WalkInThePark Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Well first off, I'm NOT your wife, so don't pick your battle with the wrong person, or transfer your anger to me. I'm honestly trying to help. "it's so much bs excuses" Excuses are not part of your vocabulary when you are trying to connect with another person, because it is something you either to together, or fail to do TOGETHER. It is your attitude partly, that has caused your wife to distance herself from you. She feels your anger and resentment. This is not appealing to her, in fact it's a huge turn-off. If you selfishly blow up angrily over her lack of interest, she remembers that. Then perhaps you are sweet for awhile, doing things that do work, but later, if she doesn't respond as you wish, you revert back to being an angry person. Then she thinks, rightly so, that your good attitude was only to get her to react in a certain way. A ploy, a ruse. A wolf in sheeps clothing, so to speak. The REAL YOU is the one who feels entitlement, and is angry. That sense of entitlement needs to take a hike. The REAL You needs to become the giving, loving, caring person who can take sex or leave it, knowing that the respect and way you treat her is more important than sex as a goal. Your goal needs to be a loving relationship first. As to the person who responded to me with what about simple lust? Well sure, I agree, but if this woman doesn't feel lust, and she obviously doesn't feel much of it, then her husband needs to try to find a way to awaken that lust. Granted, I never said that would be easy to do. Some women (and even some men--I know a couple) are tuned out of lust. The most common scenario for women is those that tune in so greatly with becoming a mom. It wasn't their goal to forget about their lusty side--but it happened as they refocused all their thoughts, too many of their thoughts on being a terrific parent. I have known friend's husbands who were pressured by their wives for more sex, using the same failure tactics as some men--talking to them in a condescending voice, being demanding, speaking selfishly, bringing this lack of sex up with friends around in order to try to humiliate and embarass them, etc. As for harboring resentment because her desire is lower than yours, well there is no more reason to do that then if she harbored resentment against you because yours appears greater than hers. Doesnt' make sense to you if she did that, does it? Being sexual is not the responsibility of your partner I think. It's the woman herself who has to do the effort to still be a woman, despite the household, the job and the kids. The same is true for men. Adults in a relationship know that sex is part of the deal. You have control over your sexuality, you can let it die or keep it alive. And you have control in staying in touch with your own sexuality and that of your partner.
tnttim Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Just read it. Checked back today to see if I'd get support or told off by the OP. You do get it tnttim, all except the reverse-psychology make yourself attractive to other females bit. Don't think I'd fall for that, lol HAHA.........all women say that but none follow that. It's like having an old car that sits in the garage, it ain't fun till some one else wants a ride!!!
giotto Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Adults in a relationship know that sex is part of the deal. Do they really know? My wife thinks that it's not. She is not obliged to give me sex. Her body is hers and she does what she wants with it... sex is "something that happens"... cannot be planned - it's not spontaneous - cannot be factored into the relationship mechanically... it used to happen a lot, now it doesn't... that's life... I get impression that many women don't really think about sex and the consequences of an absent sexual relationship when they get married. I always thought sex was an important part of our relationship, but she obviously didn't...
tnttim Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Do they really know? My wife thinks that it's not. She is not obliged to give me sex. Her body is hers and she does what she wants with it... sex is "something that happens"... cannot be planned - it's not spontaneous - cannot be factored into the relationship mechanically... it used to happen a lot, now it doesn't... that's life... I get impression that many women don't really think about sex and the consequences of an absent sexual relationship when they get married. I always thought sex was an important part of our relationship, but she obviously didn't... Why are you blaming your W for your downfalls. Who wants to have sex with someone that feels obligated anyway. You're a hunter, study your pray. Read some books, try different approaches, anything but blaming her. Most men don't understand that men and women get turned on completely different. Women need a series of emotions to happen before they get horny. Here's an easy one that works: Tell her "hey at work today, the guys and I were talking and the hottest sexiest women just pull down your pants and go to town. They aren't scared to take what they want. We all agree that that is what makes a women attractive, the go out and get it attitude." or something along those lines. I said that to my wife and not 3 days later guess what she did. When you place blame you shut your mind off to the solution. Stop blaming and start seeking out the answer to your problem. You can blame all day long, but how does that solve the problem. It's called giving up, are you giving up?
xxoo Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Most men don't understand that men and women get turned on completely different. Women need a series of emotions to happen before they get horny. Here's an easy one that works: Tell her "hey at work today, the guys and I were talking and the hottest sexiest women just pull down your pants and go to town. They aren't scared to take what they want. We all agree that that is what makes a women attractive, the go out and get it attitude." or something along those lines. I said that to my wife and not 3 days later guess what she did. omg, if my H said that to me I'd first and then , because I've met "the guys" at work I'll agree that my interest "perks" when another woman seems interested in my H. That's always flattering and helps me see his charms from a fresh perspective.
