own bed on the regular.
boogieboy Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Next time he does something like the banana, before he gets a chance to walk away, you say "hey....can you throw that out please?" You keep letting these things go. Youre training him this way yknow.
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Next time he does something like the banana, before he gets a chance to walk away, you say "hey....can you throw that out please?" You keep letting these things go. Youre training him this way yknow. I gave him the banana, then went into the shower; I saw the peel when I got out. If I see something happen I comment at the moment it happens, which is why I feel like I'm turning into a nag. I think I also feel like I'm not exactly "training" him to do this, but allowing him to think it's OK, because of the times that I don't see something happen, and so clean up after him after the fact. This might just come down to telling him he can't come over anymore, because I can't seem to find a way for me to be happy about this (not nagging him, but not having to clean up after him either).
CLC2008 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Telling him he can't come over sounds overly extreme to me. Yes he's a little messy, but he's not a gorilla for Pete's sake. Wow.
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Telling him he can't come over sounds overly extreme to me. Yes he's a little messy, but he's not a gorilla for Pete's sake. Wow. OK, so do you have another solution? I'm looking for options here that will make me not a nag, and make him respect my space the way he expects me to respect his.
CLC2008 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 OK, so do you have another solution? I'm looking for options here that will make me not a nag, and make him respect my space the way he expects me to respect his. "Can you throw that out please?"
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 "Can you throw that out please?" I already do that, and that is what makes me feel like a nag. We have also already had a discussion about him disrespecting my space, while having expectations of how I act in his space. A grown man who would never leave a banana peel lying around his own home should not have to be told to not leave a banana peel lying around my house.
Pleco Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 We have also already had a discussion about him disrespecting my space, while having expectations of how I act in his space. What was his response in this conversation? First (assuming that you have talked to him about this), I would start treating his home the same way he treats yours. If that did no good, I would stop letting him come over, and wouldn't go over to his place any more often than usual (i.e. you don't go to see him more to make up for the fact that he can't come see you.) If he doesn't get the hint, he must just be a dumb slob. You decide if you can put up with that.
CLC2008 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I already do that, and that is what makes me feel like a nag. We have also already had a discussion about him disrespecting my space, while having expectations of how I act in his space. A grown man who would never leave a banana peel lying around his own home should not have to be told to not leave a banana peel lying around my house. I agree about the banana peel thing, and I'm sorry if you feel disrespected in your own home over it. Maybe the solution is then that he can't eat any more bananas in your house.
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 I agree about the banana peel thing, and I'm sorry if you feel disrespected in your own home over it. Maybe the solution is then that he can't eat any more bananas in your house. I like that. He also wouldn't be able to watch tv or turn on lights.
CLC2008 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I like that. He also wouldn't be able to watch tv or turn on lights. Sounds morbid.
troggleputty Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 My BF has certain unspoken expectations of me when I am over at his place, or stay over at his place. For example, he never makes his own bed in the morning (except when he washes his sheets); when I first stayed over at his house I made his bed, and have continued to do so. He later told me that he uses whether or not a girl makes his bed as a test. He expects me to turn off lights in rooms I'm not in, or when I leave his house. He expects me to turn off the fan in his room if I'm not in there. He expects me to not leave dishes lying around his house. Things like that. None of these things are issues when I'm at his place, because I tend to be a neat person, but over time, in one way or another, he has let me know these are expectations he has. On the rare occasion I do something "wrong" he let's me know. I have the same expectations of him when he is at my place. To me, it comes down to respecting the other person's space. However, my BF isn't very good about these things, and I feel like I am turning into a nag. On the one hand, I don't feel that I should have to tell him how to behave, given that I only expect the same behavior from him that he expects from me. On the other hand, I don't feel that I should have to follow him around cleaning up after him. Some examples are that he leaves garbage and food wrappers wherever he opens the package/food; he doesn't turn off lights when he leaves a room; he doesn't turn off the tv in one room before leaving and turning it on in another room. How do I get him to clean up his **** and respect my space without either a) doing it for him, or b) constantly reminding him to do it himself? We have already had a conversation where I called him out on this. Unfortunately OP it sounds like your relationship with this guy is on the downslide and is probably doomed. And not because the guy is a slob. All men are slobs. The stuff about him "testing" you makes him sound like a real dweeb. However--I will ask you bluntly, "How's your sex life?" Because the petty type of squabbling you're talking about NEVER EVER matters if the sex part is working well. If your man was keepin' you happy in the sack his various character flaws and sloppiness would be invisible to you. I'd wager your sex life is not going too well right now. And that's been the case for some time. And when the sex is no good, all the petty annoyances become REALLY REALLY annoying.