MizzBlue72 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Try something new - ANYTHING new in the bedroom. All the items you listed? yes - these can kill a sex drive - BUT .... sounds like she may have a sex drive that is hiding. I was like that. I practically BEGGED xH to do anything new that would turn me on. That is what you need to find - what turns HER on. Good luck. PS: You really need to find out if she orgasmed with you. I know this sounds a little trivial, but if it's not fun for the woman, and she feels like she is just going through the motions, of course she is not going to want to give it to you.
giotto Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 (edited) Why are you blaming your W for your downfalls. Who wants to have sex with someone that feels obligated anyway. You're a hunter, study your pray. Read some books, try different approaches, anything but blaming her. Most men don't understand that men and women get turned on completely different. Women need a series of emotions to happen before they get horny. Here's an easy one that works: Tell her "hey at work today, the guys and I were talking and the hottest sexiest women just pull down your pants and go to town. They aren't scared to take what they want. We all agree that that is what makes a women attractive, the go out and get it attitude." or something along those lines. I said that to my wife and not 3 days later guess what she did. When you place blame you shut your mind off to the solution. Stop blaming and start seeking out the answer to your problem. You can blame all day long, but how does that solve the problem. It's called giving up, are you giving up? I'm glad it worked for you... if your wife responds to that kind of stuff, you've found your match... Edited April 11, 2010 by giotto
You Go Girl Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 HAHA.........all women say that but none follow that. It's like having an old car that sits in the garage, it ain't fun till some one else wants a ride!!! In that case, depends on whether the wife views the car as an old beat up truck or a classic. Maybe we should look at the whole situation from that viewpoint, what's the wife's view of her husband overall? Because I think that's key here--these wives that don't want sex with their H probably don't want it because they don't see him as attractive anymore. And yeah, some men are bringing that on themselves, because they approach their wife from the obligated view, and whine. Maybe all men are bringing that on themselves to a certain degree, who don't get the action they want. Their attitude shows through, that's for sure. Their attitude makes them look like an old beat up truck in her eyes instead of a classic car that's neglected in the garage. But then there's the insatiable type...if I was married to a man who wanted it everyday, I'd have to say sorry, ain't gonna happen. Appetites have to be matched to some degree before marriage.
You Go Girl Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Please, what about some basic LUST? I find it very flattering when my partner wants sex with me because he feels bloody horny. So do I... but I've also been in relationships that weren't on good terms either temporarily or permanently, and in those times, lust goes out the window when you're angry and can't find common ground. So lust is dependent upon a solid relationship to begin with, my point being.
jmargel Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I keep reading about these men with wives who don't like sex! Sometimes I feel like the only woman out there that has a stronger sex drive than my husband! He agrees! I've always been like that. I've been married 10 years and I still can't get enough. For me' date=' sex isn't one of things that gets the lowest priority when life's problems and stress hit. It's on the top of my priority list to help me be closer to my husband when we are dealing with life. It's as close as I can get to him. I can shut out the world when I'm with him. He's the opposite. When he's stressed or worried, he can't think about sex. I'm a type B and he's a type A personality. He natually stresses more than me. I think some people just love sex. That's me. In a marriage, there's give and take. I'm glad my husband will "entertain me" sometimes even when I'm sure he doesn't feel like it. I'm not obsessed with my kids. I love them, but I adore my husband. I'd drop anything for his body in a second![/quote'] Mind if I give you a call? lol
jmargel Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 The problem is most women get so comfortable in their 'married' lifestyle that they don't feel the need to meet our emotional and physical needs. It's like looking at your dog, when he was a puppy you played, petted and gave him so much attention. Now that he's an old dog, you don't even pay attention to him and even find yourself tripping over him because you don't see him anymore. It's sad but it seems like the women now that are in their 20s and early 30s their attitude is 'What can you do for me now', not 'What can we do for each other'. As for the OP, i'm in the same boat as him. She's in her prime and she doesn't give a damn about sex. I told her it was 'false-advertisement', since when I married her I was under the assumption she was affectionate/sexual, etc.. I can see why men cheat, especially when they refuse to goto counseling or see the errors of their ways. It's always some "excuse" when they are to explain why this is happening. It's because they have gotten so comfortable with us they take us men for granted. As for the OP, you will move on emotionally, I pretty much have. My wife is stunning look-wise but when you don't get those needs met you pull away. Don't get too down on yourself, know it's not your fault. I don't let it mess with my own self-worth, many times I've gone out and women come up to talk with me, etc.. But then I think even if I were to pursue something more, it's just a matter of time before they become hermits sexually as well.
tnttim Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 some men are bringing that on themselves, because they approach their wife from the obligated view, and whine. Their attitude shows through, that's for sure. Their attitude makes them look like an old beat up truck in her eyes instead of a classic car that's neglected in the garage. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Above is written out in plain english from a women, and below are the guys not getting enough sex from their wife. Can you guys see why your W is turned off by you now? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I get impression that many women don't really think about sex and the consequences of an absent sexual relationship I told her it was 'false-advertisement', since when I married her I was under the assumption she was affectionate/sexual, etc many times I've gone out and women come up to talk with me, etc.. But then I think even if I were to pursue something more, it's just a matter of time before they become hermits sexually as well. She gets annoyed when I ask her (for sex) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you answered, attitude towards sex, then you win
Author samohtmg Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 So here is the deal. Since my last post I have had a change of heart. I don't want my wife to do anything she doesn't want to do. I read a psychological article about sexless marriages. One of the things it said was that if a couple is comfortable with both having sex infrequently then there is no problem in the marriage. Well, what that means to me is that there is nothing wrong with my wife not wanting to have sex that much. But also there is nothing wrong with me wanting to have sex a lot. If my wife only wanted to play tennis sparingly I wouldn't force her to do it two or three times a week. That would be insane. I would find someone else to play with. I would tell my wife as well. I wouldn't have her go to couples counseling with me because we don't play enough tennis in the hopes that she will start to play with me more. She is in counseling. Either this is an issue she wants to work on or it isn't. If she does great. If she doesn't well then our sexual relationship is going to fall into somewhere between 6 to 12 times per year with two to three month dry spells. But I don't want to do anything to try to change my wife because I feel like it is pressuring her to have sex. Even counseling is doing that. What is that but a tacit statement that she does not have sex with her husband enough. Like I said before, if both people are ok with it then it isn't a problem. My wife wants someone who is ok with that. So that's my change of attitude. I really have not been mad at her since I decided this about 18 days ago. And I don't look for or expect sex anymore. If I know she doesn't want to have sex then why would I? This has made for a happier me, a happier home, and a happier her. The one flaw in all of this is that I do need to play tennis about 2 times a week. I guess a couple times a week I could hit the ball against a wall for a while. Other than that I need some new partners. I don't want to do this behind my wife's back though. Many people say that with cheating it is not the sex but the betrayal. Because we have extremely divergent sex drives then I what I hope happens now is that my wife basically approves of me finding new partners. Now I think my wife has trouble communicating verbally with me about these touchy issues. So I wrote her an e-mail which was extremely reassuring. She has not read it yet. In the e-mail I ask her for input on how to solve my dilemma. I also assured her that I would never again be on edge because we don't have enough sex together. I know there are risks involved here, but I strongly feel that this is the best and only possible solution for our problem. One caveat, if my wife decides on her own that she wants to start playing tennis again with me and she sticks with it I would obviously have to reassess the situation. Bottom line is that right now we are all a little happier.
CarrieT Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 So I wrote her an e-mail which was extremely reassuring. She has not read it yet. In the e-mail I ask her for input on how to solve my dilemma. I also assured her that I would never again be on edge because we don't have enough sex together. I know there are risks involved here, but I strongly feel that this is the best and only possible solution for our problem. Bottom line is that right now we are all a little happier. Wow. Well, there are a few things here. Tennis is NOT sex and you know that. While you believe that it is the Best Solution, I can assure you that it is not the Only Solution. You have basically asked your wife for an open marriage and if she does not agree to it, than the problems will escalate. I wish you the very best and I hope you will report back on how your wife reacted to your email.