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 What was his response in this conversation? He seemed to take it seriously; apologizing and so on. However, nothing has changed. He hasn't made any effort that I've noticed to treat my home with the same respect that he treats his. I honestly feel like at my house I'm his mother and he is a teenager.
Twenty-ten Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Your boyfriend sounds like he is looking for a housekeeper not a mate. What's up with you having to respect his space and he not returning the same level of respect? Look I am not an advocate of power struggles but I am even less a fan of nagging. When asking for something doesn't work you must resort to actions, men in particular understand actions far better than words. If he refuses to have the same courtesy when in your space it is time to speak in his "language" No more picking up after yourself when you are at his. No more making his bed. If he mentions it simply tell him "oh I figured we were comfortable enough around each other now that your rules are a lot more relaxed, they seem to be when you are at mine so I figured I could also relax";)
boogieboy Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Your boyfriend sounds like he is looking for a housekeeper not a mate. What's up with you having to respect his space and he not returning the same level of respect? Look I am not an advocate of power struggles but I am even less a fan of nagging. When asking for something doesn't work you must resort to actions, men in particular understand actions far better than words. If he refuses to have the same courtesy when in your space it is time to speak in his "language" No more picking up after yourself when you are at his. No more making his bed. If he mentions it simply tell him "oh I figured we were comfortable enough around each other now that your rules are a lot more relaxed, they seem to be when you are at mine so I figured I could also relax";) Preciscely. Eye for an eye, until he says something. And dont bring him over your house. Start droppin banana peels or whatever at his. dont make the bed. leave the lights and tv on. If he doesnt like it, "ok, i just wont come over anymore".
Pfiend101 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) Get some gloves on and clean that **** up. Next go bake him a cake. lmao ok funs over. This seems kinda trivial to me but obviously it isn't to you. If this is all there is to worry about in your relationship I would say your doing pretty well. Edited March 31, 2010 by Pfiend101
Twenty-ten Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Get some gloves on and clean that **** up. Next go bake him a cake. lmao ok funs over. This seems kinda trivial to me but obviously it isn't to you. If this is all there is to worry about in your relationship I would say your doing pretty well. Yes they are silly games but the actions denote a deeper issue, an issue with lack of respect. Typically we should aim to ask for the types of things that we can also deliver, that is how you create a healthy balance in a relationship.
phineas Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I think this is just the surface of what he's REALLY like. I mean my 3 1/2 yr old knows to throw garbage in the garbage. If he doesn't do it, it's usually a control thing where he is defying me on purpose. Doesn't sound much different here. This guy knows exactly what he's doing.
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 He can be forgetful, and he's not a detail-oriented person for sure. He does have other normal manners, like if I cook he cleans up without being asked.
phineas Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 He can be forgetful, and he's not a detail-oriented person for sure. He does have other normal manners, like if I cook he cleans up without being asked. but, does he not follow the same "rules" at your house that he does at his?
Author WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 but, does he not follow the same "rules" at your house that he does at his? No, when it comes to things like picking up after himself and turning lights/tvs off when he leaves a room he is terrible.
Els Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Sounds like a rare case where you really have to give him tit for tat to get the point across. I agree with the other posters: blatantly treat his house exactly the way he treats yours for once. When he asks why, tell him you're tired of taking such good care of his house when he doesn't bother about yours. The issue here isn't about MESSINESS or NAGGING. If he was messy at his own house and didn't expect more of you than himself, that would be an entirely different story. But he isn't.
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