You Go Girl Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Wow. Everything sounds good in your attitude-- but... your wife may get DEEPLY offended at the idea of you taking on other partners. She simply doesn't see sex as that important in life -period--for her, nor for you. I hope you did a little investigation on that idea before sending it to her in email--otherwise it could provoke a rage--as in woman scorned--I believe she needed to UNDERSTAND before this idea was thrown around that sex is that important to you. Not that I don't feel sympathy for you, I do. However, nothing is as simple as taking on more partners. There are STD's out there, there is the possibiity of emotional attachment to others, there is so many complications that could arise. I think what you are suggesting to your wife is horribly complicated--and you are trying to see it as something simple, quick fix.
Author samohtmg Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 My wife has told me in the past that she is not the jealous type. Of course she has never been faced with anything. When we don't have sex for a long time my wife begins to get ever more touchy feely with me. Here is an extremely recent example. The other day I was doing push ups on the floor with my kid laying on me for extra weight. So he got off and ran into another room to play and I rolled over and my wife stradled me. This is the middle of the day. The kids are around after all and they are not going anywhere later. But this is a sign from my wife you say correct? Well that night a CF light bulb broke. It was late, I was tired. It was a pain in the ass for me to clean up. Afterwards I showered to make sure all was good. As I was drying off I could hear my wife shut off the TV and the lights. That's been one of her techniques for years for not having sex. It's the old, "no I am really tired and had even fallen asleep thing." You have to just trust me that was the signal. So what was the straddling me about earlier? Well this has also gone on for years. My wife, even if she has no intention of having sex will cop a feel on me (when others leave the room) or something to that effect. But it never meant what I thought it meant. Me reciprocating is not always welcome with her either. It's like she's allowed to do that but if I do it she gets angry or she let's me know that it does absolutely nothing for her. But she does it. And it always increases the further out from our last sex that we get. I don't know what kind of game that is but I don't know the rules and don't know how to play it. She has been doing that lately a lot. Still, no sex. But I, for the longest stretch in our relationship have stopped caring about us having sex. If it happens, then great. So now I fall asleep watching TV on the couch half the time and come up to bed half the time. Sometimes I'll go to bed the same time she does. I'll even spoon with her sometimes in a sleepy way meaning I am making no move. No sex. In the last 8 and half weeks we had sex once for about ten minutes. So far that is where it is at. She seems very pleased. I know she hasn't read the e-mail yet and am a little curious about how she will react to it. In the meantime I have lost about 14 pounds in the last couple of months and I feel great. People keep telling me I look great. As for STD's, I grew up in the AIDSies. Not the Seventies or Sixties. Those growing up in the 80's/ 90's are very cautious about STD's. I can't speak to those who grew up in era's where free love was the norm. Anyway, thanks for the input. I will keep you posted as to how the e-mail goes over. I have a feeling it will not go over as badly as some of you may think.
CarrieT Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 So what was the straddling me about earlier? Well this has also gone on for years. My wife, even if she has no intention of having sex will cop a feel on me (when others leave the room) or something to that effect. But it never meant what I thought it meant. Me reciprocating is not always welcome with her either. It's like she's allowed to do that but if I do it she gets angry or she let's me know that it does absolutely nothing for her. Well, from my perspective, straddling you and copping a feel would be ways to show affection, regardless of sex. From your perspective, touchy-feely acts are an automatic assumption of sex so you two are working at it from completely different points of view. This is that lack of communication thing we have been talking about. You have completely different views on what touching each other means and for you, it is becoming a game. Can't tell you what it is for your wife. You are exactly correct with what I underlined above. You aren't communicating with your wife to understand what her points of affection MEAN because to you, they mean something entirely different and she doesn't know that. I really hope not, but I have a feeling your email is going to blow up in your face in a way you are not anticipating.
xxoo Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 While I don't understand unilaterally declaring that you are going outside the marriage for sex without communicating with your wife about the problems first (in counseling as necessary), I do applaud you for at least telling your wife before you start being non-monogamous. At least she has the information she needs to make decisions about her life. You may not be happy with the decisions she makes, but neither of you sound particularly happy with the status quo....
stillafool Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I keep reading about these men with wives who don't like sex! Sometimes I feel like the only woman out there that has a stronger sex drive than my husband! He agrees! I've always been like that. I've been married 10 years and I still can't get enough. For me' date=' sex isn't one of things that gets the lowest priority when life's problems and stress hit. It's on the top of my priority list to help me be closer to my husband when we are dealing with life. It's as close as I can get to him. I can shut out the world when I'm with him. He's the opposite. When he's stressed or worried, he can't think about sex. I'm a type B and he's a type A personality. He natually stresses more than me. I think some people just love sex. That's me. In a marriage, there's give and take. I'm glad my husband will "entertain me" sometimes even when I'm sure he doesn't feel like it. I'm not obsessed with my kids. I love them, but I adore my husband. I'd drop anything for his body in a second![/quote'] You see guys this is the benefit of picking a woman who has a high sex drive. You guys should put this at the top of the list when choosing a wife. So many guys on this forum have argued that womens sex drives should not equal mens. Well here you see the benefit of a woman having a sex drive equal to yours.
stillafool Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 OP what will you do if your wife agrees to an open marriage where you both can have other partners? Would you accept that situation?
tnttim Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Your wife gropes you but doesn't want sex, are you hearing yourself when you say this. Here's an analogy: If you met the hottest girl in the world and spent the day wife her. Then later on the day you were about to have sex, and then bam, she turned into a 900 lb heffer. She assured you that is was really her, she just changed into her real self, would you still have sex with her? That's what happens to your wife when she suddenly stops persuing you for sex after groping you, you have turned into the 900 lb heffer. The answer lies in what are you doing to turn into that heffer? It's probably an anti-seductive behavior you possess but are unaware of. If your wife is this sexually sedated then you don't no what your missing when you awaken the beast within her. Don't cheat on her, awaken that beast inside her and watch out, you might get hurt. How sex worthy are you right now, in your opinion.
allanworks Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 Wow, that's terrible. I guess women sometimes feel they are being pulled in several different directions for other peoples needs. People at work want something from you, (work), you come home the house needs her attention (more work), the kids need her attention (more work), everyone is hungry, needs her cook (more work), dishes need cleaning (more work), now it is evening and your husband needs sex. You know which category this falls under (more work) - sorry. That's how women start to view sex when it seems the above goes around and around daily. Sometimes neediness can extinguish one's sex drive. what happend is she got overworked and bord.you got plain and uninteristing.change things up.try having sex in the mornings thats when im at my best probably the same for you.try diffrent posisions.its usally bordom in bed that slows a womans sex drive.the last woman i was with loved to clean after sex it gave her a boost of energy.she broke my heart:(.
Helicon Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 (edited) This is exactly why I am terrified of getting married. Don't do it. This is 24 years of marriage talking. Take it from a man with a wealth of experience who is in a horrible marriage. If you think this poor sap has it bad, you should experience what I'm going through. I could write a book on this subject. It's not worth giving up your freedom for. After having kids it all slowly slips away. The man becomes second rate to the kids. A nagging, sexual pain in the ass who only serves one purpose, to support the family and fix things around the house. You'll be arguing about how to raise the kids. In some marriages one spouse will be the disciplinarian while the other becomes the kids best pal (which is my case, me being the disciplinarian). That'll drive you apart even further. You'll be reduced to jerking it in the bathroom 95% of the time because the wifey looks for every excuse in the book not to have sex, and the times you do have sex it'll be just like another chore for her. You'll have to jump through hoopes just to have sex when you never had to before. I think part of the problem is that having kids scrambles a woman's hormones so much they never fully recover. Don't expect to see the same woman you married after having kids. I've heard of cases where the woman's sex drive actually increases after kids, but don't hold your breath. That's rare, especially with the effort it takes to raise kids. Your romantic and sexual relationship would probably last a lot longer if you don't have kids, but good luck telling a woman you don't want to have kids. I've always wondered what our relationship would be like right now if my wife and I never had kids. Unfortunately I'll never know the answer to that question. My road has been paved and I have to drive on it to wherever it leads, which is most likely to Divorceville. Have a scared you straight Waiting4Marriage? Good, my job here is done. Edited April 17, 2010 by Helicon
xxoo Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 After having kids it all slowly slips away. The man becomes second rate to the kids. A nagging, sexual pain in the ass who only serves one purpose, to support the family and fix things around the house. Right here is where couples need to act to get back on track. Years down the road it can very well be too late. It is normal for pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing to affect a woman's sex drive. Libido usually returns around the time her menstrual cycle returns (can be a couple months or well over a year--depending on the woman and the nursing baby). She also needs sleep and some "me time" to feel recharged enough to give to you, after giving to the baby. If she is getting all that (her period, full nights of sleep, and some time to herself) and STILL doesn't want sex with you, that is the time to act. See a dr--is it hormonal? If not, see a counselor together. Something is going on, and at this point it is probably fixable. Don't wait years. Don't expect to see the same woman you married after having kids. I'll agree with this. Parenting has a way of maturing men and women alike, and thank goodness!
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